13 Years Ago .....

Thirteen years ago this very moment, I was awake in a hospital room.  Nervous.  Scared.  Paying attention to every kick, roll, movement, and the constant beeping of my baby's heartbeat on the fetal monitor I had been attached two for about 58-ish hours.

Something would happen soon that would worry me more ...  his heartbeat would drop dramatically and they came in and threw an oxygen mask on me.

But yet, I was so exhausted, I did sleep.

It was the eve of the birth of my miracle.  My first miracle.

The Boy Who Lived.

How terrified can you be about the birth of your baby???

Well I was.

As is every parent who hears the words that break their hearts into millions of pieces when they are told "Your baby won't live" ....

There are more of us out there then you think.

I - however - was one of the "lucky" ones....

My little boy came into the world weighing only ONE POUND TWELVE POINT TWO OUNCES and THIRTEEN AND THREE QUARTERS INCHES. I was unaware, but the staff had been assured he'd die.

This is the only picture I took of him on the day he was born.

I really spent the first week of his life in shock I think.   I also think that's the first time I've ever admitted to it.  I know I cried behind closed doors by myself a lot.  I was sooo lonely while he was in the NICU but I was also afraid to leave his side.

Being a NICU parent is something that cannot be explained to someone who hasn't experienced it.  There is now way to explain the constant ups and downs of emotions, the full on emotional breakdowns of worry and fear that your child will die.  Having to come to terms with it if it happens.  Getting emotionally involved with other families and watching babies die.  Being so lonely and far away from home. Being at the mercy and schedule of the doctors and nurses.  Having nurses (not all nurses) act as if YOUR CHILD is not YOUR CHILD.  Having to ask permission to touch, hold, interact with your baby.  Having your life, completely and utterly put on hold.

I can put the above words to it, but just that little bit is not the huge impact it has because even with that - no one can even imagine.

My little itty bitty fighting miracle went from this ........

To this.....

Hope.....

Throw Back Thursday ...... Ode to Noah ......

I could cry ....

This morning's Facebook post on my Facebook.... 

Every year on this day for the last 12 years I start the spiral into the memories that proceeded Noah coming into the world.

It never fails.  Ever....  

January 28th and I'm thrown back 13 years ago .....  I was at the end of my 32nd week of pregnancy.

Pregnant - with a baby - that I didn't know if I'd be bringing home or not.   The baby that I'd been carrying and wanting so badly.  The baby I had fought for a long time.  And I loved that baby every moment I had him in my belly.  Every second.  I relished every movement, every kick and hiccup.

I was told he would die, there was no question about it.  We wouldn't bring him home.

But I had hope.  I did.  I hoped and prayed and believed every moment, but the realistic part of me had to face the reality that I might not bring home a baby.

So because of that, I had very little at home.  We had been given a changing table, we had been given gifts, I bought some stuff from Goodwill, and my mom got us a bassinet and a stroller/carseat combo.  But I got nothing new.  Everything was used, cheap....  and if I didn't come home with a baby, I didn't want to see any of it.

Every time I walked into the baby department in a store, I would touch little clothes and I would pick things up and carry it around at times....  but I'd always end up putting it back.  I couldn't ....just couldn't bring myself to do that.

January 28th was Calahan's first day of Kindergarten in public school.  I had been homeschooling him but knew that the baby was going to be a lot of work ...  so I didn't like the choice I made, but felt like the was the only one to make.

After I dropped him off at school, I drove myself to my DRs appointment.  I had a Non-Stress Test and blood pressure check.  I got there at about 8:30, and I ended up being there until after noon!

Here are the notes from that week....

January 28 – Full Moon - 2nd NST – Blood Pressure 153/96 getting high  - had traceable contractions, even threatened to get a shot to stop them  - and had one heart deceleration  …  Strict instructions to go home, and go to bed, and be back the following morning at 8am for NST number 3

January 29 – Full Moon – 3rd NST – BP 150’s/100’s L  Protein in the urine - Contractions every 2 minutes – Noah has SEVERAL heart decelerations -  DR is admitting me, gives me 1st steroid shot to mature Noah’s lungs in the office – can’t get the baby's Dad, so I call him.  Admitted in the hospital, start 24 hr urine test, fetal monitor   2nd steroid shot given at hospital.  Officially stuck in the HOSPITAL!  8th Ultrasound.

January 30 – Hospitalization – Noah had many heart decelerations and Mom’s BP didn’t get better through the night.  3rd steroid shot given in AM.  Officially Pre-eclampsic-  Not going home until after Noah’s born

January 31 – Hospitalization – 4 AM Noah’s heart decelerations are worse, they have my put on the O2 mask for 2 hours and put in an IV.  1 PM- Dr. comes in to do amino to check Noah’s lung maturity.  9th Ultrasound during Amino. Noah thought the needle was a toy and tried to play with it.  Fluid came out a pale yellow.  Instead of waiting the normal hour and a half for the results, we had to wait 10 hours.  Found out Noah’s lungs were almost mature and there was biliruben in the fluid.

February 1 – Hospitalization – DR came in AM and told us he was no longer giving us the the choice of staying or going to better hospital 2 hours away – he was sending us.   Transferred to Marshfield’s St. Joseph’s Hospital.  10th ultrasound was given, baby’s weight estimated to be 2lbs.  Blood tests taken.  DRs discussed, and came back with the news……. Emergency C-Section, NOW. (The Placenta was failing)

Noah Alexander was born February 1st 2002 at 3:45 PM
1 lb  12.2 oz  ~ 13 ¾ inches  ~ 26 cm Head Circumference
APGAR   4 @ 1min  ~ 8 @ 5 min

I remember calling my mom on the 28th and telling her what happened, and she said "Do I need to look for a plane ticket?" and I told her no no no .. not to worry ....   and the very next day I called her from the doctors office crying - she answered the phone and all I said was "you need to worry now" .... and burst into tears.

I have to say that Noah's pregnancy, his birth, him being my first Preemie....  it was all traumatizing for me.  It was all worth it, don't get me wrong.  I wouldn't change anything of it except maybe one thing....  but I'm so thankful to have this little boy in my life.  In our lives.

Day 42 of the Red Spotted One........ Review of the Progression ...

The RED SPOTTED ONE ..... yep that's me.....

I post collections every now and then - through instagram - on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr...  of my spottiness....

Why?

It's so groooossssssss ...... 

Yeah try living with it.

I post because I need someplace to look back and remember.  I do remember when I got it as a teen, I remember it was all over my face and my face itched so bad.  I got it on my arms and I remember getting it under my boobs which left scars under them.  I don't remember how bad I broke out.  But I know it wasn't this bad.  Also, I don't remember if it was "plaque psoriasis" or if it was the "guttate psoriasis" I have now.  I do know that I get it on my elbows EVERY SINGLE YEAR ... And I might get a very very very minor break out here and there.  But it's nothing serious.

Until now.......

And I'm glad that I'm recording it and keeping track.  It started out on December 17th with this......

Some spots on my face and a couple on my neck/chest area.  The break out actually started on the 15th when I thought I was having a break out of acne... I took this picture to show my girlfriends I don't have the Snow White skin they think I do.

Then it progressed to this ........ Day 3

Just little dots on my face, chest and upper legs ....  Went into the DR and he thought I might be getting a second reassurance of Chicken Pox.... he told me to take antihistamines, treat the itching, and that I was in quarantine.

Day 4 - no blisters though ....  But now it was on my face, chest, upper legs, and my back....

Day 10 .... I managed to get it to clear up a bit on my face with steroid cream... but it was now all over my legs, and still on my chest.  And it's starting to HURT ...

So I ended up going back into the Doctors....  he basically told me it wasn't chicken pox (wasn't blistering) ...  and that it was some sort of rash LIKE the chicken pox and I needed to stay in quarantine and doing what I was doing .... he gave me a 6 day burst of steroids though.

Day 13...  all over my back, in my scalp, all over my legs but still pretty much gone on my face.

Day 16 ......  It's starting to merge onto my shoulders now .... definitely in my scalp ...  legs hurt ... back hurts .... it ... all... hurts.....  and itchy, OMGosh ...

Day 24 ....   It's starting to come back on my face now, and you can see it in my hair line.... it's wrapped around from my back to my belly and it's creeping down my arms... .

Day 29 .... the spots are growing and getting bigger, they are starting to merge together... and I'm still getting new spots ... the only places I do not have the spots are on the bottoms of my feet and the palms of my hands.

 Day 33.... just ugh....

Day 39 - the top left corner is an example of the spots merging together ....  they are still growing, still getting new ones....

Day 40.. the other night I was hurting bad behind my ears ... so I took some pictures so I could see and I found out it was WAY worse on my face and sides of my face and neck and all that.... I was actually shocked... :(

Day 41 (yesterday) ....

It's come down to the fact that I am totally connecting the dots and making pictures with my spots.  Like you do when you are traveling and there are nice fluffy clouds in the sky ....

I have a hard time sleeping.  The house gets quiet and it's just me and the cat watching Celebrity Big Brother... while I fight the itching and try to ignore the awful stinging skin and pain ....

 Today ....  I took a bunch of different pictures.....   Oye... just........ OYE .......

I actually kinda want to take a knife and use it to scratch my skin.  Like DB's wonderful trusty culinary school knife that I could just peel my skin off of ....

Seriously - the 5th of Feb cannot come fast enough.  It just can't.

I feel like a leper, I don't want to leave the house, DEFINITELY don't want to be seen in public, and OMG - the only place I can have my hair up off my skin is at home, if I go out in public with my hair up (which is about the only way it's comfortable) .... yeah ... scary biznits...

Oh yes, and let's address the fact that my skin feel like it has snake scales.  I have come to refer to myself as the Cheetah, the Leopard .... or just plain old snake.  I'm a snake.  Dennis said last night "you are cold" ... really I'm still running a low grade fever ... but my response?   "Of course I am, what else would you expect a snake to be?"

I don't know HOW my husband can look at me (but I'm awful glad he does.)  ...  I would probably be cheating on me right now (no I really wouldn't but ....  I think I'm gross!) ....

"OMG have you seen my wife?"
"I have to SLEEP with that! HELP!"

Oh and he is so cute.  "Honey, I swear they are getting better!"  HA HA HA HA HA HA ...

I feel like a dog with fleas.  Constantly itching and then wanting to cry from the pain that follows.

They say that ..... if it's covering 10% of your body, it's severe.  Well..... what the hell do you call this?  What is worse than severe?

Happy Spouse Day!

Today is "Happy Spouse Day" ....

Spouse's Day is a time to enjoy and appreciate your better half. You can use this day as a prelude or warm up to Valentine's Day, perhaps. But, its not as much of a gift giving event. Rather, use it as a time to show your spouse that you care and appreciate all of the things that he/she does for you and for the household. Over the long years of a relationship, its easy to take for granted the many things your spouse does. He/she's always there. They do so many big and little things as a routine event. So, take today to notice and to say thanks. As for the "enjoyment" part of the day...we will leave that up to you to enjoy your spouse however the two of your desire....  (Source: here)

I totally posted this tonight ...... although it was totally during the FACEBOOK BLACKOUT that happened.

My Hunky Hubby ...

I  ♥ how my heart bursts around you.
I  ♥ how we can be sarcastic and silly together - people listening in that don't know us, might actually think we hate each other sometimes... ha ha ha ....
I  ♥ how you can always make me laugh - even when I do not want to laugh.
I  ♥ that you can appreciate my humor and sarcasm, because not everyone does.
I  ♥ how incredibly patient you are with me—especially those days when I'm being stubborn
I  ♥ your cooking.  You have spoiled me for life.
I  ♥ when you send me love notes, even if they are few and years apart.
I  ♥ you make me feel beautiful.  No one ever has until you.
I  ♥ how you make me feel at ease, even when I can be so angry at you.
I  ♥ how I love you more every day that we are together.  How my love for you grows through all of our ups and downs and each year that passes.
I  ♥ it when you sing.  Sometimes, my heart bursts when I hear you.  And when you sing to me, oh be still my beating heart.
I  ♥ what a wonderful father you are.  I know you tend to beat yourself in the bad moments, but no parent is perfect, we can only do our best and sometimes the hard ass needs to come out.  You are a great Daddy.
I  ♥ how we have some of the same dreams.  The same goals.
I  ♥ how I thought we were so much alike, but I learn all the time how different we really are.
I  ♥ how supportive you are of me and my dreams, and I love to support you with yours.  Now if one of us could just make them come true!
I  ♥ that you ask me to sing with you, even if I don't want to.  I love that you ask me, and I love how you think I sing so well.  I do but... I actually believe it when you say it!
I  ♥ how you say you love me.  During the day looking deep into my eyes so I know you are serious, how you do whisper sweet nothings to me when you think I'm asleep - sometimes I'm not and I do hear them.  Those are the best.
I  ♥ how handsome you are.  You are my hawt hubby.
I  ♥ you.  You may not be perfect, but you are perfect for me (well, except that one thing.... lol)
I  ♥ that you appreciate what I do.  Even if it's left unsaid.
I  ♥ how smart you are.  I wouldn't be able to be with anyone I couldn't carry on a decent conversation with or who is all about sports.  (But GO SEAHAWKS!)
I  ♥ that this list could go on forever.....

And so my love.....  I ♥ You.

I am going to put together a challenge for us for February.  I hope it'll help us grow back together on our journey past the last year.