Sadness of a Happy Birthday ...

Sadness ....  shock...   feeling as if you were just blindsided .... 

All things we've been experiencing this week.  Last week we got Mother's Day Cards for all our Mom's and a Birthday Card for my ex MIL (my ex husband's mom and the Grandmother of my older two boys.)

We filled them out ... signed them....  addressed and stamped...... and...... we live in an apartment - unless you catch the mailman, you have to find a mailbox.   So Saturday when my Mom left, I asked her to drop them at the post office - it was (sorta) on her way home... 

Sunday I went out ....   and I had spent 3 hours at a graveyard taking photos of some of the last little bits we can give our loved ones - the last thing - we ... the living ...  can give them.   Their gravestones, memorial stones.... the last bits of them left after we're gone ... the ones that remember who they are, the memories we had with them - gone with us.... for those who follow us to have a little piece of them. 

I hear some of you saying "how morbid" but in all honesty - some of these gravestones are beautiful pieces of art and affection for someone that was loved dearly ....

Baby Avery was obviously loved for 5 beautiful days, only one of many I saw

Beautiful crosses with intricate scrolling

 

 

 

Elsie Metta Lemke ...  she was only 25-26 years old, her gravestone is beautiful, unique and really caught my eye.

 There is the graveyard angel........ that upon my first visit I snapped a quick picture of, and upon returning found it had been knocked to the ground by compassionless people....

And the sad little angel of a little girl who was lost too soon ....

Mildred was only 11 months old when her parents lost her and created this memorial for her.

Then there were moments that caught me ...  like this...

Three sisters buried together

Those who fought and served and died for our Freedom.

I don't just do this for myself, I do this for a website called Find A Grave - where if you know the area your loved one was buried - you can search the database to see if there is a photo of that last memorial...  or request one.  As someone requested one - and I was out searching for them that day. 

It's funny .. I have been digging so deep into my Genealogy .... my husband's ...  my ex's for that part of my older two boys history ........

Found out that they are indeed related to the likes of  Henry III King of England, and his successors.... King Edward I, King Edward II, King Edward III.....  My (ex) MIL hadn't dug this deep into her ancestry yet and I was soooooo excited to share this with her.   She LOVES history ... 

Well, I tried calling her several times..  the kids tried calling her because they wanted to talk to her and to check on their Dad ..... 

Something was off.  I started stalking her facebook a little and noticed that her friends were starting to say "I/We Love You" and I recognized one name as her niece.  So I messaged her, the niece, on Friday... and explained we'd been trying to get ahold of her and gotten no response.  We were worried and seeing all these messages on her facebook really had me worried and so I just wanted to see if everything was alright. 

Sunday, after I got home from the graveyard and my ...... interesting adventure there ....  3 hours of searching, half of which with a grounds keeper trying to pin point the spot.....  only to find there was no headstone for this person ...  Kaedyn lost my cell phone, I pinched a nerve/pulled a muscle/hurt my hip....  but the dog and Kaedyn got amazing runs!  (And luckily my cell phone was found and returned to me - as my Aunt said, thank goodness for honest people!)

I sat down and opened my email........

Saw a message from her niece .......

Things are not good.  I'm sorry to have to tell you this ... but......... 

My heart sank, my heart broke ... and I fought back the tears ....... instantly ..... thinking ...

WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL MY KIDS????  

Last year she had a "mini-stroke" .... and then I guess on Thursday - she fell....  her boyfriend found her and she wasn't responding like she should.  He got her to the ER and they started running tests.  They believe (from my understanding) she had a stroke.  Upon more tests, they discovered a large tumor in her brain and sent her to Rochester, MN - Mayo Clinic - who did tests and found out the type of tumor it is, is completely inoperable because it's grows extremely quickly and had already taken over half her brain.  They said they believed (best guess I suppose) the tumor started in December.  They were shocked she was able to work as long as she did with it. 

There had been bleeding in her brain ...  I assume from the stroke, but I didn't press ...  the bleeding had stopped.  They said - best guess, if it didn't start back up, she'd have 6 weeks - tops.  If it started again, it would be a matter of days. 

With this type of tumor, she is in no pain ...  she's not suffering.   She'll sleep more and more and one time, she just won't wake back up. 

She was aware and able to communicate a little - although she is completely paralyzed on her left side. 

Last update I heard - she was no longer able to recall names, but she does still act as if she remembers who people are...

First thing I did was call my (ex) Father-In-Law and let him know.  They didn't have my number, I was certain they didn't have his.  If she dies .... the only link my ex has to the "outside world" is his Dad.  And someone needed to let my ex know.  I talked to him - broke the news - and then ended up hanging up with him, calling my (ex) Mother-In-Law's brother to get the details (stated above) and called my (ex) Father-in-Law back to fill him in and give him numbers. 

He called me yesterday to thank me - again - for thinking to call him right away.  He talked to her brother - he told my ex-husband who wasn't taking it well - which is what was expected ...  

How would you react to if you found out your Mother was dying and you couldn't get to her...... 

I would be devastated - but frantic if I couldn't be there with my Mom. 

Today ....... is her 59th Birthday ...... Today .... 

Every birthday you ask her "how old are you now?" 

And every birthday she would smile, with laughter in her eyes and say "I'm 29 of course!" 

When I turned 30, I looked at my boys and said "Wow, Grandma is younger than I am!" 

I was hoping she'd make it to today ....  I think she deserves to turn 59 ...  I mean 29, again!

I have been meaning to write this blog since Sunday.  Don't know if I didn't because writing it all down makes it more real ....  or I just wanted to wait until today. 

The boys sent her flowers ...  er... my mom sent flowers in the boys name... 

We were told she got them ....  but she acted like she didn't want them :(   It hurts a little.... 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY KIDS GRANDMA - to my Mother-In-Law (because marriage might make you family, and divorce doesn't change that) .... 

It's your last birthday - and we wish it wasn't.  Wanting it to not be true, wishing and praying for miracles - it doesn't always change it....  but we're taking a little peace of mind in knowing you aren't suffering.   I take a little peace of mind knowing she'll be up there playing with all her angel grandbabies too ...  making them laugh, and smile ... telling them stories and tales from life and the past .... 

I ask for prayers ........  prayers that she passes peacefully and quickly when her time comes.  Prayers that she continue to not be in pain and she just fall asleep like the doctors say ....  I pray for her to be loved and surrounded by her family in our absence (which I know she is.)

She is loved ...  she will be missed ....

Sweet Crap In A Basket .........

Nice title huh?  Ya know you like it.........

But that's beside the point.  Why?  Well ... that's really a long story that I've been avoiding.  And BECAUSE of that...... half my resolutions have gone out the window.... like, blogging everyday ... and ... taking pictures everyday ....... yeah.  Sometimes life grabs a hold and throws you a nice softball in your gut.

Which brings us to SWEET CRAP IN A BASKET!!

Yep, I think it's just going to be my new catch phrase.

So, we moved from Wisconsin, where we were struggling, to Washington ... with hopes, that a great job would be right around the corner and struggling would be a thing of the past.

Yeah, not so much.  We stayed with my Mom & Step-Dad when we moved here, for about a month ... got a beautiful place with crappy management for $1300 ...... we left at the end of our lease because we just couldn't afford it.   We had met some people and thought we were ready-made-friends.

She said something to me that should have sent up red flags, but it didn't, at the time.  Now, anyone who says to me "I just don't get along with females" or "I don't have many female friends" I'm just gonna turn around and walk the other way.  I've heard that twice in my life, the first person was my ex-best friend who helped break up my marriage (to my first husband) .. and even though I am thankful that I moved on from that relationship, she betrayed me in a lot of ways.  I am sure I wasn't completely innocent in the relationship with her, but I was at least honest and loyal to her ... she wasn't with me.  The worst thing about it, I do find myself missing the friendship we had ..... I miss her, I miss her kids...  I miss the bond we had and the friendship that I thought existed.  Now this time...  yeah.  I think I will miss the friendship I had with the new one, but I just can't go down that road again.  Maybe - it all depends.  I know that she was in a crappy situation and - I donno.  And I'm not going to get into the story in my blog, because ........ it doesn't seem fair on either sides.  They have their side, we have ours. 

Regardless, things didn't work out and I still love her, and I wish her the best, but ... I think things are to damaged at this point to repair anything.  Not that she wants to.  But... basically, two weeks ago, just after I gave her almost $800 for rent and bills for the month, we were "kicked out" and then it was taken back because he found out that since we paid rent, we were legally allowed to stay there until the end of the month.

So with that said, we've been staying at my Mom's to save on stress and feeling terrorized ...  We've been looking for places and looking and looking ... and ... Dennis has been looking for a job... and looking and looking........ and it just feels .........

So ....  we wanted out of there anyway - maybe it's a blessing in disguise .... and after some of the things I found out recently ...... I'm not sure I would want to be friends with them anyway.   So I'm just going .... totally ....... with this philosophy ...

So let's hope....  things fall into place.  We're praying we get this place, it's small - but we can make it work.  I am just so emotionally and mental spent, I have enough to hold together right now, to take care of the kids, DRs appointments.... and that's pretty much it.

A lot of people told us, including ourselves....... it was going to be a mistake to move in there.  We were hoping that it would be what we set it up to be...... a way to catch up on some bills, a way to get things done and then be able to set ourselves up to be successful ....

Let's just hope we can pick up the pieces and glue what we can back together.

It is nice to be blogging again.  Even though I messed up on not following through with my resolutions, I hope to continue what I set out to do from here on out. 

Prayers for Natalie!!

My friend Amber at Airing My Dirty Laundry One Sock At A Time needs some prayers!!!  Her adorable daughter Natalie (handful that she is) ... is the same age as Nathan (a month older) ...  she has had an abscess on her leg that they've been into the ER about a few times, Natalie started to run a fever and so Amber took her in...  they drained it, packed it, repacked it a few days later, and today she went into the DR to get it checked up on.  The news wasn't good, they were sending Natalie to Denver Childrens Hospital because of it and Amber is scared, as any mother would be and my heart is aching for her.  PLEASE take a moment to say a prayer for Natalie to get better QUICKLY and it not be anything major.

Amber you guys are in my thoughts and prayers and I want nothing but a speedy recovery for Natalie. 

Update:  Natalie made it home with her family on Christmas Eve and is recovering

Josie Brooklyn Duggar born 1lb 6oz @ 25 weeks

Yes you read that right.  Michelle Duggar had baby #19 last night - a new baby girl named Josie Brooklyn - she was born at 25 weeks gestation and was only 1lb 6oz.  Michelle was put in the hospital earlier this week because she was having issues with gallstones (something I can relate with, I had started getting pregnancy induced gallstone attacks when I was 9 months pregnant with Calahan and I thought I was having heart attacks, it hurt so bad.)  but apparently (according to a friend of a friend of the family) Michelle also developed pre-eclampsia and they had to take the baby out via emergency c-section last night.

My heart goes out for this family because I know what they are going through.  With Noah being born at 1lb 12oz and Nathan at 3lbs 4oz ...... I know how scared they are and how much they are praying.  We're all praying with you Michelle and Jim Bob.  

I actually heard about it last night a few hours after Josie was born, but wanted to see it confirmed just incase it wasn't true. 

This is what TLC has up on their website.   (Taken from TLC Website Here)  There is also an E! News article.

Duggars Welcome Baby 19

12/11/2009

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar welcomed baby 19 earlier than expected on Thursday, December 10, at University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences.
Michelle, who has been in the hospital recovering from a gallstone, was taken to the OR for an emergency c-section. Daughter Josie Brooklyn was born at 6:27 p.m. weighing 1lb., 6 oz.
Michelle is resting comfortably and baby is stable and in the NICU for extended care. The most important thing right now is for Mom and baby Josie to get as much rest as possible.  The family is grateful for all the prayers and well wishes during their recovery. 
Leave your well wishes in the comments and TLC.com will be sure to pass them on to the Duggars.
Looking for good information about preemies? Start with our preemie resource guide.
Did you have a preemie? Share your story here.

Watch this space for updates.
-TLC.com 

There is an EXTRA SPECIAL Angel in heaven today... Goodbye Kayleigh.

I was going to write some witty entry this morning - talking about bubble gum in my baby's hair, speeding to walmart and loving it... because I only got 2 hours of sleep last night and it helped lift up my spirit. About how I've been working on getting our menu for the next month done, and how I'm excited about some of the recipes. But I can't right now. I got on this morning, and I was talking to a friend of mine, she said "I'm so sad right now, my friend follows this woman's blog and this little baby died today - IUGR, Preeclampsia" and I went "OMG NOT KAYLEIGH" .. and I switched over to my blog, clicked on their link... and sure enough... the most recent post...

5/11/09 - Goodbye Sweetheart , for now ...

Everything else seems so trivial right now. They lost their little girl. I can't believe it. It hurts my heart in so many ways, because I understand, I've been there - my outcome was different, I got to bring not one but two NICU babies home. Our outcome could have been so much different though. Why couldn't they take her home? She was in the hospital for almost a year and wasn't home once. They were just talking about how they might be going home soon, as soon as she got off this medication, and that dream was shattered. I'm sure they feel peace somewhere under the utter heart breaking grief. They never lost hope, they never gave up.

Please say an extra prayer, positive thoughts/energy their way today, and for the rest of this week. Their journey isn't over with her yet. They still have to say that final goodbye. That .. is going to be the roughest.

This is the note I left their family this morning... (photo copied from their blog)

Aimee, Adam, Allyson & Brandon - my heart aches for all of you this morning as I read the news with tears streaming down my face. I just wanted to say that Kayleigh will never be gone, she will live on forever in a lot of people all over the world. She was and will continue to be an inspiration, and her spirit felt by many. There is nothing I can say to truly comfort in this time. We will all hug our children and think of you all, and of Kayleigh, we'll say special prayers, and our hearts will all be reaching out for you. The journey isn't over. There is an extra special angel in heaven today.

I am still crying... I can relate so much that it breaks my heart. She had been in the hospital for almost a year, born June 23rd. She would have been a year old next month.

Remember - her family is to be featured tomorrow on THE DOCTORS .... I'm sure they will pay a tribute to her, now.

I texted Dennis and told him, we've both been following the story. He even said he'd probably cry tomorrow watching the show, and that was before. Now... it's not even a probably. I couldn't call him, I didn't want him to misunderstand me, and I haven't stopped shedding tears. Again, I can relate - SO MUCH.

I will be sure to hug/hold Noah & Nathan extra hard today ... thankful for what I can touch, smell, love and watch grow.

This isn't about me, it's about Aimee and Adam, their family, Kayleigh. PLEASE go visit their blog (click on Kayleigh's button) .. please share in Kayleigh's inspiration. Be sure to have tissues.

There is an extra special angel in heaven...

Prayers & Positive Thoughts

We found out this morning that my Sister-In-Law has early stages of Cirrhosis of the Liver ... we're not sure what it all means yet, the results just came in this morning. My husband was the first person she called. She has been sick for over a year now (almost 2 years) and I guess just now really figuring out what is going on. Last year she asked my husband if we would take on her boys (who are around Calahan's age) if anything should happen to her and she thought of moving up here .. to be closer, plus there is better medical care up here I believe anyway.. Dennis says that it's a common thing in this family since 99% of them are alcoholics... his sister use to drink like a fish and so did he, they both stopped for the most part... I told him he better not get it cuz I wasn't losing him anytime soon... he said it's either you get it and pass on young, in his family, or you live forever - lol.. I am worried though... he was concerned enough to call me right away...