Praying to the Porcelain Gods ...

I recently realized something with my eating ..... I realized I am an emotional eater... in a non-conventional way....I eat to stay awake - which is major because I am always tired, but when I get really tired during the day ... I feel like I need to eat to stay awake....  that's a huge thing... when I write, I eat ....when I want to stay awake during the day - in my head - I think - eating something will help with being so tired ...it's weird ....when I'm sad or depressed I eat ...and I suffer from clean your plate syndrome, something that was beat in my head when I was younger....  I hate wasting food.  I used to clean off the kids plates too because I just can't stand wasting food.   it's only until recently that I have been able to NOT finish food and not feel horribly guilty.  I guess that's not really the true definition of emotional eating.  I just don't know what to call it.  It doesn't drive me.  I tend to recognize the actual emotional eating stuff and not give into it.  I actually eat pretty good.  I have one huge weakness - and that's soda.  I don't eat candy like I used to, when I crave sweets, I may have a little bit ... but I can eat a could of bits of something and be done.  I can eat one cupcake and not eat them all ...  I can eat a piece of cake and not eat half of it.  I don't even really like donuts anymore.  I used to be a crazy sugar seeker but now I would rather eat celery or grapes.   Which I think is a huge accomplishment for me.  I want to get my health under control.  I've lost 80lbs since my heaviest and I'm REALLY annoyed that it hasn't changed my health at all.  In fact, I'm sicker now than I was when I weighted 270 lbs.

Today is not a good day.  I woke up at 5am... used the bathroom, checked on Nate (who was up) and DB (who was up), got a glass of ice water ... curled back in bed feeling like utter ass and had to grab the empty glass by my bed to vomit in because yeah - once I got into bed, I couldn't move.  I knew if I tried, I'd throw up all over.  After I was done, I laid there a bit with the puke glass in my hand ...  then got up and dumped/cleaned it and curled back into bed.  Sipped a little water.  Passed out.  When I woke up again, I took some Pepto, slept some more.

I didn't throw up again - which I am thankful for because ... 1: I hate throwing up.  2: I don't want my ill health screwing up Nathan's birthday on Sunday.  3: Did I mention I hate throwing up.

But my honey went out and got me popcicles.  I think I ate 5 through out the whole day. Sipped on water and 7-up.  Ate some hashbrowns which I kept down.

One of the WORST things about this time of year is having to remember this because I just can't forget.  You don't forget when you child almost died.  It doesn't matter.  8 years ago I was told that if I hadn't gotten Noah into the hospital when I did (nevermind the fact that I had gotten him into the local ER two days prior) ... Noah would be dead with in 48 hours.  It's hard.  And to associate that with something as wonderful as Nathan's birthday ... because I had to leave Noah in his hospital room and go down a floor to have a baby was one of the worst feelings in the world.

I have to say though - THESE TWO .... OMGosh ... they have changed a lot in the last year.

It's hard to believe that they started out as itty bitty teeny weenie little gremlins.... 

I did my insulin like a good girl.  Even though.it.is.not.helping

Had to share this.  My friend posted this.... (for her friend who I guess has this view) and I saw it.  I couldn't help myself ....  "mmmmmmmmmmm cupcakes"

Gave Kinsley a bath and Nathan helped.  Moments like these, AWESOMESAUCE .....

And then goofy comes out......

I took two Oxys tonight ... that's how bad I'm freaking hurting right now.  I hate this --- HATE THIS .... I better be okay or okay enough to push through Sunday - I am NOT NOT NOT going to disappoint this little boy.  It's all he has been talking about for the last 6 weeks.  He keeps asking me if it's his birthday.  He gets up and comes in my room and goes "it my birthday?"   "nope not today" ... "oh man!" and goes away ... lol....  I am just so tired of feeling like shit all the time.  Usually I can push through this crap but for the last little while it's taking over..  I got to the DR and I get brushed off sometimes it feels like.  The right side of my body is numb... NUMB.... and all she has for me is "you have a pinched nerve" ... no, I really really don't think I have a pinched nerve.  I don't think it's that simple.....  I am tired of the pain and being practically bed bound   This is not me ........  (sorry - had to vent) .... it's my kidney or my lung that is hurting so bad though.  Been in tears.

Life is an Adventure ....

So I had another morning where I can't wake up and stay awake.  I woke up for a bit just after 8am.  I did my blood sugar (two days on the insulin.... and my sugar was up in the 300's this morning for fasting, that's not cool) ....  I feel like.... why did I lose weight.  What exactly did losing weight help with?

Anyway ...  I did a few things, ate some breakfast, and then fell back to sleep.

WTH ...

Didn't really wake up until noon again ....  even though Jaxson kept getting on top and laying on me.  And there were some strange people I don't know in my apartment (friends of Kale & Shila, with a little girl) ....  anyway - I guess Kale and Shila are gone for the day.  Kale said something about going to make some money and getting stuff for the baby....  so ....  yeah.

Regardless ....

I had a couple of dreams this morning.

The first one, first thing I remember is being REALLY excited because I had announced that I was going to finish my book today.  Gosh - it was a fantastic feeling.  But it's not true.

I'm not even CLOSE to finishing it.  I am stuck - really.  I don't like where the book is right now.  It's like I did all this build up and bam it's over?  But.... there was no catalyst ...  no closure.... just "oh yeah that's over" ... eh...  doesn't work that way.  But I just can't seem to get the end of that story line to satisfy me.

It's like .... well for example, I was watching - what do you call it?  oh right - Utopia.  The show where they put a bunch of people who didn't know each other in a community and we watched as they decided their way of life from government to laws, etc and so on.  And then all of a sudden, the show got cut off the air.  Canceled.  But there was no closure for the viewers.  None.

That's what I feel like I'm doing.  And I don't want that.  So I have to figure this out.

It makes me feel like I should be really pushing at it though.

The other dream .... I was dreaming about some trip we were taking.  We were going to a water park or something, but we were going to be in that city for a few days.  So I said why not just stay at one of the water park hotels so we can play.  It was like a city back home, Wisconsin Dells .... where it's a major tourist trap "fun" city.  Lots of things to do and lots of water parks and fun attractions.  Well, it was closer to home, because I kept comparing it to Wisconsin Dells.  But it wasn't Great Wolf Lodge.  Anyway ....

I have been to this city in my head before.  Just a couple weeks ago I had a dream where DB and I were having lunch here with our baby - it was a little baby boy.  Maybe that's why I feel like the last miscarriage was a boy - because of that dream.  Hope he likes the name Ainsley.  

Anyway .... DB and I were talking about taking the kids, who all was going and when we were going to do this....  but yeah.  I guess I'm longing for a family adventure.

It's a beautiful day today and the kids are all outside playing.  Well, except Nathan.  Nathan's not feeling up to being outside today I guess.  He's watching YouTube on the TV.  

Noah is super excited because he tied his shoes his way and it worked.  He was very proud of himself!!  Both his new pairs of shoes have shoe laces now...  something he isn't used to but will be good for his fine motor skills and muscle tone.  It's odd to be saying that about a 13 year old but.... such is my life.

Spring Break is almost over.  I wasn't going to let Noah and Nathan have a "Spring Break" but ended up letting them.  Kaedyn has been sick most of - if not all of - his Spring Break and I'm not 100% he's going to be going to school tomorrow.  He might be going to the DR instead.

Checked out Timehop today and OYE..... how they have grown!!

Lilacs at my Mom's.  Lilacs are one of my favorite flowers.  Lilacs, Tulips, Hydrangea, Sunflowers, and Roses.

Super Nathan after we changed his messy clothes.  He's got some Angry Bird thing going on here!

He hasn't taken off his dinosaur feet in days.  These are his favorite slippers.  He especially likes to wear them to the hospital because all the nurses and doctors make a big deal about it.

I love it when he's happy.  He was throwing up a lot yesterday morning, and hasn't been feeling well yet today.  So it's always nice when he's smiling.... even if it's after I go "Smile Nathan!" .... fine Mom.  Geez.... 

These are the feed bags I did tonight.....

 This did not even REMOTELY turn out the way I wanted.  (hashtag) Mom can't draw....

This is supposed to be a bit of a patchwork puppy but it looks like a very angry or sad patchwork puppy....  the little "frown" looking thing on his face, it's supposed to be the upper curve of his little nose....

I really wanted quesadilla tonight .... and I got'em

So Jaxson has been laying with me most of the day.  Might I add that he was literally laying ON me when I was sleeping and couldn't seem to wake up this morning.  But the cats are still not his best friend.  They tolerate him now.  They can be on the same bed as him - but if he gets too close for their liking .... he gets swatted, sometimes hissed at - mostly by Gallifrey.  Anyway - Marshmellow wanted to cross the bed tonight and .... what happens when you want to cross the bed and the dog is sleeping on it????   You move very very very slowly hoping to not attract the dog's attention.

What happens when you fall asleep on some papers and the cat startles you awake?  You have a big ol' grocery receipt stuck to your mouth....

When I was changing Nate's dressing around his stoma tonight, oye...  THIS didn't make me happy.

Every parent can tell you how watching their child sleeping is one of the best moments in the whole world.  Peaceful and amazingly made.  These moments make everything bad melt away....

Mickey Mouse was visiting my cup tonight!

It's been one of those days.....


I love these two characters - forever and always.  I know a lot of people think that them getting together FINALLY actually wrecked the show, but I don't agree.   I was definitely a "Shipper" and still am.  STILL AM.  I screamed and was thrilled to the MAX when they finally kissed.  Even though a relationship had been hinted at prior that (if I remember right - which may not be the case because apparently I'm an idiot with very little X-files memory even though I watched it all!)

Marathon tonight ........

Course it came to an end because ...... this started back up tonight!!!

March 28th in Review .... Numbness....

So I woke up this morning and my right hand is almost completely NUMB.  It's numb through my thumb to middle finger, my ring finger is tingly and my pinkie seems to be okay.   NUMB.  I hate this.  Four days ago I woke up and the same thing basically was going on with my left hand, but that time it wasn't AS bad as it is today.  It's horrible ....  I hope it's just my carpal tunnel .... I hope it's not my diabetes.  Cuz does that come and go?  I have been heavy into making graphics the last few days .... and various other computer work.  So I wouldn't doubt that's the reason why.  However ... I'm kinda scared.  I am going to give it two days since that's how long my left hand was just numbish ...

The other weird thing going on is that my right side is numb.  Like from my ribs to my hips.  It's WEIRD sensation.  I can pinch both sides and there is definitely a loss of sensation on my right side.  THAT has been going on for a few weeks.  So I don't even KNOW what to think about that one.  Other than I need to bring it up to the DR.

Can't.brush.my.hair.

Nathan and I were messing around today - and I did a "Many Faces of Nathan" collection ... LOL

So we gave Jaxson this ball today.  Today.  Like 3 or 4 hours ago.  That's it.  Yep.  This happened.

Feed bag tonight.  Again - hard to do much with a numb hand so - super simple again.

Love this...... right here.  Love it.

So if you read my blog - you'll know that my friend lost her Mom - who was my mom's best friend in school.  Or one of them.  Anyway - she posted this today and it really touched me.  I am the mom of four boys.  Five boys counting the one that's adopted..   I have (currently) 8 kids counting all 5 boys, both fiancees, and my step-daughter.  I always wanted a big family!  I guess I got what I wished for.  In addition to all that - I have lost 15 babies from anywhere between 5 weeks to 11-12 weeks.  I have been BLESSED with children who have unique lives.  The thing I think the most other than "I love this kid" in my head is how much they (children with "special needs" - even though I hate the term -) have to teach us about life.  This literally made me cry.

OMG it was NOT that long ago he was a baby!!!  OMG I miss that fat baby!!!

I have a brag moment.   This is the gold I had in WOW today in one moment before I spent it all.  No kidding.  It was a very very proud moment.  Fleeting ... and gone ... with in 5 minutes.

 Episodes watched in my X-Files Marathon today.   I watched a lot because I couldn't do much else with the hand factor.

 Almost done with Season 4!!  Still only remember the one episode.  So freakin' weird.