Emotions ....

I am trying hard to work out my feelings with everything that happened with Nathan.  I don't know why it's hitting me so hard.  Find out your child basically had a 50/50 chance to even live... and it's just so hard - I don't live in the land of what could have been or what if, and so I don't like being here.  But I have to make sense of things, and I can't seem to make sense of it.... and until I make sense of it, I can't seem to let it go.

It's like grasping onto a rope, hopelessly and helplessly - trying to surface for air but all you are doing is drowning ... you can't seem to gain control, and then finally, the rope is in your hand and your being pulled through the water ...  until suddenly - unexpectedly - you breech the surface of the water and finally manage to gasp for air - taking in each breath as it burns your lungs but it doesn't matter, because you are breathing.  You are breathing.   The shock is overwhelming, the numbness is a protective measure, and your mind tries to make sense of something that.... you may never, ever make sense of. 

My Son Almost Died .....  over on My Unique Flowers

I wrote the above blog, over at MUF ... it's me trying to work through things.  But I just can't seem to work through them.

On a happier note: Today DB and I were cuddling for a moment.  Stealing a moment together ....  he did one of my most favorite things in the world.   He looked at me and he said - just out of the blue - "do you know how beautiful you are?"

In that moment, I feel it, I believe him ...  he sees something I can't see, and it's not just my pretty face, he sees me.  It is the most amazing feeling in the world to know that your husband still finds you beautiful after years of marriage ...  almost 9 years together.  Not just physically but mentally.

It's an amazing feeling to know that I "get" him and he "gets" me ....

Tonight, I rolled over and started to spoon him, threw my arm over him.  He grabbed my hand and he held it for a moment....  and then he brought my hand up to his lips and he kissed my hand.

My heart swooned.  Not even joking.  I think that's the first time he's ever kissed my hand.

It's moments like that, that make me believe in true love.