Infertility .... my journey to my children

Since joining ICLW ... I have stumbled back into the world of infertility and how much it hurts. Reading so many of these blogs (your blogs) has drawn me back into a world I gladly left - and made me realize, you can never truly leave since it will always be a part of you.

Most of the women who signed up for ICLW are Infertility Survivors of some sort. Those who suffered and graduated to 10 toes (or 20 in some cases, maybe more)... those who suffer still, struggling to find the why's in the abyss of sorrow that envelopes them, some who have given up, some who have moved on to other options like adoption, etc.

I can relate to these women on so many levels. I feel like my struggle is minor compared to so many of those I am reading, but it doesn't lesson my experience with IF (infertility) any. My ex husband and I met, we both knew we wanted a family, we got engaged and we started trying. I wanted nothing more in the world then to be a mom. I was ready for it, at the time I thought he was, but he really wasn't. I was 18 when I got pregnant. Old enough to know better, dumb enough not to care. I was naive and thought - you have sex you get pregnant. Nothing wrong could happen. I got pregnant and then was heartbroken when I started to bleed horribly and pass clots and cramping like I had never cramped before, curled up into a ball, crying. I knew then, it was the end. I had lost my baby. But the following month I still had pregnancy symptoms, I went in thinking something had been wrong during the m/c and I would end up having to have a D&C. Then I got the news that floored me. I was still pregnant, it had been twins. I had lost one of my babies, but inside me - another was still thriving. A month before our wedding I started to cramp very badly and it scared me to the point where I called my mom. She brought me some 7-up in the middle of the night and sat with me for awhile until my (at the time) fiance got home. The day before we were married - I had an OB appointment, and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time at 12 weeks. It was a miracle. The following night, after the wedding - I started getting sick and got to enjoy 4 weeks of the worst morning all day sickness you could have. I felt like I couldn't even leave the bathroom let alone the house. Every day all day long and it felt like it would never stop. But then it did. I got to enjoy my bump as it formed and I was in heaven. I was having a baby. I had pregnancy induced hypertension and was border-lined Pre-eclampsic. He was due Christmas Day but not knowing he was a boy, I was threating to cut off his third leg if he was indeed a boy - so I would have been stubborn and stayed in too! However, my water started leaking in the beginning of December and by January 4th they decided that they were going to run another ultrasound to make sure all was okay and found out that all the water had basically leaked out - so they sent me into the hospital ASAP ... they never did give me pitocin because I had started labor right away. Now, long birth story short, at 7:56am January 5th I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

My (now ex) husband and I decided that we wanted to have another baby right away. Since Calahan had been a twin, I wanted another baby close to his age for him to grow up with. However, that wasn't going to be the case. My regular cycles I had before he was born went to irregular and sometimes not showing up at all. I went to DR after DR and had 4 more miscarriages in 5 years time. I never got any answers, I was heart broken, I didn't understand why I couldn't have another child. My family wasn't complete yet and it was driving me crazy. Every time I got pregnant I would turn around and lose it. There had to be something wrong with me. Then I went to an new DR and my tiny dark world of hopelessness and despair, the one that shrunk so small that hope was none existent and I was ready to just give up. I fully was planning on walking in there, telling him to put me on birth control or rip out my rotten uterus cuz I was done. But Dr. B (he's still my OB to this day) and I started to talk and he was asking me about this and that. To my utter shock, by the time I left the clinic I had a 2 prescriptions in my hand, one to jump start my period, the other for clomid, which seemed like a small pin prick of light at the end of my dark lonely tunnel.

I don't think anyone TRULY understands the despair a woman goes through when they feel like they are broken because they can't seem to conceive and/or carry a baby to term on their own.

1st month at 50mg was a bust, 2nd at 100mg I O'd but didn't get pg, but the 3rd cycle at 100mg -well I just when I was ready to call it quits for a lot of reasons, one being my marriage was about to take a downward spiral ... and I was just done. I was at the absolutely end of my rope.. I was scheduled to go in for a routine blood test - I hadn't even bothered taking a test at home, I had one, sitting under my sink, but I just didn't think I was. Swore I wasn't - actually. Then the PA came back with the news, "it came back positive" ... I was floored. I didn't believe it at all so I went home and a few days later, I took that HPT that was under my sink and was in utter shock when it came up with 2 dark lines.... wow... I was really pregnant


A few weeks later I went in for an early ultrasound and we saw this tiny heart beating on this itty bitty alien body that was growing inside of me.

Then things went from exciting to not so exciting. Things weren't right, every ultrasound we had, the dates were off - the estimated due date based on size was getting farther and farther away. He was due on St. Patrick's Day but by our last ultrasound right before he was born, the due date based on his size put his due date in late May/early June. I was encouraged by my OB to get an amnio after the AFP (triple-screen/quad screen) came back positive for both Downs Syndrome AND Spinia Bifida. So much to my dismay, I agreed, despite my intense fear of needles.

A few weeks later we found out the newest miracle was a boy, and he had a very rare genetic disorder called Mosaic Trisomy 16. We were referred to the genetics department and there I was told that the tiny miracle who was growing inside me wouldn't survive the pregnancy, if he did, he wouldn't survive birth - and if by some miracle he DID and didn't die shortly after birth, and we got to take him home - he would be so mentally and physically delayed "it wouldn't be worth it" and was highly suggested to interrupt the pregnancy. It actually took me a moment to realize that they were suggesting that I terminate. I said "that isn't an option." and I countered the DR with what I had found out via my research to which he stood firm on his. I said fine, but I'm not killing my baby just because he's not perfect in YOUR eyes. He's perfect in mine and I'll love him for as long as I am able to. I'll accept whatever time I have with him, if it be a minute or a lifetime.

Pregnancy progressed with complications, I was on bedrest with contractions, I was hypertensive again, and the baby had severe IUGR. But he was alive. I made my OB promise me one thing, that no matter what, he would get the baby out alive - I just wanted to hold him once - alive - if that's all I got. He promised he would do his best. At 33 weeks, I ended up in the hospital because of two new issues. I had gone full blow Pre-eclampsic and the baby was having heart decelerations. (not to mention my contractions). The decision was made and I was sent 2 hours away to a hospital with a level III NICU, and once I got there an ultrasound was done showing that the placenta was deteriorating and he had to come out. I had been given the steriod shots for his lungs already. Noah Alexander came into the world at 3:45pm on February 1st, 2002 ... at 1lb 12oz and 13 3/4 inches. He was born without a sound from ANYONE. I didn't know until after he was whisked away that he had even been born! This still haunts me to this day, it seems silly but it does. If I had lost him, I would have never gotten the one thing I had asked. All I kept thinking during the c-section was I wanted to hear him cry. He was vented and taken to the NICU and it was over 5 hours before I finally got to see him. He was the smallest thing I had ever laid my eyes on. I was so afraid to touch him, he literally had no fat on his tiny body. But he was a fighter. I told him he was a fighter. He was a miracle... my miracle. He came off the vent after about 40 house of being on it and was completely breathing on his own. He had minor issues, but nothing that needed extra medical attention other then his jaundice. He was basically labeled as a "feeder grower" ... and I was shocked. I watched him grow and he came home the day after his due date weighting only 3lbs 10oz. He's 7 now, and he's had a lot of issues he has had to over come but he's tackled a lot of them. He gets sick VERY easy and he almost died the week his brother Nathan was born in 2007. I came close to losing him, my worst fear. I can't tell you how everytime he gets sick, runs a fever over 102, and so on that my head goes to something major is wrong, and rushing him in. I have to live with the constant knowledge that at anytime, something could go wrong with any organ because we don't know how much or what is effected by his MT16.

After Noah was born and I brought him home I realized I hadn't had a cycle since he was in the NICU and went into the clinic - to my utter shock, and at that time horror, I found out I was pregnant again! I had just brought home this preemie baby what was I going to do with another one coming right away! The new baby would surely out grow Noah and by George he wasn't even newborn weight yet! I was rushed in for an early ultrasound, suppose to be about 11 weeks... but the baby had no heartbeat. I was told to give it a week and see what happened. But I knew, I knew the baby had died and then I felt so guilty about the feelings I had had. Sure enough, I lost the baby - it was the hardest miscarriage I had gone through. I was having contractions and basically "gave birth" to my child in the bathroom. I had also found out during the ultrasound that I had a dermoid cyst in my left ovary - now if you don't know what a dermoid cyst is, it is apparently an egg that decides to make a baby all on it's own and says "screw the sperm" ... they are often known to have hair and teeth and what not. Now, DR. B was going to leave it until after the baby was born, but since I had yet another miscarriage, we went ahead and removed it before it could get worse. My little "Wanna-Be-Baby" had hair and lots of it. I don't know about teeth or any of that, but I remember Dr. B asking me if I wanted pictures of it, and I said no.... well he gave me pictures anyway, and I still have them.

After 4 more miscarriages, one being while actively trying for a third with my (now ex) husband, and while I was on Clomid ... I remember I took the HPT on New Years Eve - wow what a way to bring in the year... and I went into the DR on Jan. 2nd and got my beta done... everything looked great, I was definitely pregnant... but I continued to pee on the stick every couple days because something didn't feel right... then I pee'd on my last stick, a digital that I had been saving to take photos of, I wanted to wait a few days until I knew my hCG would be high enough to turn it... so I did... and to my shock it said "not pregnant" ... ah.. what??? NOT PREGNANT??? Are you kidding?? Listen here you stupid test, I already got it confirmed! So do me a favor and don't mess with my head!! I broke open that stupid thing and I looked at the strip - there was only the control line. That's it... I called the DR in a panic and they said to relax and come in for an hCG and so I did... I got a call a few hours later saying that it was zero, and the following day I started spotting. After that miscarriage it was discussed that from that point on because my LP was showing a shortening on all my charts, that we'd go straight to progesterone with any subsequent pregnancy - but soon enough my miscarriage total was up to 10, and I was getting a divorce.... I had dated a great guy for a short time after separating from my ex-husband and ended up getting pregnant with him which ended in an early miscarriage also - bringing up to 11.

When Calahan was 10 and Noah was 4, I met Dennis online. He is my match in every way. He moved to WI from NC and we got engaged. He didn't meet the kids until after we were engaged and certain on where our relationship was going (of course things can always take a turn) ... but we also knew we wanted to have at least one baby together. Despite the issues with Noah, which I was assured was a "fluke of nature" when the egg was splitting.

My issue wasn't so much getting pregnant as it was STAYING pregnant. I had a m/c with Dennis right away too when we were in NC, I didn't have anyway to get the progesterone and by the time we got to WI, I had already lost the pregnancy.

So Dennis and I decided to start TTC (due to my past issues) in September 2006 before the wedding we were planning in October 2007. I didn't think it would happen, I gave it until the end of the year, then we were going to stop, plan our wedding and pick up TTC after the wedding. It was the end of August and my cycle had returned to a completely normal cycle after separating from my ex-husband. So I was confused and completely irritated when my cycle didn't show up when it was suppose to towards the end of August. I was absolutely pissed. My best friend kept hounding me to take a test and take a test and take a test, but I wouldn't because I wasn't pregnant. I had been away on a trip when I ovulated and I couldn't be. So just to please her, I went down to my bathroom and took a test. I looked at it after I washed my hands and nothing.... but by the time I had got to the landing - there was a line there... I mean other then the control line... and I was so shocked I couldn't move. I just stood there starring at the thing thinking "OMG" ..... shock, shock and more shock... followed by a deafening "huh?" So I went and looked at my chart (because I had started charting just after getting back from my trip) and I know I had EWCM the day I left to come home... so apparently..... my ovulation had been delayed, and I had indeed gotten pregnant during the rabbit mating sessions for the few days following my homecoming! LOL....I called the OB Dept right away and went in for an HCG count and to get my prescriptions.


I can't say that the pregnancy went without a hitch. I was miserable through a lot of it. Again the hypertension returned and I was straddling the fence of Pre-eclampsia. I was told to take it easy and was on bedrest from 16 weeks on but not STRICT bedrest. I was told any and every chance I had to be in bed, I should be - as much as possible, basically. We had an amnio at 16 weeks just to be prepared if there was going to be any repeat issues like Noah's .... and everything came back PERFECT, and we also found out it was ANOTHER boy! I cracked up laughing over that fact, but it only meant that we were going to try one more time for a girl because I wanted one - it was always my dream to have a little girl. Dennis has one from a previous relationship, but I wanted one of our own. I gave him a boy, it was time for him to step up and give me a girl - next time that was! LOL... Shortly after that my blood pressure went sky high and I ended up on blood pressure medication to help both me and the baby. I was really sick with Nathan, that's for sure.

At my 20 week ultrasound we found out that things weren't so "peachy." Dennis and I had just eloped because we didn't want any "father's rights" complications due to us not being married and decided to STILL have our dream wedding some day, but regardless... I got a phone call before the new year saying that the baby had a cyst in his brain, it was something they were going to have to monitor closely and even though I was already high risk, the baby was now too.

The Nathan came into the world at 3lbs 4oz on April 19th, 2007. He let out a cry in the OR and I cried because it is what I needed the most, just to hear him cry because Noah wasn't given the chance to... the second he cried, I couldn't help myself, it was the sweetest sound.

He's got the cyst in his brain (Dandy Walker) a cleft palate, he's got hypothyroidism (but yet doesn't gain weight) .. he has been labeled failure to thrive because he doesn't gain, and he has hearing issues because of his cleft palate...

Knowing we wanted one more and being my medical issues during pregnancy, and the fact that I was in my 30's now when things start to get a little bit more complicated and things getting complicated never was an issue for me in the past pregnancies, we figured the sooner the better. In December I knew I got pregnant, and I got a faint line on an HPT - it was going into the weekend and being it was only a faint I wanted to wait a couple more days to make sure and by the time things were said and done, I ended up having another early miscarriage on our 1st Anniversary! (Gee thanks!) After a few months with no luck, followed by the m/c, I went in and talked to Dr. B (my OB) and after some back and forth he offered to let me try a round of clomid, I talked to Dennis about it to see if he wanted to, and he said go for it, we'll give it one round and see how it goes. Well, on January 10th 2008, I found out I was pregnant. After being awoken by the SWAT team breaking into the house next door at 6am, with Dogs and guns and all sorts of men in dark dark SWAT gear... (like any good blogger, I took pictures!!) ... I went and pee'd on the stick, and sure enough - a faint line. This time I didn't "wait" I called right away and got in for an HCG and my pills.

For the first time the pregnancy went relatively well. I felt good other then the annoying morning sickness that I was plagued with - I think that was the worst part of his whole pregnancy. Again I almost immediately had pregnancy induced hypertension and I was on and off bedrest with Kaedyn but for the most part we both did great. He was measuring right on, and I had an amnio with him also, at 16 weeks. At 17 weeks Dennis went in for the big "V" and at 18 weeks, just in time for Nathan's 1st birthday, I found out that the last chance for a girl, was indeed a VERY HEALTHY BABY BOY!... I got off the phone with Dr. B who had called to tell me the results himself ... because I had been in his office pissed off earlier because the results weren't back yet and it normally took 10 days, not 2 weeks... we had been waiting all week for news and had gone in for my regular check up, and they hadn't gotten the results. I was mighty upset. I hate waiting on pins and needles. But he called me at home - said he had lit a fire under their rumps and found out the results they DID have, that so far everything looked great genetically and it was indeed a boy. I started crying. Not because he was a boy, per say ... but more because it was the death of the dream of my ever having a daughter. It took me a few days to get through the grief of that dream. Trust me - I was extremely grateful that genetically the baby was healthy, and I was happy he was a boy even though I didn't *seem* like it. I didn't *really* care about the gender as long as the baby was healthy, but I truly wanted just one daughter. That dream had disappeared. The 20 week ultrasound came and went and I kept asking the DR, "you are sure there is nothing wrong?" LOL... Dr. B is awesome and I cannot say enough about him. If it weren't for him, I do not believe for a second I would have 3 out of the 4 kids I have!

Things kept getting pushed back with setting a date for the c-section I was suppose to have with Kaedyn. Due to the emergency c-section I had with Noah, I didn't have a choice in types of birth from then on, I had to have a repeat c-section with Nathan, and another with Kaedyn. But since he was healthy there was a matter of pushing out his birth until his lungs were mature. So at 37 weeks we did an amnio thinking they would be mature. We sat in the hospital waiting and ready to go... but alas.... they weren't mature, and we were sent home. Going back a week later to lather, rinse and repeat... the whole process over. I cursed the contractions I had been having for most the pregnancy, why - why - why couldn't they start and be real for ONCE. I had never gone to labor completely on my own, and part of me longed for that. Even though there was no way in hell they would let me deliver vag, it would be nice to experience SOMETHING.


On September 9th, 2008, my contractions were different, I had to stop for a lot of them, but I didn't say a word. I just kept on trucking, cleaning this, cleaning that, packing this, did we get that? Is this in our car?? ::sigh:: Okay ... really? Is it time to go yet? I wasn't looking forward to getting poked for my .... um.. let's see... 6th amnio ... but I just wanted to get the baby here already! I was 38 weeks pregnant and so ready! And if they waited much longer, I had a feeling he would be coming on his own. So I got in the car, cried because I was leaving Nathan for the first time, and went to the hospital.... we got there and I had to stop in the middle of the parking lot for a contraction... Dennis was like "contraction?" and I said ... and I quote ... "No I just thought stopping in the middle of the road holding my stomach would be fun." We got in, signed in - she asked if I was having contractions, I looked at Dennis, he looked at me, I said "yes but I'm here for a c-section" .. oh okay, she says (as if dismissing my contractions) ... we get upstairs, the nurse comes in, we tell her, she hooks us up, and she says "wow you are having contractions" I was having them every 2 minutes, I had no clue I was having them that often, apparently I was only feeling the stronger ones every 10 minutes or so, but I could feel my uterus tightening with each of them once I was laying down and paying attention. Dr. B came in and started going through his shpeal about the amnio risks and what we were doing and blah blah ... and he just stops mid-sentence and says "you really are having contractions aren't you?" LOL... so he changes his mind, he says "we're going to check you and if you are dilating, we don't need an amnio" ... so after a few minutes, he checks me, and sure enough, guess what...I am 3 cm dilated!! WHHHAHHHHHOOOOO... it's baby time!!

Trust me when I say that I was sooooo excited that I had gone into labor on my own!! It just tickles me, it really does... for once, not that I could do anything about it, my body actually did something without a poke in the right direction or being forced to stop or whatever.

Everything became a rush, because apparently my labor is progressing quickly considering that I really hadn't been feeling them and was already a 3 ... you know what they say about each baby, labor is suppose to get shorter, even though I didn't labor for the other two, this one probably wouldn't have taken long if given the chance to progress, however, because of the 2 previous c-sections, they weren't going to take the chance... the contractions felt just like every other one I had been having for most the pregnancy, only a little bit different (can't explain it) ... anyway - with in a little while, I was in the OR and getting the spinal ... and laying down, Dennis came in ... everyone was joking around... this was the first baby that DR. B helped me conceive that he got to deliver. Which is why I chose this picture of the freshly born Kaedyn... Dr. B is there - holding him up for me to see. He was a pissed little baby. Started crying before they even had his head fully out of my belly, much less any of the rest of him. Can you imagine what I get to tell him later in life? "Your first cry happened as soon as your head hit the air, the rest of you was still in mommy..." ... then as soon as the rest of him was pulled free from the only home he had known, he promptly peed on everything and every one... Dr. B said "his plumbing works!" LOL... he proceeded to pee on everyone and everything three more times before they finally got wise and diapered his behind! LOL... got some good workin kidneys he does he does!! He was 8lbs 3oz ... fat healthy little baby boy!!

And that was how I got my miracles. With the help of Clomid for Noah and Kaedyn, and the progesterone for Nathan and Kaedyn to keep them where they were suppose to be.

One of the blogs I stopped by had posted this video, and I had seen it before but never watched it. So I watched it, and I bawled! It brought back so many feelings I was already feeling again by going along and reading these womens' journeys and them sharing their struggles, their feelings, emotions I can relate with because once upon a time, I too felt those exact same things... I understand their fears and their hopes ... of not wanting to wish but not being able not to dream of that baby being put into their arms for the first time.

I know I'm lucky, I managed to muddle my way through infertility and come out with a blessing of 40 toes ... and trust me, I may not always sound like it, sometimes kids get the best of your sanity! LOL... but I am greatful, and blessed to have all 4 of my boys. Each one of them have taught me things. Calahan - taught me patients. He's my "test" child ... I got through all my firsts with him (or the common ones anyway) .. he was the first child to give me a medical scare where I was in tears with fear over my child and what his future outcome might be (they thought he had Leukemia when he was 2 1/2 ... bone marrow tests and all - luckily he didn't have it and was later diagnosed with a bleeding disorder, he also has ADHD)... Noah gave me hope and made a 5 year yearn come true, I watched a miracle come to life, struggle, and grow. Noah showed me what witnessing a miracle can do to you, and he continues to. He opened my eyes to the world of "special needs" ... something most people (including myself) have shy'd away from ... but now it surrounds me. It made me realize how those unique children we are given, who are not society's version of "perfect" are such inspirations and blessings to know. Each of them are wise beyond their years and have so much to teach. Nathan has taught me true laughter. He is so goofy, even with all the medical issues he has, Nathan is usually ready to give Mom and Dad a smile and make them laugh when they are down. He is the child who can lift us up and raise our spirits when we are at our lowest. It hurts us to see him suffer the way he does sometimes and we struggle with so much with him, but Nathan doesn't care... it's normal to him and he just wants to laugh and have fun. Much of what applies to Noah fits for Nathan too. Maybe that's why they are the two N's in our family. They have a bond that only they can understand. Then baby Kaedyn taught me how to finally feel complete. My family is complete. Sure part of me still longs for that pink baby but I'm slowly getting past that. Kaedyn is the spitting image of me and he keeps just laughing so much, he is our line backer comedian all mixed into one. I hate to say that Kaedyn taught me love, but he did. I love all my children the same but ... the first 3 months with Kaedyn were hell and I suddenly understood why mother's eat their young, but after several factors were solved ... and those first three months were over, and I hit the I am so amazed by you stage ... he has been the easiest baby in the world. You can't help but feel your soul soar when you look into the eyes of a face that looks identical to yours. It's amazing... they are all amazing and wonderful and I am grateful... for all 40 toes...