WHAT MAKES A FATHER?

I know that there is a lot of man hating done on Father's Day.  All those women out there who feel like their baby daddies are dead beats.  Who feel the need to throw out there how the baby daddy has wronged them.  But is that fair?   Do you know that baby daddy's side of the story?

There are all kinds of Fathers out there!  All kinds of people who need to be honored today.   HAPPY FATHERS DAY to all the Dads' out there!!!

WHAT MAKES A FATHER? 

Your wife, or girlfriend, comes up to you - and tells you - "You are going to be a Daddy!  I'm pregnant" and all kinds of emotions wash through you.  In that moment, a Father is born.  That's my opinion.  In that moment, it may be surreal, but it is the moment when a Dad starts to love and care for that unborn little nugget safely tucked away.  

But ....  What makes a FATHER?  Have you ever had to think about this question, truly think about it? 

Is it biology?  Does the fact that one of your sperm was the fastest to make it to some woman’s (or girl’s) egg … make you a father?   

You would think that just because you are a biological contributor to the human life, doesn’t really qualify you as a father.  What about being an emotional, spiritual, and financial contributor?  What about being physically there?  Does that make you a father?

What about the guy who got a woman pregnant and never knew?  Is he a father?  Is he a father when he doesn’t even know he’s a father?  Or is he only a father from the time his child comes knocking on his door saying “hey, remember this lady from nineteen years ago?  Yeah she never told you she was pregnant, so HI Dad…” …. 

Are you a father when conception happens?  Or only when the baby draws its first breath? 

I had two boys with my first husband.  The first baby, well, I realize now in hindsight that he wasn’t ready to be a dad.  The second one was born, he was more ready to be a parent.  So he verbally abused the first child, ignored him, physically punished him for the slightest thing, would berate him a lot, nothing he did was right.  The second baby, who was born premature and with medical issues, he doted on.  He played favorites, and the first child …. He wasn’t the favorite.  He had about 8 years of “helping” to raise the first child, and only two years in the second child’s life.   

When I met my second husband, I was the single mom of those two boys (ages 10 and 4) and my husband took on both my kids, no questions asked.  I told him about #2’s medial issues, and how – it’s so rare – that we literally live every day knowing that anything can go wrong with his organs at any time, and we could lose him.  It’s scary.  And we’ve had some close calls with him.  #1 has the emotional issues because of the abuse and example my ex-husband did and set for him.   He didn’t blink an eye, he was like “Bring it on.”

Step-Dads can be just as important, and sometimes more important, than the biological father’s.  They come in and pick up the slack the bio-Dad has left or cannot do.  Sometimes it’s not any fault of the bio-Dad, and sometimes it is.  These Dads swoop in and take on children who weren’t their responsibility to begin with, who take on the responsibility because they fell in love with the mom, and fell in love with the kids that came with her. 

I didn’t let #1 and #2 meet my husband until after we were engaged, but he has always been the most amazing, understanding, patient guy with them.  He didn’t help create them….  There is no biological DNA connection.  But he is more of a father to them then their biological father ever was!  He has definitely been their physical Dad longer than my first husband.

My husband and I ended up having two more boys.  #3, who was born premature and with medical issues, also…. and #4 who was a fat healthy baby.   He is the classic definition of a father with them.  He’s physically there with them, involved in their lives, supportive, encouraging, loving…  we make sure all their needs are met.  He is biologically their DNA donor, too. 

But there are other kinds of Dads out there.

We have to think of adoption.  There is no biological connection.  But in every other way ….  You are there for that child and love them like they DID come from your DNA.   When we moved from Wisconsin to Washington, I ended up making this friend.  Long story short, my friend died a few years ago … and I found out her son, whom I adore….was on the streets, homeless, with his girlfriend.  Within five minutes there was a plan in place to get him to us.  It didn’t take much time until he, they, became part of the family.  They became “ours” ….  Even though he isn’t biologically ours, he has completed our family, our son, his girlfriend is our daughter, their babies are our grand-babies. 

Much like Step-Dad's.... who can turn into Adoptive Dads.....  Adoptive Dads take on a responsibility they long for, they want, they fall in love with children who are not theirs, who become theirs, and they love and support and take care of that child no different then they would the one that would be or could be biologically theirs.   Adoptive Dads get to PICK their children.  They get to look in a sea of children needing home, needing family, desperately needing love, and say .... "I choose you Pikachu!"  Regardless, they sink all of their love in these children and make them their family.  Because - they were meant to be theirs all along.  

So what have we figured out so far?  Being a biological donor to the creation of life is questionable if it makes you a father or just a “sperm donor.”  Being abusive makes you a bully, not a parent.  But being a caring, loving, emotionally supportive parent definitely makes you a father.  If you are supportive person to a child, biologically yours or not, who treats a child like they ARE yours when they aren’t, still deems you a father. 

So I now think, what about foster care?  If a child is placed in your home for you to love, nurture, and protect – and you are in the role of a “father” … doesn’t that make you a father to that child too?  Heartbreakingly you may only have that child for a short time, but as a foster parent – ideally – you have to open your heart to every child who is placed with you.  If you are closed off, with a wall up, because of the heartbreak of letting them in and having to watch them go …. It’s a type of protection, but you aren’t doing anyone any good if you can’t open yourself up and love every child who is placed with you. 

What about the men out there who have children but leave them?  Running away and not looking back.  You hear the story of the men who kiss their kids goodbye and never come back.   Are they Father’s?  Are they only Father’s for the time they were present?  And does leaving make them a BAD Father?  What if they thought they had no other choice?  What if they felt like it was the ONLY option they had?  What if the mother in the situation blocked and wouldn’t allow any contact from the absentee Dad?  What if that Dad TRIED to be a Dad but couldn’t and wasn’t given the chance?   There are two sides to every story and just because a Dad isn’t there, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love that child and think of that child every day of his life. 

Yes there are dead beat Dads out there who don’t care.  There are Dads out there who want nothing to do with the babies they have made, and that’s heartbreaking.  

Beyond that, what about the relatives that step up and act in place of the Father Role?  Uncles, Older Brothers, Grandparents …. Who step up and take on the role of “Dad” for a child who doesn’t have a “Dad” involved in their lives.  They step up and do all the things that “Dad” would….  And so they are just as much a Dad as anyone in my opinion. 

The Dads out there who have had a child on the way, and lost that baby in miscarriage?  Or had a baby who died for whatever medical issues?  They don’t STOP being Dads just because their child isn’t with them anymore.  They are and forever will be a loving devoted Father. 

And the Dads out there who have the extra stresses of having a child with medical issues.  The Autism Dads, the Trisomy Dads, and the Dads out there who have donated part of themselves to save their child…  The Dads of so many different special needs out there.  I know how hard it is….  They deserve an extra special pat on the back!

So do all the SINGLE Dads out there doing it on their own. 

And last but not least, all the Fur Dad’s out there!!  We all know that we can love a pet as much as a child.  So all you furry Dad’s out there!  Love those furry babies!

I wonder if Sperm Donors think of themselves as Father's and wonder about the children, how many children, they have created.  Hummmmm....  

There are different kinds of Dads, they come in all shapes and sizes, and the thing they have in common is they love the children that they have a hand in helping to raise, shape, mold, and love into the amazing people they become.  No matter what kind of Dad you are, we hope – you – have a fantastic Father’s Day!!