Mad Ramblings of an Insomniac (part 1)

I have been thinking a lot lately …  comes from all those hours of being an insomniac and lonely I guess… and not being able to write my novels. 

Tonight my husband asked me if it was lonely being up all night while the rest of the house, heck – most of the world … sleeps.  And it is.  Painfully so sometimes. 

But sleep is an evil thing sometimes.  You can’t force it. When you try, it just laughs at you and taunts you.  You can’t force It any more than you can force love. 

Today I had a discussion with one of my best friends. My ex-husband has been, literally, obsessed with her for over ten years now.  He spent our whole marriage lying to me about one thing or another.  It started before we even got married.  The first lie he ever told me was that he had a daughter with his high school sweetheart, at the age of 14.  He told me that the pregnancy was hidden, after a certain time, and even his best friend didn’t know.  He told me that her dad pretty much owned their small little town and he made it impossible for him to be any kind of father.  Her dad made it clear he wouldn’t be.  He (my ex) told me that he didn’t know if his daughter was being raised as his high school sweethearts sister, or if maybe her older sister had been raising her.  However, he only had one photo of her, and it was a photo he carried in his wallet our whole marriage. 

(Said daughter was a lie, the picture ended up being that of his cousin) 

I know some of that sounds so farfetched and I was 18 and gullible.  I put my trust into the wrong person for ten years of my life. 

I even talked to the highschool sweetheart once.  She told me, she didn’t know what he had been saying, but whatever it was – it wasn’t true.  There was no daughter.  She had never been pregnant.  That he had made up this story in highschool too. 

I only ever wanted one thing, in my life.  I got sick when I was 16, figured no one would ever want to be with me – love me.  Then here was this guy, and he was standing infront of me, asking to love me.  I thought I would be the one out of my friends who wouldn’t get married.  Who would end up having kids and never having a stable guy in my life.  I’d end up having that “whoops” baby …  much like myself.  I was a big ol’ whoops!  I was that thing that happened between my Dad’s marriages.  I am pretty sure my mom wasn’t looking to get pregnant at 20 in the mid-70’s so she could be a single parent.   Luckily she had the support of my Grandparents.  They helped support her with me, and she got to finish school and my mom has always worked so hard.  She’s worked more than one job … and I never tried to be a difficult kid.  But I was, in my own way.  I never did drugs, or drank underage – hell I never really drink OF age…. I didn’t party, or get in trouble much.  I was a good girl in school, just a sick one.  Took me longer to graduate, but I did!  However, I haven’t been able to do much with my life.  I gave her four amazing grandsons, and one adopted one.  But I do try to raise these boys to – I hope – have a better life for themselves, and their kids, then I have been able to give them. 

Anyway – off track.  So here was this guy, offering to love me – and telling me he wanted to create a family with me… and I was like – yeah!  I didn’t like him all that much at first.  I mean – I didn’t hate him.  After our first actual date, though, I had decided not to see him again – on a date.  My gut was like, he’s not that right for you.  Then he just started to show up … and he was injecting himself in my life.  Which I just saw as him being persistent – then.  Now, I realize it was rather stalker-ish.   Knowing what I know now, it was VERY stalker-ish.   He ended up growing on me.   I ended up liking him.  And then I ended up falling in love with him, or at least what I thought was love. 

We were married for ten years.  I can’t say it was all bad.  There were good moments in there. 

But there were A LOT of lies.  A lot of them.  Most of them I didn't even find out where lies until after the marriage ended. 

Though, there was a lot of fighting.  Not like – smack down drag out War of the Roses type fights.  I realize, now, that I let him control me.  We did things HE liked.  We did things HIS way.  If we didn’t, he would make me feel like crap about it because he would throw a temper tantrum and I wasn’t making him happy.  I felt like it was my job to make him happy.  There was a lot of verbal abuse, emotional, mental… and when fights did happen, it was bad.  I remember this one time, it was so bad, I was curled up in a ball crying on the kitchen floor and he was just yelling at me. 

I was 18 when I got married.  I was a teenage wife and a teenage mother and I refused to be another statistic and be a divorced single mother.  I was determined to make my marriage work. 

But it didn’t. 

It got to the point where … he rarely spent time with his “family” and he spent the majority of his time in the garage.  He’d buy stuff and not even talk to me about it.  Stuff that was expensive and I had very little interest in.  But he’d make me feel guilty for not being happy be bought it.  He’d make me feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with him doing what he wanted.  He loved winter, wanted to ski all the time, be on snowmobiles.  I hated the cold.  HATED it.  I loved the snow, but I would rather be curled up by a fireplace watching the big fat fluffy snow falling with a hot cup of coco in my hands, not in the snow.  I am not – nor will I ever be – a snowbunny. 

He'd make me feel guilty over everything.  Eventually – I wasn’t even myself anymore, not sure I ever was because 18 isn’t an age where you even know who you are yet. 

Regardless – and I won’t get into a lot of the why’s – but the summer of 2005 was my last straw.  The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  I was done.  He was in love with my best friend at the time.  That friendship ended (for a while) because of it.  I was more upset about losing the friendship then losing him.  I actually – by that point – felt RELIEF when I made that choice to divorce him.  We drove to the courthouse (well I drove) and he cried the whole way there, begging me not to go through with it.  I was done.  The papers got filed. 

I was now a single mother to two boys.  Cal was 9 at the time (turned 10 beginning of Jan. 2006) and Noah was 3 (going to be 4 Feb 2006.)   I had always wanted to go to college, so I applied, and got in.  Made sure all the paperwork got done..  and I started January of 2006.

At that same time, I had met a guy.  I remember the first time I met him, I had made the typical mistake of single Mom’s dating … and I took my boys with me.  Well what did I know?  I never dated as an adult.  We had planned to meet up at an arcade – I wanted it to be a public place… I was so very nervous.  I remember I walked in there, figured he would take one look at me and turn around and leave.  He didn’t though.  He found me, I think I jumped when he first talked to me.  He made me feel so comfortable though, it was kind of amazing. 

He was the first guy, I think – that ever TRULY made me feel pretty.  With my relationship with him, though, I found myself gaining a lot of confidence, something I had never really had.  Most of all though, he was just an amazing friend.  He helped me grow leaps and bounds into the person I am. Things didn’t last long, though.

I had found my voice, a little bit – at the end of my marriage.  Then I found that I was doing a lot of things, again, focusing on trying to make him happy – not me.  He broke my heart, but I can’t say I blame him much.  My life was a hellish roller coaster of crazy Jerry Springer drama at the time, I probably would have wanted out too.  I was just so drawn to him, and he had literally become my best friend in such a short time, and I hung on longer because of that – I think.

I don’t have a lot of friends.  I am an introvert – I have a few close friends.  So if I open up to someone, it’s because I like them.  I have a horrible habit though, that when I do – I spew out my life story.  Regardless, I don’t like losing friends.  I don’t – especially – like losing best friends. 

So when he broke up with me, all I saw was losing another best friend, and ended up clinging to the relationship in any way I could – but it was unhealthy, and I realized it.  So I had told him at one point, I was going to be done talking to him.  I packed up all the stuff still at my house, into a box, and put it on the front porch. 

I had been dating again.  There was this guy, that guy that I really wasn’t into, and the guy who I briefly dated who kinda treated me like I was so unimportant …  so that lasted a half second.  There were several guys I was just - only - talking to online or/and the phone.  Nothing was serious on my end.  I think one was serious on their end.  

Dating is hard, especially as a single mother.  I watched my kids heart break after I had involved them so much in that first relationship, I realized that wouldn’t happen again.  Not until I was sure.  They had become pretty attached to him in a short time.  Sadly, he did more with them in the short time we were together, than their biological factor had done all their lives.  And I absolutely adored his daughter. 

So I just figured I would be that mom – like my mom was, kinda.   Yes I was a mom, but I wasn’t going to involve them anymore.  Not until on the – very off chance – I knew it was going to be serious and long term.  Like engaged, serious. 

I also decided that – even though I still believe in marriage and would love nothing more than to actually have a marriage like my grandparents had – which is what I always wanted, it probably just wasn’t in my future. 

I would date.  Nothing serious.  Just fun.  Not involving my kids, as much as possible.

That’s where I was anyway … 

I was a single mom, going to school, supporting her kids the best way she could in the moment…  and my kids were my whole life.  Especially with Noah, and his medical stuff going on ….  So, babysitters weren’t a huge option for me.  So I did the whole online thing. 

It took a lot for me to give a guy my phone number.  A LOT.  I would webcam chat (this was before Skype) a little.  Most of my interactions were messengers.  Yahoo, AOL…. That type of thing.  I was a pretty honest person, I didn’t hide anything or sugar coat my life, and I certainly didn’t catfish anyone.  I figured, I would rather they run screaming sooner then later.   Instead, I was met with a lot of “wow you are amazing” and “will you marry me?”  No joke.  They weren’t serious serious – they weren’t rushing out to buy me rings, but a lot of them were literally telling me I was the woman they would want to marry.  I blew them all off though. 

When they got to the “will you marry me” point, I was like – NEXT …. 

It was always so fast, and I wasn’t into them like they were into me.  There was a wall up, now, that was going to be pretty hard to knock down.  I had loved my ex-husband, I realize now it was more a deep friendship love.  I had loved that boyfriend, more so than my ex-husband.  But I just was not going to be ready to let anyone in that position to hurt me – again. 

And one thing was certain.  I had to be me, and not focus on making someone else happy.  YES, a relationship, a marriage, is about making someone else happy – but not at the expense of making yourself unhappy. 

So …  than that fateful day in June, I had signed onto the different dating websites I was on – so I could reply to the guys I was talking to.  I was doing it for attention, it was fun to flirt – especially online, because I was more comfortable.  This guy winked at me, so I went and looked at his profile.  We had some similar interests, he was a Dad, he was cute. So I winked back, sent him a message.  It had been something quick … like…. “I just wanted to say Thanks for the wink :) and say Hi :) How are you today?” I had noticed he lived half way across the country so I thought – he’d make a good friend.  Obviously it couldn’t be anymore more than that.  I was in Wisconsin; he was in North Carolina. 

He had sent me the wink on June 3^rd.  The little bit of chatting we had on site was on the 4^th and early on the 5^th.  He gave me his messenger handle and so I messaged him, and that was June 5^th 2006.  That’s when we started talking, and we pretty much didn’t stop.  It was talking on there ALL the time, every chance we weren’t busy.   

Things happened SO quickly.  It was very weird.  For the place I was …. Thinking no one would truly want to take me on (sick) and my angry ten year old, and my four year old with medical issues…. Why would anyone want to take us on?  I certainly wasn’t looking for a “Daddy” for my kids either.  They deserved one, the biological one was kinda a POS and they deserved a good role model.  Also, DB told me that he never wanted to get married again, ever (he had been married twice before.)  … and he said he saw my photo and thought, I’m gonna marry that girl. 

And he did. 

(Stay tuned for part 2 of this crazy mind warp….) 

The Deep Thinking is Real ....

I am a mom with five amazing boys.  Two I am watching become the men they are going to be, which is a process because I don’t think you ever really stop growing as a person, no matter how old you are.  One has started his family, and made me a grandma, and I love that.  I was blessed with five boys, but let me tell you – all I ever wanted was a daughter.  I didn’t get that.  I didn’t get to have that bond or experience. Though, I have five – very devoted boys, who love their Momma and would do whatever they could do to help… because that’s what I have taught them.  We have given them tools, and love, and understanding that mistakes will be made, bad choices will happen, but it’s what you do to come back from that, and understanding there will be consequences.  It’s accepting that, and moving on.

I also, besides my two adult boys, have a teenager and two boys in the single digits, close enough to double digits.  We are at that point where besides the typical teenage-itis … it should be a lot more smooth sailing.  The kids are independent… and besides feeding them, and making sure they do their homework, follow the rules, and have fun with them …   and it IS to that point….

Except….  It’s not.

My 14 year old, Noah, is not a typical child.  Nor is my 9 year Nathan.  They are not totally independent, and they may never be able to grow to the point where they can be totally independent.  We have had to have conversations with our adult boys about what we expect to happen after we get to the point where we cannot take care of them.  If that means that we passed away, or just are not physically able to take care of their needs (which I hope is never the case.)  They have both made it clear that they will take care of the boys – if or when the time comes.  I appreciate that, and I hope they keep their words.  I would not want them to the point where they would have to be in some sort of home.

This is something we have to think and talk about.  It is our life.  It is a real issue that at some point we will have to face.

Tonight, I had a conversation with Kaedyn that I want to share.  Kaedyn is our youngest, he is 8 years old.  I found out when Nathan was 9 months old that I was pregnant again (and what would be the last successful pregnancy.) They are 16 months apart.  Nathan was a bit mobile but otherwise very much dependent when Kaedyn was born.  It was very hard for me, initially, to juggle both of them.  I had post-partum depression and didn’t realize it, and this was the only baby I had PPD with.  I remember one day, I was home alone with the babies, DB was at work, Calahan and Noah were at school, and it was just me and the babies.  I was trying to feed Kaedyn (I was still breastfeeding at this point), and Nathan was at my feet, screaming and crying because he just wanted my attention.  Kaedyn was constantly at the breast, because he was always hungry.  I remember thinking, in that moment, with me nursing Kaed and Nate screaming at my feet, “Now I know why animals eat their young.”  For six months I couldn’t seem to put Kaedyn down.  The only time he slept was in my arms, or co-sleeping in bed with me and DB.  I didn’t realize until he was six months old that I had PPD and by then I had just snapped out of it.  It was like a light bulb finally lit up again.

But having Kaedyn was a good thing too, Nathan would push himself to meet his milestones either before or with Kaedyn, but if we hadn’t had Kaedyn, we aren’t sure if Nathan would have pushed himself to do the things he can do.  The boys have always been super close. A lot of the time, they slept together.  They have always acted like twins, even if they are 16 months apart – complete with their own language – which ended up messing up Kaedyn’s speech development.

But this conversation with Kaedyn tonight really yanked at my heart.

I should explain that I am sick.  I have several things wrong, skin issues with my Psoriasis. I have health issues with my Fibro/CFS & diabetes.  I have heart problems, complete with a small silent heart attack back in March.   I haven’t been doing well.  It seems to have gotten worse.  I have good days and bad days, and the bad days are starting to out-weigh the good.

So Kaedyn came in the bedroom and we were talking.  I had asked something like….

“Are you always going to be with Nathan?”

K: “Yeah”

“Will you take care of him when he’s older?”  He gave me this weird look. “Like when Mommy can’t take care of him anymore?”

K: (instant tears) “I don’t want you to die.”  (this is clearly a fear of his. So I explained to him the things that I’m struggling with.  Although it makes Mommy have a lot of pain, it’s not going to kill me.  I didn’t get into the heart stuff, I just don’t want him worrying so much about this.  I did tell him I wasn’t going to go anywhere anytime soon.)

After I asked him if when Mommy can’t take care of Nathan – if he would take care of him.

K: “It would be hard” he said.  Then he added, “Like with his tube feeding.”

I told him that when he’s older, he could probably do it himself.  (That’s if he still has to.)

K: “Well…  I think I just might want to live by myself.”

Ha ha ha ha ha….

But the whole him thinking I might die really got of me.  It’s a realistic fear but I don’t want him worrying about it.

I have also been watching BORN THIS WAY …  if you have never seen it, the second season just finished airing and it has been picked up for a third season.  YAY!  It’s a show that follows seven young adults with Downs Syndrome.

Downs Syndrome is Trisomy 21.  Meaning three 21st Chromosomes in each cell instead of two.  Noah has a Trisomy, not 21, but 16.  In his case, it’s not a full Trisomy, is Mosaic Trisomy 16.   This means that only some cells have the extra chromosome, only some.  But we don’t know exactly where or what is affected.

Regardless…  There are two boys Sean and Steven who remind me of Noah.  He’s like a good combo of the two of them.  I ended up just bawling through the whole 10 hours.  This season kinda focused on the kids exploring some of their dreams and a lot of talk of them living on their own.
We know, and we’ve been told, that most likely Noah will not be able to live on his own.  So seeing these kids expressing their want and need to be independent really struck me.  Noah is 14.  He just got to the point where he is taking a bath/shower by himself.  He can make a few food items on his own (mostly with the microwave.)  He only – almost a week and a half ago – was left alone for the second time and did well.

It’s just hard.  I have had to learn to live – one day at a time, because I was told when I was pregnant with Noah that he wouldn’t live – period.  Once he proved he was going to, I was basically told that – because every organ cannot be tested – you never know what might happen, when things will fail, or which day he will die.  So I was told to enjoy every day with him, because anything can go wrong at any time.

When he was five years old, he almost died.  Nothing that had to do with his Trisomy, but it happened.  Noah was in the hospital – recovering, when Nathan was born.  Even though I had taken him into the local ER, I followed my gut and took him into the hospital where he was born, and he saw a doctor who specialized with children with a little more wrong than a cold.  By the time she saw him, he was lethargic and I remember she came in and I ran down everything that happened, and she looked at him and looked at me, and she said “Something is wrong” and I felt such relief because she wasn’t being dismissive and she believed me.  It’s something I have to fight for a lot – to be heard.  Especially early on with Noah.  It hasn’t been like that since, with the boys anyway.  But that doctor told me that if Noah hadn’t been seen, he would have died within 24 to 48 hours.

I remember having to leave Noah in his hospital room, and going down one floor to have Nathan and him going to the NICU.  So it was really hard.  I was a basket case in pre-op – crying a lot – and I kept having to say that my son was upstairs admitted.

Regardless, Noah has beat so many odds.  SO MANY.  He wasn’t supposed to live, and he’s 14.  But he doesn’t seem to have any big dreams, or goals… and I think he’s confused on his future right now.


The doctors have finally said, that since he’s survived this long, there shouldn’t be any reason why he can’t live into adulthood and have a future.  They still don’t feel he’d ever be able to be completely independent though.  I do know there are ways for him to be independent with like people who come and check on them or what not.  But at this moment, that’s not in the plans.  We’ll see how he feels when he gets older, but he just doesn’t seem interested in that as of this moment.  Because he is just now being able to gain some independence and care for himself.

It’s in the future but it is something.

Just my kids....

So .... I had watched a video on facebook and we had just gone through this huge thing in our family ... and I just needed to pour some things out.  This is what I ended up writing.

I have joked that my oldest child was my "trial and error" child. In a way it's true. I have to say that he is how I learned to be a mom. However each of my children are vastly different.

My oldest, he was a handful, bless his heart. The temper in that tiny boy was amazing. He has ADHD, ODD, and a few other learning disabilities. He went through a leukemia scare at two and a half. He has had a lot of weight put on his shoulders. But his heart, his love for all things living, and the emotional pain he felt when that that he loved was hurt or wronged was and is breathtaking. He has learned to manage his anger, still needs to keep working on it, but I am proud of the man he is becoming. He has a very strong sense of family. When someone messes with his family, he isn't afraid to let them know. But he reigns himself in and tries not to feed into the drama and be the bigger person. I am excited to see who he is going to be and what he's going to do.

My #2 was fought for hard. This one taught me what a miracle was. Infertility is an ugly beast - even when you already have a child or children. Fertility drugs are no joke, either. Finding out after many miscarriages and heartache, that the baby you finally have tucked safely in your womb has a very rare genetic disorder... it's numbing. When you hear words like "your baby won't live" or "mentally & physically delayed"... you literally can't breathe... he was given no hope. I was told he would die, for sure. He didn't though. He was born 1 lb 12 oz and a fighter. I often say that he got my stubborn and it saved his life. He proved all those wrong that said he wouldn't live to see any tomorrows ... but today he is 14. He has had a fight, but he takes it on like a champ. He is an amazing kids who has a love for everything geekdom. Doctor Who, the superheros, Star Wars, and so much more. He may forever live with us. He always tries to be positive, and he avoids conflict. His love for animals is massive.

More miscarriages, a divorce, more miscarriages in a new relationship headed toward marriage... and....

#3 came along. Surprise!! When his pregnancy started to mimic #2's pregnancy I got scared. But I was assured he didn't have the same issues as #2. No, he had different ones. Two vessel umbilical cord. Dandy Walker Variant. He came tiny too, 3 lbs 4 oz. Cleft palate, thyroid problems, growth issues, hearing issues, non-verbal.. GTube, shots of HGH daily... this kid goes through so much. The lists of his diagnoses is long. But he has the most infectious smile and laugh. He inspires everyone who meets him. It's a constant fight just to get him to grow and gain weight, and stay out of the hospital, he has had more surgeries and hospital visits, it's ridiculous. Through it all, he bounces back.

We learned to appreciate every moment, even more so with both #2 and #3. To many close calls with losing them... it's about all the moments and memories that you can make.

#4 ... oh dear. Finally another fat healthy baby. He burst into the world announcing the new boss of the family had arrived, and boy did he! With #3's medical issues and being so close in age, it was like taking care of two newborns, they have always acted like twins - complete with their own unique language. They are the closest and inseparable... He is so smart and he is so curious and absorbs everything he can. He is going to be our overachiever, and we couldn't be prouder. He also keeps #3 progressing. #3 has to make it clear that he is the older brother (even though he looks younger) and can do anything #4 can.

#5 is the last to join us, but he is the oldest. His bio mom and I were fast and amazing friends. As I got to know her, I learned a lot of things I didn't like. But he and I always had an amazing connection. I saw a good kid who got a raw deal with his family situation. She passed away a few years ago. I found out he was homeless over two years ago, on the streets with his girlfriend. Within 15 minutes a plan was in place to get them. They were just looking for a shower and a place to crash for a night or two, but they never left. He was mine from that moment. And so was she. She has a little girl from a previous relationship and my husband and I were excited to become Nonna and Poppy. It's been a rough time. Adopting them as adults, where they have a warped sense of family and almost everyone turned their backs on them at one point or another. Where their lives were (and still is) a constant battle of the game "Who Can You Trust?" .... they constantly are waiting for us to turn our backs on them and kick them out. Still to this day. We get that it's hard to change that mentality when it's all you have known. They are only just now really learning what unconditional love is. We parent them just as we do all of them even when though they are 22. Because it's just not something they have had. so it's hard on all sides, but they understanding that it's because we love them. They did bless us with the most amazing granddaughter #2. She lives with us and we get granddaughter #1 a day or two every week. They have changed a lot in the last two years and for the better. Not only are they growing as adults but also in their relationship. Neither of them have had good examples there either, so a lot of their fights are who can hurt who the most with things they don't mean. Thankfully, they are learning that isn't how to love each other... and are forgiving and willing to grow with each other. We are so proud of them with the strides they have made to improve their lives and create a better life for their kids then the example they grew up with. I am just as excited to see them grow into a lot better people then they were in the path to become, and excited to watch their love grow with each other, growing as a couple and a family.

Grandmother before I turned 40.... I guess it's only fair, I did the same to my mom ... only she was 40.

I love my kids like no other. All I ever wanted to be was a mom, and I wanted a big family. I had to fight to have kids. 16 miscarriages, two with the help of fertility drugs, premature babies, medical issues, each pregnancy was really hard on me. I was high risk from test to screaming baby, pretty much. It wasn't an easy road.... but it was worth it.

I am proud of all my kids. They want have had some very high mountains to climb, and watching them overcome all those obstacles... we couldn't be prouder.

Mom of 5 boys... that's me. They have all taken me down different roads and taught us different things... and that "starter" child was just the beginning of very different children that followed, and it's been an adventure learning to parent each in the way they needed to be parented.

Kale wrote this, directly because and following what I wrote.

i find something funny mean really funny i ready someones post kinda hit me were i am lol everyone who knows me knows what kinda of a person i am i am a social butterfly and love to help people out when they need it i am all ways there with a shoulder to cry i found out last Friday i have severe ptsd and anxiety and all this other crap and tbh only the people close to me have seen it the sad part is i message a lot of buddies on here and ask them how they are and all that but out of alllllllllll my friends on here who asks me how i am i got a message from a good friend of mine on his way to work of all places to see how i was these past 3 or 4 weeks i have gotten maybe 3 messages from friends AND family asking how i was the funny thing about all this is the excuse i get is i am busy is 2 minutes to see how someone who has been there for you really that hard i honestly dont get it the point i am trying to make is were i am is prob one of the best places i can be this amazing women and amazing man brought me into there house and asked me on a day to day basis how i was checked up on me was there for some fucked up injury's made sure me my fiance and my daughter didnt go with out and still i fight with these struggles on a day to day basis and no matter what these people who ARNT family who are now lol my adopted parents have been threw a lot with me i guess all i can say is thank you to those select few and thank you to my adopted parents for really being by my side when i needed someone the most

He always writes in one huge run on sentence, lol, but the message is there and I'm so deeply touched.  It's important that he knows he can trust us and no matter what, we will always be his family.

So much has happened...

In the last week and a half, so much has happened.  

I have been holding a couple of secrets for over a month - and I wanted to burst from the seams to scream it - from excitement - but I couldn't.  

For several reasons...   1: It was supposed to be a big huge surprise for my Mom...  and 2: My Mom was having her own surprise she didn't want blasted on FB for her own reasons....  

So ...... Surprise #1 .... and #2

So my Mom messaged me one day, a little over a month ago – I think – I don’t remember EXACTLY when…  but … my mom messages me and says “I have a date for you to put in your calendar” and I’m thinking … okay, what kind of doctor’s appointment do I need to know about for her… or Russ even. 

Russ – if you haven’t heard me talk about him before, is my Step-Dad.  He’s been my step-dad in every sense of the word for YEARS. Prior to Noah, years.  (so over 14).  My Mom and Russ met online in 1998.  He had flown her out to Hawaii – it was (I think) the first time they met, the trip to Hawaii.  In early 1999 (January I think) she moved from our home town (as we were both born and raised there) of Eau Claire, Wisconsin to Bremerton, Washington.  I remember she had been in Wisconsin for Calahan’s horrible Leukemia scare in the fall of 1998 (he was two and a half) … but I remember, when Grandma died (her mother) in March of 1999 – she had to fly home to be with Grandma, and she was there the last week of her life. 

Regardless, my mom was never one to date around.  She tells me that when I was about 3 years old, we lived with a man she was dating – a cop, I think she had said.  I have no memory of it.  By the time I was 5, though, we were living with my Grandparents again.  I remember my Mom had a boyfriend – Joey O. – he was a nice man, never married before, lived with his Mom and took care of her (he never did marry or anything.)  I would get so mad when they went out on dates, I wanted to go with.  Time with my Mom was so precious and I wanted to go out with my Mom too! Joey would sometimes give me money to get me to shut up… and as a little kid, it worked.  That went on for years.  The next man my Mom was with – was Rick.  She moved out with him, and I did for a time too.  However, Rick and I did not get along.  I was treated, by him, as the bratty child he HAD to deal with because he was with my Mom, while he doted on his three boys.  I didn’t like him, and he didn’t like me.  He was an alcoholic and he abused my Mom. I remember one day he left for work, and my mom work me up and she told me to pack up what I needed as quick as I could, because we were leaving.  And we did.  I remember almost getting into a car accident on the way to my Grandma’s because there was a bee in the car.  My Mom went back to him though, she was back and forth with him a lot for MANY years.  I know she was with him when I was 12 (probably prior to that) and I think she was with him until just before she met Russ because she was with him when I got married (the first time) in 1995.  During that wedding, it had been raining that morning and the venue had already set out all the chairs.  Rick had gone in to ask for a towel and was told to “use his suit” … but I remember he was great that day.  And at one point my mom had told me he apologized for always accusing me of not doing the dishes right – because one of his boys had been doing dishes (I wasn’t there anymore) and the same stuff he hated about when I did them, was happening.  So he had apologized for all those times he had yelled at me. 

It is very hard to remember Rick with much fondness though.  Between the alcoholism, the abuse to my mom … (some other stuff I won’t mention) …  I had a few moments – where I was very sorry our relationship never really hit a level where we could be in a good space.  The first Christmas – here in Washington – we got news from home, one of my friends messaged me – Rick’s house had burned down on Christmas Eve (2010) … it was shocking.  And then the day before my birthday, in 2013, he died.  Accidental drowning. 

I had called Rick my Step-Dad though, and his boys my step-brothers.  So it was natural after a few years of Mom dating Russ that I started to call him my Step-Dad too. 

My mom had never married, all her life.  But she wanted to.  She really wanted to find that person who was HER person.  But it never seemed to happen.  She was with very long term relationships.  She’s always been very loyal.  But Russ has definitely been the longest relationship she’s ever been in and I feel like she wouldn’t be with anyone else after him, just because I really think – Russ – is that person for her. 

My Mom has always dreamed of a big wedding – for years.  She wanted to be a wedding planner for a while – just so she could plan weddings.  

So I said all that – so I could say this. 

My Mom told me – Russ and I are getting married!  Instant excitement!!  I was like – WOW – Mom is going to finally do it!  They are finally gonna get married!!  And I asked her the date. 

September 3^rd …. She said. 

I was like “is that this year?” 

She replies, “yeah.”

Wow … that’s quick!   Then she told me not to post anything on FB about it because they (her and Russ) didn’t want Russ’ son catching wind of it prior to the event.  Russ’ son and my Mom do not get along.  He – a few years ago – ranted about her on FB calling her every name in the book, saying she was just using his Dad and various other stuff.  Called her a gold digger, which I think hurt her the most. 

Russ has been there for his son – for everything.  He had gastric bypass a few years ago, Russ traveled to him to help take care of him.  He had surgery on his knee, I think it was, and Russ traveled to him – to help take care of him.  Russ got hurt this year, threw out his back so bad he couldn’t get up off the floor, and where was his son?  It was me and Dennis (mostly Dennis cuz he’s stronger than I am) who was taking care of Russ with Mom.  It just makes me mad :(  …

Since that rant … my Mom hasn’t been invited to anything by Russ’ son and I’m not sure she would go if she were.  He disapproved of Mom & Russ together – even though they have been together for 18 years… (which I think is longer than his parents Russ and his ex wife, if not longer, close to) were together.  I could be wrong on that.  But she was a Navy wife and he was often deployed.  

Anyway – that is why it couldn’t be blasted on FB. 

I immediately told my sister. 

Which you might be saying – hey, I thought you were an only child!  Which… I am.  I am my Mother’s only child.  (My Dad, I have two older half-sisters, one younger half-brother, and a younger half-sister. I don’t have relationships with any of them. Even though I’ve tried.) However, my mom’s best friend from (I think before) high school – Donna – died last year.  Her daughter – Heather – is almost exactly a year younger than I am.  Her birthday is June 22, 1977, mine is June 25, 1976.  My Mom SWORE I was a boy while she was pregnant with me, until the moment the doctor said “it’s a girl!” …  and both Donna and my Mom were single Mom’s.  They had their babies out of wedlock.  Although, I don’t think it was as frowned upon to be single, unmarried, and pregnant in the mid-1970’s … I don’t think it was exactly … easy.  I do know that my Mom had the support and love of my Grandparents, who were VERY excited to become grandparents.  I don’t think abortion or adoption was even an option in their eyes, or my Mom’s.  I’m sure my Mom probably thought about it, I don’t know – I never asked.  Maybe I’m not sure I want those answers.  It’s hard enough knowing my Dad tried to talk my Mom into do either of those choices.  After all, by the time my Mom got pregnant (late 1975)… abortions had only been legal for almost 3 years.  I was just an “oops” that happened between my Dad’s marriages.  The daughter born out of wedlock and the only child of my Father’s that was completely denied by his parents.  His folks were Irish Catholic and I was just a stain on the family.  After my Grandfather died (his Dad) .. my Grandmother (his Mom) started to reach out to me, wanting a relationship, and I was very very grateful for it.  I loved her greatly.

Regardless, just a few months after I was born, my Mom’s best friend, Donna – was going through the same stuff she had.  Which I think made them closer … and Heather was born.  Heather and I grew up together.  We’d be together a lot and when they moved away, they were up every summer and Heather and I were truly best friends from birth.  We were as close to sisters, as we’d ever get. 

So when Donna died, my mom got on a red-eye and went to Heather.  She told Heather then, I’m your Mom now, that’s how your Mom would have wanted it.  So now she’s my sister – even though she kinda already was. 

Oh and not just my sister, my Irish Twin Sister – cuz we are less than a year apart in age. LOL. 

So …….. Mom tells me that she’s getting married, and I am immediately messaging Heather telling her …  she immediately says, “I’m going to try to get there for the wedding.”  So I’ve been keeping her updated, and she’s been trying her hardest to make it. 

The day she told me that she was for sure coming – Mom and I had been talking about who she has told – and I said “Have you told Heather?” and she told me no.  So I was like “JEEZUS MOM SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU HAVEN’T TOLD HER?” ha ha ha ha ha ha – of course, Heather knew… but I’m sending Heather screen shots of his conversation with my Mom – and we are both just laughing like crazy.  So Mom messages her and says by the way I’m getting married, and Heather gave her some rather low excitement response.  LOL … and she was like “I wish I could make it!  Mom (Donna) and I will be there in spirit.”  … LOL…  meanwhile, Heather and I both knew she was coming!

So …. The plan was, she was going to be here from September 1^st to September 6^th.  We basically had 4 ½ days to show her a ton of stuff in Washington…  and while she was here, it was my goal to get her hooked so she would want to move here.  (which I succeeded at!) 

Okay – so September 1^st – DB and I travel to Seattle to pick her up from the airport, and we do a lot of the Seattle tourist things – well as much as we could.  We went to Pikes Place Market, took her to the original Starbucks, took her to Hard Rock Café for lunch… took her to the Space Needle, and to the Freemont Troll… we were going to take a ferry home so she could get a ferry ride in – but we missed the ferry by about 15 minutes.  So we drove around (which was kinda better) … and she got to cross the Tacoma Narrows and after we crossed the bridge, Sturdy Gertie .. I showed her the video of Galloping Gertie .. and she was like, I am so glad I didn’t see that before we went over.  Ha ha ha …

We stopped at home, and dropped stuff off.  We had pizza and then when Mom got home from work, the three of us (DB, Heather & I) went over there… and I got inside, Mom was standing by the stairs… and I said “Hey Mom, close your eyes.”  She’s like why?  I said “Just do it” so she did.. but then she started fiddling with the lights in the other room or something – I just rolled my eyes – LOL …  anyway – she turned back, and I motioned for Heather to come closer to me, told mom to open her eyes, and she looked at Heather … and she literally STARRED at Heather for a good 20-30 seconds and then it registered I think …  she goes “Oh my gosh did you come here to surprise me for my wedding?”  and she came to Heather and just hugged her. 

Yeah – it was a good surprise. 

Mom immediately tried to get Heather to stay with her – LOL – but Heather wanted to spend as much time as she could with all her nephews.  So she stayed here at our place with all my crazy kids … 

It was an AMAZING visit and I’ll talk about that more over the next couple of days.  It was amazing and it was very very hard. 

With my heart, and my Fibro/CFS … it wore me out – but I’m proud of myself for continuing to get up every day and go with and try to really make everything she wanted to do – happen! 

Her list was:

1: Space Needle

2: Starbucks

3: Pikes Place

4: Hard Rock Café

5: Mount Saint Helens

6: Forks

7: the Zoo

The only one we didn’t get, was the Zoo.  Everything else happened – YAY!

This was my list… 

So I managed most of the stuff on my list too…

GO ME!

Heather ended up standing up as my Mom's witness (Bridesmaid) because the one she asked to do it, ended up sleeping in and didn't make it.  I had said "Geez Mom, thanks for thinking of me..." LOL ... and she said I was there to take pictures.   I see that Heather is already the "favorite" child.... 

The whole family ...  Mom, Russ, Heather, DB & I - all the boys & Shila with Elly ... Ashley with her family (Zach, Alycia & Harley Quinn) ... (we're missing Clariah and Autumn - Ashley & Zach's oldest, and Jeremy - Heather's husband) ...  

But by Saturday night …. I was trying to talk her out of stuff, because I was just THAT TIRED…… I’m glad she made me do it though.  I have been wanting to go to Forks since before we moved here, and there was a lot of stuff that either me or DB hadn’t done that we’ve both wanted to do … so I’m really happy it happened…

Sunday we went to Forks....

We literally did this ...... we were gone from 9 AM to 10:30 PM ...

We saw Crescent Lake ... which was AMAZING...

And we went to the Ocean ... (Ocean Shores)

She’s going to come back for her 40^th birthday – we’re going to celebrate our birthday’s together for the first time in YEARS …… and it’s going to be amazing.  We’re already making a list! LOL…

Anyway -  I was just getting very very worn out by Saturday night.  Monday, we went to Mount Saint Helens and I ended up sleeping in the car the whole way there (from home to the gift shop we stopped at just before the Visitors Center) and then almost all of the way home.  I just couldn’t be awake. 

Heather left on Tuesday morning, Mom picked her up at 8am… I woke up about 15 minutes later, saw her gone, and just went back to bed.  Wednesday afternoon, I had to go do some tests for my heart. 

I ended up throwing some PVCs during the ultrasound …

Premature ventricular contractions (PVCs) are extra, abnormal heartbeats that begin in one of your heart's two lower pumping chambers (ventricles). These extra beats disrupt your regular heart rhythm, sometimes causing you to feel a flip-flop or skipped beat in your chest.

This is what a normal heart rate trace looks like ... 

This is what mine looked like when I was throwing the PVCs ...  (the down ones - roughly) 

And my resting heart rate is 120 – and it has been – since about June – when my “Silent Heart Attack” was discovered.  I can pin-point the night I think it happened too.  I think it happened in late March.  DB was stressing out about homework that night and my heart was literally trying to pound out of my chest. I was having hard palpitations and it was really freaking me out.  I even broke out the stethoscope and tried to get him to listen to my heart – but he snapped at me, cuz he was trying to get school work done, and I got upset and just went to bed.  I remember thinking, I’ll go into the doctors if I’m still like this in the morning or wake up during the night … and I went to sleep.  I could have never woken up.  I realize that now.  I honestly just thought it was a horrible anxiety attack.  Now, reading about Silent Heart Attacks, I know that’s what most people think are happening.  I woke up the next morning, my chest was achy and I was still having palpitations but my heart had calmed down. So I didn’t go in. 

So anyway – my resting heart rate is 120…  so she had hooked the probes up to me, and she made some comment about me being tachycardic.  

Tachycardia refers to an abnormally fast resting heart rate - usually at least 100 beats per minute. The threshold of a normal heart rate (pulse) is generally based on the person's age. Tachycardia can be dangerous; depending on how hard the heart has to work.

She told me the target heart rate they wanted to get to was 153.  She had me stand up and I immediately started to have a panic attack, er, some anxiety …  treadmills are NOT my friend and so I was nervous.  Well as I’m standing on the treadmill, before she even started it up – I watched my heart rate go up to 140 – and made some joke about how if she gave me a few more minutes to panic, I could get up to 153 without even starting the treadmill.  She said “We’ll just have you do 3 jumping jacks” …  But we started it, and my heart rate went down as I was getting comfortable on it… it went back down to about 123 … and then started going up again.  Got to phase two, and I hit the target rate – and I kept going until 160 when it started to get hard to catch my breath – so I had her stop it.  She said anything over 153 was a bonus. 

Oh and my blood pressure … was kinda scary.  So yeah ……. I really need to learn to be Zen….

So yeah ..  and then I came home with a EKG harness (probes recording my heartrate for 24 hours) … I’ve worn them before – twice actually. 

And then yesterday was Bubba’s birthday – and I did not do well yesterday. 

Got up and got the boys ready for school, got them loaded up and stopped at the grocery store to let Kaedyn pick out a "treat" for school for his birthday ... he got a huge bag of candy. Took the boys to school, walked them in.  Dropped Nate off at the Inclusion room and warned them he was melting down all morning (he didn't want to get dressed, kept telling us it was his day off) ... took Kaedyn to his classroom, Told the sub that he had treats in his backpack for his birthday ...  we left the school and had breakfast, by the time we were done I had the inner trembles... I was shakey and just feeling weird.  So I told DB he better drive and I ended up passing out/falling asleep off and on the rest of the mornings errands run.  I didn't go in at all - anywhere - it was that bad.  I just stayed in the van. I couldn't stay awake.  This isn't normal for me.  Got home - got in bed - slept... off and on ... I wasn't even awake when it came time to singing and blowing out the candles for Kaedyn...

So I feel bad …  but Kaedyn got tons of hugs from me when I was awake, I kept singing to him and telling him happy birthday.  I made a big deal when I could.  He says he had a good day. 

Daddy picked out his cake, but I got to show it to him – and he got in eye sight – and his mouth dropped open in awe… and he gets a little closer … and he goes “Oh my gosh I loooove it!”  LOL…  yep.  Daddy did a good job. 

SO – yeah – I’ll catch up on all that stuff in the next few days. 

Share photos …  so stay tuned. 

Hello ... again...

I've been busy with life.  I miss writing.  I miss writing here, I miss documenting my life - I like to look back and say ... oh ...wow...  LOL... I remember that!

Cuz this blog isn't for anyone - but me....  and well, whomever chooses to read it.

It's currently almost 4am.  I ended up sleeping a lot today.  Ended up having trouble staying awake for even two hours during the day today, and now - I can't sleep.  I haven't been able to fall asleep until 4am or later lately - last night I ended up managing going to sleep at 1am.  I slept until 5am and I thought - YES!  I am going to get more on track!  I wasn't tired at all, I stayed up until 8am .. then after getting Nathan settled (because he woke up) I tried to get a little more sleep.  Thinking - oh I'll sleep two hours and then get up.  (rolling eyes) ... it didn't work that way.  I woke up around 10:30 .. ended up going back to sleep .. slept until about 2 ... I tried to stay up, I was out in the living room at the dining room table and everything, and I just couldn't do it.  Between the pain and everything else - I'm just beat.  So I come back to the bedroom and lay down - just to watch TV.  I am rewatching Bones - the first few seasons, considering how the last one ended.  I've already gone through Season 1 and Season 2 - am in Season 3 right now.  A lot of episodes I don't remember - that I didn't think I've seen - so I'm glad I'm re-watching.  I love this show.

A lot of my favorite shows are ending or have...  CSI.  Rizzoli & Isles ... this is Ghost Hunters last season ...  there are a bunch but it's 4am and I can't think.  There are some good ones (it looks like) starting up that I'm kinda excited about. Anyway - I love Bones.  I love shows that show intelligent people.

Anyway ..... this week is going to be a long week but I am soooooo excited!!  I can't say why at the moment though.  There is a HUGE surprise arriving this week.  Also someone is getting ...

Married!!!!!   I am sooooooooo excited and cannot wait until I can talk about it because I want to shout it!  But there is a reason it's going to stay hush hush until after the it's all said and done.

I'm going to be soooooo busy though until the 6th.  I need to just let myself have the next couple days to relax.  Well as much as I can with everything going on this week!  Today (Monday) we have two appointments.  One to talk to the kids doctor about getting Kaedyn's epi pen for school (and another one for home, it's expired) ...  Shila has and appointment.  Gotta get the boys signs done for their first day of school too.

Midnight Tuesday (Monday night) - the new WOW expansion launches and our whole house is just waiting for that to happen.  I've been trying to get my low level toons up to lvl 100 with the invasions, but because I decided to work on 5 of them, and not one ...  they are all up to (70, 71,72, 73, 73) right now...

Tuesday is the boys back to school night with the boys.  We get to go meet their teachers, drop off their school supplies, etc and so on.  Lots of pictures!

Wednesday is the boys first day of school!  Nathan is in 4th Grade and Kaedyn is in 2nd Grade this year.  Nathan - of course - will mostly be in the inclusion room but yeah.

Thrusday we're gonna be in Seattle all day.

Friday will be super busy.

Saturday is the wedding and other fun stuff.

Basically Thrusday to Tuesday is going to be a lot of fun awesome stuff going on and a lot of traveling.

I just really need to get back into blogging and writing ....   Peace Out! For a minute anyway ...

More TV Talk...

Yeah I don't have a lot to write about right now other than Games I play and TV I watch ... I mean I do - but I don't.

So I caught up (finished up) on Teen Mom 2.  See my DVR is about 100% full because I have been watching Big Brother UK and Big Brother Canada from this year on my computer and not watching a lot of TV.

So anyway - I finished up Teen Mom 2 - had like, five episodes to watch (including both reunion specials).   Just ... not even gonna comment.  (Note: I was a teen mom so I understand)..  No wait, I am.  Leah - I have loved her from the start. I have always thought she was really strong and a great mom.  Her struggle the last few years have been hard to watch.  She's so young, been married and divorced twice now, has three babies, one with medical issues... The most important thing is she realized her issues, and got help.  If it were just for depression and anxiety, or if she did have a prescription drug issue.  She got help.  Kailyn and Javi, well.  I just don't even know what to say.  I think Javi is a great guy, but he does have some pretty hard core jealousy issues.  I think him blaming Kailyn for the miscarriage was a major breaking point for Kailyn. I had hoped that they would make it, but at this point, I'm not sure they will.  I think Joe has really stepped up to the plate. And I'm proud of the relationship Kailyn and Joe have now, even though they have moments, they are doing really well at co-parenting. I think Janelle and her mom are their own kind of special.  I'm really happy for Chelsea. She's rarely had bad parenting moments, and the only moments she had that were questionable was her going back to Adam so many times.  And pha-lease on Adam.  "I don't have to answer any questions. I'm just here because of the contract."  (rolling eyes)..

That fell into starting to watch The Bachelorette ... which I also have a ton of episodes (basically watching from the beginning of this season.)  And I'm just not sure if I am going to get invested in this season.  I'm trying to get invested, but ... I wasn't invested in last season of The Bachelor, so ... I never got invested in JoJo.

Although I thought this was a pretty cool shot....

The only way I'm going to get invested is if we have some intense drama UNREAL style.  Now let's side line to the show UNREAL ...  not so sure I'm gonna watch a second season of this either.  I liked the first season, but now it just kinda seems like two angry bitches and a jackass.  Meh.

But yeah .....

First - I skipped through a lot of the first episode.  Then guys started getting drunk and crashing JoJo's interview ... that was kinda funny.  Episode two and ... JoJo is fighting fires but she is NOT in regulation gear.  I mean - come on!  She looks like she's more equipt to start a wet t-shirt contest.

I do kinda like Wells ...  I mean, he was so pathetic at the whole firefighter thing...  I mean he almost NEEDED the EMS ... instead of being the Firefighter... and then he was really cute and funny making fun of himself and the whole situation later... I like he got the first group date rose.

Then there is the bro-mance going on between Chad and I think it's Derek - and their "these guys are are already so head over heels over this girl and no one knows her" ... and then the whole "she's going for the nice guys, but they are assholes!  We're assholes but deep down assholes..."

Gag.

I have to say ...... for once, I am a villian lover.  Only cuz I'm so not even invested in this season.  I'm like ...  will Chad make it to another week to make life hell in the Bachelor house?

Rose ceremony - Chad is all "oh well she gave him a rose cuz she wants America to think she does't hate short people."  I mean ..... bawhahahahahahahahahahaaha....

Who says that?

And leave it to me - to see the Alliance (World of Warcraft) Pin on the guy at ESPN ... "Bacholer Nation" ...

Okay so back in the day - Tori Spelling did a Lifetime Movie called "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?"  ... basically - about her being in an abusive relationship with a character played by Ivan Sergei...  he takes on the personality of other guys he knows, and keeps reinventing himself and preying on the same type of woman.

So ... the have a new movie out with Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei of the same name.  And you think... THINK .... just MAYBE ... it's a continuation of the previous movie.  Maybe Tori's character ended up getting pregnant by Ivan's character and somehow they end up in the same place years later when their daughter is grown up... and ... FUCK NO, that's not the case.  NO it's this crazy twisted Hamlet Vampire story of date rape and turning people into "Night Walkers" ...  um...

WHY would you name the movie the same thing - this should have been called "Vampires Eat Hamlet" ...  or something like that.  One was an overprotective concerned Mom who's daughter was sleeping with an abusive boyfriend.  One was a Mom concerned about her daughter because she was gay? And sure she was sleeping with a vampire, but Mom had no idea.  AND the vampire girlfriend was actually trying to PROTECT the girl by NOT changing her.

Strange ... just....... strange. Course I wanted to just turn it off - but I couldn't ...  cuz I was waiting for the main character to be turned into a Night Walker..... which did happen at the end.  Tori's character ended up dead on the beach eatten by the vampire asshole that "accidently" got turned when the vampire girls were trying to eat his face off when he was trying to rape the daughter at the Halloween party.  And then the vampire girlfriend and the daughter fight all three vampire girls and the vampire asshole and win, and you think they might be dead (or dying) and then the vampire girlfriend and daughter run off and the daughter gets turned so they can be together forever - meanwhile you wonder if Tori is going to be a vampire now, like the older guy in Lost Boys and just be the ring leader ... but nooooo ...  you do see the three vampire girls and the vampire asshole with their scars (I thought they were great healers?) from the fight that night a year ago - walk into a Halloween party ... so ... oh GAWD please no, there might be a sequal ...