Shhhhhhhhhhhh, don't tell my husband!!
Well - good news. The annoying little name tag at the bottom of my blogs is no longer there! POOF! Gone! I kept getting error messages and it was annoying me anyway ... Moving on!
Once upon a time, there was a girl who was just a lovely soul with so many voices in her head that when the world was quiet - they were the loudest - and she could never sleep when the owls were awake. Sometimes I wish the voices weren't talking in other languages ... it would be nice to understand them... and then I could write ...
I forgot to mention it, but .... Noah has one more appointment to make any last adjustments with his braces, and then on February 9th ... he gets them off! 3 years he's had them on at the end of the month.
I am digging my Hallmark movies lately. I watched both The Birthday Wish and A Royal Winter in the wee hours of insomnia. I enjoyed both of them.
I think I liked The Birthday Wish better. It is a concept that has been done before, however - both have been done.
The Birthday Wish is about a girl who is with the wrong guy going in a direction that she is conforming herself to fit to the wrong guy instead of being herself. Right guy is right there in her every day life and she makes a birthday wish to see what her life will be like in ten years and is shocked by what she saw. I thought it was going to be like The Family Man, where he lives in that time period or alternate universe, but she just saw a glimpse of the future.
And then there was A Royal Winter .... which is basically - really sweet girl meets Prince in disguise (only not much of a disguise) and how they basically fight to be together (although there wasn't much of a fight) ... lol... but it was still a good little twist to a very popular plot.
Here you go - no need to thank me because you are already welcome! No politics from me! But damn I'm tired of FB being 80% politics and "YOU ARE WRONG, I AM RIGHT" bullshit... There are things I won't bend on, there are things I am passionate about - however the situations is what it is. That is all I'm going to say. I'm just tired of all the fighting .... bring back the cats and the babies!
and then I saw this ...
There is some stuff going on in my life right now. There is a lot of drama falling on me thanks to my ex husband. My ex-husband is crazy. I'm not saying that because I'm his ex-wife... I am saying that because it's true. He is justifiably a psychopath. Let me explain a little bit. I met my ex in 1994. Introduced by a friend (she's still a great friend.)... he was a friend of her younger brother, but was six months older than I was. I was 18 when we met. At first she tried to fix us up, and then she changed her tune. We didn't actually go out on our first date for months. When we did, I thought I had no interest of going on a 2nd date with him. But he ended up showing up here and there, he showed up at my apartment and wouldn't go away. I thought it was sweet, at the time, that he was so persistent. What I didn't realize at the time was that he was literally stalking me. I see it pretty clear now, but at the time I didn't.
I'm not saying that because I'm a vengeful ex-wife, and I hate him. I admit I am not fond of him, I never will be after what I went through with him and what he did, but I have also been the biggest advocate of his relationship with his children (Cal & Noah) ... not that he will ever realize it or admit it. His only goal in life, it seems, is to blame me for everything - and frankly I'm sick of it. I think he is a complete pilgarlic (look it up, I'm not calling him bald) ... aka a git ... I do not think highly of him or his intelligence. I spent the last ten years updating him on the boys, trying to keep communications open with him and the boys. He'd send them (usually) a Christmas card and birthday cards (at the same time)... but otherwise very very rarely write the boys. He had no problem writing me... either arguing with me or telling me he still loves me, thinks of me as his wife (although we've been divorced over a decade) ... how he wishes that things between us were not the way they are (i.e. he wants me back) ... and telling people that he and I realized that we made a mistake and that we'd be getting back together when he gets out of prison. (NOT going to happen.)
I have tried to make it clear to him on multiple occasions that him and I in any sort of fashion - together - will never happen. If DB and I split up, and he was the last man on Earth, I would mate with a tree. So the likelihood of that happening on a scale of 0 to 100 would be a -3480200885 ... just saying.
Maybe the last time I said that to him it finally got through... doubt it. I mean - realistically, he is a delusional idiot. He convinced me that he was having an affair with my (then) best friend...
The past is a rabbit hole, that I fall down a lot. It is HONESTLY one I have GOT to stop going down, and I'm working on that. Unfortunately until Noah is 18 ... I don't know what I am going to do. For the next three years ... I don't know if I will even update him on the kids or not.
As if it weren't bad enough with him treating me like he has ... with all the (literal) crap I have put up with... But he also writes two of my best friends and tells them how much he loves them. Both of them. He denies loving other people to one, says that since 2006 it has only been her that he has loved. He hasn't said "I love you" to another person. (Which is a lie, because he has told me, he was supposedly heavily involved with a prison guard at one time, and he made hints.)
I wouldn't even have contact with him if I didn't feel it was incredibly important for his biological children to know him, to make their own choices on how they feel about him when they are old enough to do so. I have always been honest with them, and answered any questions they have had (in age appropriate ways through the years.) I have always told them that even though their dad did something really wrong, it didn't mean he didn't love them. That was my line I towed. And until recently, I never said a damn bad word about him infront of either kid.
Well, actually that's not true. When he and I were splitting up, I did go to Noah's pre-school and tell his teacher (whom I loved, she was awesome!) and tell her that if Noah came to school saying the words "whore" or "skank" it was my fault - totally got it from me. Of course it was when I was completely convinced that my ex husband and my best friend were hooking up - because she had everything to lose if they were and would have all the reason to deny it (which she was) and he had everything to lose (his family) by saying it was happening. Soooooooo ... he was convincing at that point. He was sleeping with her, he was spending every moment he could with her and every moment he couldn't be with her on the phone with her (and her and I were never on the phone like that) ... and I was so angry at HER not him ... I was angry at him too but the hurt I felt, all the pain I felt - was centered more around her betraying me then him, because - honestly - even though I had been trying to make my marriage work, I didn't love him anymore. I didn't - I loved him as a person, as my partner at the time, but I didn't love him like a wife should. I wasn't even sure I liked him very much. So it was the betrayal I felt she did that hurt the most.
Regardless, ten years later, I had discovered the truth, in his own handwriting, that the affair had never happened. Nor had the affair with the manager he worked with the first time he "cheated" on me. And he admitted that he didn't love me after the first year of marriage (although I don't think he ever really TRULY loved me) and that the only reason he stayed with me was because it was "comfortable" ...
Which is what I felt, and knew and why I had always told DB that I would not be a convenience .... I couldn't be. I spent ten years being a convenience.
My ex husband, about a year into our relationship, right after Calahan was born, he started getting sick. (My ex, not Cal.) ... and six months after he started to experience symptoms, through a long process, he was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease ... through our whole marriage there was that hanging over our heads. He had to have surgery, to save his life. He had to have all of his large intestines removed ... he had to have a hole put in his belly where his small intestines would empty out into a bag that had to be there all the time - called an ileostomy. It wasn't easy, it made him very self conscious. He once told me that he wishes that I hadn't pushed him to get the surgery and he wished he had died instead.
But yeah. My first marriage was a horrible continuous void of unhappiness. I didn't realize it at the time, I didn't realize nearly how much until I was out ... it was like the weekend I said "divorce" was the first day of freedom cuz I didn't care after that. I knew I was done, it was just working through the grief of the end of the marriage ... meaning - I never wanted to or expected to get a divorce. I was raised to do everything possible to make it work out. And I did. I put five years into it that I wish I hadn't.
If I could change my past, and it meant that my present wouldn't change... I would do it in a heartbeat.
But I have a hard time saying that - because the way things went down I was in the right spot at the right time to meet DB. I had to leave him when I did, start dating when I did, have my rebound relationship, a few other short lived fires....give up on guys and just decide to be me and learn to live with me and the boys, single Mom of two ... I joined a few more free dating things online just to make friends, Then DB came along.... he swept me off my feet, and I was in love with him before I even met him.
My ex and I had our first date, and I didn't even want to see him again. And then to find out over the past ten years (while married to DB) that systematically practically every single thing he has ever said to me, has been a lie. I cannot think of one truth he told me now ..... not one thing.
When I think of the "worst" memories with him. The ones that - like - hurt the worst and shocked me to the core. It wasn't that he punched dents or holes into the garage door, refrigerators, through doors and in walls.... it wasn't the day he threw a hot wheel car at me when we were separated and it flew over my head hitting the wall of picture frames behind me, shattering glass all around me and Noah who was three years old at the time. It wasn't the day he twisted my wrist so hard and then told me to call the cops because he put marks on me, it was a dare not a request. I didn't call. It wasn't the day that he disconnected the phone lines from the house and stalked around the outside, leaving me no way to call the cops while he sat on his cell phone. It was none of that.
The worst two memories ... the first one that comes to mind is the day Noah had been born. I had been in the hospital for days. I had gotten transferred, by ambulance, two hours from home to have the baby the next day. My Mom, my (ex) husband, and Calahan followed me in the car. They got there shortly after me. It was snowing, it was a pretty good snow storm. I was really sick, the baby was sick and we had been told repeatedly the baby wasn't going to live. We were told, warned, it was practically beat into our head that we would bury our son. I got to the hospital, asked for something to drink and was told I couldn't have anything because they might have to do the c-section that day, not the following day like they had thought. I know there was a lot of trouble keeping Noah's heartbeat on the ride through the snow storm to the hospital. I remember being terrified. TERRIFIED. They started an ultrasound, found out the placenta was failing. My ex husband walked into the room with my Mom and son and he said to me .... "Okay I'm leaving, going to go snowmobiling." I was floored. He was more concerned about going out snowmobiling then his son. I wanted to scream. I said to him, "You aren't going anywhere" and he was going to fight me on it until I told him the baby was going to be born that day. And even then, he rarely stayed to visit. He would spend the weekends with me while Noah was in the NICU but usually he was snowmobiling. He didn't care about me. Not then, not even a little.
The second thing that comes to mind is the last Christmas together. It was our last Christmas as a family. He and I were separated but still under the same roof... and it was Christmas Eve and I tucked the boys into bed, and started to set up for the big man stopping by ... got stuff set up, there had been laughs and pictures and we had put out cookies and milk before bed. Once I was sure they were asleep, I started getting gifts out, started to set up toys, make sure there were batteries. After all was said and done, I did everything. Every damn thing. I was sooo angry that he spent the whole night with her. That his family wasn't important enough, that his KIDS were not important. He didn't even bother to come home for Christmas Eve. When he did come home, I was so flippin pissed. The next morning, he got up at like 6 AM, he came into my room and crawled into bed with me like he was going to get something, I told him to get the fuck away from me. He then went and woke up the boys. He didn't let them wake up on their own, I had only gotten about 2 hours of sleep, he got Noah up and he and Noah crawled into bed with me and my three year old son was there, I wanted to punch that fucking asshat in the face. I put on a smile, and gave him a piece of my mind. I remember he made some comment like - Mommy is so grouchy, she's wrecking Christmas. I was done at that point. We had a happy morning (I had a happy morning with my kids, he was just a fucking insect that kept annoying the piss out of me.) It just showed, really showed, what his priorities were.
I can't trust anything out of my ex's mouth. Nothing. So he's writing my b-friend *S* and telling her he loves her and she's everything to him. He's telling her that if she doesn't talk to him, there is no reason for him to live.
In his last letter to me, he told me to leave him alone and not to write anymore. So I told them to tell him, I wouldn't be writing anymore and good luck on getting updates on his kids.
Meanwhile, he's writing my b-friend *M* trying to start up a relationship with her. Telling her they can get a place together, that he will love her better than her abusive husband, saying he'll make sure she's provided for and they can do it. It's ridicules. Things he said to me at one time... but I know his game. I know it. See he's about to get out of prison, and he desperately wants to avoid the half way house or whatever/where ever he's going to be placed ... so he's going to create himself another lie of a relationship so he's not alone ... it's EXACTLY what he did to me it feels like.
And luckily, I have told her so - and she has no intention of doing it. Infact, she's is disgusted by it.
I told her he was going to do this. There it was. ::: shakes my head :::
I'm done with him. Done cuz I just can't do it anymore. He's a nut job. I just can't.
Anyway ... onto happier things....
Jaxson wouldn't leave my side today. I had to give him permission a few times to leave the room for someone to take him out to go potty. Seriously - he would just keep laying there and laying there and I'd go "It's okay Jaxson, go outside and go potty!" and he'd get up and go out and come back up and on the bed when he came back inside.
I caught up on the two episodes of Hawaii Five-O I was behind on. I am a huge fan of Alex O'Loughlin and I have been for years... since August Rush and Moonlight. Jaxson, of course, was keeping me company. (Notice the tissue, it wasn't for crying, just for blowing my snot box)
But I literally just feel like crap.
My faithful buddy ....
And these two sassy butts... LOL....
I wanted to get out of the house, for a bit... so between DB and Cal getting home from the college and DB leaving to go get the boys at school, we put the big dogs in the van and went to go pick up the boys. I shouldn't have gone, I felt miserable the whole time.
So we got home and I ended up crawling back into bed ... ended up watching Garage Sale Mystery: All That Glitters ...
I watched AT the first movie in the Garage Sale Mystery series but I couldn't get into it when I watched it, so I hadn't watched any of the others. But I figured I'd give it another chance, so YAY!! I really enjoyed it. I have one other on the DVR to watch, I might watch it tonight yet, or if I can't sleep and the insomnia beast decides to try to kill me...
So DB and I were checking out this new show. Not 100% certain we'd like it. But once we watched it, we were kinda hooked. Especially since DB is going to school for Cyber Security ... and the cat uses a lot of that type of stuff to find the mice.
These are the teams that are "on the run" on the show... this first night, we saw two of the teams start out. It's a basic "Cat and Mouse" scheme ... These are the Mice....
These are the Cats ....
Needless to say we saw our first night of the run, but also our first elimination .... We saw David & Emiley start out and Matt & Christina. I think that David and Emiley have a really good chance. David has been "on the run" before in (what sounds like) his teenage years. He turned his life around and now he is a criminal defense lawyer ...
But seriously I don't think Matt & Christina had a chance. Not one chance at all. 1: Matt is like six and a half feet tall (and I'm talking 6'6 or taller - I forget exactly how told but it was freaking tall) ... and there is absolutely NO WAY he could even begin to blend into a crowd! And then there was their very very rookie mistake of "let's use the ATM at the bus station" two minutes before boarding a bus. If it hadn't been for that alert, and that location, and the fact that they already had pictures of them in their disguises thanks to the ATM camera ... because they didn't even bother to hide the fact that they were wearing really bad wigs (he was wearing a longish black woman's wig and she was wearing a short blonde boy wig... LOL.... so of course the Cats were waiting as soon as they got off the bus.
After that, we watched the new Celebrity Apprentice ... I loved the Harry Potter task. I would have nailed that too. And I mean - come ON ... Mr. Announcer for American Ninja Warrior .... he was a HUGE Potterworld Fanboy and NAILED it beyond nailed it. And his whole team (who had no Harry Potter trivia knowledge themselves, like, Potterworld virgins... had NO CLUE what he was talking about and literally thought he was off his rocker. He won. Single-handed .... basically.
I was taking pictures and hand my camera on resting on my leg... so I thought - I would play a little bit.
BEDTIME boys... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ..... yep, that covers it. First I get the "I'll kill you in your sleep" look, followed my sinister laughter.....
So after the boys went to sleep, I did watch the other Garage Sale Mystery: The Wedding Dress ... and oh boy! I thought this one was really good.
The worst part of yesterday was ... my sister messaged me, she told me that they had found her step-dad ... the only dad she knew in her whole life ... and he had died. I talked about this in my last blog but I want to talk more about it.
Every time I call her my sister - I feel like I have to explain. Because it's still new! Ya know? I have always wanted a sister. Someone who I am really close to - can confide in ... I always wanted that close sibling relationship of sisters but I never got it.
My older two half sisters I have see twice or three times in my whole life. I tried to friend one on FB but she never accepted, not even sure she saw. They both blame my Dad for their family falling apart. I don't know anything about it. My Dad has only talked about his first marriage to me in reference to my sisters and his lack of relationship with them because their mom poisoned them against him, basically. My younger brother - I haven't even seen him for - gawd - I don't know.. since we were kids. But I know his wife, I have met her and see her occassionally, and she seems super sweet and I like her a lot. My younger sister ... I mean, I tried. My feelings on this, is..... I feel as if she felt the need to put me in my place. Every comment she made on my FB was kinda negative or condescending ... it was like a combination of putting me down and that she was trying to prove she was smarter than me. Then came the moments where it was as if she were strutting around like a Peacock, showing off her feathers because SHE was the one he raise, she was Daddy's Girl ... and I wasn't ... she got our Dad and I didn't. Then one day, I noticed she deleted me from facebook (as her friend) and that was that. We haven't spoken to each other since, and that was a few years ago. After the way she treated me, which she may have not have realized for all I know, I'm not sure I want that kind of crap back in my life though.
So ..... Heather and I grew up together. Her mom and my mom were best friends... and so every summer they would come into town to visit Heather's grandma and Heather and I would hang out all the time. Heather and I were close - sadly she lived in Georgia and I in Wisconsin and we didn't get to talk a lot outside of summer because ... long distance phone calls could add up fast and we were horrible at writing letters.... so yeah...
So two years ago this March, Heather's mom and my mom's best friend died. It wasn't exactly expected, but at least there was a short time to come to terms. Sadly, Heather never got that last needed conversation with her mom. She didn't get to say goodbye the way she would have wanted. Her mom was unconscious and it was only then that it was clear she wasn't going to make it. Prior to that we all thought her mom was getting better and healing.
So my mom rushed to Georgia and was there for Heather through as much as the funeral as she could be. She told Heather that she was her Mom now, and it was okay. She still had family. We're always family. So we started talking again - a lot. And we've gotten really close. I do think of her as my sister, whole-heartedly ...
So then yesterday, Heather got a phone call. Her Step-Dad, who hasn't been the same since losing his wife... and Heather has been really busy, so she hasn't seen him a lot. She's been grieving HARD. There is not time limit on how long you have to grieve and losing your mom .... it's a rough one.
My best friend lost her baby which was also a very large arrow to my heart because I loved that little boy already, I was so beyond excited to see his birth in pictures and start watching him grow up....and my heart was breaking and weeping for her because she was in pain. And I wanted to see the joy on her face.
And now Heather ... and her dad....
.... and part of me can't help but think that maybe he died of a broken heart. Or at least he is with his wife now.
I said to DB that I feel like the my year so far has been nothing but being supportive to both my best friend, and now to my sister. I love being their rock, I do ... but it's hard too. I have such a compassionate heart, and I feel everything so hard and strong... it's the empathy ... I feel it all. Right in that moment, still grieving with my best friend, and now facing grieving with my sister. I had a moment of weakness, and I told DB that I didn't know how I could handle it. But I will. I'll handle it because they are my life. They are my people. They are two of the most important people in my life. It doesn't matter if she's in North Carolina and Heather is in Georgia.
My brother in law lost points with me last night because he called my sister SELFISH for calling him when she had been told, and telling him. He said he was mad because she called and that was selfish of her, and it wrecked the night of football for him. It heart my heart sooooooo badly for her. So bad. He did apologize, but ... words can't be erased with I'm sorry. You know that's what he was feeling in that moment. It was his truth right that moment. Once you say words, you can't take them back.
Words can haunt.
And speaking of haunting. Heather is being haunted through her new grief, blaming herself when it's no where NEAR her fault at all. She was told that her dad's brother went to her parent's house. He couldn't get in, wasn't getting a response, knew he was home, so he called the police... and got in. they found him dead. He had been there for awhile. Like... 3 weeks. It was bad. There is going to be an investigation.
She's blaming herself, it's her fault, she should have been there more, etc and so on. They were both grieving. Maybe Heather didn't make so much time for him because every time she did she was reminded that her mom was gone, and the sadness is so thick. Sometimes you have to avoid things to survive. Sometimes you can't walk into the thick sadness because you know that you will drown. You can't face that until you know that you have the strength to tread water and so until you are absolutely sure you can tread, you can't even set toe into that sadness. Heather was surviving, the only way she knew how. I can't take the guilt from her, and I can't fix it.... but I can be there to support her. I can be her shoulder and her emotional support. I can do that, and I will do that.
I will support two of the most important people in my life because that's who I am. They two are my two main people. They are my rocks when I need them. This won't change, ever. I won't let it. So I will be that person and I will shoulder the grief with them and feel it all like they feel because I can understand. The are my family.
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