Do you know how sometimes, you just spend to much time ........ thinking?
I've been doing that lately.
I have been blog hopping today thanks to ICLW ........... and it always takes me back to my days of infertility, of all the miscarriages I have had ... of how thankful, grateful .... I am ... to have the four gremlins that I do. And as I sit here at 3am - unable to sleep, with my hunky hubby snoring beside me (still sick, it's been ongoing for well over a month now) ... finally pushing past my being sick (I hope! I have actually been feeling better today) ... I have been reading stories of journeys, loss, hope, success, excitement, and fears. It's amazing how it brings all those emotions you had right back to the surface. It's not something you ever forget, it's an experience that burns into your soul.
It's not easy....
I have four boys, I love them all the same............ I love them all differently. Calahan is my first born, my test child, everything was a first, for both of us... and continues to be. I can't say that every first happened with him, but all the normal ones did. He is my compassionate, caring, animal rights enthusiast. He loves to draw, and he loves to game. Noah I had a lot of new firsts with, ones that no parent should have to go through, but to many do. NICU, Medical Issues... being told your child will die.... baby so small it can't be explained... you just have no idea unless you've been through it. His brother was a miracle, surviving the miscarriage of his twin, however, Noah... he is my miracle. He is also an animal lover, only he is probably going to be horder in his older age, I mean, the boys wants every animal out there ... he was named completely right. He wants to do everything and do it now, regardless of if he can, and that determination is what has gotten him to where he is. You wouldn't know he has a rare trisomy looking at him, but once I start saying this and that...you can see it. Then Nathan comes along and shows me how I have more strength then I knew. Coming with his own set of medical issues, and his own smallness.... He has taught me so much more then I could ever teach him........ He is an amazing little kid and I wish I could share more of him with the world because everyone should meet a child like him in their lifetimes. He likes things just so, needs his sensory triggers, and he has gone from an always smiling happy baby to one who suffers migraines often.... but he is my cuddle bug. I can always count on him to come into my room and crawl into bed and just have some Mommy and Nay-Nay time. And then there is Kaedyn, my mini-me. He is my doppelganger... the male version of myself. He is a bully (though I was never a bully) ... he is opinionated and very vocal about it.... but he is the sweetest happiest baby ... excuse me... little boy. Now if we could only get Nathan and Kaedyn talking - we'd be all set!
Yesterday ... I was rehashing a story to my husband on how Kaedyn was in bed with me and Noah came in and started to be the drama king he is.... demanding something he had been promised that I couldn't fill and tried to explain he'd have to wait for Daddy to get home... he of course is impatient and wanted it done NOW... so we got into a bit of a sparing match to which I finally just told him to go to bed for arguing with me. Noah, completely deflated at that point because he knows when I get to that point he won't get anywhere with me.... he leaned on the bed and Kaedyn stood up on the bed and pointed out his finger and started shaking his 2 yr old fist (totally imitating me scolding) and he started mouthing off to Noah with is paci in his mouth... telling him off. I tried not to crack a smile. After all, I don't encourage this behavior.... of course, looking around innocently, I didn't discourage it either, as - like I said - I was trying real hard not to crack up. So Kaedyn is scolding Noah and Noah is yelling "don't yell at me Kaedyn," "stop yelling at me," "you aren't my boss," "I hate you," which quickly turned into "I love you Kaedyn, I'll give you this this and this if you stop yelling at me" ... all the while Kaedyn is totally laying into him....
I had to laugh.
My husband said "He acts just .... like.... YOU"
Ha ... snort.... I know that... but I don't have to admit it!
SO he said this same thing Monday night when he was telling Daddy off in bed. After all, I am all his. He doesn't share well.... please refer to the toddler rules. "If it's mine, it's mine.... If I see it first, it's mine.... If I have one like it, it's mine.... If I think it's mine, it's mine..... If I want it, it's mine........" and most of all... "Even if you have it in your hand, it's fair game to be mine!" ...
And just remember, I have two toddlers, and I kid you not......... I have seen some knock out drag out fights lately - with elbows being thrown, punches connecting ... and hair pulling.......
Do you know how hard it is to fight the urge to throw them in a pool of jello and charge admission?
Of course, I was only kidding about that........ I wouldn't use Jello ... Nathan doesn't like it and would be instantly disgusted, and Kaedyn would eat it ..... he eats EVERYTHING........
So back to my story ......
Hunky Hubby says "I am going to have a discussion with your Mother about this," and I laugh. Wish him good luck with that, and considered calling her right then and there... but it was about 10pm and I figured she'd be asleep... she's not like me and suffer insomnia now.......
So ... yesterday after he was home and she was home from work, I called her...... got on the phone, told her the Noah story and the one last night and how he said that he acts just like me. Then he said ...
"I am going to ask her if you were this Sassy and Mouthy as he is"
Seriously, I take offense to
"Sassy" and
"Mouthy" ...... I am
"Sarcastic" and
"Humorous"
My mom laughs and says "Yes you were"
So I acted all hurt "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM" I cried. "I was NOT!"
She laughs some more. She says "You are right, I'll tell him you were a perfect little angel" and I said I absolutely was....... then she adds "If he hears that, he'll accuse you of coaching me!"
So I hand him the phone and instantly he asks her....
Geez.....
And she tells him I was a perfect little angel and he laughs and calls her a liar.
He tells me later, he was going to accuse me of coaching her........ ha! It was obviously all her idea!
Yeah...... I love my family. :D
Regardless, I have been going through old blogs and looking at pictures of the kids from a year, two, three years ago. It's amazing how Calahan has grown into a young man, Noah had gotten bigger, Kaedyn is wearing clothes that Noah was wearing when he was SIX ... and Nathan has changed. It makes me sad ... I miss the babies, I long for the babies... but I love my little boys too. Nathan was so much different, though, he's changed so much. He's grown a lot, but he has gotten worse. And it's funny to realize the sensory things he did even then, that we just brushed off as him being silly ...
Anyway ....
And now that it's 3:15 am...... I am going to try to go to sleep........ for the fourth time tonight!
