My Journey for Children

Our Journey for Children

 Dealing with Infertility and Loss is NEVER easy ...  or wanted for that matter.   However - getting pregnant isn't easy for EVERYONE .... infact .... a lot of people struggle in one way or another.  Some people use oral meds, some injectables, some have to use a surrogate or adopt.  All these ways are perfectly acceptable ways to have a family ....  along with any other way that one creates their family.  (Fostering for example) ...    REGARDLESS of how you get there, I can only hope and pray - if you want children - you find an acceptable way to have them - for you.  

I have struggled through infertility ...  I have written about the deep dark abyss that I felt.....  FEELINGS OF INFERTILITY ....  and I have written about what my journey was like with all my children - but I never actually sat down and did a time line..... until now....

OUR CHILDREN...... 

 Let me start out by saying that I have had SIXTEEN MISCARRIAGES in the years I spent TTC and since.  Somehow through the 19 pregnancies I've had, I got four wonderful, beautiful, miracles out of those long years of tears and heartache.

I also want to add that I ADOPTED one of my friends sons, after her death, as an adult.

I was 18 when I got pregnant with the twins.  Some of you might cringe at that, but being the old soul I am, all I ever wanted to be was a mother (and a writer).  I had been helping to raise some of my cousins since I was 14-15 years old, basically a Nanny for my Aunt.  My ex-husband and I were engaged and I was twelve weeks pregnant on our wedding day.  By the wedding day though, I had already lost one of the twins and had a second scary night of a threatened miscarriage with the one I was still pregnant with.  I actually thought I had lost the pregnancy all together when I had the first miscarriage, and found out three-four weeks later I was still pregnant.

I got pregnant with the twins about St. Patrick's Day ....  that always thrilled me as I'm (a big chunk) Irish...  hence the name Calahan .... just sayin....

Mommy and Calahan when he was two days old.... 

While I was pregnant with Calahan - I had miserable morning sickness.  I was on the edge of being Pre-Ecampsic from four months on to the end of my pregnancy.  I remember the first time I knew I was feeling him move... I said it felt like bubbles popping inside of me.  Or like popcorn pop pop popping...  and the first time he stuck his foot, or elbow, or whatever it was out - it was like being poked from the inside out.

Calahan was due Christmas Day 1995 .... he was born January 5th, 1996, all 8lbs 7oz and 20 1/2 inches of him.. I had demanded a girl, went so far as to threaten to cut off his outdoor plumbing if he was a boy - and I wonder why he was overdue and not willing to come out.   They started to induce me when my body said "no thanks" and decided to kick labor into gear... 

He is 20 now :)   He taught me how to be a mom and got me ready for all that was to come.....  he has always been a big help and an amazing - and sometimes mind numbing frustrating - kid.  He enjoys drawing, game playing, talking to his friends on his computer...  watching wrestling and Anime.... He is taking classes at the college, meeting a lot of new friends, and is interested in joining the Army.

When Calahan was 8 months old we found out he suffered from Night Terrors, now, that is different than nightmares.  All of a sudden it would go from silence in his room to him screaming bloody murder and having popped all the blood vessels in his face.  He also started getting frequent nose bleeds and started to bruise easy.  At 2 1/2 I got tired of it and took him into the ER.  I explained what was going on - and they did a bunch of tests.  He had bleeding time tests done and they were found to be abnormal (he'd bleed past the 15 min. stop mark.)  ...  eventually got referred to Mayo Clinic in Rodchester ... and they told me that nothing would probably come of the tests - not to worry - so I didn't.   But the very next day - I got a call while I was at work - and I could tell it was important cuz we weren't allowed personal calls.  Here it was my ex-husband telling me we'd gotten a call that they thought Calahan had Leukemia.  I will never forget how my heart shattered and my knees failed me.  He went through bone marrow testing and, luckily, he didn't have Leukemia.  However, they have still never found the reason why he has the issues that he does.   Around this time, he also started regressing and at the age of 5 ended up being diagnosed with ADHD and mild ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) .... and as a teenager we found out he has Dysgraphia (related to Dyslexia)

Age 18 - Senior Prom

By the time I finally got pregnant with Noah, I had suffered the loss of four more babies (five total, counting Calahan's twin.) and Calahan was 5 years old ....  and I had also finally found a Doctor who I feel in love with who was willing to listen to me.  After our first meeting, at the end of it.... he said "Don't worry, we'll get you pregnant," and for once, I believed a doctor - completely trusted him.   He not only helped me get one, he helped me get three!

Funny enough, I got pregnant with Noah on my 25th Birthday!  My Golden Birthday!!  HAPPY GOLDEN BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! 

And he was due ....  drum roll please ....... St. Patrick's Day!  HA HA HA ...

But all the fun and laughter that I can enjoy now, I didn't then.  Not only was my life, and marriage completely falling apart as this huge rift was created between my ex-husband and I in our marriage, one that took another four years for me to shatter completely to the point where I could leave.... but it was soon very obvious that something was wrong with the baby.   Growth being a huge issue right away.

At 16 weeks I had an amnio done, and the only one I would let do them was that amazing Dr. B ... the only doctor that I truly ever trusted 100%.  At 18 weeks, I found out that the fears were true.  I sat on that clinic exam table, on the little paper runner .... and my whole world fell out from under my feet.

Funny enough .... all I really heard that day - truly heard - was "It's a boy," and I knew then his name would be Noah Alexander.   A nice strong name, and this child needed all the strength he could get.

We found out he has a rare genetic disorder called MOSAIC TRISOMY 16.  The condensed explanation since I'm sure 99.9% of you have NEVER heard of it ... is that while the egg is splitting putting a copy of each numbered chromosome (one from each parent) into each cell, some of these poor little chromosomes jumped into the wrong cells - three at a time and one in another..... oops!  So, MOSAIC means pieces ... not all cells are the same .... TRISOMY is three.... and 16 is the number of the chromosome that is effected.  So he had three 16th chromosomes in SOME of his cells, but not all of them.  The most heard about trisomy is Downs Syndrome with the 21st chromosome.   There are also some other ones, they have names - but not Mosaic Trisomy 16, so we usually just say MT16.

I was told Noah would die by the genetics team.  He wouldn't live, period.  If he did - he would be so mentally and physically delayed, it wouldn't be WORTH IT..... I disagreed.

Noah was born on February 1st, 2002... via emergency c-section at 33 weeks weighing in at ONE POUND and TWELVE OUNCES.  13 3/4 inches.

Noah 2 days old, off the vents - only 1lb 11oz at the time- February 3, 2002

The Doctors told the nurses in the NICU that he wouldn't survive ..... but he did. 

Today he is 15 years old!  He has issues, he almost died in 2007, the same week Nathan was born (you can read about it in Nathan's section)... but he is truly my little survivor.  He is the boy who lived....

Noah loves Legos, Pokemon and Doctor Who.  He likes to draw and he loves to watch YouTube and Netflix .... he loves Astronomy and is interested in learning all he can there.  He also like Dinosaurs a lot.  His favorite is the Pterodactyl.  The biggest thing to know about Noah is he was named right.  He once flooded his room saving all his (stuffed) animals ... and he really does have a huge animal heart.   I call him Dolittle sometimes.

Noah on a horse during a special event on May 15, 2012

Noah Alexander - 13 years old - on his birthday February 1, 2015

Noah - Age 14 - February 2016

Nathan was my first baby with my husband.  DB and I had set a date to get married - October 13, 2007.  We both dreamed of the big romantic wedding and reception ....  Funny enough, nothing like a baby to come along and squash those plans!  HA!  He wanted to try for a baby right away, knowing we wanted children together too.  He has a daughter with his ex-girlfriend and she doesn't allow him to have anything to do with her - he's tried.  It was an all or nothing thing for her, either he be with her and be with their daughter - or nothing at all.  She's encouraged his daughter to forget him and only allows her to know her step-dad as her "father."  She refused to give an address and every time he has called to try to talk to his daughter he gets screamed at .... regardless, this is for another day .... she is and always will be part of our family even though she isn't with us.

So ... after talking with my DR ... we were going to start trying for a baby naturally - give it three months, and then I was suppose to go in to see my doctor to discuss further options.  If I should get pregnant - he wanted me to take progesterone right away - from the second I got the positive test... and gave me a prescription to have on hand.  At that point - I was up to 12 miscarriages, and he thought it might me an answer.

Low and behold, we didn't even get to start trying.  About a week and a half after that appointment, and a super late period.. I peed on my second or third stick that week and got a positive result - no doubt about it positive, no squinting - no holding it up in the sunlight - two lines, there, in all the glory.  I got in ASAP for a beta and that confirmed it.  We were pregnant and progesterone was started.

It was funny how Nathan's pregnancy mimic'd Noah's.  I quickly got concerned.  Who wouldn't?  But my DR assured me it would be okay.  After all...... rare disorders couldn't strike twice.. right?   Yeah not so much.  Had an amnio with him, at 18 weeks - just before Dennis and I had our court house wedding, we found out he was a boy and everything was genetically perfect.  But, at my 20 week ultrasound just before the New Year, we found out it wasn't the case.  Baby had a cyst in his brain (Dandy Walker Variant), a two vessel cord, and I had some large fibroid tumors.

Really ....  between Noah's genetic disorder, my dermoid cyst, and now this .... I think that lucky lightning likes to strike me!!

The pregnancy was monitored heavily...  even more so than Noah's was.  First they weren't going to let me go past 34 weeks, then 35 ... then 36 ...  I even started the drugs to mature his lungs in March because they were pretty sure I wasn't going to last much longer but - he made it to 36 1/2 weeks.  He was born April 19th ....  his due date was May 13th ....

I'll never forget that week - Noah had been so sick, finally got a Doctor to listen to me at the hospital he was born at and where Nathan would be born ...  something was so wrong and the ER was telling me it was just a virus, I knew it wasn't....  turned out, he was close to dying.  The Doctor told me that if I hadn't gotten him in he would have been dead that week.  His kidneys were failing and things weren't good.  36 weeks pregnant ... I was sleeping on a bench under a window in a hospital room next to Noah's hospital bed .... praying.....

April 18, 2007 - finally getting better

The day Nathan was born ... I had to leave Noah in his hospital room with my Mom and Cal, and go one floor down to have the baby.  I was a blubbering mess.  

Nathan at birh - all 3lbs 4oz - April 19, 2007

But Nathan came into the world screaming - and trust me when I say it was music to my ears.  He was 3lbs 4oz of boy and 15 3/4 inches long.

Proud brothers look on to their baby brother Nathan in the NICU

He was put in the same spot Noah had been in the NICU and he was in the NICU until a few days prior to his Mother's Day due date .... and ended up coming home with an NG Tube for feeding - which means we had to learn to put it in and replace it and all that fun stuff.

At home with the NG tube

Nathan is 10 now .... he is amazing.  He has a lot of medical stuff going on ... but he is the most lovable cuddle bug ... 

At the age of 8, less than a month after his birthday ... we almost lost Nathan.  He got severe septic shock, ended up in the ICU.  It was a very hard time.  Much like when Noah almost died in 2007.  But our little man made it - proving what a fighter he is!

My little man Nathan - age 5 - 25lbs 37 inches - size of a 1 to 2 year old. Taken May 15, 2012

7 Year Old Nathan on Easter 2015 just before his 8th Birthday

Nathan - 9 years old - April 19, 2016 - 47 lbs & 3 ft 9 in

After all we'd been through - we decided we wanted ONE MORE ........ people were sure to put in their two cents on how stupid we were - after two kids with medical issues - how could we even take that chance????  HOW???

Because our family wasn't complete .... and no matter what, EVERY child is special.

I had a miscarriage on our 1st wedding anniversary and the DR had given me Clomid again ....  that first month on it...... two pink lines ....... one round belly .. a super healthy pregnancy (other than my issues and my bedrest... and a gift from him, gestational diabetes which never went away) ...  a SUPER healthy baby .....

He was born at 38 weeks....  on September 9th ... just ten days prior to his September 19th 2008 due date.  We had gone in to do an amnio to check his lungs because I was utterly miserable, my body wasn't handling a fat healthy baby very well after the two little ones I had.  However, the morning of September 9th, Kaedyn decided he was coming one way or another - as I went into labor on my own.   By the time I got there I was having contractions ever 2 minutes and I was 3 cm dilated .... trust me - this excited me so much - this was the first time I got to go into labor with no intervention and my body was doing what it was suppose to!!!  Too bad I couldn't keep going .... but thanks to Noah's emergency c-section - I had to have my 3rd c-section. 

My little MINI-ME ..... that he is.   He was 8lbs 3oz and 18 1/4 inches. 

He is age 9 now and had totally outgrown Nathan ...... for reason you will soon find out.... but now that Nathan is finally gaining, they are about the same size again.

Mr. Kaedyn ...  May 19, 2012 - Age 3 and a half...

6 Year Old Kaedyn on Easter 2015

Kaedyn age 7 - April 2016

Shila has been in our lives since the first week of September 2014, she came with a little itty bitty girl, and itty bitty immediately became out granddaughter.  Less than 11 months after Momma came in our lives, Elly did too.  So I have a "daughter" and two little pink grandbabies.

Shila - age 20 - Pregnant with Elly, July 2015

With them becoming FAMILY ....  we got our first Grandbaby!  Shila has a daughter from a previous relationship ... and then Shila and Kale had their first baby together, so we are the very PROUND Grandparents!  Just call us Nonna & Poppy!

 Clairah lives full time with her (biological) Dad & his family.  She was born June 28, 2013. We have been luck enough to be her Nonna and Popi and a gaggle of Uncles.  We absolutely love her to pieces.  It took a little bit to warm up to us, but she is such an amazing and sweet, well behaved child (she wasn't always well behaved, but pretty close!) ...

When she came into our lives, she was 16 months!  Shila had been battling to see her daughter, and I've helped her out as much as I can with that.  The other family (as I refer to them) has grown to trust us, and trust that Clairah is safe with us.  It's taken some time though.  I feel things are still not handled fairly - or with Clairah's best interest.  For example, if she's sick, she is with held from Shila's given visitation.  As if Shila cannot handle her being sick. So this is still a battle, but a little less of a battle I suppose.

It wasn't until about when Clairah turned 2 that she began to understand she was okay at Nonna & Poppy's house.  She slowly learned she could trust us.  She is very much a Mommy's girl, but she loves her Nonna and Poppy too.  I remember the first couple of visits (she hadn't seen Mommy for a couple of months, and she would become velcro to Mommy those first few visits/months.) But it was just a matter of letting Clairah do what she was comfortable with.  But man oh man, just fell in love with this little ball of energy.  And she sure does look like her Momma.

I was there for her birth (not in the room since Shila had a c-section) ... I stayed with them at the hospital... she has my heart :)  She has been my little girl since the day she was born and I will always love her tiny little heart!  As she's gotten older she is very curious, really funny, trouble creating lil soul.  


Newborn to 11 months old

1 Year Old (12 months) to 23 months old 

If you don't think I went through enough TRYING to get and stay pregnant .....  well, getting pregnant was never really the problem... it was staying pregnant ....  anyway, as if that weren't enough ...  my kids insist on keeping me on my toes!!

Some of the medical issues our family deals with ....  

Calahan - ADHD/mild ODD .... Dysgraphia (learning disability) ...  and when he was 2 1/2 we went through a Leukemia scare with him - bone marrow tests and all - luckily he didn't have Leukemia ... but from this we know he has some sort of bleeding disorder that they haven't been able to figure out.

Noah - 1lb 12oz at birth  - Mosaic Trisomy 16 - extremely rare genetic disorder.  We were told he would die before he was born, right after he was born or shortly after ...   he just turned 10 years old!  He had kidney failure in 2007 thanks to a bacteria running amok in his belly ... and luckily his kidney's healed but they get tired when he gets sick and we have to really watch him. He has significant hearing loss in his left ear and wears a hearing aid.  He has Dyslexia .... sensory issues, and various other stuff.   During pregnancy he had a poorly functioning placenta ... IUGR ... low fluid a lot of the time... he was also born with a hyposadious and a natural circumcision ... also diagnosed with Aspergers, ADD and Anxiety 

Nathan - 3lbs 4oz at birth - my little boy who loves the color pink .. lol..  originally he was diagnosed with Dandy Walker while he was in-utero ...  however, we have since learned that he has Russell Silver Syndrome (a type of primordial dwarfism) ...  he is 5 years old now, and 26 lbs.  He's a little shorter than his 3 yr old brother.  Technically he does have Dandy Walker Variant ...the vermus is missing in his cerebellum .... He also has something called polymicrogyria, his doctors say instead of the major fold between the two hemispheres of his brain, the front of Nathan's brain looks like a bunch of grapes - it has a lot of folds.  In addition to that, he has hypothyroidism, a high soft submucus closed cleft palate (meaning there is a mucus membrane on the roof of his mouth but no muscle behind it), Asthma  ...  he has Autism, major speech delay and various other things going on.  He had a 2 vessel cord and IUGR during pregnancy ...  he was also born with a hyposadious and Aortic Septal Defect

Kaedyn - aka Bubba ...  he was a fat healthy baby :)   He has eczema and severe allergies .... he has asthma and chronic croup when he gets sick....  and that's all :)   Well he does have speech issues also because he picked up "Nathanese" ...  Nathan and Kaedyn have a twin like relationship.  They were 16 months apart but Nathan was newborn-ish size when Kaedyn was born.  Kaedyn has started to take on the "protector" role over Nathan and only he can beat him up.... 

And that's just the cliff notes....

Now that I told you about my children that I manage to hold in my arms, let me tell you about the ones that grew wings and live in my heart. 

Our History....

1995 - pregnant
1995 - lost one twin (1st m/c) - Kearstyn
1996 - gave birth to Calahan
1997 - m/c at 6 wks - Bryce
1998 - m/c at 7 wks - Carson
1998 - m/c at 6 wks - Quinn
2000 - m/c at 6 wks - Makenzie
2001 - Clomid started
2001 - pregnant
2002 - Noah born premature
2002 - While pregnant with Hannah - we discovered I had a rare dermoid cyst in my ovary.  A dermoid cyst is when an egg tries to make a baby on it's own ... w/ no daddy.  They are complete with hair and teeth, and mine had hair ......
2002 - m/c at 11 wks - Hannah Rae
2002 - (Aug 7) Dermoid Cyst was surgically removed
2003 - m/c at 6 wks - Olivia
2003 - m/c at 5 wks - Corie
2003 - Clomid Started
2004 - m/c at 7 wks - Brennon Conner
2004 - Clomid continued for 3 cycles with no luck
2005 - m/c at 5 wks - Hailey
(divorce from 1st husband)
2006 - m/c at 5 wks w/ ex bf - Neese Cleary
(met husband)
2006 - m/c at 5 wks - Finn
2006 - pregnant 
(married husband)

2007 - Nathan born premature
2007 - m/c at 5 wks - Caelan (on our first wedding anniversary) 
2007 - Clomid started
2008 - pregnant
2008 - The Wolf got Big V
2008 - Kaedyn born
2009 - Started BC Pills for hemorrhaging cycles
2010 - (missed a month of BC Pills due to moving)
2010 - m/c at 9 wks - Rowan - SURPRISE!
2012 - m/c at 4 wks - Emrys
2015 - m/c at 4 wks - Ainsley

(photo found on Google,I added the names, if it is your image, it's amazing and I love it)

REMEMBERING THOSE I LOST

Looking at it my history makes me a little sad.  I lost so many babies ....  some of them I distinctly remember ...  with vivid memories....   some were just tears I have shed ...  I name all my pregnancies .... either I go with gut on what it was, or I go neutral ...  most of all ...  I need it for closure...

Every pregnancy had an impact on me, but some ..... more than others.  Here are a few of their stories....

Kearstyn - my first miscarriage ....  my son's twin.  I knew I was pregnant - my cycle was like clockwork ...  I KNEW it in every bone of my body.   I got a faint test but it wasn't enough to write home about.  Then I started having some spotting, and cramping ... and one night, it got a lot worse and I started to pass some huge clots (which I had never done before, heck - before that, I never really cramped - and I was doubled over in pain cramping...)  ...  I had called into work and said I had food poisoning ...  I couldn't bare to say the words.  To admit it.  The pregnancy symptoms never went away and I didn't take another test.  Finally - about 3-4 weeks after the miscarriage I went into the DR and they did a pregnancy test on me after I told them what was going on.   Low and behold....  I was pregnant.  Upon exam, I was at least 8 weeks.   It had been twins, and that broke my heart. 

Makenzie - I remember I lost after Calahan kicked me in the stomach repeatedly ...  It was a sad day for me because I was realizing there was something wrong with Cal and then this happened.  (It was a combo of terrible toddlerhood and ADHD/ODD which he would soon get diagnosed with... wasn't his fault - I think it was just more of a coincidence ...  but that's what I remember ....    at this point, I was really starting to think I'd never have another baby ...

Hannah Rae -  my hardest miscarriage ....  I was almost in my second trimester ...  I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was ten weeks along.   I was so busy with Noah - who I had just brought home from the NICU that it didn't even dawn on me I hadn't had a period since he was in the NICU.  He wasn't even newborn weight yet and we weren't really going anywhere other than to DRs appointments.   Not to mention - I was going through so much stress with stuff going on with my ex husband.  I didn't want to be pregnant - I had so much on my plate ....  I thought it was just a fluke.  I called in and got a blood test set up....  sure nuff ...  I was pregnant.  I had never been so upset to be pregnant in my life - but trust me when I say it was a really really bad time in my life.  I felt so guilty because I actually had a fleeting moment of thinking "I don't want this" and sitting in my car and crying... then I looked in my backseat and I saw Calahan and Noah.  Calahan was 6 years old, and Noah was in a carseat bed because he wasn't even five pounds.  Calahan asked me why I was crying.  In that moment I realized - tried for or not, that baby was a blessing and I would take it.  I instantly got over the confusion and filled with love.  Excited that I was going to have Irish Twins. For someone who had such a hard time staying pregnant, I was already ten weeks!!  I was almost pass that first major hurdle.  My ex husband got a day late Father's Day gift.  He was so excited.  We started talking names.  The following week I had an early ultrasound and found out the baby's heart had stopped.  I was crushed.  I kept getting this thought "She wants to be named Hannah, she wants to be named Hannah" over and over and over for days before and after the ultrasound.  Finally - I told my ex and I had this peace wash over me.  The following day was my birthday, and I started to spot.  The day after my birthday, I started to have mild contractions and I remember passing the baby .... I actually had to push a little to get it out ...  there were follow ups with the DR to make sure all the "fetal tissue" passed and ultrasounds...  I was so sad and carried guilt ....  I keep wondering if she died because for that split second - I didn't want another baby at that time.   BTW - Rae is my middle name.  I wanted her to forever have a piece of me .... 

Brennon Conner -  after losing Hannah ....  I realized I wanted another baby - so when we were ready - we decided to go ahead and try.  So when I got pregnant with the aid of Clomid again - I thought for sure nothing bad would happen.  I got confirmation from the DR with the blood tests, they were keeping an eye on my levels ... after Hannah they started doing that with each pregnancy.  I had this naive belief that Clomid was my miracle drug.  If I got pregnant on Clomid, nothing could go wrong.  So ... I got one of those digital pregnancy tests - I wanted a picture of it for my scrapbook - for the baby's scrapbook ... so I gave it several days after the other tests, knowing it was a little higher hCG needed for it ...  and I wanted to make sure it said "Pregnant" ...  so I took it, and waited ...... and when it said "NOT PREGNANT" I flipped out .... I called the DR crying - they tried to assure me that nothing was wrong - it was probably just a fluke...  so I got off the phone, ripped open the pregnancy test, and there was only the one line on the stick.  So I went and gotten the type of test I had been taking where I had been getting lines on the tests .... and when that came back negative ... I called them back up - hysterical.   They told me to come in the following day ....  for a level check.  So I did...  went home after ....  and laid on the couch ...  hand my feet up ... gravity was my friend... it was a fluke - everything would be fine....   but I didn't believe it .. .not for a second.   Then the call came.  "Your test was negative.  You are no longer pregnant...."  I had ZERO hCG in my blood stream ...  none ...... miscarriage was eminent.   I threw the phone across the room.   That was the one and only time I've ever thrown a phone......  and Clomid - definitely not a guarantee ...

Doctor told me I would have to use Progesterone from now on with each pregnancy - take it the first twelve weeks.  So next time I found out I was pregnant - to call right away....
  

Neese Cleary ....  well that is the only baby I lost on purpose.  I was going through a divorce, dating someone ....  and just ....... not ........ ready ....... for ......... that.   This (pregnancy) caused my ex boyfriend and I to break up on Valentine's Day pretty much - cuz that's when I told him I was pregnant- even though - I wasn't going to tell him ... he guessed.   I told him "give it a week, I'll probably lose it anyway" ....   sure enough I lost the baby the following week  :(    Yeah .... there is guilt there about that one too...

Finn ...  I was in North Carolina ...  couldn't get the prescription ...

Caelan ... I got a faint positive but started cramping really bad so I knew it was probably already to late :/   I lost this baby on my husband's and my first wedding anniversary ....  I started clomid after and two weeks later, got pregnant with Kaedyn (our youngest) ....

Rowan ..  Well....  the husband was fixed, I was on birth control - although I knew I had stopped taking birth control while we moved ...   I remember I was having symptoms - but ... two forms of birth conrtol... really? ....   so I kept talking myself out of it....   one night in the ER with my husband I was eating Starburst and all of a sudden, I just had to throw up ... not even nauseated really ....  so I made a mad dash to the bathroom and sure enough - threw up the candy.... now, I mental note - if you have to throw up - throw up Starburst ... didn't taste half bad (ewwwwww I know) ...  anyway ...  I got back to the room and my half asleep drugged up (from meds they gave him) said "you willed them to build a bridge didn't you?" .... and I looooooooooked at him.   No idea how he knew I threw up or even that I half suspected I was pregnant - but.....  that was odd.  Bridge explanation - when he got the vasectomy he was told that there maybe a third tube, or that the tubes may build back up on their own - fix themselves....  Running joke is - I want a girl and hubby got fixed before we found out the youngest was a boy ...  so I told him I was going to will his sperm to build a bridge!!!   Well, I - yet again - brushed it off.  Kept saying "It can't be - he was fixed" ....   blah blah blah.  4th of July I found myself in the bathroom with horrible doubling over cramps, and then it happened....... I passed this glob of tissue.  Un-mistakable...   I called my husband into the bathroom and he was all "that looks like an umbilical cord" .... I was crying ... I was heartbroken...  I could have done something..... if only I had listened to myself.   I took a pregnancy test - just for shnitz and giggles....  it was positive.  I keep an eye on things - just incase it had been twins...  but it was just the fact that the hCG hadn't completely left my body - went into the DR .... made sure I had passed everything....   I did, but still.... SURPRISE!

Emrys ....  With Rowan we found out the vasectomy failed, and with everything going on - it just wasn't on our *top* things to worry about - especially since I have been taking birth control pills on top of everything.   Well - I spotted, thought AF was coming... but it stopped.  Few days later .... took a test, negative.  Okay, it's all in my head.  Even Dennis was commenting on it.  Commenting on how he *knew* I was pregnant based on how I was acting and feeling.   So I took another test .... it wasn't a dark positive, but it was a positive non-the-less ...

I got two positive tests ... and then he begged me to go in and get on my meds to keep the pregnancy.  He was so excited, telling me this was his reason to walk again (He lost the ability to walk in Nov. 2011) So I did.....  apparently it was already too late.  My numbers were not good and I knew miscarriage number 15 was inevitable....  

Ainsley ....  Our most recent loss.   I haven't gotten pregnant in years.  I figured .... well, all those little swimmers he may have left over - are gone.... until April Fools.  I took a test on April Fools because I was having symptoms.  I took the test "just to be sure" I wasn't pregnant.  I took one on the 2nd because - well - my boobs were HUGE.  And I just .... had a feeling.  I noticed a hint of a line on that one, looks back at the one from the first and noticed it there too.....  took another, got a line, for sure.... and another.....

Looked up the due date, just happens to have been on our 9th Anniversary ..... 

Woke up Easter morning bleeding.  Message in my head.... "Happy Easter, Welcome to your Miscarriage" .....

The pain and bleeding was horrible, the clots were just something else, and at one point I almost asked my husband to take me into the ER cuz it was so bad.  But.... it's done now.  10 days after the first test.  It's all done.  Finally sat down to find a name I liked, that spoke to me ....  and time to make a "16 miscarriages" graphic to replace the 15 miscarriages one.

Going to focus on the Granddaughter on the way.

After you read all that ...... here is a good blog on INFERTILITY:  MY JOURNEY TO MY CHILDREN

I may not understand everything - but I've been through a lot to get the great kids I have :)  I understand a lot....  especially that of loss.  

I hope you'll dig a little deeper in my blog, find some humor and a couple of heart touching stories.  Please check out the miracles I have ... read Noah & Nathan's stories (tabs above) ...

Please leave comments if you've been here so I can check out your blog :)

**someone asked me in my comments (on another page) if we were sure Rowan was a miscarriage, and that I wasn't just late.  I wanted to add my reply on here .... in case someone else was wondering....

Yes, I'm sure it was a miscarriage - it was my 14th one.... and being late didn't bother me. I'm late all the time because I take my active birth control pills in secession so I don't have a period at all. I had pregnancy symptoms and funny enough, my husband even noticed. And when I had the miscarriage, I took a pregnancy test - sure nuff it was positive. So yeah, we're for sure that was a miscarriage. I have had some questionable ones since, but I haven't counted them - I have had a lot more questionable ones....

 In addition to that - I'll never forget the day - because it was 4th of July.  I lost Hannah the day after my birthday ....  and Caelan was on my husband's and my 1st Anniversary .....  happy anniversary huh?  ..... I only name pregnancies that I was absolutely for sure about.  I've probably had a lot more miscarriages than the 15 ...   plus, during my later ones - it's very obvious when you miscarry ... you just learn how your body deals and the tissue you expel is unmistakable

You can find some of my favorite (and funny) posts on the side of my blog under Highlight Posts (left side column) .....  you can read more about my Infertility ....  Pregnancies ... and NICU experiences .... The condensed version of Noah's Story and the condensed version of Nathan's story .... along with longer versions of Noah's and Nathan's....   (there is different stuff/pictures in each one if you want to read both versions)

Some of the links will take you to my other blog - My Unique Flowers - where I update on all the medical stuff. 

Also want to draw attention to the following posts (articles) I wrote:
FEELINGS OF INFERTILITY (written in 2006)
AGAINST THE ODDS (a story about Noah written in 2004 and revised through the years)
SURVIVING SPECIAL NEEDS (written in 2011)

THOSE I HAVE LOVED IN MY LOST WHO HAVE GONE ON TO PLAY WITH THE BABIES IN HEAVEN....... 

The first man I ever loved in my life....  My Grandfather who died while I was still a child has been there to greet every one of his Great-Grandbabies... 

Lawrence Day 1921-1987

My Grandmother, who helped raise me ....whom I have a great love for.... 

Berneil Day 1922-1999

Calahan and Noah's Grandmother ....  

Jeannie Gonyer 1953-2012

My Uncle, my mom's youngest brother - he was only ten years older than me....  

Tracy Day 1965-2014

Jackson, my nephew, was a baby so fought for and wanted. 9 years of trying to conceive, and several miscarriages - my best friend, my soul sister - realized on December 30th 2016 at 31 weeks, that her precious son Jackson wasn't moving like normal.  Then she realized he wasn't really moving at all.  But she had some medical issues and the people she saw made her feel stupid for going in and complaining ... so she just wanted to wait it out rather than go in for nothing.  But it wasn't nothing.  The little gymnast that Jackson proved to be ... created a huge knot in his cord and had wrapped his cord around his neck twice...  and it had been earlier discovered that Jackson had a 2 vessel cord which they couldn't find any reason for but with the one vessel of his cord being put pressure on, there wasn't another to keep him going.  It was a very sad, heartbreaking, and crushing set of circumstances.  She finally went in only to find out the worst news in her life, when she told me I prayed it was a dream, prayed it wasn't true... but it was.