I know I know.... 2 entries in 2 days? WOW ... she's on a roll!!
Tonight I find myself feeling really alone. My husband is home, three out of four kids are home ... (Cal and Shila are out at her Grandpa's cleaning out her (their) trailer) ... but I just feel alone. Like I'm on my own little island - screaming out - and no one reacts. Like I'm in a box of glass, life going on around me, but no one pays any attention to me or realizes that I'm stuck in this box of glass. I'm there, but no one can hear my screams.......
The weird thing about this is that I feel stupid for even feeling this way.
"Okay," you say? "So why do you feel this way?"
Well ... let's talk about school shootings for a minute.
On February 22, 2012... yesterday was the anniversary .... 6 years ago yesterday... a young 9-year-old boy took a gun to school. He had gotten the gun from his Mom's dresser when he was visiting her the weekend before the shooting. He had that gun in his possession for several days (the shooting happened on a Wednesday.) His mom did not have custody of him. He lived with his uncle who had custody of him. He took that gun and decided to take the gun to school because he felt kids were being mean to him. <--- bullying is a REAL issue also
6 years ago yesterday... I had a hoooooooooorible migraine. Because of that migraine, I couldn't get Noah up and ready for school and to catch the bus. So he stayed home. I managed to get the migraine to subside to tolerable levels. So Noah was home....
The gun was in this little boy's backpack. No one really knows what happened next, but somehow the gun went off from inside his backpack and hit the little 8 year old 3rd grade girl who sat next to him.
The first thing that alerted me that something was wrong was that I kept hearing helicopters. Here are two pictures I took that day ...
I kept saying "What the hell is going on" ... I hadn't had the TV on or any of that, so I turned it on and holy shit..... my world was rocked.
I see that my son's school is on the TV. Things that I recognize and see every school day. Noah was in 4th grade at the time. The people on TV start talking about how there was a school shooting and not a lot was truly known. I was shocked, floored, you name it ...
Then there is reports that a 3rd grade student pulled out a gun and shot another 3rd grade student in the stomach. Put the gun right up to her and shot her.
That wasn't the truth of what happened, but that's what was originally reported. There were panicked parents, and there were panicked kids, the kids weren't being released to the parents... and it was horrifying.
My child was home, with me, because I couldn't function that morning and get him on the bus because of my migraine.
I had never been thankful for a migraine before, but holy crap - I was thankful that day.
I was watching, holding and hugging my Noah,
There were news choppers ... and the little girl who had been shot was life-flighted to Seattle ...
Hours later the kids were finally reunited with their parents. I didn't have to go through that panic, or the tears of not knowing if my kid was okay, I didn't have to wait in the mob of parents wanting to just be reunited with my child.... that day I didn't have to go through that....
.... but I was still majorly effected. This is one of my worst fears. This is one of the worst fears for any parent.
I had ended up pulling Noah out of public school at the end of that year. I had a very very very hard time even sending him back to that school for the rest of the school year. There were other reasons I pulled him out of school and started to homeschool him, but this was definitely a major factor.
And it since then, I have left it up to Noah. Noah asked to TRY to go back to school this past October. His first day was Halloween (after a month of getting things set up) ...
So this morning, there was a phone call to all the High School parents saying school at BHS (abbreviation for the high school) was closed for the day.
Yesterday was a snow day, and we thought today might be one from the black ice all over. We live in the middle of a really steep hill up and down... right in the middle. So the plan was to call the kids in - ANYWAY - due to not trusting the driveways either way to get in or out of our complex. DB drives the kids in, so we didn't feel it was 100% safe to get them in.
But the High School called and said BHS was closed regardless. Why you might ask? ....
On social media there was a post found threatening to go in and shoot up BHS. (No school fully named, just BHS.) So I guess all schools abbreviated to "BHS" around the nation closed up to be on the safe side. WHICH is exactly what I would hope they would do. I want my child safe. I would much rather the school be closed for no reason, instead of taking the chance with my child's life.
I fought too hard to not only get this kid born safe and alive, but to keep him alive when a bunch of doctors said he wouldn't live.
But the event, even though it turned out to be directed at a school in New Mexico, brought up all those fears from that day, seeing my son's school on the news, knowing what all those parents and students must be going through. I just couldn't....
I was a blubbering mess and my kid was safe the whole time....
And this is the second time that my life was being DIRECTLY EFFECTED by anything having to do with school shootings. And with the same kid, no less.
And I'm sitting here - silently in the middle of an anxiety induced freak out and no one to really talk to... Sure my husband gets it but ... certainly I can talk to some of my friends about it ... but I also know that no matter the amount of talking, the amount of "it's okay" or "it'll all be fine" ... or whatever encouraging words that might be handed my way will make this feeling in my brain and in my heart and that I'm fighting with my own anxiety not to have - none of it will actually make it go way. I'll have this horrible feeling of dread and fear follow me for the next little while no matter how unrealistic it might be.
::: sigh :::
In this day and age that this is a real threat ... it's no longer a "it won't happen to us" because I think that no matter who or where ... everyone realizes that this could happen to them ... to their kids... at their school ... to someone they may know.
IT CAN HAPPEN to any of us.
WHY has there been no real steps? WHY has nothing really been done? There needs to be better laws on guns, more control on gun. People are all "it's not the guns fault" and "guns don't kill people..." ... No, they don't. But stricter laws on guns, not having them so readily available, something needs to be done. No one thinks the gun wakes up in the morning and goes, "oh hey, lets go kill people today!" ... but the people who have access to guns do....
This actually shouldn't be "School Shootings" ... this should be "SHOOTINGS AT SCHOOLS"
HERE IS THE RUN DOWN VIA SNOPES:
Breaking Out the Numbers
As of Everytown’s 15 February update, the total number of school gunfire incidents in 2018 stood at 17. Using their numbers as a starting point, we’ve broken out all the known incidents between 1 January and 14 February 2018 into more detailed categories.
Firearm attacks during school hours: 7 (incidents resulting in injuries or deaths: 5)
22 January: Italy High School, Italy, Texas – A 16-year-old student opened fire with a semi-automatic handgun in the school cafeteria, wounding another student.
22 January: NET Charter High School, Gentilly, Louisiana – An unknown person fired shots at students from a vehicle in the school parking lot. One person was injured (though not by gunfire).
23 January: Marshall County High School, Benton, Kentucky – A 15-year-old student opened fire with a handgun on school grounds, killing two and injuring 18.
25 January: Murphy High School, Mobile, Alabama – A student fired a handgun into the air during a fight with another student. No injuries were reported.
26 January: Dearborn High School, Dearborn, Michigan – Shots were fired during a fight in the school parking lot. No injuries were reported.
31 January: Lincoln High School, Philadelphia – A fight during a basketball game resulted in the shooting death of a 32-year-old man outside the school.
14 February: Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, Parkland, Florida – A 19-year-old former student opened fire with a semi-automatic rifle, killing 17 and injuring 14.
Firearm attacks NOT occurring during school hours: 2 (incidents resulting in injuries or deaths: 2)
20 January: Wake Forest University, Winston-Salem, North Carolina – A 21-year-old was shot and killed during a fight at a party on school grounds.
5 February: – Oxon Hill High School, Oxon Hill, Maryland – A student was shot and injured in the school parking lot during an attempted robbery.
Shots fired during school hours, unknown reason: 2 (no injuries)
10 January: California State University, San Bernardino, California – Bullets were fired through a window, with no suspects or motive identified.
8 February: Metropolitan High School, New York, NY – A student fired a gun into the floor of a classroom.
Unintentional gunfire during school hours: 3 (incidents resulting in injuries or deaths: 1)
10 January: Grayson College, Denison, Texas – A student fired a weapon belonging to an adviser, believing it wasn’t loaded. No injuries were reported.
1 February: Salvador B. Castro Middle School, Los Angeles – A semi-automatic handgun brought to school by a 12-year-old student accidentally went off. Four students were injured.
5 February: Harmony Learning Center, Maplewood, Minnesota – A third-grader pressed the trigger of a law enforcement officer’s handgun. The weapon went off but no one was injured.
Suicide attempts during school hours: 1 (resulting in death)
10 January: Coronado Elementary School, Sierra Vista, Arizona – A middle school student shot himself in the bathroom of the school and was pronounced dead at the scene.
Stray bullets hitting school buildings during school hours: 1 (no injuries)
4 January: New Start High School, near Seattle – Bullets fired by an unidentified shooter entered an administrative office. No injuries were reported.
Stray bullets hitting school buildings NOT occurring during school hours: 1 (no injuries)
15 January: Wiley College, Marshall, Texas – Gunshots fired from a vehicle in the parking lot of a college dorm entered through a window, but did not injure residents.
Frankly .... this is ridicules ... one is too many. Just ONE ... is too many.
That's what I have to say .... about it anyway ... but here are a few kind words for other people that I appreciate.
MARCH FOR OUR LIVES 2018
Although approached with some "funny" ... the message here - too ......
The one time I attended a "sit in" at my high school was a Prom Queen voting scandal ....
There was drinking, drugs, and other stuff going on in my high school but ... .I wasn't effected by ANY of that stuff... none of it. Of course I got sick at 15 and only usually attended the first half of my day ... went home after lunch .... but that was my worry during high school...
The things that have changed in the last 20 years that I haven't been a teenager ... it's amazing...
