I want to share something I wrote in honor of NIAW ...... I've gone back and added to it ... twice now... including today.
Feelings of Infertility
© Mammarazzi13@aol.com
11/20/2003 (originally written) 07/29/07 (revised) ....(4/25/12 revised again)
People don't understand the emotions that come into play when you are trying to conceive and/or suffering from infertility....
When
you first start trying it’s all great!! You feel excited and strong.
You throw yourself into learning all the signs of fertility.. and you
are alert to everything your body is doing. You feel attractive with all
the attention you are getting from your spouse. You are optimistic,
hopeful, joyful, enthusiastic about the process. Eager for that day to
come when you turn that pregnancy test positive. The first few months
you are determined and completely untroubled. You know that things
probably wouldn’t happen the first month, so if it doesn’t happen, it’s
just all part of the process. You are still capable of moving on and
just brushing it off as part of the experience. You are sure to be
sensitive to those around you who are going through it too, and become a
source of support. You just try to stay relaxed, because you know it’s
important. Not to mention you are sure it’ll happen for you soon, and
are completely at ease with the process of conceiving. You are
completely comfortable and content sitting back and letting nature take
it’s course.
Then on top of all those feelings, after a few
unsuccessful months, the more negative feelings start creeping in. At
first you are just a little moody, and tired of the same thing month
after month. You start feeling a little discontented, and disconnecting
from some of things you love. You start to become unsure it will really
happen, and impatient for it to happen. Then you become puzzled, and
annoyed. You are torn up with everything, wondering what is wrong with
you. Then you look at your spouse and wonder what is wrong with HIM?
Mostly you just blame yourself, and feel worthless, and helpless.
You
are becoming trapped in the world of infertility and you can’t get out
until you hit rock bottom, which takes a lot longer time then anyone
realizes. It took me 5 years to hit rock bottom!
You are edgy and
upset, confused, tense, worried, and generally unhappy. You are
frustrated because it’s not happening, and frightened that it won’t. You
are embarrassed as people ask you if you have been successful, and
uncomfortable with answering. As much as you want to know why it’s not
happening, what is wrong with you and/or your spouse, you are
apprehensive to do so. You are frightened that your dream of a family
will never come true, and anxious for it to happen already. You are so
frustrated you’d love to just quit trying, but find yourself unable to.
Even while telling your family, friends, and even yourself, that you are
done… you are still sucked in, trying to make it happen. Then you
become worn out and depressed. You feel useless.
Then your
friends become pregnant, and you can’t help but to be jealous of them,
maybe even a little resentful and spiteful. You want to be happy for
them, and truly are, but behind closed doors, it’s harder to focus on
the positive feelings. You find yourself glaring and perfectly happy
pregnant people you pass in stores, and are disturbed by the fact that
you are. Going past a baby department makes you want to burst into tears. You feel awful, hopeless, and shamed. You feel lonely, like you
are the only person who understands and no one else possibly can. You
think your spouse blames you and you feel guilty for letting yourself
get in so deep.
At the bottom of the pit of infertility, there is
nothing but anger, hurt, pain, loneliness and misery. Completely
trapped and afraid, there is no way out. You are furious that you let
yourself go down this deep, and terrified you’ll never get out. All
because you wanted that one precious thing it seems everyone else can
have, except you.
I'll admit, I'm very lucky... starting out our
family, I'm one of those rare people who got pregnant coming out of the
starting gate!! My ex husband and I had two children. The first month we
haphazardly tried, we were pregnant. Unfortunately, the pregnancy
started out with a miscarriage, and my joy quickly turned to grief! It
hadn't even been a week that I had known I was pregnant... and then the
spotting started, and then stopped... and then the massive cramping
started where I could do nothing but curl into a ball and cry.... and
then the bleeding, I've never bleed like that before in my life, and the
clots and ... I knew.. I just knew my baby was gone. And it hurt so
badly. Ever since I was little, the only thing I ever wanted to be, was a
Mom.... We figured we'd try again right away... but the pregnancy
symptoms never went away... it took me three to four weeks to go in and finally get
tested, and to find out I was still pregnant. (It had been twins) We
decided to try for more – right away.
It was then, that our
problems (or my problems) only begun. And the Infertility Monster sucked
me in, and I let it. I spent 5 years of tests, different doctors all
telling me the same thing, and doing nothing…. I kept trying, even when
we weren’t trying. I had several more miscarriages, and with each one a
little piece of hope shattered like a glass of fine crystal. I was hurt,
and everything I described above. I was lost, so ready for the journey
to be over, and so ready to just say enough. But I couldn’t, and I knew
it – not matter what, I was sucked in. My family was not complete and
the feeling of want, or need, would never go away until the feeling of
completion happened... or at least the satisfaction of having another
successful pregnancy. Then I met my current DR and as much as I was not
in there for infertility treatments, that’s exactly what he provided me
with. He told me I would have another baby, and prescribed me Clomid…
and suddenly I had new hope. Thanks to some tiny white pills, I actually
held that hope in my heart again. But after two unsuccessful cycles and
the third taking it’s toll on me, I was just done. That was it, I hit
my breaking point. No more. NO MORE!!!!!! We didn’t even "baby dance"
that month, really. Twice mid-cycle, and once on my birthday, then late
in my cycle. I continued out the cycle, temping and charting, because I
had already took the Clomid. But I knew – there was no way – and I was
DONE. Stress and life had taken it's toll on me that week. I was ready
to get a divorce, and move on with my life... and my one child. Then 11
days after my birthday, on July 6th, I went in for my routine blood
test, ready to say I’m done, no more. I need a break. When the
unexpected happened….. it came back positive. I started crying… spilling
tears of frustration and happiness all mixed into one. Five years of
pent up feelings rushed out of me ….. but with my history, I wasn’t
truly free until I heard that heartbeat, and knew – everything would be
ok. I wasn’t truly free until my second son was born, until I held him,
his tiny one pound twelve ounce little body in my arms and heard him cry for the first time. I
wasn’t truly free until I brought him home …away from the nurses and doctors and the NICU.
Although my first
marriage continued after finding out I was pregnant, and we even tried
to conceive for 3 years of the 4 we stayed together after (resulting in a few more miscarriages), it did end in
divorce. The first miscarriage after our second son happened shortly after bringing him home. I didn't even realize I was late until 10 weeks past my last cycle ... when I went in, found out I was pregnant - I was shocked and confused. I lost that baby the day after my birthday. Funny huh? Conceived one on my birthday the year before... lost another the day after my birthday the year after.
Down the single Mommy road, I met my current husband. We knew we wanted
children together, or at least to try.... we wanted one for sure, maybe
two... but I had some hope, and a lot of fear. Telling him my history
and that I may or may not be able to carry another baby... by the time I
met him, I had 11 miscarriages total, and then we suffered one the
summer we met. But we knew, we had to at least try...
The month
before we started to try, my cycle started and I had to travel for 2
weeks at the beginning without my (at the time) fiance. So knowing that,
we decided to try the following month, after my traveling was done,
knowing that because I was going to be well past mid-way in my cycle...
that we wouldn't even be able to try that month. So I traveled, and came
home... and we pretty much spent the next 3 days in bed together, just
enjoying being able to wrap ourselves up in each other again. I had an
appointment with my OB and told him of our plans, and he said wonderful,
but because of my miscarriage history, he told me he wanted me to take
Progesterone from the time I test positive, to the 12 week mark of
pregnancy. I said fine, and filled it to have it at home, just in case.
Then the following week passed and I was anxious for my cycle to start
so that we could start trying. But it wasn't coming, and it wasn't
coming... so on the 28th day of my cycle I went in for a blood test, and
it was negative. I couldn't understand it - lately I hadn't even been
going 26 days in my cycle... so I waited... and on the 32nd day I took a
home pregnancy test, negative. HOW FRUSTRATING. I knew I wasn't
pregnant, I couldn't be - not with the traveling. My cycle had been so
regular, I just didn't understand. Two days later I was talking to a
girlfriend of mine, and she said "I know you are pregnant, will you just
got take another test?" She kept at me until finally, at 4pm that
afternoon I went downstairs to the bathroom. When walking upstairs with
that long white stick in my hand... I stopped dead, and the tears started to
flow..... it was positive. I started to take the pills ... and a few
weeks later, we saw our little Belly Bug on the ultrasound... heart
beating... and thriving.
Both babies that I fought for were
diagnosed with health issues during my pregnancy. Although, for the most
part, I got 2 healthy babies out of my fight, and am now the proud
mother of 3 boys...
My husband and I decided if our first baby
together was a boy, we would try one more time in hopes of getting that
"girl" I really want... even if #4 is a boy, we'd be happy, and
done....I hoped that we would have another miracle, worried about having another with medical needs, and I prayed I did not
enter into the Infertility Abyss again…
Some people might ask why we would even try again after having two children with medical issues. Those people must not know kids who have had to fight to be "normal" .... they are some of the most precious people in the world, and knowing them is a blessing. They teach us more than we could ever teach them. They teach us about life, humility, compassion, resilience, determination, patience, perseverance, and love...just to name a few. We would accept and love whatever children we were blessed with. Period.
So ... we started sort of trying again. I ended up getting pregnant again right away, but - alas - it didn't last. The pregnancy ended on our first wedding anniversary. It's sad when you have to associate the loss of a baby on important days in your life or holidays. Regardless, I went into my DR and he wanted me to go on Clomid again. I talked it over with my husband, we agreed we'd give it a couple months and take a break if the Clomid didn't work. So I took it.... we were charting and keeping track of baby dancing... then one morning I was woke up by the sound of a shot outside my window. Low and behold the SWAT team was breaking in next door ... the hubby and I peeked out the windows. When it all calmed down I went and peed on a stick, low and behold, two lines.
That time..... I had a very healthy pregnancy with pre-term contractions and gestational diabetes, but instead of the 1lb 12oz or 3lb 4oz preemies I had previously gotten, I got a fat healthy 8lb 3oz baby boy.
The best part of that last baby ... he looks just... like.... me.
Infertility haunts so many women. We all take for granted that getting pregnant should come easy until we have to fight for it. Until we have to consider treatments ranging from cheap to super expensive, surrogacy, adoptions, donor eggs or sperm, and harming ourselves in the name of becoming a parent.
People choose not to understand ... it's like the dirty little secret no one talks about but so many suffer from. If there is someone in your life that you know wants a baby but it hasn't happened, support them. Don't ask if they have been successful, ask if they are enjoying the weather. Let them know you are there if they need a shoulder but don't press the issue. It's hard and hurtful to talk about. Be there but don't push. And remember - even though you have a child or children - it doesn't mean the infertility goes away.
I might not have a hard time getting pregnant, but I sure do have a hard time staying pregnant. I have had a total of 14 miscarriages now and 4 beautiful boys. Even though the baby factory is closed, I'm still issues - physical, emotionally, mentally - from my infertility. It never goes away, it's just about how you survive it.
