This is going to be a long emotional vomit. And by vomit, I mean VOMIT. It may sound like I'm putting a lot of the "blame" on him, but I'm not. I'm sure I had my fair share of eff-ups ... but I have never told someone else I loved them while I was married ... (with out being separated and getting a divorce, that was my first marriage.)
My first marriage ended, after ten years, for a lot of reasons. But the last straw was when he decided to have a relationship beyond friendship with the girl who was supposed to be my best friend. Or at least one of them. The one that lived closest to me anyway. The last straw was when he decided to spend the weekend with her - after she invited him over for dinner and a movie without me (who does that?).... and he didn't come home until she got her kids back - he left on a Friday evening and didn't come home until Sunday.
This was my last straw of wanting to leave for five years. I called and called and called and she called me back and blatantly threw in my face "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your husband wants a divorce" .... so I said good. This was after he finally called me back and I told him if he didn't come home I was going to file for divorce. He moved into the spare bedroom after that ... then basically made it (it seemed to me) his life's mission to rub it in my face he had my best friend and I didn't.
She of course says nothing ever happened. Personally - I'd like the truth but it doesn't matter in the slightest little bit because he'll stick to his story and she'll stick to hers. The only reason I want the truth is because I am a writer, I have to have the puzzle pieces to make sense of, and move past things. But I've accepted that I'll never be able to fill in those pieces. Perhaps they just aren't part of my story because neither of them are really in my life anymore.
I am not one of those women who tell their husbands they can or can't do this or that. I am not controlling like that. I believe in free-will. I believe actions speak louder than words. I told him I didn't think he should go that weekend, I brought up the fact that HE shouldn't be going and spending any time alone with any woman without his wife. I brought up the fact that I thought it was tactless and there were other motives to her calling and inviting HIM and just HIM to dinner and movie at her place when she had NEVER in our friendship invited me over for dinner and a movie. But he chose to go. According to him, they slept together that weekend. According to her, nothing happened, she was just being a friend.
Regardless, we filed for divorce, and on May 5, 2006 - I was granted my divorce.
Going into my relationship with DB - I was full disclosure. I told him about me, told him about Noah and his rare genetic disorder, my fears and what we knew and didn't know about it. I told him I couldn't tolerate cheating. It's the one thing that makes me absolutely bat shit crazy. I will not be with someone because it's more convenient to be with that person than to leave them and move on like they should, instead of having things on the side. I told him about my illness, I told him everything. I figured, if he was going to leave, I would rather disappear right away and not get invested or attached.
But he accepted it all.
But ... I sensed he wasn't ready. We got engaged, started planning our wedding, everything was great! But I had a tiny feeling that he was looking for an escape. I got pregnant, wedding put on hold, mentioned that we could get married before the end of the year and have a bigger wedding later. He said no. Fine. Started finding things he was sending to his ex.... including saying that our relationship was just a convenience. I blew a gasket.
He begged to stay, swore it was me he was wanting. She got into his head and jumbled things up.
Then he did the most romantic proposal in the world. I don't think ANYONE can told this in the whole world for romance.
He left for work, and with in two minutes called me from his cell phone - and said "you wanna get married next month?"
Wow... be still my beating heart! I asked him repeatedly if he was sure. Of course this was after telling him that I really really really wanted a good proposal - something memorable.... and I'm still waiting.
In the weeks prior to our quickie courthouse wedding .... he was going out drinking, getting drunk.... I had a high risk pregnancy.... and I knew - sensed - deep down in my gut .... that he REALLY didn't want to marry me.
But I thought - surely he wouldn't go through with it if it wasn't what he wanted. He's been married twice before, said he'd never get married again, but seemed to want to marry me from moment one.
I honestly expected him to back out.
It wasn't until the wedding was over, and I was in shock he actually did it.
Romance, I know.
Drinking and coming home drunk continued for a few months - nothing pissed me off more. Okay - there were things that pissed me off more but that sure was up there. Especially the night that they drove home drunk. That night I could have shot them! But it didn't matter how I felt. I was just being controlling and manipulative according to him.
Regardless, there were things here and there with the ex....
Then our son was born, slightly early, pretty small. I was in the NICU with him, he was at home taking care of my (our) other kids. Who knows what else he was doing or who he was talking to .....
Had a miscarriage on our first anniversary. Happy fucking anniversary.
But I promptly got pregnant with Kaedyn two weeks later. Miscarriage December 13, 2007 - Found out I was pregnant January 10, 2008. When did I get pregnant? About New Years....
But by then he had started to play this game. He was OBSESSED with this game. And it was some stupid game like Dance Dance Revolution that you play on the computer. Well - fine - whatever. I was taking care of the kids, and he was coming home from work, cooking, and then getting on this game all night.
Her name was Naomi........
I hate the name Naomi now.
We started to fight... about this game. I sensed things were not as casual as he was saying. So I started to investigate. This was in the day of Myspace where your #1 and #2 spots were reserved for your boyfriend/girlfriend and best friend.... and you kinda ordered friends in order of importance. DB was her #1 followed by her DAUGHTER in her #2 spot.
And I'm supposed to think this was NOTHING???
So I called him out on it. He told me "She's going through a divorce and she has no interest in anything romantically ... we just talk about cooking and other stuff we have in common." And "I can't control where she puts me, there is NOTHING on my end of things."
I didn't know at the time I would hear that a lot ....... "I can't control...." what other people do. And "We're just friends!" ..... and the funny thing is - is - that he ONLY says "we're just friends" like that, when more than friends is going on.
SO I tell him that clearly she has more feelings for him than him for her then. He doesn't care, keeps blowing me off - like my feelings aren't valid and I'm just being psycho.
The last straw was when I walked into the room and he quickly clicks out of an email he was writing her in game - and I asked what was that? He says nothing. I told him "then show me." SO he does, and here it's a "ring" because in the game - in order to do some missions, you have to be married to someone to do them.
I blew the fuck up. BLEW UP.
Marriage isn't something to toy around with, that's serious and I don't care if it's in a game. That's bullshit. I was pregnant - we just found out. We had only been married for a year! Still, it pissed me off. It felt like he was pissing on our marriage. She was more important. He'd basically come home, cook, spend very little time with me and/or the kids (mostly the kids) and then it was game time. Eventually, he'd come to bed and sleep next to me.
After that whole blow up he asked her "for the ring back" and explained to her that he couldn't play the game anymore. PROMPTLY his picture on her myspace moved from #1 to the middle of the ones that were exposed.
After that whole thing, he started messaging his ex from work. Complaining to her about me. Saying he expected the pregnancy to end in miscarriage, hoped it did. (I just told him during this last go round that this still, to this day, kills me inside. Every time he says "I'm so glad we had him" or what not, I feel like screaming "BUT YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM!"... but I don't....he says he wishes he had never said that, but he is the best thing that has happened to us. I'm glad he feels that way now...) That he was planning on leaving. A few months later, she sent me the whole conversation, said she thought I should know. He says "she probably added things to make it worse" and yet there is enough in there that I know he HAD to be saying these things. Things she wouldn't know unless he told her. So what happens? I go into early labor. Started having contractions, and continued to until I had him.
I flat out told him I would not fight to keep him, he could leave. I don't want someone to be with me because I beg them to, or because they feel they HAVE to out of obligation. Because we have kids. Whatever. If you don't want to be with me... ME........ then DON'T BE WITH ME.
That was the first time I said the word divorce to him. I told him - flat out - that if he wanted to leave, there was the door. I wouldn't keep his kids from him. And I meant it.
He begged to stay. It took time to work through things, he denied anything happened with her (Naomi). Denied that there was ANYTHING on his end. I didn't believe him, but you can't make someone tell you the truth.
Than Naomi reared her ugly head again on Facebook a few years later. Around the same time he started having major medical issues. I remember being in the ER with him and he was back getting an MRI or CT scan and his phone beeped. So I grabbed it thinking his mom or family was trying to talk to him on facebook, so I went there ... and checked his messages. It wasn't his mom so I left it, but I noticed this message with a chick named Naomi. So I clicked on it .... and it was her. It wasn't anything horrible, but but it confirmed that there was definitely something more going on those years before. Something other than "it's not like that on my end and if she has feelings for me I can't control them" BS.... He was talking about he missed her and basically wished things between them could still be like it was.
Years later, this still broke my heart. He lied to me...... LIED to me. But what guy isn't going to sit there and say ... "nothing is going on" .... they don't want to be punished, yelled at, hated. But it was about 3 1/ 2 years later. I did get mad at him for telling her he "missed her" or whatever it was he said.
And the worst part was when he was talking to her, I figured out, was when I was at the hospital with Nathan for one of his surgeries.
Fast forward to February and March of this year. We have been going through a lot. Kids medical stuff, his medical stuff, my own medical stuff..... he was dealing with a lot emotionally and physically and it felt to me like he checked out. So ... I checked out. I didn't see it until this happened, but I did - I checked out. I was angry at him, and we were both just going through the motions I think.
We're stuck in this situation where we don't have the money to do ANYTHING. We're both home, only leaving when we need to because we can't even "waste" gas to go to the park a lot of the time. It's paying the bills, supporting the kids, medical stuff, traveling for doctors appointments, and that's pretty much it.
All this time he was stuck in a wheelchair. His health was crap, mentally he couldn't deal. He spent most the time he was in the wheelchair in bed. He'd throw an excuse at me about having a headache or being sore.... he had to go lay down. I realize, it probably HADN'T been excuses, but it sometimes felt like it. (And I understand this is how he feels with my flare up right now.) I didn't realize it then, or maybe I did, but the weight of the world, the weight of our whole family was on me... and I was resentful. It wasn't in my control, I don't even think it was in HIS control, but it wasn't anything I was going to throw at him, there wasn't anything to blame him for, it was just the situation, and I was mad at the situation .... I was resentful of the situation .... but it was my ...our.... situation, and I had to power on. I had to keep going. I have four kids, and him, and I had to make sure everyone's needs were met.
Then - a miracle - he started to walk again one day. He just got up, and he walked across the room. I about cried. I knew it was going to still be a long road, we still had no answers as to why - but - he was walking.
And then I went down. It was like, finally - I could allow myself to give into all the issues I was having and not have to force myself to get up and deal with everything that needed to be done. But I was finally free enough to not have the whole weight of our world on my shoulders, I could do what I needed to do ... for me. And my body just ....... failed.
He still didn't do a lot. Still only really cooked, he would take care of the kids because he was out there and I was hiding in our room - with the door open - with the kids still coming to me for everything under the sun and just visiting me ... but the pain was horrible and the heat didn't help. The only place we had A/C was in our room.
He would complain here and there about stuff, this and that not being clean ... I think he wanted to call me a lazy bitch several times but he never did. But I checked out, and I gave up. It's one of the reasons why I have been so bad at blogging lately.
I just ...... didn't...... care. Maybe I took for granted some things.... maybe after having to carry so much on me for so long, I just couldn't anymore. I don't know.....
He blew up at me one day in February and I knew at that point, he was thinking of leaving (again.) - but I didn't acknowledge it. Not to myself, and certainly not out loud. I couldn't go there. But I knew.
I could tell he was just fed up with me. Didn't see it so much at the time, but I felt it, I realize that now.
It doesn't help that we live in a tiny little apartment, every stitch of money I make has to go towards bills and necessities, we never really get out of the apartment unless it's to go to Nana & Papa's or the Doctors. Woot.... fun times!
It's hard.
I looked it up recently. 80% of families with Special Needs kids get divorced. 80%. I also read that's not true, and it's somewhere closer to 75% ... still, that's a lot. Even if it's 50% ... it's still scary.
But the fact is, your kids come first, other things come second, then way down there on the list is your marriage. Not so much that your partner is down there, but the marriage it'self. I noticed - we don't do date nights anymore, can't afford it. We try to do date nights at home but - really - it's just another night at home with the kids in our bed pausing the movie we are trying to watch because it's not appropriate for them to watch and having to put everything on hold... for the kids. And that's another thing, almost every night (maybe 3% of nights we get a break) ... we have two little kids crawl in bed with us, AT LEAST to fall asleep. But about 60% of the time, one or BOTH kids end up back in our bed at some point in the middle of the night.
This leaves intimacy out the window. Add to the fact that - his back is basically broken and he doesn't want to anyway. It hurts. It causes pain. Why would you WANT to do something, even THAT, when it causes pain. Which leaves me feeling rejected and unwanted - which in my HEAD I know isn't the case, but try telling my heart that. I constantly feel unloved, not sexy, hurt, rejected, all kinds of things that I know probably aren't true, but they sure do feel true to me.
Our sex life was AMAZING when we met. Couldn't stay away from each other, out of each other's arms. Of course, it's the throws of passion, when love is beginning, you don't want to leave each other's side. Clothes get torn off and there is only one thing on your mind.... to be with them. Then comes kids, and marriage, and obligations, and growing up (not necessarily in that order) and it just can't be about the two of you anymore. It's you in the the middle of this bubble of chaos that is so out of your control. It's hard to see each other, truly see each other, through the static that is life. You get lost. And in our case, he was thrown into an instant family. We had a short few weeks of it just being us, and then he was the father of three only his daughter wasn't with us.
But still... don't get me wrong. There are moments where he would look me in the eyes and tell me how beautiful I am. Where he would cuddle me and be sure to kiss me and tell me he loves me a billion times a day. He is the first person where when he says I'm beautiful, I believe him. I would be trying to go to sleep, or I would be sleeping, but in a moment... in a heartbeat.... I would be aware of him, and I would feel his hand on my face, brushing away a stray hair, or a kiss on the cheek or forehead, and he would whisper to me how much he loved me or that I'm beautiful, and I would melt. He wasn't telling me this to lie to me, this was his truth, he thought I was sleeping.
That's where I find heaven.
But then.... I feel like something is amiss.
So ..... I get these gut feelings everything he's ready to bolt, when he's talking to some girl ... telling her what a rotten human I am ... I have stuck by him through so much, waited patiently, wanting nothing but the best for him, being a support for him, being his sounding board, watching him be in pain, be angry, be sad, be heart broken, be it all because of all this going on with him medically. I have stood by him through things that most women would have just thrown up their hands at and said "it's enough, I can't do it anymore."
But my feet were planted ... I wasn't going anywhere.
No, I'm not Susie Home-Maker.... I'm not Betty Crocker. He cooks and the kids trash anything I pick up an hour later, if not five minutes later. I'm not going to spend my whole day cleaning stuff up, over and over and over and getting mad because they won't keep it clean. I'm not going to live my life yelling at my kids. Yes, it gets cleaned, and vacuumed, and picked up and wiped down - pretty much every day - but every day there is garbage all over the counters because no one (but me it seems) knows how to throw things away. Nathan loves to make it rain food so there is constantly food in the living room that needs to get vacuumed up ... we live in a tiny apartment where we are six people ... where we homeschool, where he likes to cook, where we need stuff on hand but have very little storage space. Our room is the "catch all" for things that don't have homes. I try to find homes for things, more stuff ends up in my room. It's never ending. Add in the fact that WE HAVE NO WASHER AND DRYER and have to take laundry to my mom's, but again I run into the time factor. When do I have time to sit there for hours and do it? I don't.... so it piles up, unless I take it over there and pray my mom takes pity on me and does it for me.
But still..... I am ONE PERSON with TWO hands and a lot of things balancing on MY SHOULDERS who can only do so much.
And I broke.
I just couldn't deal anymore.
So ... he gets uphappy and starts to talk to his ex wife about how I'm a lazy slob who does nothing. (Not to mention my CFS was and is in FULL SWING and pain ensued in every movement.) .... so they start bonding again over my being an evil wife - not taking care of him - or whatever was said. I don't know and I'm just projecting because he got smart and deleted things. He did say that they start reminiscing about how they never stopped loving each other and how their families were the cause of their separation. How they were basically married for ten years, even though they were only physically together less than one, and how she finally contacted him in 2004 to get a divorce because she wanted to marry someone else. How they probably never should have done that, and maybe they should give it another shot. He clearly wasn't happy with me - so through their reminiscing about how they never should have split up - how they have deep love for each other - and all this .... something started between them. He says it's on him, he started it.
At least he got smart this time, and deleted the messages off Facebook knowing I had his password. But I still saw the end of a conversation one day ..... she said .... "You too Sweetheart I love you"
He was gone when I saw this.
When he got home.... I made a few comments. I was shaking so bad. He knew I saw it. I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said he didn't know. In that moment, my whole world SHATTERED.
I was an idiot. I saw then that I had given up on things - on us, on being a better person, on just doing what needed to be done because I get frustrated that I'm expected to be the only one doing it.... I gave up. It's like everything instantly shattered and I was rushed with all this stuff I had been ignoring or not seeing. And I have been working on fixing them, fixing myself, finding the strength to get up and do things every day other than wallow in my pain. But nothing has seemed to change on anyone else's parts so I'm still left frustrated when it comes to cleaning. And I still cannot cook.
Regardless, our true issue wasn't THAT, it was NONE of that. It was communication. I thought we had good communication, always thought we talked to each other. But in reality I had good communication for the most part, and he just kept things in. Typical guy. He'd listen to me and nod - apparently absently .... I wouldn't tell him certain things that upset me because why would I want to burden him with that when he couldn't do a damn thing to fix it until his medical issues were better? It's my deal - not his. But I always thought we talked a lot.
Instead, reality - he would hold things in that bothered him. When I asked him what his issues were with me, it stemmed around cleaning, working on genealogy so much, turning the radio station in the car when he's driving, with saying I'm always right - all the time - with little pet peeve stuff like that. PET PEEVE STUFF. This is what's going to break up our marriage??? Little shit like this????
So because he doesn't feel he can express these things to me - he blows up at me one time, doesn't like my answer (because I don't process things when people are yelling at me anyway, I get snotty and sarcastic) ... he decides it's a good time to go vent to his ex wife whom he's been carrying a torch for - for who knows how long.
But - I have to say here - I AM always right, almost always right. He just doesn't like me rubbing it in his face all the time. Okay, he's right sometimes too, but mostly it's me. Lately not so much, thanks to my CFS apparently my brain is going to shipcabibbles.
So ..... I catch him, he tells me it was basically a 15 minute discussion over a couple of days of reminiscing and bringing up old nostalgic feelings.... swearing to me it's nothing to worry about - anymore - but when I asked him if would unfriend her on facebook and not talk to her, he told me no. He would get completely and utterly defensive and tell me how she was such an important person in his life, how he doesn't have any friends, and how he needs that friendship.
Again, I'm not that person who has to control their husbands. I won't insist, I will tell them how I feel, but they have to make the choice. It has to be their choice. I don't want it coming back later on down the road with resentment over how controlling I am. Free-will. So I would listen to him, I would try to understand his point, but I was never comfortable, and every time I brought her up, we'd argue. Every time her name was said.
I can't make him not talk to her. Even if I sat there and unfriended her on his behalf and all that - the trust is gone, and he'll find another, sneaky way, to talk to her.
Which is EXACTLY what he did anyway.
I tried to let it go - but - he told her HE LOVED HER.... and I just couldn't deal with that. NO - there was no sex, she's in Texas he's in WA ....
He told me he called her to let her know he was going to work on things with me...... I blew up. First - why would you call her when you know I have issues with you even TYPING to her? He says "Would you want a text message breaking up with you? I wanted to call her and at least give her that decency." WHY THE EFF would you need to "break up with her" if NOTHING WAS GOING ON???? He said "sorry bad choice of words"
I call bullshit.
I kept asking him what he wanted. Kept asking him if he wanted our marriage to work or not. My shit could get fixed, but his .... not so sure. Not after this step.
I'm infuriated, I'm so hurt that I feel utterly broken. Unfixably broken. I know at this point, if things end for us, I'm not getting married again. I'm not. Marriage is forever in my eyes, in my heart, and neither of my marriages could last past ten years. I want that 40 or 50 year anniversary. I want that! I'll never get it ...
Never mind the fact that I'm not even 100% sure I want to stay in this marriage at this moment. This is his M.O. He gets unhappy and he starts cyber flirting having relationships with other people on the internet. I can't even deal with that. It's still cheating.
I cannot deal with this betrayal over and over and over again.
If I didn't love him as much as I do, I would be gone. Or he would be kicked out.
He keeps saying stuff like "I've been homeless before, it's not a big deal."
:::: smacks head ::::
I don't care if he's been homeless before, I wouldn't do that to him. We'd just have to be civil and live like room mates until he found a place.
So we - for several weeks, talk and talk and have discussions, fight and argue and try to work things out.
I need to know details. I know some people would say - well I don't want to know. I do. I have to. I have to be able to see the story in my head, the why - the what happened... it's just always been who I am. It's the writer in me, the reader in me, I need to the details in order to process and if things don't make sense, I keep at it until I get those missing puzzle pieces that finally fall into place. Then when everything actually clicks .... THEN I can process things. THEN I can start to work through things. THEN I can figure out what I need to do for me, what's best for my family, for my kids... But everytime I pushed for details, he would just say "It was a 15 minute conversation!" When I said "you told me it was three days" he said "We didn't talk all the time, it was a total of about 15 minutes!'
For weeks, we were "working on things" ... He told me he was "ALL IN" on us and wanted to work on things, we were making it a point to spend more time together, to cuddle, to talk a lot, I was expressing my feelings, I was trying to get him to talk ...
I told him not to tell me he loved me unless he meant it. Because he kept telling me he didn't know if he still loved me. We're working on things, fine.... I know I love you, but I don't want to hear "I love you" if you don't mean it. Don't say it unless you mean it. REALLY MEAN IT. He said it out of habit one night, and he didn't stop. I knew he said it out of habit. I didn't call him out on not stopping. Truthfully, I needed to hear it a lot more than I thought I did. I thought I could deal with not hearing it. Not hearing it sucks.
Still there were things popping up on her profile (which I unfriended her, however I would totally torture myself with going on HIS facebook - to check up on him - and I'd go to her profile.) .... I would see these things (screen captioned)
(see she wrote "Lovable" at the top)
And I would tell him she's posting stuff for you on her profile - if it was "nothing" and it was a fleeting moment, WHY is she posting this stuff on her profile for you?
His response - "How do you know they are for me?"
Cuz I just DO - is not an appropriate answer. So I had to admit, "I don't, but it sure does feel that way."
or he'd say .... "I can't control what other people do."
Then there were these ....
"Amen to this"
"So don't belittle yourself and make yourself look stupid catering and being needy to him. Trust>"
Then there was this...
March 13th .... I wrote this:
The other thing is people who like EVERYTHING someone posts. I have one friend - doesn’t bother me one bit that she likes everything I post because it’s her way of saying she saw it. I get it. She’s one of my best friends. But she doesn’t like EVERY SINGLE THING. She just likes most things….
DB and I have been going through a rough patch in our relationship… in our marriage. I gave up on some stuff, felt overwhelmed and just couldn't handle it. He is not in the position to help me, I can’t turn to him for help right now because he is broke. His back is broken. He sees the back surgery next week and hopefully we can get the back surgery under way so that things CAN get better. This is the explanation for a lot of the questionable health concerns he’s had over the years that we’ve been together. His losing the ability to walk, all of that….
Well, DB and his ex wife had a moment during this patch of unhappiness. He needed someone to vent to and old feelings came up …. he said something that he says he regrets, now. He says he’s all in with us.
I am not the type of person to tell someone what to do, who to be friends with, and that they can’t talk to someone. Yes, I believe there is loyalty. However, I don’t believe telling a man that he cannot talk to someone is any way save a marriage. Sure, I see daggers when I see her name, but it has to be HIS choice not to talk to someone - and he’s not comfortable making that choice. So ………. be it. I suppose.
Because… I believe that no matter if I tell him not to do something, talk to someone, whatever - he’ll find a way to do it regardless, even if it’s lying to me and behind my back.
And I’m trying to build trust, so I don’t want him in that position where he feels he has to lie to me.
Communication is open, better than ever - I hope - because we both realized that communication had to improve and he now knows how he has to approach me with things or me to hear him. Don’t yell at me. Period…
So ….. I have to put some trust in him… and he has to show me he is trustworthy.
But that’s not what all this was about.
This is about people who LIKE every single effing thing you post on Facebook.
Like the stuff you like……. if you like everything, you are trying too hard.
If you are the spouse or significant other … or even a best friend, I think it’s different. But if you are not one of those three things, if you don't even TALK to this person (supposedly) …….. which, honey - you are NOT any of those things…….. there is no reason to go and like everything someone posts.
So there are two girls who are doing this on his profile. And one of them, is this ex wife….. the other some chick from his childhood who probably had a mad crush on him and has one on him now. Whatevah… he sleeps with me at night. This is one girl.... the other.....
So ……… it irks me that she (his ex) likes everything. She has posted a few things on her profile that give me the distinct impression that when (if) he called her up to tell her that he was going to be working things out with me and they could only be friends - to which (he says) she said “good luck” then wanted to know if my unfriending her on facebook meant I was bad mouthing her, he said “No, she’s more classy than that.” Which I’m not bad mouthing her, and wasn’t - but I just need to get this off my chest. Anyway - when he called her up and said “friends” she was all like “sure” but secretly is still dropping hints that she wants him. Again … whatever, he sleeps with me at night.
It’s not like I’m calling her a stupid home wrecking bitch. Cuz only whores are friends with someone’s wife and continues to try to get her man… man willing or not. Someone who knows someone is married and hitting a rough patch - and is “friends” with the wife … should probably go more about the ….. “you should work things out with your wife” route than dropping your virtual panties. Course that’s just me….
Oops, did I say that?
Anyway ……. she has spent a lot of time liking EVERY SINGLE THING HE POSTS. To the point where I don’t even want to click on the stuff he posts because I don’t want to see her name near mine. Or her name at all.
So tonight, even DB admitted liking everything someone posts is “Stalkerish” …….. I was like, YOU THINK?
I mean, how can someone like EVERYTHING you post EVERY SINGLE DAY … ALL DAY LONG????
You A: either have to be on ALL DAY LONG or B: go to someone’s profile and creep!?
EVEN I DON’T LIKE everything he posts. And I have everything go through notifications to my phone.
It’s just fucking bizarre. He has two stalkers……..
Luckily I have gotten to the point where I just don’t care anymore. It’s either I let my jealousy get to me because of nostalgic feelings clouding his judgement for a minute of his life, or I try to trust my husband. Could it bite me in the ass? Sure… but at least I’m trying to make my marriage work. I don’t have an issue being alone. I can be a single mom. …. but I do love him, I want him by my side. He has to choose to be there. I’m not going to be a jealous bitch making an ultimatum when that would likely push him away … but I’m not going to be walked all over either.
Anyway ……….. that’s my vent.
Every time I would see her name I would want to kill someone. Seriously. MURDER. REDRUM. I expressed this to him, and eventually he told me "I called her and asked her to stop liking everything" ... again ... with the call - why not just say something on Facebook? That's better than you CALLING her. What else did you talk about? "Nothing" ... yeah, bullshit.
March 19th I wrote:
I just have to say ....
I think that women, who go after married men are a special breed. I’m not talking the guys who are getting a divorce - for real - that’s acceptable, things are ending - whatev ….for the guy who says he’s getting a divorce and isn’t, that’s on him….. but I’m talking woman who know that these guys are married. I think that women who go after married men when they are “FRIENDS” with the wife and know that either A: the guy is not talking to the wife about his problems or B: just don’t care…., are a more special breed. This kind needs to be punched in the face, repeatedly ….
I was making it pretty clear that DB and I were working on things. I was tagging him in sappy stuff and posting things on his Facebook - talking about how we were watching a movie and cuddling ... or talking and cuddling - whatever.
However, DB wasn't really reciprocating ... I mean, I know that guys don't normally get sappy and all that - especially on Facebook. But it's annoying. Because I felt like I wasn't seeing the whole picture.
And I wasn't.
At the end of March I had a seizure. Stress, that's my guess. On top of my health issues. Or maybe my health issues getting worse with the stress...
In the beginning of April - DB and I had a major blow up. We had been fighting off and on for the past month, but this was the moment where - in this argument - I knew my marriage was over. OVER. I couldn't deal with this anymore. I said something - that made him completely irate. It wasn't my intention - it was me just trying to work on things, ask questions, get those puzzle pieces in place. She had liked something on his facebook after not liking stuff for a long time because "he asked her to respect me", and just seeing her name on facebook was like rubbing my face in it. Instantly snapping me back into that place of hurt and betrayal.
He stormed off into the kitchen as I sat in the bedroom. After awhile I went out there. He was still pissed, but he put down his phone and he looked at me. I asked him what he was doing, he said - talking to her ... I said - really? After all this and you are still turning to her. He yells at me - she's on YOUR side, she's telling me to stay with you.
So instead of re-hashing it all .... in that moment, in that fight, he was crying - we were talking of how we were going to split .. he kept talking about how he would just leave, I told him he wasn't going anywhere, we were going to just have to live like room mates until after he had his back fixed. Most important thing was getting his back FIXED. I wasn't going to let him go anywhere until he could be functional. And he didn't need to start the process ALL OVER AGAIN somewhere else.
Suddenly he burst into tears, like ugly cry ... snot flowing, water streaming, the whole nine yards. In that moment, something actually clicked for him. I saw it, and it was kinda staggering. Suddenly he realized that I wasn't going to go anywhere, and I never was. I wasn't going to kick him out the door the first chance (or eighth chance) I got. Just because we were over, didn't mean I was going to treat him like the shit I just stepped in.
That's what he was expecting. Me to just turn my back.
He immediately started to communicate with me. We had a long hard heart to heart that night. I asked to see his phone, he asked me to wait until the morning because he just wanted to enjoy that night with me, and I could get mad at him in the morning. We talked a lot - a long time... about a lot of things.
I woke up the next morning and grabbed his phone (he had a password lock on it, and I had finally watched him do it long enough where I figured it out and remembered) ... and I looked at his messages, his facebook, nothing. So I went in the bedroom, and I asked him to show me where he had been talking to her because I didn't see anything. So he pulls up Google Plus.
I thought ..... fuck..... I didn't even think of that.
So I read their messages. There really weren't a lot. But they had been through the past month. Stuff like...
I'm not happy with her
I'm not leaving for just you - you are an added bonus
He told her he was going to leave on the 1st (of April) and then later, he said his Dad couldn't come up with the money to get him down there. That it was going to cost $300. She said I thought your dad said you could sleep on the couch and he followed up with "yeah he did but he doesn't have the money" So he was planning on leaving and going to North Carolina....not to her in Texas.....and he didn't bring this up to me
At one time.... he had said "Maybe I should just take a break and go see my folks" to which I told him, if he did that, he wouldn't be coming back. Not that I wouldn't allow him back, but I knew if he left to go see his folks, at that point, he wouldn't come back.
The WHOLE TIME he was telling me he was working on us, he wasn't really. He still had her in his back pocket. At one point we had been cuddling and - he had started doing something on his phone. I was *trying* to trust him so I wasn't being a snoop. Turns out, he was messaging HER while CUDDLING with me. She messaged him and said something like ... "how are you" and he said "can't talk at the moment" and she said "why? cuddling?" he said "yes, gotta keep her happy" or something like that. So then she replied, "those are MY cuddles" ... she was jealous. And she KNEW KNEW KNEW that at least I was unaware that they were still going on ....he said something about me fighting for the marriage and that he has never been happy with me....
NEVER BEEN HAPPY WITH ME.....
wow, if that doesn't deeply embed into your mental "You SUCK" file and stick with you ....
So anyway - she brought up HER CUDDLES several times "Save some cuddles for me"... and he had some dream about her - said "I had a good time with you in my dreams last night" .... Fucker.
Then ... back up to where I walked into the kitchen and he put the phone down and said he was talking to her, that she was on my side, and then something snapped in him.....
He said something and she said "You should stay with her" and he said something and she said "You should stay with your family and your boys"
Where she had been telling him to stay with me, it was CLEAR - at least to me - that she was only saying that because she was fed up with him not leaving me. She was saying that - in hopes, that he would pick her. It wasn't that she was supporting me, or not wanting him, it was that she was mad in that moment. Mad that he was still here, still dealing with my bullshit ... and not leaving, FOR HER. She was saying that so he would say, "But I don't want her, I want you."
So later - after his moment of clarity .... he messaged her.... so then he said something to her like .... "I had a break down (only auto correct changed it to breast down) and have clarity, I do love her and I'm staying with her" and she said "oh"
I guess when he had (at least considered) leaving on April 1st and go to North Carolina with his family. She put stipulations on him, like - she wasn't going to be with him until his back was fixed. This boggles my mind. If you love someone - you don't put stipulations on them. If you want them fixed, you don't encourage them to leave someplace where they are already under the care of some DRs and in the process OF getting fixed, to go somewhere to start all over again .... and it sounded like she had made some comments about him raising her kids? I understand step-parenting - but this sounded a bit more than step-parenting.
There was a lot of stuff there, he had been talking to her while we were in the hospital with Nathan's surgery. There was a lot going on. Even though deep down, this didn't surprise me, it still shocked me to the core. And it completely tore me apart.
So later on, while we were talking - working things out - trying to have a good night ... she messaged him her typical message when she wants to talk to him. She sent a "how are you? I'm fine. Thanks" ... who does that? Who says - "I'm fine thanks" when not even asked. Wanting to skip the formality? It just seems ODD to me.... anyway ....
I was irate at this point, I was pissed, I had been lied to ... I didn't know what to do or think. I love this man, he broke my heart and I feel like a dummy for not just getting up and leaving.
But I had to have a word. So I sent her the following message (something like this anyway.)
He showed me everything. This is Nissa by the way. Aren't you happy that the actions that you two did has come to the point now where in order to save his marriage he can no longer have contact with you? You owe me an apology! I thought we had started to have a friendship before all this happened and you just went and jumped into some internet fling with a married man KNOWING that I wasn't fully aware of what was going on because YOU SAW the stuff I have been posting on his facebook. My opinion of you is that you are the lowest end of the barrel - not that you care. All communication is now done with you (his choice) and if for some reason he DOES contact you again, feel free to copy and paste it in a facebook message to me and let me know so I know my marriage is over. As for you - you can just say goodbye.
Before he deleted all her contacts and blocked her on everything .... he sent her this....
"Goodbye Steph - I hope you find everything you are looking for"
The following week we had a lot of deep conversations. He stopped defending her almost immediately - and because he stopped defending her every time her name got brought up - I realized it WAS over between them. He actually offered and did delete all her contacts, he unfriended and completely blocked her... and he gave me all his passwords to everything...somewhat unhappily. But he did.
Regardless, the trust is broken. I'm in a place now, where I have to let it rebuild and he has to give me reason to trust him.
He also agreed to marriage counseling. When I had suggested it when he was still talking to her, he gave me a "let me think about it" line of crap.
I did realize something through this whole thing. This is his M.O. Instead of talking to me, when he has issues with me - when something is bothering him - when he has a valid complaint that he's afraid to bring to me because it might hurt my feelings.... or I might get angry .... he would rather turn to some other person, some female person. Usually he vents to an ex. Why does he do this? Why can't he just talk to ME?
I have asked him repeatedly NOT to vent about me to an EX. It's not the appropriate person to vent about your current wife with someone who used to love you, whom you used to be intimate with, whom probably still is carrying a torch for you. THAT is not the person to vent about your marriage to, because they will turn around, or you'll turn around, and start rehashing old feelings. It's wrong. It's a bad situation waiting to happen.
But it doesn't seem to matter. He needs friends, and he doesn't seem to make the effort to make any. Or doesn't seem to be able to make them. He says he needs friends, and he doesn't realize he HAS friends... but he does not have one person who is there for him all the time. He doesn't have that one person who will always drop anything to be there for him because he needs someone - other - than - me.
He says he can't talk to me about some stuff, which is true. Sometimes you just need to go on a "I effing HATE my spouse" rant, even though you don't... even though you don't mean half of it, but you are mad and just need to purge some feelings. Once they are out .... and you release that emotion, things are better and you can see clearer, but you don't want to say that stuff TO that person because.... feelings will be hurt and what is said cannot be unsaid.
I GET ALL OF THAT. I get it.
But .... on the flip side, if you are telling someone that you are planning on leaving your wife and family, if you are telling someone else "I love you" and you haven't even told your spouse there are issues in your marriage, and I don't mean screaming matches, I mean sitting down and talking and saying "Hey, I'm not happy...." .... then that's on you. You should tell your spouse.
He gets now that he has to communicate with me. I told him to find friends. I can't find friends for him. I told him that I can't do this again. I told him if he does something like this again, I'm not staying. If after this last time, and all the soul searching he's done, if he can't be faithful to me and not give me the bullshit "humans aren't made to be monogamous, cavemen ...." bullshit .... then I'm done. He likes to argue that men are made to spread their seed, to populate the Earth ... yeah will, we've EVOLVED. He watches shows like "Sister Wives" with me and says "I couldn't do that, I can barely handle you let alone multiple wives" ...
So I don't get it. I don't. But in a way I do.
Looking back at how he grew up ..... no disrespect to his family .... but he felt alone most of the time. He felt like no one cared about him. He took care of himself, started cooking for his family at the age of 5.. he remembers cooking on the stove at 3. Can you imagine your 3 year old COOKING SOMETHING ALONE on the stove??? I can't ... he was molested, by family, he was neglected, and he had poor role models .... he says that his parents didn't sleep in the same room. They fought all the time. He says that they they would cheat on each other just to make the other one miserable when they fought. That they would "fight dirty" and try to one up the each other with another below the belt hurtful jab. That was his example of marriage.
Not exactly the type of "example" I want to set for my kids.
But that's exactly what he's doing to me.
So no, he's a Gypsy - always looking for the next best place to be. I have known this about him. But I didn't see this pattern until now. I didn't see the connection to the examples he had set for him, continuing with him and me, until now. It's time for him to buck up, and realize that he can't do this. I can't deal with this. It makes me bat shit crazy. BAT SHIT CRAZY! I don't need to be bat shit crazy I got enough going on.
Through it all - I keep remembering this vision of us older, at a cabin, rocking on wooden rocking chairs on a porch ... watching our grandkids play with our dogs.... and it kills me to think this might never happen.
Through it all - I remember why I fell in love with him. I remember how much I love this man. Despite all the crap he puts me through sometimes, but I know I put him through crap too ....
I keep seeing the father he is with our kids.... and know, they need that. Regardless of if we stay together or not, he has to be there for his kids. All four of them, not just the two he gave up sperm to produce.
I couldn't stand the thought of losing my best friend. And that was taken from me... 7 years in ... and it was just ripped away from me. Both of my best friends. One was so mad at him, the only thing she wanted for me was to leave - kick him out - and be done with him because he's never going to change. And she's probably right. But I needed support. I needed comfort. All I was getting was jab after jab from her, bomb after bomb breaking my heart more, when I just needed some comfort and a safe place to talk. I knew she meant well. I know she means well because she loves me. We're like sisters. But I already knew everything she was saying. And she seemed soooooooo mad at me for not leaving, and I couldn't explain well enough why I wasn't just throwing my marriage away. So I felt like I was losing her, and losing him. And I tell him EVERYTHING. He obviously doesn't tell me everything. I don't feel like HIS best friend anymore, even though that's what he says.
I knew I had to give this a shot. I could see him being honest, finally. I could see that something HAD changed. I no longer had gut feelings of him and her in contact.
However, now I question everything. I feel like I have to look over his shoulder, I feel like if he pops off a web page or puts down the phone when I walk in the room that he's hiding something. I have dreams where I watch him cheat on me (although I haven't for awhile) ....
I hope we can fix things. I know that he's realized things - himself. Had clarity in why he does what he does sometimes. Understanding the whys is the only way to fix it later on down the road, to realize your behaviors, catch them when it starts happening and changing the course.
I realize that we've fallen into this .... habit of what we have done before, what we would do before, and I brought it up (a month after all this blew up) ... and said "I miss our deep conversations..." and he said something to me that blew my mind. I asked him something like "are you ever going to do that to me again" and he said "I hope not, I don't want to." and then he followed up with ... "I have never allowed myself to trust anyone before and now I trust you"
It was like ........ woooooooow...
So we go through the motions. But realistically - we just fell back into the parenting pattern putting us on the back burner. I'd try to do things, but he only seemed half interested.
Then there is the day my heart exploded. We'd been fighting. I went on his facebook and - recall he had BLOCKED the bitch - and I - for whatever reason - thought to check his blocked contacts on facebook and ............ no one was blocked. He wasn't friends with her anymore, but ...... she ..... wasn't....... blocked.
So I lost it. "WHY THE HELL DID YOU UNBLOCK HER????"
And his response? "I wanted to see how long it would take you to notice."
Are you KIDDING me?????
So - days of fighting. Then we were sitting there - in the living room. And he said these words to me.
"I just don't love you anymore"
Everything I had thought we built, everything I thought we had, everything I thought we were working towards, going to do together - it all just BLEW THE FUCK UP ....... Nuclear style.
Shock. Anger. Heartbreak.
And I was talking calmly to him.
He decided it would be best for him to leave.
All I asked was for him to contact me every once in awhile so that I knew he was okay.
Suicide was a real worry for me with him.
So he did. "Just letting you know I'm okay" ... all I would respond was "thanks for letting me know."
He ended up spending the night at a mutual friend's house. (probably more his friend than mine.)
I was messaging him pictures and posting videos because we had the Boyscout Halloween Party that night. Although I didn't WANT to go. I went. We'd all been looking forward to it. Including DB. And it was the first time the kids were in their costumes.
He kept thanking me for sending them, and posting videos, and said he missed them and various other appropriate fatherly things.
Then he asked me if he could stop by the following morning because he forgot his wallet and stuff.
I said it was fine.
He complained about it there.
I said "are you wanting to stay here and sleep on the couch?"
He was like "would that be okay? I miss the kids."
I knew that I couldn't afford to pay the bills myself. I knew I couldn't do the parenting on my own right now, with how sick I am, and I couldn't take the kids Dad away from them - he is still here - still their dad - and I still wanted him to be their dad.
But I was soooooooooo hurt and so angry.
And when he came back, things were soooooo awkward.
He said "can we please be friends?" and various other stuff.
I was heartbroken. So so heartbroken. Angry. Everything.
After a few days of him sleeping on the couch, and him sitting there calling me "honey" or "babe" on *accident* .... every once in awhile he'd say "I love you" and apologize for *slipping* ....
However, I never did. Never called him by pet names, never said I love you. He made a comment at one point - "I don't know how you can just turn it off like that" .... it wasn't that I was turning it off, it was self preservation. Equally, I couldn't understand how or why he was still doing it when it wasn't even his truth, unless he was telling me that for other reasons and not because he truly didn't love me.
Slowly - started going back into the whole..... sleeping in my bed, kissing, being together in the marital way ... Oh we're friends with benefits .... we're married but we're allowed to have online relationships .... we're married and working on it .......
I have to say, I felt like one of those stupid women who just let the shit stained garbage come back, but I knew that wasn't the case.
He didn't weasel his way back - we had in depth conversations - we set rules, boundaries, and we were communicating.
So one day - I looked at his Facebook on his phone, because he changed his password .... but it was always up on his phone.
I saw the conversation he had with the evil bitch ... saw a conversation wishing his friend a happy birthday. A friend I knew he had sex with. Found out reading his messages one day - they were flirting a bit - making comments about their past and the night in the Quarry under the stars and how they rocked each other's worlds. She acted like she was "open" to having that happen "again" any time he was willing. But that was back when he was talking to the evil bitch too - earlier in the year. This he had wished her a happy birthday and too bad he could't give her a "big gift" <evil grin> .... I actually laughed at that. She was like "any time - we'll have to see if we can get together sometime to catch up" ...... I mean (rolling eyes) .... whore much? But still - that didn't bug me.
And I had only read the END of the conversation with the evil bitch where he asked her to lay off commenting and liking stuff on his facebook. Told her it was just politics.
Cuz well... my best friend made the mistake of telling me how PISSED she was getting that she (the evil bitch) was all over his facebook again. So I had to go look. Saw her liking everything again, being a fucking stalker again, making condescending comments that were "disguised" as something else ... and even though I laughed it off, and I tried to not let it bother me....... when things started falling back into the "we're staying together" area ..... I had the worst emotional break ever.
I was a mess, screaming, yelling, throwing things, bawling my eyes out to the point I couldn't breath - I was angry and scared and I just wanted him to fucking pick ME for once and I was coming to terms that THAT would never happen. Ever.
And it scared him. Maybe made him realize just how deep and horrible the whole thing had hurt me. And he realized, like an idiot, the one thing he was trying to do - wasn't going to happen.
He tells me - I just don't want to hurt you anymore.
He told me he didn't love me, for the "greater good" ....... so he could just stop hurting me. Cuz he wasn't sure it would ever stop.
Well, that's why he told her that.
And I let him know I saw it - I laughed about the birthday messenger to his friend... told him I saw that the last time he messaged the evil bitch was about the time where "we got back together."
But then a few nights later, I had to read it all. ALL of it.
And I did.
Including the picture of her boobs she sent him. Nothing like seeing the boobs of your husband's ex!
The one thing they have in common is talking about the Walking Dead (tv show) ... I don't watch it. I don't like it. It's not my thing. Apparently there is some "Walking Dead" group on Facebook where it's more than a "Walking Dead" forum, it's a flirting, cyber sex, showing nude pictures, etc - forum ... with occasional Walking Dead talk. They were talking about different girls and if he liked them. He would sit there and make comments about sex like "I could really use a blow job right now" and when she didn't respond or didn't respond positively or just laughed... he'd back up and say "I was only kidding." No he wasn't. I know him. But I can't be mad - we were split up - planning on divorcing. He did stop talking to her when he decided he didn't want to go anywhere.
However ..... if you aren't talking to her, why are you still friends with her? What is the point?
I told him he could flirt - as long as it wasn't more than flirting and there wasn't any "I love yous" and such like that ..... but he could NOT flirt with her.
He said "I just want to talk to her about the Walking Dead" ...... and I brought up the forum. It just grosses me out.
Plus, he isn't even remotely caught up to the current episodes of The Walking Dead.
But that's not everything.
No not at all. The chick he had become "FRIENDS" with at work, he admitted to having a CRUSH on. (this is the day he told me he didn't love me) .... The one I was never comfortable with. I told him - go to work, make friends - but I am going to be female weary and I would prefer you to make friends with GUYS. .....
........ so he makes friends with a girl.
Because she has a special needs child and they bonded over that. Plus she's safe, she's married.
So he's trying to become friends with her AND her husband.
Oh but then.... they are getting a divorce. And she's dating. And she's texting him all the time, and calling him, and talking to him about all these guys - and how she is going to screw it to her soon-to-be ex-husband.... and he's acting JEALOUS. He's acting JEALOUS she's got all "these guys knocking down her door."
He went out for "beers" with his friend and he messaged her and said "Wish you could come hang out with us" but yet he had never asked if I wanted to come along. And I knew it was more... this is why we started fighting the few days before he told me he didn't love me anymore.
And I knew it was something more. I called him out on being jealous - he denied it .....
So the day that he told me he didn't love me, he admitted he had a crush on her. No wait, he admitted that a couple days before. But that day - I was like "She's not even your TYPE" ... he likes bigger girls, with pretty dark hair, not twigs that are fucking butt ass ugly .... and he goes "but she's BEAUTIFUL" and I staggered back. I literally LOST MY FOOTING. Shocked. It was the way he said it. I will never forget it. Ever. It's burned in my brain. She's NOT beautiful. I thought I was beautiful. I guess I'm not. I guess I don't know him at all ........
he was JEALOUS .......
so ....... the first thing he did when he left was he called her to come and get him, and she took him to coffee. He said spending time with her out like that, he realized he REALLY didn't like her and that her daughter is an effin brat.
The other thing he did right away was contact the evil bitch to boost that he had FINALLY told me he didn't love me and ended things.
It's really telling.
So when he realized he wasn't going to get with the "friend" and that the evil ex bitch wasn't responding the way he hoped ....... he was coming back to me telling me he wanted to work on things?
What the hell. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL.
I believe him when he's with me. I believe him when he's looking me in the eyes telling me I'm beautiful and that he does love me and he's sorry he ever did the things he did and he's going to work on his issues.
I believe him.
So that makes me the stupid wife right? I don't get jewelry - but I get words that I need and want to hear so desperately ....
Because I'm insecure. But I'm not as insecure as I used to be. And my eyes are open. And one of these days, we're going to have to have a come to Jesus talk. But I have some stuff I have to figure out first. I need to try to figure out what is going on .... and if he is even being honest.
Cuz ...... I'm just a little confused.
