I Failed...... Again...

Seriously ....

I must set such unrealistic expectations for myself that I just ...... can't.

First, I should have four books read - and reading number five.  I am only a page or three into book #3 ....  yep.  Fail (so far, but there is hope) ...

Second.....

I am almost a month behind in my blogging........  well...  because.......

and.......

But I have a plan - at this point....  I am going to do my daily blog, and then an old blog.  Then I won't be so overwhelmed ....  cuz I've gotten almost a month behind.  And although most of those entries are at least partially written - it's still pretty daunting.

And since I have basically done NOTHING today but sleep - be in bed - chat - game and eat just the little bit I was able to eat ....   this is going to be my whole post for today.  Well - I posted some Trisomy Awareness graphics I made a few years ago on FB too .... so yeah, not much at all.  Not much at all ... at all....

This is my post.  It counts.  :D

Meanwhile - I'm watching Time After Time ... I like it so far.  I'm ten minutes into it.

Based on the novel and 1979 movie of the same name "Time After Time" follows the adventures of famed science fiction writer H.G. Wells as he pursues one of history's most well-known serial killers, Jack the Ripper. Using a time machine, the two travel from the late 19th century to end up in modern day Manhattan. Once he arrives in New York, H.G. finds himself in awe of a world he never believed possible, but it's not only the advancements of the age that catch his eye... the young and beautiful Jane Walker also captivates him.

H.G. Wells is played by Freddie Stroma (where you might know him from: Harry Potter, Pitch Perfect, where I remember seeing him from .... UnREAL.)  Jack the Ripper/Dr. John Stevenson is played by Josh Bowman (where you might know him from: Make It or Break It, but where I recognize him from is Revenge - he played Daniel Grayson) .... they are both cuties.

Tomorrow we were supposed to be in Tacoma but that got rescheduled for later this month.  Probably a good thing since yesterday wore me out so badly that I slept most of the day away today ... I went to be (off the laptop, all that) at 10pm.  I didn't fall asleep until about 1:30 AM ....  BOLLOCKS!

Oh and my best friend made me cry today.  

See I sent J a link to My Unique Flowers - for the blog I posted on Rare Disease Day ...

Anyway - I guess she came over here (to A Page In My Book) and read the blog I wrote about her losing Jackson.  Our Little Fox.  It was about the only place I could grieve the loss of my nephew that day and I have to talk things out of my head to let them go (as Elsa says) ...

She apparently kept trying to leave a note, and couldn't ..... so she sent it to me.

I read it. You never know who will see one of your blogs and be inspired or comforted by what you wrote.

I also went and read the post about Jackson. I tried to post a comment but it won't go through. I tried on chrome and safari, even clicked to view the web version - still wouldn't post and I have no idea why. So I'm gonna c&p it to here. You can post it as a comment on there if you want to - I just dunno why it won't let me lol. Never had that problem before.

I made it through without crying until I got to the part where you said Kaedyn was crying too. That got me. Lol.

And from then on the floodgates opened

Ok here's the comment I was trying to post

If I could have asked God to send me the perfect best friend, and given him every detail of how she should be - her loyalty and compassion, her wit and sense of humor, her ability to see me through the darkest time of my life without backing away because her own pain was too much, her ability to make me smile when I felt like I never would again - if I could have dreamt all that up and imagined such a person existed, I wouldn't have believed it. You have been a rock, a beacon of light helping guide me through this hellish nightmare. Without your love and support I wouldn't have made it, simple as that. I love you and could never thank you enough or repay you enough to express how much you've meant to me - not just during this nightmare - but since the day I met you online all those years ago. All I can do is promise you that as the years continue to pass, we will experience the greatest joys and the most painful heartaches. But we'll be by each other's side come what may.

It was a very ugly cry, but she means the world to me.  <3

Emotions ....

I am trying hard to work out my feelings with everything that happened with Nathan.  I don't know why it's hitting me so hard.  Find out your child basically had a 50/50 chance to even live... and it's just so hard - I don't live in the land of what could have been or what if, and so I don't like being here.  But I have to make sense of things, and I can't seem to make sense of it.... and until I make sense of it, I can't seem to let it go.

It's like grasping onto a rope, hopelessly and helplessly - trying to surface for air but all you are doing is drowning ... you can't seem to gain control, and then finally, the rope is in your hand and your being pulled through the water ...  until suddenly - unexpectedly - you breech the surface of the water and finally manage to gasp for air - taking in each breath as it burns your lungs but it doesn't matter, because you are breathing.  You are breathing.   The shock is overwhelming, the numbness is a protective measure, and your mind tries to make sense of something that.... you may never, ever make sense of. 

My Son Almost Died .....  over on My Unique Flowers

I wrote the above blog, over at MUF ... it's me trying to work through things.  But I just can't seem to work through them.

On a happier note: Today DB and I were cuddling for a moment.  Stealing a moment together ....  he did one of my most favorite things in the world.   He looked at me and he said - just out of the blue - "do you know how beautiful you are?"

In that moment, I feel it, I believe him ...  he sees something I can't see, and it's not just my pretty face, he sees me.  It is the most amazing feeling in the world to know that your husband still finds you beautiful after years of marriage ...  almost 9 years together.  Not just physically but mentally.

It's an amazing feeling to know that I "get" him and he "gets" me ....

Tonight, I rolled over and started to spoon him, threw my arm over him.  He grabbed my hand and he held it for a moment....  and then he brought my hand up to his lips and he kissed my hand.

My heart swooned.  Not even joking.  I think that's the first time he's ever kissed my hand.

It's moments like that, that make me believe in true love.

Thankful to be HOME

I finally finished documenting the events of Nathan's hospital stay - the ups, the downs, the ICU...  all of it.  Once I hit the events of the ICU, I had a lot of trouble reflecting.  Don't want to think about it.  I want to forget it ever happened.   Why?   Because I donno about you - but even remotely thinking about my children's mortality is NOT FUN.   This is the second time I came pretty dang close to losing one of my children.

I told DB - I was going to have a talk with Noah and Nathan and tell them that this behavior was NOT OKAY .....  he reminded me Noah hasn't pulled anything like this since .... oh... 2011?

Here are all the blogs - which are all over on My Unique Flowers

The Monkey In The Asylum *Day 1-2*  ,,,,
The Monkey In The Asylum *Day 3* The ER  ....
The Monkey In The Asylum *Day 4* The Day of Sleep 
The Monkey In The Asylum *Day 5* Party Like A Rock Star 
The Monkey In The Asylum *Day 6* Crashing Down Down Down 
The Monkey In The Asylum *Day 7* On the Roller-coaster
The Monkey In The Asylum *Day 8* Exhaustion
The Monkey In The Asylum *Day 9* Out of the ICU
The Monkey In The Asylum *Day 10* No End in Sight.... 

The Monkey In The Asylum *Day 11* We're Going HOME!

11 + days of being sick (he still is but he's on the mend) .... 9 days in the ER/Hospital/ICU.  Two beat parents and a beat little boy too....

We've been home 2 full days now.  Nathan is doing well.  He's acting more himself today.  Need to go a bit slower on the feeds, he is still getting sick.

I took some picture yesterday, I didn't really take any pictures today.   I missed my cats.

I got some time with Marshmellow

Gallifrey is more DB's cat.  But he hung out around me.... that counts right?

Oh, it's great to know this is STILL going on .... phhhhhhhhhhth... LOL....

But I'm happy to be home!

And so is this kid!!!

Thjere are feet in my bed....  Feet....

Only pictures I took today - the cats.  Yep.... I think I missed them.

and to all - a good night.  

Day After the Ham Coma ....

Woke up this morning and feel like someone ran me over with a 6500 ton truck, backing over me, driving over me, over and over again ..... So sick :(

My temp ......

Kaedyn's temp...... oye....

After some ibuprofen we went outside to check out the bubble blower .....

This first picture (below) I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE because he's got a TRUE authentic smile!

Dr. Kaedyn was checking on his patient Gallifrey with the stethoscope today ..... he ... ah.... couldn't find his heartbeat.  Might have nothing to do with the fact that he was listening to his SIDE and not where his heart is.... right?

Got April's calender done.... my baby turns 8 in just a few short days!!!!  And Shila turns 21!!  Too bad she can't celebrate it properly huh?

Got Kaedyn's fever down some, he passed out.  He ended up sleeping from 3 until well, he just woke up a few minutes ago (almost 10pm)

This however is MY temp............ fan-freaking-tastic

Nathan's feed bag tonight.  Again - only 2 boxes again.

Pups are 6 weeks old tomorrow :)

DB brought me home this tonight ......   it was.... okay.  Nothing I would seek out to buy again.  I'm just not a HUGE fan of white chocolate.  I love the white chocolate covered Oreos ... lol.... but these, ... meh....

Back doing my X-Files Marathon too!!  Yay!!!

March 27th in Review ......

Hellooooooooo Today!  

Jax won't sit still. Or maybe I'm just super shaky.

Then there is THIS.....  day 102.  Feels like this has been going on FOREVER ....

Which is WAY better than this!!!  Holy COW what a difference!!!

Another super simple on the fly bag - just feeling so crappy today :(   Feeling so out of sorts and just ... almost ....  I donno how to explain it.  Almost like I'm out of body.  Spacey I guess.

Soooooooooo tired of being sick allllllll the time.  :/

Kaedyn sleeping ---- took him 15 minutes into Triple G tonight.

Jax my love........

Fangirl TIME!!!!!!

 Episodes watched during my marathon today .......

Can I just have this ring?  Please?????  

Okay - I have to say I'm about half way through (more than) season 4 and I'm really confused as to why I don't remember any of these episodes!!   I am really confused.  I know I watched X-files religiously at that time.  But I seriously do not remember any of these episodes????  The only one I remember was Never Again from last night.  And I knew the title of it and everything the second I saw it.  So ...... Odd.   Was I abducted and my memory probed?  Hummmmmm ....