Bereaved Mother's Day....

I am a mother.  That's clear.

You can look at me, at my family, and easily say that I am the mother of many children.  The four boys I gave birth to, the one I adopted, the girls two of them are going to marry ...  I love them all the same, they are all Mine.  MINE.

But what you may not know is that I am actually the mother of Twenty souls.  Well, 21 if you count the adopted one.  Which I do.

I have been pregnant, at least, 19 times.   No, I am not Michelle Dugger.

I am the Mom of 16 babies lost in miscarriage.  Struggles and infertility has haunted me for a long time.  It all started when I was 18 and I got pregnant.  I get it - the eye roll - the Teenage Mother.... whatever....   I wanted NOTHING more than to be a Mom....

So when I found out I was pregnant I was beyond thrilled, and scared, and in shock.  But when I started to miscarry, my whole world crumbed around me.  It was the second most significant loss next to that of my Grandfather and I was .... lost.   I remember I had called into work (I was a waitress at that point in time) and told them I had food poisoning.  I ended up taking 3 days off.

What I didn't understand was why my pregnancy symptoms were NOT going away.  It was crazy and it was making it all that much harder for me.

But it was my surprise when I found out that - even though I had a miscarriage just a couple weeks before - here I was 8 weeks pregnant.  I was still pregnant.  But there hadn't been one baby, there had been two babies, and I had lost the twin of the child that still was growing under my heart.

But it was hard, a twin....  and ....  I was still grieving.  Excited now, but still sad.

I almost lost that baby too.  I had several threatened miscarriages with that first pregnancy, but for whatever reason, miracle, blessing.... that baby hung on.

He was born when I was 19.  He made me what I always wanted to be, a Mom.  I didn't care that he wasn't the girl I wanted, all I could see was this amazing little person who had grown with in me.

This was the start to something that would shape my soul.  The start of my battle of infertility.  I got pregnant four more times before getting and staying pregnant with my 2nd child.  My 7th child.  My 2nd live birth.

And he wasn't even supposed to be a "live birth" because he has a rare genetic disorder ...  one that is so rare that not much is known.  I was told that he wouldn't survive the pregnancy, he would - at most - live a couple days.  Today, today he's 13.  He was born 1lb 12oz but he kicked butt and took names!
I found out I was pregnant again just a few weeks after we got home from the NICU.  To my shock, and horror.  Here I had this tiny baby who wasn't even the size of a newborn yet.... and I was pregnant again???

I lost that baby the day after my birthday that year, at 11 weeks.  Named her Hannah Rae.

Probably the hardest miscarriage of them all.  Worse than my first in ways.   She was my 6th miscarriage, my 8th child.

Each one of them had a name.  Always had to name them.  Some I'd give them a name based on gut, some would name them something that could go for either gender...   and then, there was Hannah.

I went on to have four more miscarriages with in my first marriage.   After that ended, I found out I was pregnant on Valentine's Day with my ex boyfriend.  This is the only baby I didn't try to fight for.  This one I let nature decide if I would keep it or lose it, and with in a week I had started a miscarriage.

This was miscarriage #11 and child #13....

Then I met my husband.  My DB.  He is my heart ...  I honestly don't know what I would do without him.  It's not like my first marriage.  I know I can survive on my own, but I don't want to.  I want him, and only him.

We ended up having a miscarriage right away.  And then 3 months into our relationship, I peed on a stick, got a negative.  Blew it all off and a few days later took another one.....  too my shock, it was positive.  POSITIVE....

This baby ended up having medical issues too.  Which was hard.  But I went through it once already, it was like second nature.  Completely different medical issues than his brother - but still ....  he was also a preemie.  3lbs 4oz.

We knew we wanted at least one more.  So we started trying pretty much right away.

I ended up having a miscarriage on our 1st Wedding Anniversary.  Yeah, that kinda sucked.  Kinda sucked a lot.

I got pregnant with the 4th live birth two weeks later.  Pretty much a New Year's conception.  Woot!  When I was 17 weeks pregnant with him, DB got a vasectomy.

So imagine my surprised when after we moved here.... I started having pregnancy symptoms.  I was on birth control pills, but I stopped taking them for a bit after we moved.  I was on them because I had issues with my cycle being heavy to the point of hemorrhaging ...  so I was on a continuous cycle of active pills where I wouldn't get my period.  But when we moved, I had stopped taking them because I ran out and hadn't set up care here yet.

So I suspected I was pregnant but blew it off....  he's FIXED ... I would tell myself.

Weeks passed, I'm late, I take a test - positive, and started to spot that day, and bleed, and have a very clear miscarriage on the 4th of July.

Since then, I have had two more miscarriages.  The last one was on this Easter.

It's funny, I have this thing with holiday's ....  Calahan was conceived around St. Patrick's Day...due Christmas Day.  Noah was conceived on my birthday and due St. Patrick's Day.   Nathan well, he was due on Mother's Day 2007.  Kaedyn was due NOT on a holiday. Conceived New Years...  But he was due close to Labor Day!  Ha ha ...  just kidding, it was closer to Grandparent's Day.   Then I have miscarriages on holiday's...   this last one.  Due on our anniversary and lost on Easter.  Boo!

But the point of this is ...... you never know when someone is a Mother, or how many kids they hold in their heart.   Some women lost their first child, and appear to be child-less, but they aren't.  Some women have a lot more kids than you can see.  Some have children that they consider theirs, but have no blood relation.  Some adopt, and that's not different than giving birth.  Motherhood can be defined by many ways.  So no matter who they are......  if they are a Mother, recognize it.

If you haven't seen the amazing work by Carly Marie...... CHECK IT OUT.  Here is her blog for this year.  She's AMAZING.