Saturday, October 27, 2012

Chaos Ensues.....


I am up to my eyeballs in boxes  ........ EYEBALLS ..   We started moving on the 17th and we finished on the 24th.  We were just moving 10 feet down ....   from an upstairs apartment into the ground floor apartment directly below us.

Why would we do something like that?

Well - for a few reasons....

1: My kids like to run around and jump and stomp and it's hard to stop them, especially when one is autistic....  and I know how *loud* it can be below us....

2: My kids couldn't go out to play much, mostly because of the previous tenants in this unit (I will explain more of this later) ...

3: Dennis is in a wheelchair because he can't walk ....... because he can't walk...... up.... the...... stairs.  That's right... wheelchairs don't go down stairs easy.   This way he can go outside and take the babies to the bus and all sorts of things......  he can be more involved.

Our house is a little calmer thanks to my not needing to yell at the boys every time they have a temper tantrum kicking the floor or chasing each other up and down the hall cuz it's raining out and they can't go run around outside, and it's easier cuz I can just shoo them outside and tell them to stay where I can see them...... so they can run that crazy energy they have out.

And I'm thankful the crazy neighbors that lived here before are gone.  SO .............. glad.

The guy - we'll call him *Ed* ...  he had PTSD due to military stuff....  he was constantly going off and starting fights and yelling.  He would be outside yelling the f-word and various other profanities .. he didn't care that my kids could hear....  none of them cared that they make our life hell because my kids couldn't go out on the porch or go outside because who knew what a fight would start ...  I mean he was so irate most the time he'd be slamming the door, cussing up a storm, slamming things, breaking things...... it was like the Crazy Neighbor we had when we first moved here all over again.  Then he would scream their personal business outside.   For example, his wife *Mary* had a girlfriend named *Gail* and they moved into the apartment together at first.  *Mary* and *Gail* had a relationship *wink*wink* ...... and there would be yelling and screaming about *Gail* buying *Mary* battery operated toys *wink*wink* and how *Mary* was having dirty showers with an ex boyfriend ..... See ... *Ed* didn't move in until a little after the ladies did.  Apparently *Mary* and *Ed* patched things up a little but *Mary* and *Ed* had their relationship and *Mary* and *Gail* had their relationship and we caught *Ed* and *Gail* having relationships on the stairs!  So apparently ....  it was a not so happy tri-fold.   So *Ed* would often be on his phone yelling at the courts or the cops or whomever about some charges against him .....  and how they weren't allowing him his civil rights and he was going to call the FBI and the CIA and the President himself to fix it.  Yeah...... it was that kind of crazy.   And then they would sit there and spread their crap all over the outside lawn to the point where if Dennis did have an appointment and need to get down the stairs or down the sidewalk - he couldn't or they'd have to move stuff or if they didn't, he'd have to go in the grass.  It was stupid.  But yet they'd bitch - mostly *Gail* - if the kids tv was too loud.  Why should she have to sit out in her patio garden and listen to kids shows.  It should be peaceful.  If the kids played on the patio - stuff would fall through the cracks of the patio .... and they'd bitch about that.  And we all know - if my "Elephants" were running around ...... *Ed* would take a stool and bang on the ceiling leaving holes --- true story.    And when we did what we needed to move down here .... the manager of our place, we said how we were really glad they were gone and she said "He got kicked out of my office once.  I told them he was never allowed back up here cuz of the way he talked to me and yelled at me, cursed at me, and called me names.......but no one ever complained about them when they were here ....  but now, everyone is saying how glad they are that they are gone."   Well yeah, we were all scared of them.

They had some bad energy around them.  Baaaaaaaaad.

We're all glad they are gone.

And I'm glad that the move is done - but ....... OMG - unpacking is the devil.

Anyone want to come unpack for me? 

Actually - I could get help - but I literally have to go through everything.  Things are going to Goodwill!  I already condensed the kids toys down to ONE toybox (they had 3) ........

So I'm up to my eyeballs with boxes ....... and tomorrow, we have company coming from Wisconsin. One of my best friends (one of the five ladies I consider my sisters) ...  and my niece Ivy.

Ivy and Noah have been betrothed since Ivy's birth!  She's a year younger than Noah and taller....  and they were each other's first kiss.  Course, apparently their older brothers who have been friends since they were 3 - peer pressured them into it.......... but that's beside the point! ....

We are extremely excited for our company - not so excited about the moving mess that still exists .

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Let's be Honest ....

Let's be honest ........

I am feeling a little lost right now.  Do you ever find yourself lost  ...  who you are....  what is your purpose in life is? 

Who am I?

I don't even know right now.

A year ago I was in school - working towards a goal.  I'm not sure what goal - but I loved being in college.  Exercising my mind.

At the same time, I couldn't focus on the kids.   Deadlines for homework, constantly thinking of what work I had left to do....  How I was going to juggle and balance and get everything done.

Who am I?

Sometimes, most the time .....  I just feel like Noah and Nathan's mom.  Not excluding Calahan and Kaedyn....  but ..... they don't have ten times the appointments.

I answer the phone.

"Is this Nathan's Mom?" 

Yes....

People hear my story - the story of my life.   4 kids, 15 miscarriages, two kids with pretty extensive medical issues, a husband who is disabled now ...

Everything is on me....   it feels like the weight of the world is..........

....... right.........

....... on ......

.... me....

"You are such a strong person!" 

Am I?

"You have so much on your plate!" 

I do.  

I spent 75 minutes on the phone today with a social worker from the insurance company today ... well... yesterday - cuz it's 2am and I can't sleep. 

I slept for a few hours - but I can't sleep now.  Wide awake now.... 

Anyway - I spent over an hour on the phone today ...  talking about Noah and Nathan.   About their medical issues ....  and the funny thing is - we didn't even touch on everything that's wrong with them.  They have so much stuff going on - I can't keep it straight anymore.

All my kids, my family ....  everything I've had to deal with - medical history, past and present issues....  

ADHD, ODD, Unknown Bleeding Issues, Night Terrors, Sleepwalking, Dysgraphia, Broken Bones, Anxiety, PTSD from Bullying, Molestation,  Prematurity, Micro-Preemie Weight, Mosaic Trisomy 16, ASD, VSD, Natural Circumcisions, Hypospadious, Hernias, Jaundice, Sensory Issues, Speech Delays, Low Muscle Tone, C-Diff, Kidney Failure, Hearing Loss, Hearing Aids, Craniosynostosis, Dyslexia, 2-Vessel Cord, IUGR, Dandy Walker Variant, High Soft Closed Cleft Palate, Feeding Issues, Torticollis, Bifid Uvula, Russell-Silver Syndrome, Hypothyroidism, Failure-to-Thrive, Scoliosis, Undescended Testicle, Autism, Migraines, Brain Malformations, Dyspraxia, Non-Verbal, Eczema, Allergies, Bi-Polar, Depression, Military PTSD, Diabetes, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Asthma, daily injections for Nathan and myself, whatever the hell it is that is making my husband not be able to walk and all the other symptoms that is going on ........

That's .... not even everything.  That doesn't cover the stress, the confusion, frustration, financial struggles, worry, the IEPs, therapy, medications, screaming, fighting, everyone needs mom right now......

"God only gives you what you can handle...."

So why haven't I broken? 

"If you need anything, let me know?"

What am I suppose to ask for?  Money?   Can someone increase the amount of hours in the day?  The number of arms/hands I have?  Come clean my house!  But I'm not comfortable with people cleaning my house, it's not their mess, it's not their responsibility.   I can't get out of the house, we don't have the money.  I have no time for my hobbies, I don't even really blog anymore - vent, purge - because I don't have time.  Energy, that's a joke, right?  I live in pain - but I have to get up - every - day - and - push - on.  

I wonder ........  when am I going to break.  Isn't that enough to handle?  Isn't that too much?

"How do you do it?"

I get up everyday and smile at my kids, laugh with my husband, joke around and make memories.  I get frustrated, I get annoyed ....   I love my family and it's the hand I have been given.

If I could change one thing?  Would I?   Could I?   We wouldn't be who we are.  I love my family ....  

I just think I need to throw up my hands ......  and shout .......

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

What?? 

Oh we're moving?? 

It's 10 feet down (2nd floor apartment to the ground floor directly below us), but still....   let's pile on more .... more and more and more.....  

I can take it - I can handle it ......  I won't break.......  I don't have a choice....

I take care of everyone ......  who takes care of me.