SAT-er-PAIN

I did not sleep well last night at all ... infact, I didn't sleep at all ....  I didn't actually get any sleep until about 5am or so ... then I slept for maybe 3 hours?  Then through out the day, it's been ....  nap for an hour here, nap for an hour there ... nap for five minutes and get woken up ..

So now that it's 5:30 PM .......  I'm finally A W A K E ..... :::sigh:::

Such is my life....  I mean, I get on a normal schedule and BAM.....

......... insomnia and pain .........

That sounds like a really bad alcoholic drink....  or a bad band .... not sure which ...

Yes Bartender.....  I'd like an INSOMNIA AND PAIN please... 

It looks pretty but instead of making you feel a little buzzed, it makes you ugly cry....

I wish I drank .... especially some days with my kids.  I wish I drank,  I especially wish I was a wine drinker ...  cuz, I'd love nothing more than to just sit back and be a wino .... I'm a classy girl! I wanna go to wine tastings and those painting and wine classes ...  lol .... ::sigh::

But I don't like wine, or beer, or alcohol ...  I can't stand that alcohol taste ....

.......... I don't even like coffee and I'm living in a coffee mecca ...  there is a Starbuck on every corner .... in every grocery store!

Anyway ..... I've had a rough day to say the least.  I haven't been feeling well and my hands (that have been bothering me for a long time have been REALLY bad today.

So naturally between naps I played on Snapchat ....

Ending with this picture of my bed demon ..... he'll stare at you all night long ....

There has been a lot of stuff going on the last month ...  besides the normal everyday stuffzzz .... but I just haven't been sure what all I want to share.  Now, I'm an open book - but this isn't exactly my story to tell either.  It effects my life, yes ....  but it's just less my story and as some point I have to respect that of my kids.

Coffee & Hate ....

DB and I were talking this morning ....  I was telling him about a graphic I had seen and shared this morning.......

And then we were laughing about how much it sounds like DB....

..... but then DB says....  something and I remember laughing .... and then I said something like...

"Only with you, it's more like - Some people require inspirational quotes to start their day.  Me: Caffeine and Hate .... and then hate all day ..."  LOL

BUT as we were driving - running errands .... he was getting more and more hateful at drivers ....

I was like ... that coffee lasted long ...

He goes .....  "Well, people happened....."

and then we laughed and I ended up coming home and making these .....

The second one is the quote that we actually said in the car and we laughed at, then DB goes "you need to make that into a graphic"  .... lol.... 

So I did .....

Parenting....

Rough Day....

I had a really rough night last night.  I'm spending time with my hubby and I check FB only to find out ....  based on yesterday's blog (and other things) .... there was some backlash from certain people...  

At this time...  I'm not going to get into it .... because I'm hoping it'll straighten out.  

So I ended up - not sleeping ....  like at all.   Between my anxiety (even though I took my anxiety meds) and my natural and typical insomnia ...  I got spurts of sleep for literally a few minutes at a time ...  

This morning, I ended up taking Cal and Tina to the greenhouse I was telling them about.  We had a good time - it's a pretty amazing place... and getting more amazing from the sounds of it!  With additions of some trails and more structures like the Hobbit House....   it's going to be pretty amazing.  There is talk of a large mushroom structure you can walk in (or through) ...  and a dragon, and some other things....  

Then we headed to Mom's to babysit Elly .... Papa needed to go to work and Nana has a sewing conference this weekend ...  plus Elly is pretty epic ... I love spending time with her.

Except when I don't feel good ... lol... and boy oh boy I did not feel good today and yes, because of lack of sleep - I didn't feel good... plus normal every day struggles ....  that suck - but I've been dealing with since I was 15 when I got sick.

So ....... I'm not going to write a lot tonight.  I'll write more tomorrow and share pictures, and hope that I've gotten some sleep and that I'll feel better.  

Courage ...

Ohana

Be Positive ...

Inner Demons ...

Sometimes ........ some days .... no matter how many friends you do or don't have, no matter the quality of friendships ....

.... sometimes the feeling of being worthless is too much not to weigh you down. 

Um..... Yep....

Live, Laugh, Love .....

Breathe.....

oOoOoR BiGgEr .....

Just saying ....

Not Today .....

Joys in Each New Day

Today was a horrible day today ... just so ... I just can't deal.  I have to but I can't.  You know the saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" .... well, I have been given a truck load and I can't anymore.  

But what choice do I have?

I truly have this amazing attitude, I try to be upbeat and happy every day.  I try to keep my family happy and positive.  Things could ALWAYS be worse.  ALWAYS ....  and no matter what happens, what choice is there but to put one foot in front of the other and keep going?  Because there is only one alternative, and frankly, that's not an option.  

And then DB's back started up.   So bad that he had me take him to the ER where he LAID on the floor because he couldn't sit in the chairs.  It hurt THAT much.  I ended up sitting with him down there for about an hour or so and he sent me home to go back to bed.

And some days - especially lately - I just NEED to remember this message.  

"It's easy to be filled with gratitude when things are going well.  I am working on having a positive attitude and a grateful heart ALL the time. I love to find the joys in each new day."

Perfect message ... .  perfect......

Sigh .....

I feel like I have nothing at the moment.  I mean - I don't mean the way that sounded ...   what I mean is, I can barely function. The new cough - it won't go away ... I'm coughing up thick yellow phlegm but it's just "severe asthma" according to the doctor at the ER.  This is more than severe asthma, I have had asthma since I was a teenager - I have also had bronchitis pretty much every year of my life, I have also suffered from pneumonia several times in my life.  This isn't just asthma. Especially when the asthma meds don't help.  The Prednisone is gone. And if DB isn't working on Tuesday, I think I'll be going to see my DR during her urgent care hours.  

My health has declined a lot.  Especially in the last week.  One day.we got  up and left the house and was so thankful for leaving my bedroom....  but alas, I pay for it wickedly the next day.  I get up and I walk - just to make sure I can, but I can't walk far for the dizzy takes over and my eye sight is bad I can't read anything.  I am dependent on my family, and I feel useless.  

I wish it would stop.  I want my life.  I want to make promises of doing things that I can keep.  My cousin asks me to go to her ultrasound with her and I am excited to go but in the back of my brain, I'm thinking ... can I?  I didn't.  She contacted me saying one of her friends wanted to go really bad so she was going with ....  and it's a good thing, because I had a really bad morning.  

So I have been doing some PINTRERSTING .....  So many pins..... 

I am being a Pinterest Addict.

Not doing very well....

Cough - Cough - Gag .... feel like death....

The last week and a half.... WOW....

We're home. So thankful to be home. Nathan's first night home was okay. He is really weak and tired, Daddy promised him cheeseburgers, so he's excited for that. Dennis and I were reflecting on the last week and a half. The staff at Seattle Children's is amazing. They really try to make you feel like things aren't as serious as they are. It's crazy to think about how close we were to losing Nathan. He was on two types of epinephrine just to keep his blood pressure up because it was dropping so low. He had severe septic shock ... severe hypotension... in the hospital, all you could do was take it in and step forward - but now that we are home, it's hitting us how serious and scary it was. Now that we have time to think, it's just punching us in the gut. Regardless, he's on the road to recovery. He is a ROCK STAR. I can't even begin to explain how much of a ROCK STAR this kid is. He had 5 different IVs, a PICC line, countless blood draws, a catheter that didn't want to go in, and didn't want to come out. He amazed us every day with how he kept himself together and let them do what they needed to do. I would sit next to him and remind him to breath and he would breath through all this stuff, Super Nathan is a ROCK STAR.  My heart soars .... 

Going Home today!

We're most likely going HOME today!!!

It Gets Better.....

Empathy!

Back in a regular room!  Woot!!  No more ICU!