I totally admit - I've been avoiding my computer... total computer avoidance ... I have been dealing with a lot lately and I'm not sure what is going on in my own head a lot of the time.
So - a few weeks ago I noticed the bulge on the right side of my belly. Now, I married to a chef in training who loves to make this food that is heaven, and I haven't lost any weight since Kaed was born, infact, I've gained. It blows, let me tell you... but what can I do other then what I am. *Trying* ...
So ... I of course, freak out... all sorts of things are running through my head, maybe one of those fibroids I had while pregnant has come back with a vengeance... and of course, that evil "c" word popped in my head... I mean it's that evil place we all travel to when something odd comes up.
So I became an ostrich. Avoided the computer, avoided my email, didn't talk to anyone I didn't live with really and just closed myself off and out as much as possible. I can't deal with this stuff. It makes conversations Dennis and I have about "what would happen to Cal and Noah if something happened and (God forbid) I die" ... I want Dennis to have them, to raise them - even though he isn't their biological Dad and I want them to have a relationship WITH their biological Dad, Dennis is their Father in every way other then biological. That's all there is to it. He would take them, and that is where I want them to be. But legally right now, as their step parent, he wouldn't have a say. So... maybe it opened my eyes into the fact that ... if (God forbid) anything happens to me, that needs to legally be possible.
Dennis got worried of course when I finally got it through his head of what was going on - he went straight to that evil "c" word and we spent the night talking and I was crying. I mean, I'm sorry but when the man you love with every fiber of your soul says to you "no matter what it is, I will stand beside you through it all, loving you" it makes you cry. It makes you feel loved. Situation sucks, and normally a person doesn't NEED to say that, it can be left unspoken, however... it's so nice and relieving to hear it.
Anyway - I finally managed to pull my head out of the sand and went in last night. It's a hernia. Since it's not symptomatic I don't have to have surgery yet. Yay for that, surgery and I don't mix well. So, the c-sections and pregnancies have weakened those muscles or whatever it is that holds all that in, and it pop'd through. Ahh she says, that's what that horrid pain was a few weeks back ... my insides tearing open to cause MORE issues... yay...
On top of all of that, my CFS is back... I'm having some major back pain right now, my legs are having a lot of issues, and I have a headache that is NOT leaving... I'm super nauseated, I'm two weeks late (and NO I'm NOT pregnant - Dennis got fixed) ... everytime I fall asleep, it's like I don't sleep at all but I sleep long and hard ... I cannot wake up, I spend most of the mornings the last few days just fighting to stay awake ... my energy level has shot so far down it's not funny, and I'm so forgetful right now. So forgetful. My arms feel like they weigh a ton all on their own. It sucks when you have to mentally approach movements just to do them...
My last severe relaps was December 2002 (when Noah was 10 months old) ... and lasted for several months, and now, I feel like it's happening again - a major relaps - and guess what - Kaedyn is 10 months old ... go figure huh?
I hate this crap - and on top of it, you hear about the CFS cousin Fibromyalsia (however it's spelled) all the time ... but not about CFS. The other night I was watching Deliver Me and I saw a Mom on there with CFS and I was shocked... I was like "OMG - she has what I have" ... and I totally related with her worries and fears during pregnancy and all that stuff. I even tried to wake up Dennis... when I brought it up he's like "Yeah, so..." and I am telling you "apparently you don't understand, I have never seen anyone on TV with CFS before" ...
So yeah ... anyway ... I'm struggling to stay awake right now. The babies are asleep - Kaedyn put a huge fight. I have dishes to do, but all I can think of is crawling back into my chair and just sleep - forever...
My mom is coming this weekend and my house is a mess right now. I just don't have the energy to fix it either, and Dennis doesn't have the time. He's back in school and he's working at night... so what am I going to do?
The boys are doing good though - Calahan got his 2nd cast off (he had to get a 2nd one because the first one was almost full arm, but the 2nd was just his hand and wrist, and most of his arm to his elbow.... so he could work on re-working his elbow muscles by bending it...
Noah seems to think the babies are his personal dolls.... I don't know what to do about it...
Nathan is doing well - he got tubes in his ears 2 weeks ago and he's doing well, you can see a difference but not a huge one. He was running a 104 temp last week and it even got to the point where they (the DRs) thought he might have H1N1 (Swine Flu) and started treating him for it, but it wasn't - thankfully! He's doing better, BUT ... he's been super crabby since then.
Kaedyn is just Mr I wanna grow up... he's doing so much and he's so happy - I love it ... he has started refusing his formula and baby food though - he wants to be like everyone else. He's clappinga nd waving and cruising furniture, he's eating anything and everything he can get his hands on... And his favorite thing to do, is to find wherever Nathan puts down his chocolate milk, and drink it as fast as he can...
Other then all that, life is pretty good :) I can't complain. We struggle, we do what we have to do to survive and we are happy - that's all that matters.
