Ringing in the new year has been hard for me this year. I'll explain why in my next blog, but right now... it was just tough.
I felt as if I had no right to be happy when my best friend was in so much pain. It's just hard.
I *almost* did not do our annual "the kids got drunk and passed out" joke photos.
I mean - really, I don't drink, we have fake champagne and watch Seattle fireworks on TV. We laugh, some years we play games or have a family movie night. We take stupid photos just for fun, cuz usually the kids are asleep at midnight - joys of having kids with medical issues who are on a schedule and can't vary from it much. We try to make it a great - fun - night, saying goodbye to one year and hello to another.
This year, we had fake champagne, kissed at midnight, and tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't. I did get up and do the photos...
And I was there for my best friend as much as I could be, because she needed me to be there for her whenever she needed me in that moment more than I needed sleep. I spent the night before (the night of the 30th, morning of the 31st) staying up all night. I was so tired, but something happened and I couldn't sleep, all I could do was cry.
Anyway .........
We're saying goodbye to 2016. It wasn't a horrible year. My heart was just a bit crushed over some of the celebs we lost this year. Our year was filled with the most special baby girl. We didn't have a good year financially but it was a bit better. My sister, Heather, came for a visit - a surprise visit we kept from my Mom... for my Mom's wedding. Her and my step-dad finally made it legal. (Love!) ... We had to move, again! Right now, we are staying with my Mom & Step-Dad. We have to find something we can actually afford, which isn't easy when you live paycheck to paycheck (basically) and a lot of money gets sunk into medical stuff.
Nathan spent the whole year without ONE SINGLE hospital stay, but he ended it with getting the chicken pox. He's made huge strides in his speech - every year he is just a little easier to understand. His talker got broke in 2015 and we finally got it back and working just before Christmas.
Kaedyn has shown how amazingly smart he is. We are so proud! We are watching him grow up from being our baby to being more of a young man. It's not fair, it's too soon! I want the baby back! He is so kind, he thinks about other people a lot, but if he doesn't get his way, lol, watch out!
Calahan was supposed to get married this year, but instead they broke up. I didn't talk about it because I thought there might have been a chance of them getting back together, but I think that ship has sailed, and there is no rekindling. He continues to work towards getting his adult life together.
Noah has made some leaps in his education. He's still in a bit of a stand still but I see things falling into place for him. He's smart! He just has to learn how to take the reigns of learning to where he holds onto the information. Noah had a relatively boring year medically - which is awesome! He has glaucoma and his first pair of glasses though.
Kale & Shila are doing great. They have had their ups and downs, but they have always seemed to come back together stronger. They are both immature trying to claw their way into being grown-ups. Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back, but they are two completely different people then they were when they first came to live with us. They have both grown a lot and I'm so proud of who they are becoming!
Clairah and Elly are both doing well. Clairah is having a bit of a tough time adjusting to being a two home girl. Which is utterly and completely normal. However, it seems that we are doing everything right, and then it's coming back to us that apparently Claire is saying bad things are happening. We have a feeling that this is coming from more their household, because the things that are being claimed to happen, are absolutely NOT happening. It's a very rocky slope. Very rocky. And then our living situation went up in the air and it feels like all the progress there is gone. Kale and Shila ended up moving in with his Dad which I think is great! That relationship needs a lot of mending and it sounds like that is happening now. I really hope so. Anyway - Clairah is growing amazing and is such a smart little cookie. Elly is a-MAZE-ing and I miss her like crazy. I miss them all like crazy, but I have a special little bond with that Elly-belly. She is (on the 4th) 17 months old. She's got 7 teeth - and she's a jabberer. She's super quiet but once she gets comfortable - she's a chatter box. And boy oh boy, she knows what she wants. And her silly side is the best.
DB and I are going very strong. We have our moments, which is only healthy. But he is my soulmate. We lift each other up, when we need to be supportive, and we call each other on our shit. Ha ha! We aren't perfect. But we are perfect for each other. I just wish he could let some of his stress go. I learned a long long time ago that I cannot let stress rule my life. With my anxiety, sometimes I can't help but let things that I know are looming bother me, and in those moments I literally just want to crawl under a rock and hide, instead my muscles knot up and I because super nauseated and off balance. It's not fun. We're hoping, here (at my Mom's) my anxiety will ease up a lot. Things are starting to fall into a routine though I think. Anyway - back to DB and I. He's had a rough time in school. His health (Fibro) is not helping, and when he gets stressed out he internalizes it until he lashes out - which isn't healthy. (Which is what I was saying when I went off on my tangent.) But he's trying really hard. I also decided to go back to school, probably not until next fall. I just hope that my health improves, but at this point - it's not looking like it. It's to the point now where I think I'm going to have to apply for disability. I had a silent heart attack and my Fibro/CFS thinks it's ruling my life (which it is) ... and I decided that breaking my toe at the end of the year would be FUN! Other than that, I finished a book this year - well - sorta-finished. It needs to be polished.
Another thing I'm excited about is that my sister (Heather) and I have strengthened our bond we've had all our lives. Now, let me explain. I am my Dad's middle child (two older half sisters, a younger half brother and half sister) .... I am my Mom's only child. So where does Heather fit in? Clearly one of my half sisters on my Dad's side? Nope, wrong. My Mom's best friend for a lot of her life, Donna, had Heather almost exactly a year after I was born. So we've literally been in each other's lives since birth. They often joked about how I was supposed to be a boy, and Heather and I were supposed to get married. Well, clearly that didn't happen. Heather and I would spend our summers together - a lot of the time. Anyway - Heather's Dad hasn't ever really been in her life. Although mine has since I was five, there hasn't been a lot of a relationship. So both Heather and I have had that - it's our mom's and us against the world type of thing going on. When Heather's Mom died, my mom literally jumped on plane to get to her. Mom told Heather she was her's now. So Heather and I have literally cemented a "Sister" relationship. So 2016 was wonderful in the that way, because I gained an amazing sister. She visited in September for our Mom's wedding and we did a ton of fun touristy things.
I have a lot of hopes for 2017.
#1: Keep the streak going of keeping Nathan non-admitted!
#2: I want DB and I to really make more time for him and I. A monthly date. Really need it.
#3: I want read at least 26 books this year. That's two a month. I don't get a lot of time to read, and I've been making it more of a point to really get back into reading.
#4: Polish the book that was finished, and figure out what I want to do with it.
#5: Be part of the #365Project of sharing at least one photo a day. I'm doing it on Facebook and Instagram (and Twitter because Instagram posts to my Twitter.) I think I'll add it to my Google+ too. (I'll have to catch up there though) ....
#6: I
REALLY want to write at least one blog a day. I know I have said this the past couple of years, and I fully intend to, but then life runs away and ... ugh. I stop. But blogging is literally my main form of therapy. I have to purge my feelings. My blog isn't a "working" blog. It's not about making money, it's JUST about sharing my life and being able to look back on my blog for the memories. If you happen to follow along, great!
#7: I have noticed that I have been losing friends. Which sucks. Do I know why? No. I mean, I thought I would make some friends and then I find out that they have removed me on Facebook and it kinda stinks. I really need more friends. I do have a lot of close friends. But I'm a greedy bitch and I want more. I need more of that "talk daily: type of friendships. Some of my closest friends, I'm not talking to daily, and I think I'm gonna have to try to change that. So watch out girls! I'm coming for you (if we don't already talk daily). But I really do need some closer friends. I have some intense close friendships. Long term ones. Of course DB is up there at the top. C I have known since - crap, a long time. JR High? We're super close, both single mother kids. I've been there since day one of her relationship with her husband. She's got all boys too, all my nephews. <3 them all. L I have been friends with since... Cal was 3. We were on the committee together for preschool stuff. She needed a ride home that night and I was like get in. We've sometimes had a love/hate relationship, but I love her to death, and I have a nephew and two nieces with her. SeattleS (there are two with the same name) - our relationship is always amazing. She's super intellectual and I love our conversations sometimes, well I love them all the time, but she's special. I met her in highschool when I shoved a short story at her that I wrote and told her to read it. I just bully myself into peoples lives. Mi I have been friends with since Cal was 3. Her daughter and Cal were in preschool together and we became fast friends. I remember seeing Mi at the clinic I went to at the time, she had come in with her newborn baby (her daughter) and I was overly pregnant with Cal, I remember looking at her and thinking, I need to be friends with her. Which is funny because - 3 years later - we were! She has a rough relationship, and I've been with her through a lot. Sometimes I think she's a bit crazy, but I do love her for it. But I do distinctly remember that day at the clinic. Ummm... let's see. D, Me & J. Well, Me is my little Hippie. D is my paranormal buddy. and J is amazing. (they all are.) Me and I both have all boys. D is such a hard worker, she pushes through so much, and carries a lot around on her shoulder. J and I had an instant bond, she didn't know it at first, but after I kept poking at her, she realized it too. We all were pregnant together in 2002 and the four of us have always just stuck together. J and I have this crazy amazing bond though. We've been through a lot of stuff, our lives are full of these distinct parallels of going through the same things at the same time. And the other S and I met in the NICU. She was married to someone I had gone to Jr. High & Highschool with. But we were put right next to each other in the NICU - we both had lifer preemies. Ones who were spending more than a week in the NICU. Both her boy and mine were under 2 lbs when they were born. So yeah. We became crazy fast friends. We would scrapbook and hang out while our babies were in the NICU. We literally pretty much had only each other to lean on because we were two hours from home and our families had to have more of a normal life while we stayed with our babies. We recently reconnected after a whirlwind drama filled time that kinda revolved around my ex husband, a bunch of lies, and a bunch of other things. I am glad we reconnected.
Wow that was some tangent. Anyway - I need more close friends. There are others I consider close, ones I'd like to be closer with, and there are ones that I have considered best friends with at some point in the past, that I can't say that about anymore. Which sucks.
#8: Need to get some of my health issues more under control, maybe if I do that - I'll feel a lot better over all.
#9: Lose weight. I was under 200lbs and now I'm over again, I hate it. Thank you insulin! I want to lose it again.
#10: We need to do family game night and family movie night more often. We've fallen out of practice. I would like to see us doing both once a week, but I'd settle for one or the other each week.
Those are my goals - not resolutions. It feels like resolutions don't work. So they are my goals.
