Our Little Fox ....

So something horrible happened at the end of this last year.  Literally - life altering and devastating.

Those of you who know me (have been following me, know my story, whatever) ... you know that I have had a rough journey to have my four babies. (not counting the adopted one.)  I have had 16 miscarriages, four births, 19 pregnancies - at least one set of twins (which counts as both one miscarriage and one live birth, because I had a miscarriage and found out I was still pregnant, with Cal.)

I went through YEARS of infertility.  I went on fertility drugs to get pregnant with Noah.

Miscarriage  Cal was born. Five years of infertility and 4 miscarriages.  Fertility drugs resulting in Noah.  Followed by five more years of infertility and 5 more miscarriages, one miscarriage was a fertility drug baby.  Divorce.  Miscarriage with ex-boyfriend.  Met DB. Had a miscarriage, got pregnant with Nathan.  Decided to try again for our last baby... miscarriage on our 1 year anniversary and then two weeks later, on fertility drugs, on New Years Eve we got pregnant ... along came Kaedyn.  Three more miscarriages after Kaedyn and DB having a vasectomy while I was pregnant with Kaedyn... so yeah.

One of those babies was almost to the end of the 1st trimester.  It has been a devastating road for me.  And then there was Noah's pregnancy where I was being told through almost the whole pregnancy that he was going to die. I was numb through the whole pregnancy. I didn't buy stuff for the baby, because it was being beat into my head I'd have to bury him.  I'd go into the babies department at the stores and I'd pick out little boy things - and I'd put them back. I didn't want to come home and see a bunch of baby stuff and not have a baby.  Even though on the outside I seemed strong and hopeful, inside I was a quivering mess.  I was scared.  Terrified.  Numb.  The whole pregnancy.  Numb.  

Never once, though, did I actually sit there and think about having to make arrangements for my baby if he died.

2016 was amazing with one thing.  My best friend who met her husband the same time I met DB had FINALLY gotten pregnant with a baby she didn't miscarry right away.  After NINE YEARS she finally had a sticky bean!  We both had good feelings about the pregnancy from the start.  This was the one - this was her Rainbow Baby!!

I was so excited for her.  Over the MOON excited.  They found out he was a boy (which I predicted  from the start!) ... and they decided they were going to do a Fox theme ... and his name was going to be Fox there for awhile, but they changed it to Jackson.  Jackson Hank.  "Jax" for short.

On December 30th ... my best friend was 31 weeks pregnant.  She had just had an ultrasound a couple days before hand, he was "fine" .... she messaged me that day and said something to the effect of .... I haven't felt him move much all day, I'm worried.   We discussed her laying on her side, drinking some juice or SOMETHING cold, wake him up, do a kick count.  For those that don't know, a kick count is when you lay down and count how many times the baby kicks, if the baby kicks less than a certain number of times in a certain period of time, something maybe wrong.  The first time, he didn't move. I told her to go in.  She said she felt silly for going in for something that was probably nothing.  I thought it was because it was better safe than sorry but she had been having some BAD experiences with doctors, a lot of them making her feel like an inch tall and stupid.   She got to the point where she was just hating going in because none of these doctors had any bed side manner.  She tried everything she could get him to move.  She checked for his heartbeat twice, found it both times - in the 150's.  But at about 3 AM on December 31, New Years Eve, she started to freak out and woke up her husband, had him take her in.

What happened next, blindsided everyone.  She messaged me around 5AM and told me, the news wasn't good, he was gone. They were prepping her for a c-section now. 

I remember I sat there - holding my phone - thinking....  she's joking.

I thought - oh she's messaging me in her sleep again - this is a nightmare.  She'll wake up and tell me "ha ha ha - that was a horrible dream - sorry to make you panic."   But I knew that wasn't going to happen.

It wasn't going to happen.   And I lost it.

I started sobbing uncontrollably.  I woke up my husband, told him.  He said "No, no way.  What did they do to deserve that?  They didn't do anything, that was their miracle baby."

I told our other friends, M & D.  I put a message in our group message.

I couldn't focus on anything, I knew she was having him at that moment, I couldn't do anything.  Not one thing. So I posted on facebook.  I wanted to surround them with prayers, positive thoughts, any good vibes I could ask for.  PLEASE just ... something.

I need everyone to stop and please say a prayer, send loving thoughts... just take a moment. I am heartbroken today. I am absolutely heartbroken. My best friend was 31 weeks pregnant with a baby boy named Jackson, a baby loved and adored an desperately wanted. A baby we are all so excited about, because after 9 years of infertility and early miscarriages, here he was - the answer to their prayers. I am sitting here in tears writing this. She just had an ultrasound, everything was fine. But there was no movement today, and she went in to find out that his little tiny heart had stopped. I'm heartbroken and I know that her and her family are utterly beyond devastated. The grief I am feeling is no where near what they are feeling right now. At this very moment - this little boy is being born so that they can say goodbye. She is desperate need of prayers right now. Please. Nothing can make this okay, but her world just ended and I know how she is feeling right now. I need everyone to just stop a moment. I'm at a loss right now on what to do. We were all - already - desperately in love with this little guy. <3 I'm not going to tag her in this, she's an extremely private person, and most of her family doesn't know. You can leave messages here for her, but if you know her, please don't put anything on her page. You can PM me for any other info. Just PLEASE she needs to be surrounded with love and prayers right now. 2016 is the worst year ever. Hug your babies - no matter their age - a lot harder today.

I felt useless.  Stuck. She lives on the other side of the country and I just wanted to be there to hold her.  To help her through this.  To help shoulder some of her grief.

I cried.  I cried.  I cried some more.  I was numb.  I was devastated.  Beyond the loss of Jackson, I was beyond worried about my best friend.  I knew what this baby meant to her, to them.  I knew everything he was - represented - how much he was loved and wanted and .... kept thinking it wasn't real. But it was.  I knew it was.  So worried about my friend.

Finally the message came, the message just dripping with pain.  Telling me he was 4lbs 12oz and he was 17.5 inches.  And she sent me photos.

I lost it.  Looking at him.  Perfection.  He was perfection.  His tiny little face, his perfect looking nose.  OMG he had cheeks for days.  So chubby.  And his hair, his reddish blond hair, he was a ginger?  He's a ginger!  He looks as if the's just asleep.   Perfection in a tiny little boy, fast asleep.

      
(Photo I edited, turing it more into a painting)

I lost it.  Shared the news with those who were asking me.  Asked them to leave J alone right now, and let her come to them.  To respect the fact that they hadn't even said anything about it on Facebook or anything.

Tiny little prefect boy who was born with angel wings...

Again I felt helpless.  I wanted to help - couldn't do anything.  I stayed up all night, waiting for her to message me - just incase she needed me, needed to talk.  I barely slept New Years Eve day...  I played with the few photos she sent me.

I made a cute little announcement for him ....

Colored this little gem ....  and then edited it.

     Her sister sent her photos she took .... and this is our favorite.  I think it's everyone's favorite.

                      
It kills me that I can't take on some of her grief, because it's consuming her - which it should and is to be expected.  But I hate seeing her hurting.  All I can do it be here for her, to listen to her, tell her everything she is feeling, thinking, experiencing, doing is completely normal (which it is.)  All I can do is love her and support her and tell her how prefect Jackson is, and how much he was loved by not only her, and her husband, and Jackson's sisters...  his Aunts, Cousins, Grandparents, Friends - everyone...

He wasn't something special....  he IS someone special.

She has every reason to be mad, to ask why, to feel guilt - even though she has nothing to feel guilty about!  I just want her feeling better.  I can't make it better.

I had to tell my family, Auntie J and Uncle P are heartbroken.  There were tears.  Kaedyn wanted to know everything, he looked at the pictures with me, he cried with me.  I had to explain to him what an umbilical cord is, a placenta, and how Jackson had a knot in his cord and the cord was wrapped around his neck twice.  Kaedyn's cord was wrapped around his neck too.

I wonder if maybe Jackson didn't make it because he had a two vessel cord and one of the vessels got clamped off somehow?  I am angry at that ultrasound tech who acted like her day was the worst and she was beyond busy, just didn't seem to care.  I want to blame her and her rudeness.  I want to throw things at the radiologist who told that ultrasound tech she did a good job, when she didn't.  I want to blame someone too, so they are going to have to shoulder it.  It is not J's fault.  Not P's fault.  It isn't Jackson's fault for being a flippy little flipster and tying knots in his cord. If that Ultrasound Tech could have SEEN the issues, the outcome could have been different.  I am angry too.  I am mostly angry that my best friend had to say goodbye to this miracle.

Jackson will always live on, he won't be forgotten.  He will be honored and something will come from this ....  I'll help her as much as I can.

They went to pick out his urn today, they didn't want to bury him in the ground, but rather have him with them - so they had him cremated.  I started a list of things for her - support groups, ideas to help her in her grief, a link to cremation jewelry (which is amazing.) ... some ideas...

All I can say is that we are all heartbroken.  But I will do my best to support her and be there for her whenever she needs me to be there.

(love you!)

(March 7, 2017 - I am adding this: This is something J messaged me today: )

I also went and read the post about Jackson. I tried to post a comment but it won't go through. I tried on chrome and safari, even clicked to view the web version - still wouldn't post and I have no idea why. So I'm gonna c&p it to here. You can post it as a comment on there if you want to - I just dunno why it won't let me lol. Never had that problem before.

I made it through without crying until I got to the part where you said Kaedyn was crying too. That got me. Lol.

And from then on the floodgates opened

Ok here's the comment I was trying to post

If I could have asked God to send me the perfect best friend, and given him every detail of how she should be - her loyalty and compassion, her wit and sense of humor, her ability to see me through the darkest time of my life without backing away because her own pain was too much, her ability to make me smile when I felt like I never would again - if I could have dreamt all that up and imagined such a person existed, I wouldn't have believed it. You have been a rock, a beacon of light helping guide me through this hellish nightmare. Without your love and support I wouldn't have made it, simple as that. I love you and could never thank you enough or repay you enough to express how much you've meant to me - not just during this nightmare - but since the day I met you online all those years ago. All I can do is promise you that as the years continue to pass, we will experience the greatest joys and the most painful heartaches. But we'll be by each other's side come what may.