Kaedyn Making Popcorn

A few days ago Kaedyn was learning to make stove top popcorn.  He was watching it pop and everything...  he thought it was the coolest thing.

Most boring person .....

I hate feeling so sick.    I haven't been able to do anything - mostly just sleep.  This cough is KILLING ME ....  and I just can't wake up ....   Ugh.....

On the 25th I went into the DR ....   Doc basically said it was my severe asthma ... really - the two breathing treatments you gave me didn't help ..... I just said they did so I could leave ....  he gave me prednisone ... I'm out now...   not better....

Hey ...  Noah had C.Diff.....

I don't think it's *Just* my asthma  (when I said that to him, he said "Just your asthma?  isn't that bad enough?") LOLOLOL

I am the most boring person ....  right now....  lol....

Sigh .....

I feel like I have nothing at the moment.  I mean - I don't mean the way that sounded ...   what I mean is, I can barely function. The new cough - it won't go away ... I'm coughing up thick yellow phlegm but it's just "severe asthma" according to the doctor at the ER.  This is more than severe asthma, I have had asthma since I was a teenager - I have also had bronchitis pretty much every year of my life, I have also suffered from pneumonia several times in my life.  This isn't just asthma. Especially when the asthma meds don't help.  The Prednisone is gone. And if DB isn't working on Tuesday, I think I'll be going to see my DR during her urgent care hours.  

My health has declined a lot.  Especially in the last week.  One day.we got  up and left the house and was so thankful for leaving my bedroom....  but alas, I pay for it wickedly the next day.  I get up and I walk - just to make sure I can, but I can't walk far for the dizzy takes over and my eye sight is bad I can't read anything.  I am dependent on my family, and I feel useless.  

I wish it would stop.  I want my life.  I want to make promises of doing things that I can keep.  My cousin asks me to go to her ultrasound with her and I am excited to go but in the back of my brain, I'm thinking ... can I?  I didn't.  She contacted me saying one of her friends wanted to go really bad so she was going with ....  and it's a good thing, because I had a really bad morning.  

So I have been doing some PINTRERSTING .....  So many pins..... 

I am being a Pinterest Addict.

Not doing very well....

Cough - Cough - Gag .... feel like death....

The Lies of the Past.....

Years and years - almost two decades of lies are being stripped away from my life and truth is being uncovered .... for absolute FACT.  ABSOLUTE ....

Although I had started to work on forgiveness for ME, I know I still have some work to do ...  I realized I had been in a dark place and I could hit the angry place so quickly based on past mistakes of those who have "wronged" me.

Realizing, I would want people to know that I make mistakes and allow me to explain or correct them.... and give me a chance because I am human and I make mistakes. I need to do the same. I say things I may mean in the moment ... but I regret because I don't mean it after I calm down.  Or I may understand things a little better out of the heat of anger.

I realized, I have to stop holding so much inside and I need to LET IT GO (everyone sing it!!)

I don't forgive easy.  After last year with my husband, I had crumbled so badly.  I am a genuinely open and honest person, and I have such a hard time understanding why people can't be open and honest with me?

I like to make real connections, and finding out that you are being lied to by someone - it's like this cannon ball to the gut to me.

So I have addressed forgiving my ex for the things he has done to me - personally.  I'm not sure I could EVER truly forgive him based on the things he has done.  He doesn't DESERVE to be forgiven, that's at least how I feel.

Then there is my friend Sarah who has been entangled in all the drama with my ex in ways.

Sarah and I were in such horrible situations in our lives, at the same time - and we both had a hard time trying to figure things out and deal with them.  I get that.  We were NICU parents together, we were going through divorces at the same time.  My divorce was entangled in her life because my ex-husband fell in love with her.  She didn't ask for it, and she was just trying to be a friend to him.

Sarah and I have recently started to build bridges to repair our friendship, and part of this process has been the slight doubt in my head that perhaps, just perhaps, the stories my ex-sleaze bag told me.

I decided earlier this year, I had to let go of any doubt and realize I can not allow it to have any bearing on my life now.  Today.  Other than the fact I have "Cheated On Wife" Syndrome.

I was looking for some stuff for my oldest son, papers I had kept incase either of the boys had any questions about stuff their sperm donor had done.  I couldn't find what I was looking for, but I found this whole folder of letters from when all this crap was fresh.

He ended up raping me on January 7th, 2006.  I don't like talking about this because I FEEL SHAMEFUL.  WHY do I carry guilt about something that was done to me?   Because I don't like being the reason that people's lives take a sharp turn in the course and people look at them a different way?  I don't like being the person who changed their course in history I guess.  But it's the truth.  He admitted it, he plead guilty.

After we split up, separated, and I began to move on.  Just a few days before the rape, on the 5th, I had gotten complete closure in the marriage end and I knew it was done, and over, there was absolutely no chance of working on things, stopping the divorce, it was done.  D-O-N-E.  Stick a fork in me, I'm DONE.  So I had my first date, beyond the marriage on the 6th with the wonderful feeling of having all this weight of my marriage on my shoulders, dripping down my back.  I was FREE.  And apparently I don't have a slow button.  That man ended up becoming my boyfriend, but after early morning consensual fornication - he (my ex) showed up at 3:30 AM - and we weren't even dressed, and he busted in my house.  By the time he got in, we were dressed and I opened the door to my bedroom to find him standing right there.  After major arguments, he left, came back, I told him I needed sleep.  I went in my room, shut the door, took my pills (which both together made me sleep - almost immediately) and when I woke up, I didn't have on clothes and he was in the bed with me.

I was in shock.  Pure, SHOCK.

According to him, he was having an affair with my best friend, he had gotten her pregnant, they had a miscarriage, they were getting married.... trying for more kids.... and he ... just.... raped.... me?

I just wanted him to be as out of my life as much as he could but still make his kids his priority.   But that didn't happen.

So at one point, Sarah and I started talking, comparing stories... realizing he was playing both of us.  In a plan to prove to each other we were not lying about what he was telling us, we got together to make some phone calls with him.  That way she could hear what I was saying was true, and I could hear what she was saying was true.  The calls were recorded to be able to confront him with later to make him be truthful.

Crazy long story short, in that conversation that night, about a month later - he admitted to the rape (on the taped phone convo.)  And later on he was so upset, he tried to break into my house at 2 AM.  The cops were called.  He was arrested.  Tape was turned over to the cops.  The state pressed charges against him for the rape.  He has been in jail/prison since Feb. 2006.

I met Dennis June 2006.  Just want to put that out there.

This WHOLE time, since June 2005 - he has maintained the story that he had this affair with my best friend.   That they both betrayed me so badly - by hurting me like that.  The sad thing about it was that I was more upset on HER doing it, then him.

So with that back story (incase you don't know me and needed to know it for the next part) ....  let's fast forward to finding those letters yesterday.

And finding the key to understanding the TRUTH about everything.  EVERYTHING ....

I write my feelings.  It's how I DEAL with them.  This is my THERAPY and sometimes I'm super serious... about super serious topics, and sometimes I'm putting forth my sarcastic wit and applying it to my sometimes soap opera like life.

This is not one of those sarcastically funny blogs.   This is one of those therapeutic blogs.

Yesterday, I read through a WHOLE huge folder of letters.

This stack of papers in my hand, is letters I found that Sarah gave me - of letters HE wrote to HER.  I don't remember her giving them to me, apparently she did...... cuz I have them.  And I had NEVER read through them before.

But I read every single one yesterday, and went through letters he wrote to me too ....  I save all my letters to him, because I usually type them up on the computer.... and so I save them.

I learned a lot by taking this step into the past.   I found a letter, from him to her.... that she had given me - oh gawd - 9 years ago, 8 years ago ....  where he almost came out and said that the whole affair was a lie he made up.  (the last part that I added in the bottom of the next paragraph.)

It was really weird reading how he talked to her.  In one letter he said "You say your not a princess, to me your like the Virgin Mary, Perfect in every way." and in the same letter it was "Yes I wish there could be marriage, and a child, that would be 2nd to Heaven" and I just went OMG - DELUSIONAL .....  and then "Your the only one that has been able to turn me on in that area and Nissa knew that. It's not just looks it' is also the inner connection I only feel with you. This is why I'm having a hard time writing this ...... Yeah some sort of physical contact with you wither it's just holding your hand, getting a kiss from you or just holding you, or anything above that would basically make me feel like I was in heaven, but I know that it never could happen." and I'm (gag) ... Not (gag) because of her, but because (gag) I don't like even thinking of him.

And then I found a letter where he out right admitted it.

*I am correcting his spelling - he is worse than ..... well..... *

Dear Sarah 3-18-06
I can't ever explain why I told people at work, Nissa, (teal) and (orange) that we were dating, having kids and getting married.  There is no way to explain it proper.  With Nissa it was using you the same way as (lime green) the only difference was I fell in love with you and hoped someday you would feel the same way about me and fulfill my fantasies and yours that you dreamed of.  With work and Nissa, and everyone else I didn't want to look pathetic being with out somebody, knowing it was easy for everyone including you to find the right person or at least people to be with.  I so much wanted the popularity that you have. You made me feel complete and like I was on top of the world....

The person the "Lime Green" represents is the manager at his work, about 5 years into the marriage, that he told me he had an affair with.

The letter prior to the one that I just shared was more about the "Lime Green" situation and how he used HER ....

"I want to continue to answer all your questions but it's hard right now because of my feelings I have been having today and insecurities I'm having.  I am skimming your letters almost every day.  This I am not lying to you, take all the time you need and any way you want to find out if I'm lying I would love to prove you wrong....."

"....  The only people I slept with are (red), (teal), and Nissa!  (Lime Green) did not happen.  I only knew where she lived because her W-2 form was sitting on the counter at work.  Her full name is (Lime Green) don't remember middle name.  Nissa and I found her on the computer before look her up, got her phone number and talk to her in person I don't care that's the only people I've been with.

The story with (Lime Green) was two reasons.  To see how much Nissa loved me to continue or not and the reason I told you the true love of marriage wasn't there, was letting her choose what she wanted to do.  I was a coward, I wanted to try loving Nissa (the) at her level of love. I'm glad we went together as far as we did because of Noah and Calahan.  That's why I commented about going back to Minnesota.  The only thing here for me are my kids then I met you, the true person I have fallen completely in love with."

He would talk to her like she was the only thing that shined in the sky, and he often referred to her as his "Guardian Angel" ...  and he would continue to try to verbally abuse me in letters, give me guilt trips, and try to manipulate me.

To this day (or at least his last letter) ... he continues to say that they had this huge affair.  He would say in one letter to me.....

 "She wants me to tell you nothing ever happened the weekend I spent over there.  Nothing happened, I even told you that right after that weekend.  Nothing ever happened between her and I, just friends.  Yes I loved and cared about her but she didn't care too much about me other than the money."

and in the next letter.....

"Sarah wanted me to tell you nothing happened I tried to do that in the last letter.  Like I said before for the last 2 years I have told you what was going on.  I have my reasons why I'm telling you now just believe whatever she tells you.  I'm tired of fighting with you and with her.  I'm willing to do what she asks of me.  I have promised her anything you know that.  Even if it makes me look like a liar in your eyes. I just hope you can tell the difference."

He often threatens suicide (to both of us) and at least told me all the different ways he could do it....

He would lay it all out on the line for me, and I'd write him back and tell him - "I have no say in what you do in your life anymore.  If that is what you choose to do, I will hold no guilt over it because I can't control what you do.  My biggest concern would be telling your kids."

Then he'd get mad at me for only caring about how to tell the kids.

Kids are my priority - not him.  Plus, just because I was trying to be civil, didn't mean I liked him.

He also liked to use the threat of not writing me or the kids.  You don't like what I have to say, fine...  but seriously - what did your kids do?  Other than share your DNA???

Slime-ball lying (slur of bad words).

So in looking in all these letters ....  this is what I found out.

1: He stopped loving me after the first year of marriage.  The ONLY year of marriage he could admit to *thinking* we had "true love" was the first.  That was it.  We were married 10 years.
2: The marriage was - literally - only a conveyance to him.  Just like I thought.  He didn't want to be alone, so he stayed with me.  He didn't like me, but he liked the "family life."
3: I didn't give him enough attention, in his eyes, so he would make up lies and stories about other people like the manager he worked with. Them having an affair.  And various other things to get attention from me.  Lies lies lies.
4: The affair that "ended our marriage" (THANK GOD) never happened.  My best friend was TRULY trying to just be a friend to him.  Not THANK GOD it never happened.  THANK GOD we got divorced ..
5: Our entire marriage was based on lies after lies and while his relationship with Sarah was based on truth, he continued to (and continues to) lie to me and only tell me what HE THINKS I want to hear instead of being honest.

Whatever.  At this point he is no longer writing me, and I don't care.  His highschool/childhood best friend wrote him, asked him what happened .... he told him that it was all a "misunderstanding" as to why he's in prison, and then told him that he and I had agreed that when he got out of prison - we were going to get back together.

Gag, gag gag gag gag, never ever ever.....   so I wrote him a letter, setting him straight - and he got pissed at me for believing his best friend ..... @@  ... seriously dude, look at your track history.  LOOK AT IT.  Lies, lies, lies, lies, tells you what he thinks you want to hear, lies....  pretty much sums him up.

So he's punishing me ....  (no he isn't, I am like.....yay....I get a break from his constant "I wish we could work on things, I still call you my wife...") ....  and he's not writing his kids.  He sent them both a birthday card.  Signed it, wrote nothing in it.  That's it.

I'll never forgive him.  I don't think I can ever forgive him, but it doesn't consume me either.  I'm not worrying about him until 2017 - and I hope he doesn't get out - even though he is supposed to.

Between what he did to me through out the marriage, the lies, the stories to get attention, the verbal and mental abuse, the physical abuse at the end, the sick things he thought he would/could actually get away with ...  the LIES.  OMG so many lies.  "I had a daughter at 15 with my highschool sweatheart" ... LIE!  He carried around a baby picture saying it was his daughter, it was his COUSIN.  Lies, lies and more lies.  Blamed me for what he did - said it was because I didn't give him enough attention.

Truth.....

I put that key in and .......

Understanding will truly set you free!!

The Public Entry .... and some funnies ...

I wrote a REALLY REALLY long blog today about me.  About my past.  About being molested and how I connect to the whole sexual abuse world as a victim, as a spouse, as a parent.  It's HARD to open up that door to the public.

I was really therapeutic to write it all out - to write out the actual DETAILS ...

But, I couldn't publish it.  There are a lot of reasons I couldn't publish it right now, I do intend to publish it at some point.  I copied it over to word, and I shared it with a few people I am close to that I knew would read it.  Who would want to read it.   When I copied it over, it was 22 pages long.  WOW....  but to be fair, there were graphics in it too.

I feel that with the whole Duggar scandal going on - it doesn't just raise anger and being brokenhearted for the victims, People are quick to hate Josh - which I am not saying is wrong.  I feel that the death penalty should be opened up for child abusers .... however, only ones that it can be 100% proven for - because people do get blamed that never did it.

People in custody battles, ex's falsely accuse the other just to get a leg up - which is COMPLETELY wrong, and people don't understand how you can ruin a life with a false accusation.  They don't care.  It's a selfish act, and it can completely wreck someone's life who never did anything.

With that said, Josh Duggar's scandal - because let's face it - it's not the "Duggar Family Scandal" ... let's attach this to the appropriate person.  This is on Josh Duggar, perhaps on Jim Bob & Michelle for the way it was handled, but NO ONE ELSE in that family should this be attached to.  Infact, some of the VICTIMS of this are in that family.  But to attach the crime to the whole family is wrong.

The other thing is this ...... this whole thing has not only brought up anger and loathing in people due to the crime - but it has also brought out the memories in so many victims not even attached to this particular story.  It's made a lot of victims of being molested, sexual abuse in whatever form - remember their story - and how it made them feel.  I will share this from my blog I wrote earlier ...


The news of the Duggars has - I am sure, aroused a lot of emotion of people (men and women) who have been molested, assaulted, raped - whatever their story might be - to deal with the unwelcome memories of what happened to them.

I do not condone what Josh Duggar did in any way.  Is there a chance he learned - and no longer heeds to these temptations ....  he might be a devoted husband, a true turn around, an amazing father....  and I would hope that Anna is hyper-aware of what he does with his own children based on the reports saying she knew about this prior to getting married.  But even if he's a great husband, and an amazing dad, it doesn't change the severity of his crime.

I see a lot of sides of this.  I see the sides of the victim. I can see the side of the spouse.  Of the parent. And it makes me sick.  Literally.

There are a lot of blogs and articles out there about the scandal.   Some of the ones I have saved, read ....

There are a variety of links, and some different views..... I am just sharing links that I have read.

I knew as soon as I read this first one, I would be writing this blog.... in time.....

Why We Must Call Out Child Molesters (Duggars, We're Looking At You)

What You Need to Know about the Josh Duggar Police Report

The Duggars Aren’t Hypocrites. Progressives Are.

A Christian ‘Defense’ Of Josh Duggar

Since this story has been made mention of, I thought I would look into this....
Lena Dunham Describes Sexually Abusing Her Little Sister

The Web Has Known About Josh Duggar for Years. When Did TLC Find Out?

Dear Duggars …. Sincerely, Me

Duggar Girls Victimized … And It Wasn’t Over 10 Years Ago Like You’ve Heard!

This last one ^^^ It hit home.  Before you go thinking the last one continues in the explosive claims, it's just an expression of how all of this - all of the media and attention - is only victimizing the girls again ....

It's true.  Because I feel victimized again.  Just like I do when I read any story of sexual abuse.

Before I get into my story....  I want to say something about the Duggars.  I was not a fan - at first.  I was one of those people who watched periodically with fascination.   I didn't watch because I believe their beliefs, I didn't watch because I want to be like them....   I can appreciate their family dynamic.  I am intrigued with how their family runs.  I enjoy watching how the kids have grown and are now having families of their own.  I started watching more religiously when Josie came along.  Being a NICU Mom, a Micro-Preemie Mom, I understand that world.  I was cheering Josie on ... sharing stories and news of her - excited when she triumphed.   Beat her odds!   I like Odd Beaters A LOT.  I know a few of them.

So I have to say when this story broke, I was shocked.  Sickened.  I *HOPED* it wasn't true, and when he admitted to it, put out a statement - there was no denying the events.   To realize that two of his victims are probably his two newlywed, first time parent/expectant sisters ....  MAKES ME SICK.

And a little selfishly - makes me mad - because I was invested in their stories and their lives.

There was no getting around the show getting canceled.  TLC immediately cancels on the grounds of these type of accusations, as was proven with Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo....

However, I do not understand how TLC could not know this.  This happened right around the same time the show started.  Did they truly not know?  Or did they know, have some suspicion, and just went with it because it wasn't true public knowledge and only rumors circulating around the message boards?

I ended up doing something today that has really tilted me.  But that's for tomorrow's blog.   Today I am going to end my PUBLIC blog (not the one that is currently private) with some funnies I have come across lately ....

Welcome May ICLW*ers....

There aren't very many of us this month.  Makes me a little sad.  I remember when this list was HUGE .... I hope it'll get that way again :)

Just a quick introduction!!  My name is Annissa and I am 38 ...  I am a writer, photographer ...  I am a Mom.  I have a lot of health issues I'm struggling with right now.  I am also the mom of unique children who have medical issues. 

You can read my ICLW Intro Page ....  and come back and read the rest of this :)   Or you can just read this :)

If you don't know what ICLW is ....... check it out (HERE) and join in next month!!!  I know a lot of you are still struggling to have families ....  and I can do nothing but pray for you ....and try to support you through your journey... 

I got pregnant when I was 18 and had a miscarriage almost right away.  I found out four weeks later that I was 8 weeks pregnant and it had been twins.  My son Calahan was due Christmas Day 1995. He was late, didn't come until January 5th. 

I struggled with secondary infertility for five years until I got pregnant and stayed pregnant with my son Noah.  I had to take Clomid.  He was due on St. Patrick's Day 2002 but came early.  He was only 1lb 12oz and 13 3/4 inches long.  Born February 1st 2002.  We knew he had medical issues prior to his birth.  That's why he was the size of a 24 weeker even though he was 33 weeks along.  He has a very rare Trisomy (Mosaic Trisomy 16).   I was told he would die before he lived (in utero) and if not he would die shortly after birth - period.  They gave me no hope.  Today, that little miracle is 13. 

I struggled with secondary infertility some more.  Then I got a divorce, I had 10 miscarriages with in that marriage. Then I had a miscarriage with my ex boyfriend.  Met my husband.  We had one miscarriage right away. And to my utter surprise I got pregnant just before we were going to start trying.  I got pregnant in August of 2006 and we were going to start trying in September.  I had gone to my OBGYN in late August to discuss with him getting pregnant again.  If I should start Clomid again, or wait.  He thought I should wait and wanted me to start progesterone right away upon a positive pregnancy test.  What we didn't know, was... I was already pregnant.

So I started taking progesterone as soon as I got a positive pregnancy test, and the baby stuck.  We knew that Mr. Nathan - who was due on Mother's Day 2007 - wasn't growing right in utero.  He had a two vessel cord.  The amnio came back that the baby was healthy - so we just didn't know what was going on.  Nathan was born at 36 weeks but he was only 3lbs 4oz, 15 3/4 inches at birth.  That same week, Noah almost died.  The doctor actually told me if I hadn't gotten him to the hospital when I did, he had less than 48 hours.  (Nevermind the fact that I had taken him into the ER at home.)   Regardless, my little boy beat the odds again.  I ended up delivering in the same hospital Noah was in - and Nathan was put in the NICU, in the same spot Noah had been in.  They found out he had a cleft palate, and various other things.  They knew he had Dandy Walker before he was born, that's a brain malformation.  Specifically, Nathan is missing the vermis in his cerebellum.  Through the years (He just turned 8) ... we have found out he has hypothyroidism, he has growth hormone deficiency, Polymicrogyria, another brain disorder.  He has Russell Silver Syndrome (a primordial dwarfism/growth disorder) ...  he also has Autism.  He has a lot of speech issues, including Apraxia and VPI.  He recently got a feeding tube, also - he hasn't even had it a year. 

I ended up having a miscarriage on my husband's and my first anniversary.  It was really hard.  But I had started Clomid the next cycle and gotten pregnant two weeks later.  Just before New Years 2008.  I found out I was pregnant with Kaedyn when Nathan was just about seven months old.   I also took progesterone for my pregnancy with him.  He was a fat healthy baby!  He was due on September 19th and born September 9th.  8lbs 3oz and 18 1/4 inches.  He doesn't have a lot of medical issues like his two brothers.  He has eczema and he is almost blind in his left eye with perfect eye sight in his right. 

Fast forward to last year and I got another addition to my family.  We moved from Wisconsin to Washington state in 2010.  The first friend I made here was Tammy.  Long story short, she died a couple of years ago.  Her son Kale has always been special to me.  So when I found out he was homeless last summer, there was a plan in place to get him - and his girlfriend - to our place at least for a couple nights.  He's mine now.  She's mine now.  And her little girl is my first grandbaby.  Expecting my second grandbaby this fall. 

If you want to meet our family - this is a good place to do it.  OUR FAMILY

So....   If you want to learn more ......  I have had a total of 16 miscarriages through my years of having kids, and the last one was just a few weeks ago.  If you want to learn more about my journey to have my children - please visit this blog page:  MY JOURNEY FOR CHILDREN  ... I talk about several of my miscarriages there. 

(photo found on Google, if it is yours, it's amazing and I love it)

Happy Memorial Day ~ THANK YOU

This is what I started off yesterday's blog with, and I thought it was worth repeating..... 

Our family has a BBQ Memorial Day weekend, but a lot of the time, we don't do it on Memorial Day.  I mean, I have seen a lot of things out this year, floating around FB about how Memorial Day weekend isn't a day for BBQ's but a day for remembrance of the fallen solders that died for our freedom.   And while I can agree with that statement, those solders died for our freedom ... so that we could celebrate our freedom.  So those who decide to have BBQ's to celebrate what those soldiers died for..... what is the big deal?  We do - our family does - make sure that we honor our fallen soldier.  You can't NOT do that when you live in a military family.  My husband was Army, my Dad was Navy, and that's how he met my Step-Mom, my Step-Dad was Navy, many of my Uncles served in the Military in various branches, I have a couple cousins that ARE serving.  My Grandparents served on both sides.

Military touches our lives.  We are beyond thankful to those who served and gave the ultimate price, and those who served and came home.  And although today isn't for those who served and came home, I would extend today to any soldier that came home minus body parts, with severe PTSD, with whatever might have changed them and made them NOT the person that they left being.  They also made a very significant sacrifice.  So THANK YOU ....

THANK YOU.... 

Our Day of Family BBQ ....

Our family has a BBQ Memorial Day weekend, but a lot of the time, we don't do it on Memorial Day.  I mean, I have seen a lot of things out this year, floating around FB about how Memorial Day weekend isn't a day for BBQ's but a day for remembrance of the fallen solders that died for our freedom.   And while I can agree with that statement, those solders died for our freedom ... so that we could celebrate our freedom.  So those who decide to have BBQ's to celebrate what those soldiers died for..... what is the big deal?  We do - our family does - make sure that we honor our fallen soldier.  You can't NOT do that when you live in a military family.  My husband was Army, my Dad was Navy, and that's how he met my Step-Mom, my Step-Dad was Navy, many of my Uncles served in the Military in various branches, I have a couple cousins that ARE serving.  My Grandparents served on both sides.

Military touches our lives.  We are beyond thankful to those who served and gave the ultimate price, and those who served and came home.  And although today isn't for those who served and came home, I would extend today to any soldier that came home minus body parts, with severe PTSD, with whatever might have changed them and made them NOT the person that they left being.  They also made a very significant sacrifice.  So THANK YOU ....

With that said......   it was a day for pictures :)

So this morning - after a night, where I would sleep an hour, wake up, sleep an hour, wake up ...  it wasn't *exactly* insomnia ...  maybe it was worse.  Regardless - this morning, Marshmellow was cuddling with me.

Love my Mellow.  He's not just mine though ....

So we left for Nana & Papa's a little before noon.  We got there and all the kids just ... parked it.  I had a hard time convincing Nathan he could play outside with all his fun toys.  He didn't want to.  I realize he is still healing - like majorly - but I just so badly want him to enjoy his toys right now.  Today.  Let me not feel good for the both of us.

Here is Calahan and Noah on the couch and Shila (baby Elly), Jaxson and Kale on the love seat.

So then I was all ... "Shila stand up so I can get some belly shots!!"  LOLOL...  She was like "NO!!" but stood up laughing.  She just doesn't like me getting her face, so she's constantly looking away.

Finally got Nate out to play!!!

I love this picture of Kaedyn ....  he is in love with this shirt and will NOT take it off and if he does, he puts it back on.  Oye!!!

Our Pumpkin and Watermelon seedlings ...

A moment of photography ....

Jaxson!!!  We all miss him.  We really need to find a new place where we can have him.  Calahan was running from him to make Jax chase him... LOL....

Food!!  There are burgers hiding under the hot dogs and OMGosh the chicken was SO GOOD.  The little cupcakes ....  and my finished plate....  we had chips too ... and corn on the cob ....

Funny story - Kaedyn kept messaging and sending his Aunt Jenna pictures of the food and she'd go "Why are you TEASING ME!?!?!"

Papa (red), Nana (Green Bay Packers Sweatshirt)  DB (Blue, white) ...  down in the Family Room, and Shila (back) and Kale at the dining room table...   blurry - ugh!

These dogs crack me up!!!   Ellie Mae - black dog,  Keya, furry ginger, Jaxson the big lug-a-bug...  as you can see - Jaxson is learning a lot ....  LOLOLOL....    Love them all!

After we ate, had some watermelon ....  and the kids played some more (and I finished up my laundry) ....  the kids were to get stuff put away in the garage.  Nathan said he was "too tired" to bring back the jeep and he just sat there, so Cal got on it, notice how Nathan is in his arms, LOLOLOL....  and he got it put away.

Then Kale got on with Kaedyn to help him get the 4-wheeler put away.

My furry son.....

Jaxson was like..... Okay - lets go home!!!  Come-on .... let's go.  I'll drive!!!

Come on! You know you want to take me home!!!    Yes buddy, we do :/

Noah was laying down on the back seat of the van - he wasn't feeling good too :(

We all had a great time at Nana & Papa's ... lots of laughter - talking - and eating :)

Got home and Mellow followed me in the bedroom ... LOL... he lays on my Moon & Star Body Pillow .... cuz it smells like me.... I love this cat.

Shila and Kale....  I love them too ...

My Sexy Beast and me ....

Kinsleigh is 12 weeks old tomorrow ...

Me getting attacked by Kinsleigh ....

My BEAUTIFUL boy .....  well, all my boys are beautiful, furry or not....

I once thought I could cross my eyes.....   apparently - I can't....

Our Family today

Minus Alana, Clairah and Thor (K&S's cat)

SO I noticed a few things going on with Nathan since we got home from the hospital ...  One...   these weird rashes showed up today .... to be fair, he was outside, he's allergic to grass - perhaps it could be from that, noticed it after his bath .....

But this has been going on this last several days.  He has this BAD BAD peeling problem of his skin from his hands and feet. It's mainly his fingers and toes.  Like I see skin peeling this bad on burn victims but he's not burned.  DB seems to think it may have something with how badly he swelled up in the hospital, or because maybe due to his loss of good circulation in his hands and feet when he was in Sepsis Shock ....

It's hard to see because the picture is blurry - but I did his right foot (left in the picture) and pulled the huge folds of dead skin off....  but I hadn't done the left foot (right in the picture) ....  but you can (kinda) make out the huge folds of skin hanging on his left foot, I circled them....

I got all of Nate's G-Tube pads washed today - I don't normally wash them in the washer/dryer - I usually do them by hand ... but .... when I get a chance to - I do wash them at my moms so they get nice and clean :)  The only one that was dirty was the one he was wearing ....

Med time ....  cut the pills, crush the pills, measure out the liquid .... pour it all together ....  dump the crushed pills in there ...  and mix it up .... oye ....

Is it sad that this is at my bedside?  I think it's sad.  I think it's really sad.....  (pout)  .... oh those are Kaedyn's pills - allergy, asthma and melatonan or the kid would not sleep ...  EVER ....