Happy December ICLW .....

First off....... if you don't know what ICLW is, what rock have you been hiding under!?  Just kidding.  It was started by Mel ... The Stirrup Queen .... long long ago before cars were invented...... (Mel interjects:  NOT THAT LONG AGO) ....er....  sometime after cars were invented then.... after TV was invented... OH OH right, sometime after the internet was invented!  ::: Looks around innocently ::::  whispers to Mel...  No I was NOT implying you were old, I was just trying to be funny!

Anywhooooooooooooooooooooooo .....

Oh right right ........ GO HERE ......... and sign up if you want to join in the fun!  You blog hop on a list of participants ... a lot of them have been through a lot, and continue to go through A LOT, in order to just create something that a lot of people take for granted!  A FAMILY!  You don't HAVE to have suffered infertility to join the fun though - so GO JOIN!!

For those who have suffered, I have been there... I was on the infertility train ... for ... a .... long ..... time.   5 years.  Luckily, I suffered from Secondary Infertility so I had a little boy, who was BEGGING me for a little "sisser" ... to keep my mind off it.  Unfortunately - your mind becomes so wrapped around everything, and over analyzing EVERY symptom... no one knows how much infertility hurts but someone who has been through it.  Doesn't matter if you have other kids or not, if you feel like your family is incomplete, it hurts just as bad.

I know a lot of people who are going through infertility without having children yet, don't feel the same.  And I can respect that.  I would probably feel the same way.  But I know how much it hurt me, and how it crushed my soul.   On top of fighting the fight... I suffered 14 miscarriages.  Some of them, I have to say, were easier then others.  There were ones I was just so crushed and heartbroken, others I expected and was just pessimistic about... some I wanted so bad and ...

All I think about is....... if I hadn't lost some of those babies, I wouldn't have the ones I have, and I love my boys!  They were fought for....... With Calahan I lost his twin....and by some miracle he hung in there....  then the five years of secondary infertility happened.... got Noah and was told he would die during the pregnancy due to his rare genetic disorder... but he is my 8 year old miracle man!  Then suffered more infertility....  Then I got divorced, gave up on men, and met ... cheesy as it sounds..... the love of my life.  I can't explain how much I love the man.  We decided to give it a shot and got pregnant right away!  I honestly didn't think I was and it took my very persistent BFF to cyberly push me to the bathroom - literally - and when I was walking up the stairs back to my computer ....   and I looked down, and saw those two lines.... the world actually stopped moving.  Then the news came about his medical issues, and my world broke open and swallowed me whole. No one really knew how scared I was, but going through what I had already with Noah, in the NICU, all the medical stuff, knowing that - to this day - anything could happen and I could lose him .... and now, it was happening all over again.  Nathan's issues are different, but they are more severe.  They could be worse, don't get me wrong...  but I worry about his future.  I worry if he'll have one.  He is just such a ... vibrate little guy.  That's all I can focus on sometimes.  His list of medical issues, seems endless sometimes.  But he is certainly one of the five loves of my life.  Then....  we decided to try again - miscarriage on our 1st wedding anniversary and 2 weeks later, a little egg was implanting again.... a few days later, after an early morning wake up call from the SWAT team breaking in next door........ I got two faint pink lines ....... and that would be my Kaedyn..... healthy as can be.

I am proud to say I am an IF grad........ I hate that I can read your blogs and totally relate ... but I do.  No one should have to go through what we do for wanting one of the most basic things in life.

All I can say, is I wish one thing for all my friends suffering, for all the people suffering from infertility ... I really, truly hope, 2011 is YOUR year to be filled with buldging bellies, miserable pregnancies that will totally be worth it (and trust me, as much as you don't want to complain or are thankful for that life inside you, you WILL complain and you will, on some days, especially towards the end, be miserable-- it'll be a HAPPY miserable) .. .. and followed by nothing but dirty diapers, sleepless nights and payments of smiles and giggles and heart-bursting firsts!

If you want to read more of my blog, I have some highlighted posts on the left menu :)   Thanks for stopping by!!