Dear Children .... my Boys ...my daughter-in-law, my step-daughter, my nieces, my nephews, my Myra, my grandbabies... whoever you are in my life that I love and wants some advice on things from a Mom who loves all y'all.... (I talk directly to the boys but you change the nouns for you)
First I need to say, thank you for making me your Mom. I love you all so much, and in different ways, and yet, fundamentally the same. A mother's love for her children runs deep and strong, it's fierce and boundless... I love you to the moon and back and to the infinite reaches of all the universes...
I am not a perfect mother. There are things I have said that I would later regret. I have gotten mad at the drop of a hat and not given you attention when I should have. I am human, I do make mistakes, and I don't know evvvvvvverything no matter if you still think I do.
But my love for you is something that will always be there, no matter what, because I am your mother and you are my child. I might not like you sometimes, much like I'm sure you have had times where you've "hated" me, but my love will never ever leave you. No matter what, if you are hurting I want to wrap my arms around you. I want to comfort you and take all the pain away, but I can't take it away, so I will listen, I will support you in every way I can, I'll smother you with hugs, and I will hurt WITH you .... and then when you are ready I will give you whatever advice I have that may or may not help in whatever situation it is. I will cheer for you when you are proud of yourself, because I will be too, in whatever it is - whatever obstetrical or hurdle you overcome or thing you have accomplished. I will cheer you on for those little things that you don't realize are big huge things.
If you make bad choices, I'll help you learn from them. It's important that you own up to your mistakes and be honest about them. Things will go so much better when you are honest about them. People may be mad, you may have to own up to hurting someone... but you'll be respected by more people if you are honest. I get how scary that is, but being truthful right away will keep the guilt and worry from making you sick. Once you lie about stuff, and the truth comes out later, you are no longer trustworthy. If someone (or more than one someone) can't trust you, then things and life will become a lot more difficult with people. Your character is a huge part of your life. Be the good, kind person I know you are.
Always know, and remember, that I am always around if you need to talk! If you need to cry, vent, if you need a pat on the back.... I want to know your feelings and be there for you if you need a shoulder to cry on or a cheerleader in your corner! You might have to tell me not to get mad, and let you talk - and usually I'll stay centered. Can't say I won't be mad or upset, but I always want to know and hear about everything you want to share, I want to hear about it.
I want you to learn who you are, and always be true to you. Do the things you find happiness in doing... if you can find a way to make that thing you love doing so much into a job where you can support yourself ... then it won't ever feel like "work" but just something you love doing.
I would also like to add, for my step-daughter, that by all means - I love you too. I know that we haven't even gotten to start a relationship at this point in time, but all the words above and below are as much for you as the boys. Your Dad and I do not see lines between who is who's is who ... we love you all the same. I may have written this specifically for the boys but only because in this moment we aren't allowed to have much of a relationship with you. I know your mom is doing what she thinks is right, but I can't exactly get behind it. I think you should be able to know all of the people who love you. So please anytime you see "he" insert an "s" in front for "she" ... 💙💛💚💜💗
And I hope they all share my words, someday, with my grandkids.... my nieces and nephews, and my Goddaughter (also my niece) Myra ...
Words for my children on important days of their lives ....
Birth : Today you were born, and I cried... with each of you. I cried with joy and happiness and relief. I cried because I had you and my heart grew and swelled with love to accommodate all four of you. I may love each of you for different reasons, but I love each of you the same - no more or less than any of your brothers. Each of you amazed me, just watching you. Each of you were such a gift and a miracle. I got to watch each of you discover the world, and figure things out, learn to coo and smile and laugh and sit and crawl and walk and discover tastes, textures, and things that you really loved at whatever ages... I laughed, I cried, and I will love you for the rest of my life ....
Turning 5 : This is your first big step into independence. Sure you were in pre-school but this is bigger. You have a lot more independence in kindergarten. Plus 5 is a big age, it's like you move from the "toddler" realm into the "little kid" realm. It's hard to call you a "baby" now and even if we did, you'd tell us you were a big kid now. But you still need to remember your fundamentals, and I'm not talking about ABCs and 123s ... although those are good to remember too! I'm talking about remembering to say "please" and "thank you" .... you need to remember to share.. you need to listen to your teachers and the authorities at school, follow the rules, but don't be afraid to be who you are. Remember to always include the kids who don't seem to be included otherwise and don't bully anyone. Always have a kind word. If your friends are all being mean, it doesn't mean you have to. If they are being mean, it's time to re-evaluate if you should be friends with them. School can be tough, both academically and socially. But remember to play hard, get dirty, pick up bugs and don't be afraid. Get messy when you finger paint! Enjoy your naps because you'll miss them when you are older.
Turning 10 : You are double digits now! Big milestone in your life! Of course you are older now, not even close to being a baby, you are stuck between being a "big kid" and a "young man" ... Once you hit "young man" though, you'll be there for a long time. Of course with the tween phase, you'll start noticing changes to your body, and it's okay if it freaks you out a bit. The hair, the weird body smells, your growth - it's all normal. Looking girls and feeling butterflies in your tummy - it's all normal. It's all weird and very normal. You are going to start being interested in girls, like wanting to kiss them.... but you have to remember that you should ask a girl if you can kiss her. They might not be ready for that kind of thing. I wouldn't want anyone to kiss you if you weren't ready. Now you are going to want to do your own thing. Mom and Dad aren't all that cool anymore. It's the years of signing and rolling your eyes behind our backs because we're old and we know nothing phase.... but we do know. Just please keep talking to Mom & Dad. You can talk to us about anything and everything. We'll always be here to listen to you.
I feel like this is a good age to bring up the fact of bullies. It is very common to be bullied and the schools all say they don't tolerate it, but in all honesty, a lot of them (most of them) do ... This isn't what we (as parents) want ... but it is a reality. Don't be a bully. If you are being bullied, tell your parent(s) ... it is important, for you ... Most importantly, stand up for those who are bullied. You don't have to be friends with someone for you to stand up for them, but if they are being bullied, maybe you should be friends with them. You never know how much kindness will change someone's life. You also never know what you can find if you do befriend someone who not a lot of other people are friends with. Friends should be about quality, not quantity. And if you are not allowed to speak your mind, and if your feelings and thoughts aren't heard and if you are expected to have the same thoughts as someone you are friends with .. they aren't your friend.
Turning 13 : You are officially a teenager! Congrats!! Can you imagine - many years ago, you would be "marrying" age. Thank goodness that's not the case anymore! You are definitely walking into the "young" man stage of your life. Almost like a very mini adult. Things, choices, you do/make now will have reflection on your future. Don't think that just because you are a kid and under the age of 18 that you can do whatever and it'll all just go away... because it won't. Beyond that, oh wow.... so much. Question everything, figure out how stuff works or why, and don't be afraid to dive in deeper to learn more. Because learning is AMAZING. Remember everyone has the right to their opinion. It's okay to see things differently, it doesn't change the fact that you like someone as a friend if they have a different point of view. Life would be boring if everyone agreed on everything. Listen to and respect other people's opinions and views. People in your life, including your friends, are going to make mistakes. Hear them out, listen to their explanations (even if you think it's a crock of crap) and forgive them. Don't forgive them for them, forgive them more for yourself because when you don't, it digs at your heart and makes you bitter towards people who don't deserve it. Write down the important things happening in your life. Take pictures. You'll cherish being able to look back on the memories with your friends. Just live your life right now and don't be too hard on yourself. At this point in time, I hope you are starting to make friends that will last forever. Sadly ... you might begin being pressured into doing things that you'll ... in your gut ... not want to do, but that you don't want to say no because they are your friends. Things like drugs and drinking and breaking the law. I can only beg you not to do these things, they are all destructive behaviors that will impact your future so harshly ... and if they are REALLY your friends, they'll respect your choice and not pressure you. If they continue to, they aren't really your friends.
Sweet 16 : You are 16, I can't believe it. You can drive and really gain a lot of independence once you do, but there is no rush. Take your time and don't rush into being an "adult" ... you'll have the rest of your life to do that, just enjoy these years while you can. High school is one of those things that the experience can be wonderful, or horrible, or right down the middle leaning either way... I'm not sure any adult can really give any good advice on high school other than, study hard. Do your homework. Try to get good grades. Be a sponge and take up all and any information. Join at least one club, or more if you find ones you like! Be genuine to who you are. Care about others, smile at everyone walking down the hall, make eye contact, a smiling face is always a welcoming face. Try to talk to everyone, you might find some really cool people you wouldn't otherwise know. Listen. Be excited and joyful in other student's achievements. Don't be a bully, of any kind. If you are alone, don't worry about it - work hard instead. High school shit doesn't matter in the long run of life. Once you graduate, you never have to look back.... ever. Don't try to make anyone like you. People who are worthwhile will like you for who you are. If they don't - it's their loss.... cuz I raise some pretty freaking awesome kids! NEVER assume something is true that cannot be supported with good, empirical evidence ... kids will try to convince you of some utter crap ... not only about other people but things they think they may know. People can be convincing and be talking out of their ass, and really know nothing.
Turning 18 : It's official .... you are legally an adult. You can vote, you can smoke, you can sign legal documents, and you can be tried in the court of law as an adult (thought that could happen as young as 13 depending on the crime) ... you can pretty much do anything but drink and go into a casino... 18 is a HUGE milestone in your life because it is the calumniation of so much.... but my dear son, life will always be there and you don't need to rush. There is plenty of time to live the adult life, you literally have the rest of your life. You are most likely done with high school, or close to being done, and your life is going to change drastically. Suddenly, you won't be seeing your friends (from school) every day. You guys will most likely be splitting up and going in different direction, going to different colleges, or starting different paths of life. Friendship is about quality, and true friendships will last... and some people get so caught up on the quantity of friends, and that's not friendship. True friends will be there when you need them, with some exceptions that might not be in their control. Though the friends that can and aren't there, that's something else. You should really examine those friendships and how much they really mean to you when they can't support you. Practice Empathy, you really don't know what's going on in the lives of others. Practice Self-Love because learning to love yourself is beyond important. Remember it's okay not to have everything figured out! There are forty-year-olds who don't have things figured out. Learn to cook! Learn to do laundry! Learn to pay your bills! Learn how to survive just being you and don't depend on anyone for anything. It's good if you can and do have a support person, or people, and utilize that if you can, but if you can be self-sufficient it's never a bad thing. Go to college, education will take you so far in life and open so many doors!! Be involved in college, pledge the greek system if for nothing more but for the experience! Don't sweat the small stuff.. things that seem like they may be the end of the world, they aren't even close. Just give yourself a break... you'll figure it out.
* If you can take a year off and travel cheaply - do it! See things and be places!!
* Be YOURSELF — fearlessly and unapologetically... don't waste your time trying to get people to like you... if they don't, they aren't worth your time.
So you are 21 now : It's all about the partttty! No, it really isn't. Drinking is over-rated, but then again, I never really did it. I did have that short time in my life where I did but not really ... lasted a few months, really, and that was it. I have had a wine cooler now and again... So let me start by telling you a few things that are really important. 1: Money is NOT nor will it EVER be the answer to anything. 2: Fame is NOT nor will it EVER be the answer to anything. 3: Finding love and getting married or just having a life partner is NOT nor will it EVER be the answer to anything. 4: No one is coming to save you, you have to save yourself. 5: With all that (3 & 4) said, love is an amazing fulfilling thing, and you need to experience it, sometimes multiple times... don't shut it out because of a bad breakup. Every relationship, friendship or otherwise, you will grow from and even if it ends, it'll be a life lesson. Don't hold friendships or romantic relationships on a pedestal ... have real expectations, no one is perfect, people will make mistakes - sometimes that hurt you a lot. Put yourself in their shoes, think about their side of it ... in the long run, does it really matter? The good things to remember ... Look for good people, and keep those good people in your life. You are the company you keep. If you are a good person, you'll attract good people... who knows, maybe you'll help change someone's life. Whenever you feel wronged, pause and consider if it was really, honestly personal, and 9 times out of 10 the answer will be ‘no’ and you’ll feel better instantly. When something wonderful happens in your life, reflect on what you did to make it happen and allow yourself a moment of praise. Congratulating yourself, even going out to celebrate, is a wonderful feeling. Treat yourself! Don't be afraid to. Whenever something goes wrong, ask yourself what you did to cause it, be honest in your answer, and make a change... sometimes nothing you did caused it, sometimes it was through someone else's actions. If that's the case, go back to the question of if it was personal... if not, try to let it go. It's not worth it to hold grudges and/or hate people - 9 times out of 10, it's pointless and really only hurts yourself in the long run if you carry the angry, hurt, or grudge (or all three.) Try new things! Don't be afraid to push yourself out of your comfort zone, broaden your horizons! Practice gratitude every day, think of those things you are thankful for ... the roof over your head, the money to pay your bills, the food in your belly, amazing family and friends ... Be young, but don't be reckless. Don't live by the philosophy of "YOLO" (you only live once) ... because mottos like that are excuses for bad behavior. Yes, sure, we don't know how long we have on this thing called Earth... and you should Carpe Diem, but it's not an excuse to act badly or be reckless, doing so - may effect more than just you. Actions can and do have ripples that don't effect just you ... so remember that... You is kind, you is beautiful, you is important ... don't let anyone ever steal your shine.
As you get older : ... and you hit more milestone ages... you'll realize when you hit that age... you don't feel "old" and what you considered "old" when you were younger, it's not that old. No one FEELS old, I mean - we feel old when our bodies start failing us, but no one sees them self as old. We are just.... literally ... that many revolutions around the sun ... age really is JUST a number, and it doesn't matter ...
BEST ADVICE:
There is NEVER a good time to get married, buy a house, have a child, etc. Don't ever put stuff off until "I get that next big promotion," "my bank account reaches... (insert number)," or whatever thing you are putting in the way of doing something. There will always be something else to wait for before making that big leap that is scary. Be honest that it's scary and that's what's holding you back. Because you are never going to be able to do those things if you keep putting obstacles in your way. Just don't do it. You will end up regretting it in the long run. Things have a way of working themselves out.... so enjoy whatever big thing presents itself and don't worry about the details. If you want something enough, there are ways to make it work.
Graduating High School : How'd this even happen? How are you old enough to spread your wings and start to fly? It's scary for me, and I will cry. A LOT. But know how proud I am of you. Do new things, see new places, go to college! Education is amazing and it shouldn't stop now! After you have graduated, I urge you to sit down and write a list of things you want in life. It doesn't matter how far fetched, or silly it may be.. because the list is only for your eyes unless someone becomes important enough to show it to. So work on this list... a bucket list of sorts... do you want to get married someday? Put it on there. Want kids? Put it on there. Want to travel to France? Ireland? England? Italy? Mexico? Put it all down. Do you want to write a book? Take amazing photography? Have an art show? Swim with the dolphins? The options are endless... Each year, say on the anniversary of graduation, or your birthday, pick any date... pull the list out, reflect on it, see how many things you can cross off. Life goals are no joke! I can honestly say, when I graduated the biggest thing I wanted to be was a Mom. I didn't think it would happen because - honestly - I was sick and it was hard to think that anyone would really want to be with me. I had decided I wanted to be a nanny but I wasn't sure how realistic that goal was with my health. So yeah, make some life goals. They might not all happen, but it's good to have goals and dreams. Even if they might not happen, like going to the moon ... but you never know. Things happen. Don't create a five year plan, or a ten year plan... create a life plan. Don't use time limits, it creates too much pressure. If it takes you longer to finish college because you had a bad semester? Something unfortunate happens and you have to take some time off, and then you feel like a failure because you can't meet that five or ten year plan ... it's pressure you don't need. Just don't pressure yourself so much.
Serious Relationship : When you choose to be with someone, do it right, be with them and only them. If you aren't in a serious relationship, do you! Once it hits that serious mark, you need to make sure you are committed. Be loyal to your significant other. If there is someone else, do the right thing and end things. Don't say "I'll never hurt you" because that instantly makes you a liar, no one goes into a relationship expecting or wanting to hurt someone, but hurt is bound to happen. COMMUNICATION is the key to life. Listen your significant other, don't zone them out. It's wise to take turns talking ... and when it's your turn to talk, you say "what I heard you say was ...." and then you say what you need to say, and when you are done - then they say "what I heard you say is..." and back and forth until you guys figure things out. Don't change for anyone, if you want change, make sure it's for YOU. If you change for someone else you become resentful and unhappy. There is a difference between being true to you, and doing things you'd like to do... and being told you can and can't do something when you are in a relationship. On the same token, when you are in a relationship, you should be doing things together... if one of you is invited somewhere, both of you should be invited because you guys are a unit when you are seriously involved. Love that person you are with - with everything you are. Show them you love them in whatever way you can. Realize there is a fine line, though, between respecting their boundaries if they have some, and being closed off yourself. If there are things you love doing, and they tell you that you can't do that anymore, then maybe it's not a relationship for you. Don't rush into marriage, however - there is nothing wrong with it.... and ultimately it is your choice, no one goes into a marriage thinking divorce, but unless you are willing to put in the work with that person... don't get married. If you are already fighting a lot before getting married, maybe that's a sign you shouldn't. Maybe it's a sign that you need to be more present and listen. There is nothing wrong with seeking counselling either.
Heartbreak : It's going to happen. At some point - there will be heartbreak. Grieving a relationship is the same as losing someone... but you could run into them somewhere and have super awkward moments. But don't focus on that. The typical girl break-up story is eating a ton of ice cream, watching movies that make you cry and not answering your door, and when you are ready, a lot of man hatred. The typical male break up consists of beer, your friends slapping your back telling you that you are better off cuz that girl was psycho ... and encouraging you to go home with someone to have sex with and then you'll be over it ... though, I might be watching too many movies. Regardless, there is no way to truly avoid heartbreak because is comes in so many forms. Career/Job, friendship, relationship, all kinds of things... just know you need to take a minute to process it, and eventually - you won't think of it anymore - but no one can tell you how long it'll take, or how exactly it will effect you because no one can predict that.
Jobs : It's hard to listen to other people but that's what a job is. You need to do what is asked of you and do it well and quickly. If you don't know something, ask for help! If you lose a job, there is another. If you do things to the best of your ability, no one can fault you for that. But sometimes you have to be honest with yourself and realize, it might not have always been to the best of your ability and sometimes you just need to own that. You aren't doing yourself justice by making excuses. Know that, if you love your job, or love what you are doing, you'll be excited to go into work and you'll be excited to do what you do.
Collage and/or After High School : What do you want to do with your life? Do you even know? Remember, just because you didn't get good grades in high school, doesn't mean you won't excel in college because they are two extremely different environments ... I highly suggest TRYING college at the very least. You might find that outside of the whole high school bullshit drama crap, you actually enjoy learning. Don't take life too seriously, remember to have fun. There is no time limit on college... don't over stuff those credits... it might be a happier place than high school, but college is it's own beast with hard work. A lot is expected of you. But it is an amazing experience. One of the hardest lessons to learn is to live with-in your means. Credit cards are so tempting, but taking on loans for school is hard enough. YES, keep a credit card or two for emergencies can be a good thing, it'll build your credit, and be good if you can get them. Buying a cheeseburger is not an emergency. Drinks at the bar for all your friends, not an emergency. That gorgeous dress that costs $500 for one night ... eh, nope, not an emergency.... oh right, I have boys .... that latest game system, not an emergency. Sadly dad and I can't pay for your education, we wish we could, so it's going to be on you to get it - I'm hoping we can help in other ways, and support you in all kinds of ways. But most important, the thing I want for you the MOST is for you to just have fun in college. Pledge the Greek system. If for nothing more than an experience. Join some clubs that might interest you... do acapella and I'll love you forever... regardless, enjoy the moments and don't let them escape you.
Wedding : You're getting married .... I hope you never get tired of me saying I love you, because I love you and think about you every day of your life if you are with me or not ... and today, you are starting a whole new phase of your life. You aren't just YOU anymore, you are a WE. Nothing you ever do anymore is going to just be about you, because it doesn't only effect you and you need to remember that. I still see you the day I brought you home from the hospital. I remember the sleepless nights and awesomeness of watching you grow into the amazing human you are now. I will miss those late night talks, discussing your hopes and dreams ... and even your fears, and I will always be there to listen, but those talks are meant for her first. I'm not going to be the first person you turn to anymore, and I'm okay with that. Be a good husband, love her fiercely. Listen to her hopes and dreams... and her fears, and really hear them. Take time to be intimate, and that doesn't mean sex all the time. Cuddle. Watch movies with her, yes those chick flicks! If you want her to watch the movies you are interested in, you have to watch the movies she's interested in. Be her best friend. Don't forget to date her! Just because you are married doesn't mean that you should stop dating her. No one goes into a marriage thinking divorce, you go in thinking it's forever... but there will be hard times, times when you want to quit and throw in the towel... but if you get married, you need to know that you have to work on your marriage. It's not easy, there is no such thing as "happily ever after" in the sense that it's going to always be perfect happy times. Marriage, a good marriage, takes a lot of work. Communication is the biggest key to a happy marriage, listen to her and she'll listen to you. Share things you wouldn't tell anyone else. Always be honest. If you are mad, say so. Realize that there are times when you both will turn to a friend or loved one to vent about things and be so mad you might say you are done - but honestly, you just needed that time to vent and get out those harsh feelings and come back to your spouse in a less hostile way where you can - hopefully - talk things through. It's going to happen. Instead of being mad they turned to someone for clarification, or comfort that isn't you... be thankful they had someone to talk to. Do not ever ever ever turn to an ex for that venting/comfort because it will do nothing but cause HUGE problems in your marriage. And remember, why and how you fell in love in the first place. A list of things you should do in your marriage.... (list isn't compiled by me , but I did add to it, and I think they are all great things to remember...)
- Never take her — or anything — for granted. Be grateful every day for the life you have and the love you’ve found.
- Do something nice for her every day, and thank her for something at least once a day.
- Remember that marriage is not a competition except for this one thing: try to out-love one another.
- Embrace her neuroses. That is, should she have any.
- Respect her. Respect her. Respect her.
- Communicate with one another clearly, calmly, and constantly.
- Listen to what she has to say and put yourself in her shoes while she’s saying it.
- Make time for each other.
- Tell her she is beautiful every day, if she didn't know it before, she'll know it eventually and she'll start feeling it.
- Be in the moment when you’re together. Concentrate on one another, not on your work or your smart phone.
- Hold hands every chance you get. There is nothing wrong with a little PDA.
- Kiss her unexpectedly, those are the ones that say the most. There is nothing wrong with a little PDA. (PDA = Public Displays of Affection.)
- Make love with one another as often as you can.
- Buy her flowers, or little gifts, just because. Write her a love note, a poem, a song or a quote that makes you think of her... she'll cherish it.
- Put the toilet seat down and pick up your clothes from the floor. Don't ever expect her to do all the cleaning, or laundry, or cooking. She'll appreciate it all very much and you'll be the envy of all her friends ... "what your husband does laundry!? Can I steal him?" "You don't nag him to put down the seat? Does he have a brother?"
You're Pregnant : When your significant other/spouse is pregnant, you may not feel so attached to the baby as your girlfriend/wife ... and that's okay. The dad doesn't experience the same kinds of things during pregnancy as the mom. But the five biggest milestones for a Dad is ... the positive "You're pregnant!" test ... the first time you hear the heartbeat (which might be during) ... the first ultrasound and especially the ones where the baby LOOKS like a baby and you can pick out hands and feet and face ... then there is the first time you feel the baby move through Momma's belly ... these are the things that will hit you the most and with each thing, it'll make it more and more real. You may panic during the pregnancy, how are you going to make it work? How is all this going to make things change. It's okay and expected to panic... you just need to take a deep breath and have faith that everything will end up working out. Trust the process, know that you can make it work...
If you know you want children, have them when you are young if you can... while you have the energy to play and chase after them ....
Let me also touch on Infertility and Miscarriage, of which I know a lot about. I lived it. Calahan and Nathan were natural conceptions, Noah and Kaedyn I was on fertility drugs, and Nathan & Kaedyn I took progesterone to create less of a chance of miscarriage. I have had 16 or 17 miscarriage (the last one not confirmed, but suspected.) .... Neither one of these issues are easy to deal with. You cannot blame your spouse ... because it is not anyone's fault. Fertility issues aren't anything but genetics and what you may be pre-disposed to have... Infertility - I honestly want to tell you to hang in there. Be open to possibilities. Be open to the treatments, and be open to adoption because it doesn't matter how you get there ... if you want a family, you need to do what it takes to get there. I mean - it does matter - it's not fair. Why do certain people have troubles when they would be the BEST parents and others who don't even want kids - get them - and treat them like shit or worse. It's not fair. In no way is it fair. It's hard, it hurts, an there are so many emotional issues that come along with them - especially blaming yourself or Mom blaming herself - and it's not anyone's fault. It's not. And sometimes - these two things can push you and your loved one apart, and sometimes it can bring you more together. The only real advice I can give you is this..... talk to each other. Don't not talk because you don't want to upset the other person because what if they are feeling the same way in not talking to you. You can always start out the conversation with "If you don't want to talk about this, let me know, I'll give you space, but I need to talk about it." If you don't talk, you will push the other person away. Because these things are the absolute hardest things you can go through as a couple. And if you (one of my sons, or nephews, grandkids, whom ever) ... are faced with the woman you love having a miscarriage, by whatever is inside me, do not EVER EVER EVER (please!) act like there was no baby, act like it didn't happen, because that WILL almost guarantee it will create the worst wedge you can ever imagine between you.
Having a Child of Your Own : With all that pregnancy stuff said, nothing is as life changing as holding your child for the first time just brand new. It'll be like the clouds opened up and swallowed you, swinging you around wildly while you hold on for dear life. You'll cry with so much joy and utter fear of raising this itty bitty helpless baby. There will be moments where you won't know what the hell you are doing and that's OKAY. If the baby is crying, make sure they have a clean diaper, full belly, burped, and are cuddled. There are times were all those things are met and they still cry. It's okay. It's okay to ask for help, it's okay to do crazy things, it's okay to call Mom at 3am because baby won't stop crying and you just need to hear someone tell you it's going to be okay and the baby will live. Cuz in the moment, it doesn't feel like either one of you will survive. It'll be okay. It will. Don't be afraid to hold the baby, s/he's not breakable. Change diapers, someone had to change YOUR poopy diaper, you can do the same. Support mom in every way you can, especially in the early days.... get her something to drink, something to eat, sit and take a breath together and cuddle when the baby is sleeping... TELL HER how much you love her, how beautiful she is, and how you admire her for being so strong. Don't ever let her forget. Let her go out with friends and you stay with the baby, give her a break, she deserves it.
Side Note: You cannot SPOIL a baby by holding them too much. There is nothing wrong with breast feeding or bottle feeding, or both. There is not right answer between cloth diapers or disposable diapers, yes cloth ones leave less of a food print on the environment, but sometimes you have to have the connivance... so it's okay to even use both. You want to co-sleep, that's great! It's okay not to. It's okay to co-sleep when you have to for your own sanity so you can sleep. There is no right or wrong answer to any of these things. Do what you and Mom think is best. Just be the best parent you can be, and it's alright when mistakes happen or you end up switching things up.
Step-Parent : If you enter into a relationship where your partner is already a parent... treat those children like they are one of your own. Don't treat them differently, love them like you would otherwise a child of your own and I know it's hard to grasp that concept sometimes, especially when you haven't had any children of your own, but even if their Dad is in the picture, don't make them call you Dad - or even encourage them to - once you know things are serious between you and Mom, sit the kids down together and let them know that they can call you whatever they are comfortable calling you - if it be your first name, or some form of Dad - you are going to leave it up to them.
Divorce : It happens. I know I've said it a few times, but no one goes into marriage thinking about divorce. Things went wrong, very wrong, and you are where you never wanted to be. You know that I went through a divorce, Dad went through two. Dad was my second marriage, and I was Dad's third. It happens, and no .... it shouldn't happen, but it does and it's a fact of life. Especially in this day and age when people get married like it's the newest trend and divorce is just as easy. But it's not easy... not at all. Splitting assets, if you have kids it can be a nightmare, and hating the person that was your best friend. But for any of that last sentence to happen, you have to let it. So why let it? The person sitting across from you is still a person, and someone you care deeply about. What? You hate them? PUMP THE BREAKS. In order to hate someone, you have to still love them. Hate is stemmed directly from anger. Anger is a feeling that you can't have without love. Okay okay, for whatever reason the choice has been made that you will be better apart then together. If you have kids, do not use them as weapons against the other parent. I don't care what happened, do NOT do that to your kids. Don't ask them questions about the other parent, don't say bad things about the other parent in front of the child, do not ever bring it up. Say your child says "Why do we have two homes?" you simply answer... "because Mommy and Daddy think it's best for right now. It's not your fault and if it makes you worry it's okay." .... don't sit there and go "Well your mom slept with my best friend" ... or yada yada yada ... just don't do it. It is not a ledge that you have to go out on. It doesn't matter if they other parent is doing that, don't do it. Be the bigger person, it is not the easy thing to be, but if you don't bring your child into it, most likely your child will be able to come to you about stuff that is worrisome, knowing that you won't make them feel guilty or like they have to choose a parent. Just keep it in mind. Now with all the kid stuff said, divorces are not fun, they aren't easy, and they are emotionally charged. It's going to take it's toll. All you can do put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. It's okay to take it slow.
Toxic Relationships : They are NOT worth it...relationships - no matter if it's a friendship, romantic or even family .... if the person in your life is dragging you down, making you feel bad about yourself, like you can't do something, calling you names or having an abusive relationship... it's toxic. Like anything toxic, you don't want it in your life. The hard part is coming to the conclusion that it's toxic and being able to make a break. There is nothing wrong with pushing those toxic people out of your life. But keep in mind, I'm not toxic, I just want what is best for you. I may not always know what that is, but I mean well.
Sudden Loss & Grieving : There are no words that can make this any easier. Loss & grieving in any way is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. There is no escaping this from happening, in some way, it happens in everyone's life. Time heals all wounds is true, time can make things easier and will become easier, but that deep hard loss never goes away. Never let anyone tell you how long is "long enough" to grieve. Everyone grieves differently and there is no wrong way to do so, and you shouldn't have to defend how you grieve, but sometimes ... people will question it. Reach out to the people who mean the most to you for a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold you up. The saying of "you'll learn who your friends truly are ..." is true. Sometimes those you thought would be there for you, aren't.... and the ones you least excepted are the ones that surprised by the most. Don't be afraid to ask for support. Don't be afraid to ask for help ... if you are just so overwhelmed one day, reach out and see if someone can bring you a meal. See if someone will hang out with you and watch a movie or something. There are no right or wrong answers. Let those who want to support you and show they care, be there for you. If you want to be left alone, that's okay too. If you want to go radio silence make sure those that are closest to you know that you just need to shut off your phone/etc for the time being. And remember ... you are loved beyond measure. Take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other - because, you got this.
