Wish these feelings would go away ....

We are four days out from coming home from the hospital.  Today Nathan had his follow up with his regular pediatrician .... and I guess in his file it was said how badly he scared everyone up there at the hospital ...  Because his Ped commented on it.  He said "Boy he scared everyone up there" .... so yeah...

I promise I am not dwelling on this.  But this has hit both me and DB really hard.  We are religious people, we have our own beliefs.  But we both turned to praying during this time.  DB even went to the chapel several times to pray.  He had a hard time even being in the room with Nathan because it brought up so much emotion in his, sadness, worry, fear.... and he didn't want me to see it and get upset.

We decided we want to try to find a church.  This has been something we have wanted to do in the past, but we kinda don't know where to start.

This is the second time we have almost lost a child, while together.  That our child has been so sick that it has come very close to dying.  First it was Noah, and now it's Nathan.  Noah was 5, Nathan was 8.

There is nothing in this world that is worse than the thought that you could lose your child.  I've had that feeling a few more times than DB.  When they thought Calahan might have Leukemia.  Even though he didn't, we went through the bone marrow testing and just the thought of that evil "C" word being connected to your two year old child is beyond heartbreaking.  When Noah was born....  I had been told that he wouldn't even survive the pregnancy, let alone come home and celebrate his 13th birthday.  Then when he was five. the same week that Nathan was born, Noah was with in a few days of death, that's what the DR told me.  And now Nathan....

It's hard for a parent to know that their child is with in the grips of death.  The grasp of cold, dark, dirt....slumber.  It makes me sick to think about it.

DB and I handled it so differently.  He processed the seriousness in the moment, at the time.  He dropped to his knees and prayed.  Something he hasn't done in a long long time.  I didn't process things.  I knew it was serious, but I was the rock.  I couldn't process it in the moment. I couldn't even allow myself to go there. I knew it was serious but ...   Not until he was safe, and we were home.  I am STILL reeling from it.  So is DB.

We carry on with our lives and act like everything is back to normal, we laugh, we joke, we discipline ... and in private, we talk about what this experience has done to us.

No - last Fall when he was taken to the hospital for the 106 temp and not knowing what was wrong....  it was scary, but never did we even have an inkling that things would truly turn south.  This last week and a half in the hospital - damaged DB and I.  Traumatized us.  We don't want to talk about it but we don't want  to minimize it either.

So even though it's been a rough week emotionally - it's been a good week.  Again, just thankful to be home.  Thankful to take Nathan in my arms and hug him so tight and tell him I'm so happy we're home.