Welcome June ICLW

There haven't been a lot of us for the past couple of months.  Makes me a little sad.  I remember when this list was HUGE .... I hope it'll get that way again :)

Just a quick introduction!!  My name is Annissa and I am 38 (for 4 more days) ...  I am a writer, photographer ...  I am a Mom.  I have a lot of health issues I'm struggling with right now.  I am also the mom of unique children who have medical issues. 

You can read my ICLW Intro Page ....  and come back and read the rest of this :)   Or you can just read this :)  And you can see past ICLW entries (Welcomes) HERE.... 

If you don't know what ICLW is ....... check it out (HERE) and join in next month!!!  I know a lot of you are still struggling to have families ....  and I can do nothing but pray for you ....and try to support you through your journey... But it's a GREAT way to find fellow Moms, Pregnant ones.... even people who understand infertility and what a fight it is.  Anyone is welcome to join the list!  Sign up for NEXT MONTH!!

I wanted to do a little bit different spew this month.  I have to say - my normal spew is still below.

I wanted to tell you a bit more about me - I have been through a lot in my life.  Feels like I have lived a soap opera sometimes.  It's funny how events in your life have shaped and molded you.  I grew up with in a HUGE family.  My grandparents had 8 children (more, but that's who was left living).  My Mom was the 2nd born of those 8, and she had 7 brothers.  When I was born the youngest of those boys was ten.  He turned eleven a few months later.  My Mom worked hard, she often had more than one job, was going to school.  My Grandparents did a lot of my raising - my crib was in their room, they were who took care of me.  My Dad, whom I love to death, wasn't physically there and my Grandfather was my "Daddy" ...  But I was almost raised as the "youngest" sister of the clan, but yet I wasn't.  I didn't get to meet my Dad until I was 5 years old.  By then I had a Step-Mom and a Half Brother who was 3.  All I ever wanted - as a child - was a sibling.  Someone to grow up with, be close to, have that relationship with that I saw my Mom have with all her brothers.  But I guess it really wasn't in the cards for me.  Although I have two older half sisters, I met them twice I think, and there is no relationship there.  None.  I loved my little brother, but he isn't really the family oriented one.  I do have a relationship with his wife though, my sister-in-law.  My little sister, I wanted nothing but to have a sisterly relationship with her, but I think that we see the world way too differently.  So we aren't even friends on Facebook anymore.  My Grandfather died in 1987, and I was gutted.  He was my world as a little girl.  I was his little "darling' ....  and I was only 11 years old.  I was also in the middle of being molested by a family member, that lasted about 2 years total.  (None of my Uncles or close family) ...  I was uprooted from school to school for various reasons.  I went to a total of 7 schools?  I remember during a  5th Grade spelling test I failed, the teacher looked at me and said "You know you are going to have to learn to spell!" and I looked at her and said "It's not like I'm going to be a writer or anything!"  *snort* ... that's exactly what happened ....  I started writing at the age or 13, but I really started writing before that, I just never knew.

In Highschool I was ...  not popular.  I wasn't an outcast either, but I felt like it.  I am SUPER smart and fell into that "didn't apply herself fully" trap because a lot of the time I was just BORED and ended up writing in class more than paying attention.  Everyone knew me, it seems that I was one to go to for help with school work....  but I just had a small cluster of good friends.  Out of all those friendships, I am only friends with ...  just a couple of them.  Two that I talk to at least regularly.  Four if you count the couple I talk to every blue moon-ish.

In Highschool I got horribly sick..  I was 15 ... and I went with my (then) best friend to her family's to celebrate Christmas.  We were hours from home.  I started getting a sore throat but I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to be a burden.  So I kept it to myself.  But it got bad, fast.  By the time I got home, I couldn't swallow, I could barely breath it hurt so much.  I has severe strep throat.  SEVERE.  Once that was healed, I still didn't feel good.  I was sleeping all of the time, just sick and sore and felt like I had the flu that never ended.  Mom took me back to the doctor and now I tested positive for Mono.  No idea how I got that.  I had been home sick.

But the mono symptoms wouldn't go away.  My English teacher had brought in a magazine article about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and said "this sounds a lot like how you are feeling" ... and gave it to me.  I gave it to my mom.  Started keeping a journal of my medical symptoms.  After I turned 16 I was diagnosed with CFS.  I was only able to attend half a day of school a lot of the time.

Fast forward, and I met my first husband.  After the first date I actually had no interest in him.  But he basically wore me down.  It didn't take all that long.  We were engaged, I got pregnant, we got married, and my goal was to finish my diploma before the baby was born.  I was 18.  I was 19 when I had my first child, and just two weeks before he was due, I graduated - a year and a half after I should have.   But I did it.

My first marriage was filled with Crohn's Disease (him), raising that baby.... my first husband saying he was cheating on me... and a lot more.  After 10 years, I was done when he told me he had an affair with my best friend (which he did NOT, it was a story he made up.)  .... I had Noah by that time...  and Calahan....  a lot of it I won't get into or this will be a 300 page blog.

Met my husband on the internet.  He says he fell in love with me when he saw my picture.  Creepy, Romantic, it's a fine line.  We've been together for 9 years.  Have two more WONDERFUL babies!

The last two years have been really hard, but since December has been the worst.  My CFS is in a flare, my Fibro... my Psoriasis is attacking my WHOLE body ..... and my diabetes is out of control.  I cannot seem to get a handle on my health.

Meanwhile...... I have to somehow manage to take care of my kids with their medical issues too... and my husband with his.  It's hard.  Especially when your life revolves around everything medical it seems.

Anyway - that's a bit more about me :)  

I got pregnant when I was 18 and had a miscarriage almost right away.  I found out four weeks later that I was 8 weeks pregnant and it had been twins.  My son Calahan was due Christmas Day 1995. He was late, didn't come until January 5th. 

I struggled with secondary infertility for five years until I got pregnant and stayed pregnant with my son Noah.  I had to take Clomid.  He was due on St. Patrick's Day 2002 but came early.  He was only 1lb 12oz and 13 3/4 inches long.  Born February 1st 2002.  We knew he had medical issues prior to his birth.  That's why he was the size of a 24 weeker even though he was 33 weeks along.  He has a very rare Trisomy (Mosaic Trisomy 16).   I was told he would die before he lived (in utero) and if not he would die shortly after birth - period.  They gave me no hope.  Today, that little miracle is 13. 

I struggled with secondary infertility some more.  Then I got a divorce, I had 10 miscarriages with in that marriage. Then I had a miscarriage with my ex boyfriend.  Met my husband.  We had one miscarriage right away. And to my utter surprise I got pregnant just before we were going to start trying.  I got pregnant in August of 2006 and we were going to start trying in September.  I had gone to my OBGYN in late August to discuss with him getting pregnant again.  If I should start Clomid again, or wait.  He thought I should wait and wanted me to start progesterone right away upon a positive pregnancy test.  What we didn't know, was... I was already pregnant.

So I started taking progesterone as soon as I got a positive pregnancy test, and the baby stuck.  We knew that Mr. Nathan - who was due on Mother's Day 2007 - wasn't growing right in utero.  He had a two vessel cord.  The amnio came back that the baby was healthy - so we just didn't know what was going on.  Nathan was born at 36 weeks but he was only 3lbs 4oz, 15 3/4 inches at birth.  That same week, Noah almost died.  The doctor actually told me if I hadn't gotten him to the hospital when I did, he had less than 48 hours.  (Nevermind the fact that I had taken him into the ER at home.)   Regardless, my little boy beat the odds again.  I ended up delivering in the same hospital Noah was in - and Nathan was put in the NICU, in the same spot Noah had been in.  They found out he had a cleft palate, and various other things.  They knew he had Dandy Walker before he was born, that's a brain malformation.  Specifically, Nathan is missing the vermis in his cerebellum.  Through the years (He just turned 8) ... we have found out he has hypothyroidism, he has growth hormone deficiency, Polymicrogyria, another brain disorder.  He has Russell Silver Syndrome (a primordial dwarfism/growth disorder) ...  he also has Autism.  He has a lot of speech issues, including Apraxia and VPI.  He recently got a feeding tube, also - he hasn't even had it a year. 

I ended up having a miscarriage on my husband's and my first anniversary.  It was really hard.  But I had started Clomid the next cycle and gotten pregnant two weeks later.  Just before New Years 2008.  I found out I was pregnant with Kaedyn when Nathan was just about seven months old.   I also took progesterone for my pregnancy with him.  He was a fat healthy baby!  He was due on September 19th and born September 9th.  8lbs 3oz and 18 1/4 inches.  He doesn't have a lot of medical issues like his two brothers.  He has eczema and he is almost blind in his left eye with perfect eye sight in his right. 

Fast forward to last year and I got another addition to my family.  We moved from Wisconsin to Washington state in 2010.  The first friend I made here was Tammy.  Long story short, she died a couple of years ago.  Her son Kale has always been special to me.  So when I found out he was homeless last summer, there was a plan in place to get him - and his girlfriend - to our place at least for a couple nights.  He's mine now.  She's mine now.  And her little girl is my first grandbaby.  Expecting my second grandbaby this fall. 

If you want to meet our family - this is a good place to do it.  OUR FAMILY

So....   If you want to learn more ......  I have had a total of 16 miscarriages through my years of having kids, and the last one was just a few weeks ago.  If you want to learn more about my journey to have my children - please visit this blog page:  MY JOURNEY FOR CHILDREN  ... I talk about several of my miscarriages there. 

(photo found on Google, if it is yours, it's amazing and I love it)

Welcome May ICLW*ers....

There aren't very many of us this month.  Makes me a little sad.  I remember when this list was HUGE .... I hope it'll get that way again :)

Just a quick introduction!!  My name is Annissa and I am 38 ...  I am a writer, photographer ...  I am a Mom.  I have a lot of health issues I'm struggling with right now.  I am also the mom of unique children who have medical issues. 

You can read my ICLW Intro Page ....  and come back and read the rest of this :)   Or you can just read this :)

If you don't know what ICLW is ....... check it out (HERE) and join in next month!!!  I know a lot of you are still struggling to have families ....  and I can do nothing but pray for you ....and try to support you through your journey... 

I got pregnant when I was 18 and had a miscarriage almost right away.  I found out four weeks later that I was 8 weeks pregnant and it had been twins.  My son Calahan was due Christmas Day 1995. He was late, didn't come until January 5th. 

I struggled with secondary infertility for five years until I got pregnant and stayed pregnant with my son Noah.  I had to take Clomid.  He was due on St. Patrick's Day 2002 but came early.  He was only 1lb 12oz and 13 3/4 inches long.  Born February 1st 2002.  We knew he had medical issues prior to his birth.  That's why he was the size of a 24 weeker even though he was 33 weeks along.  He has a very rare Trisomy (Mosaic Trisomy 16).   I was told he would die before he lived (in utero) and if not he would die shortly after birth - period.  They gave me no hope.  Today, that little miracle is 13. 

I struggled with secondary infertility some more.  Then I got a divorce, I had 10 miscarriages with in that marriage. Then I had a miscarriage with my ex boyfriend.  Met my husband.  We had one miscarriage right away. And to my utter surprise I got pregnant just before we were going to start trying.  I got pregnant in August of 2006 and we were going to start trying in September.  I had gone to my OBGYN in late August to discuss with him getting pregnant again.  If I should start Clomid again, or wait.  He thought I should wait and wanted me to start progesterone right away upon a positive pregnancy test.  What we didn't know, was... I was already pregnant.

So I started taking progesterone as soon as I got a positive pregnancy test, and the baby stuck.  We knew that Mr. Nathan - who was due on Mother's Day 2007 - wasn't growing right in utero.  He had a two vessel cord.  The amnio came back that the baby was healthy - so we just didn't know what was going on.  Nathan was born at 36 weeks but he was only 3lbs 4oz, 15 3/4 inches at birth.  That same week, Noah almost died.  The doctor actually told me if I hadn't gotten him to the hospital when I did, he had less than 48 hours.  (Nevermind the fact that I had taken him into the ER at home.)   Regardless, my little boy beat the odds again.  I ended up delivering in the same hospital Noah was in - and Nathan was put in the NICU, in the same spot Noah had been in.  They found out he had a cleft palate, and various other things.  They knew he had Dandy Walker before he was born, that's a brain malformation.  Specifically, Nathan is missing the vermis in his cerebellum.  Through the years (He just turned 8) ... we have found out he has hypothyroidism, he has growth hormone deficiency, Polymicrogyria, another brain disorder.  He has Russell Silver Syndrome (a primordial dwarfism/growth disorder) ...  he also has Autism.  He has a lot of speech issues, including Apraxia and VPI.  He recently got a feeding tube, also - he hasn't even had it a year. 

I ended up having a miscarriage on my husband's and my first anniversary.  It was really hard.  But I had started Clomid the next cycle and gotten pregnant two weeks later.  Just before New Years 2008.  I found out I was pregnant with Kaedyn when Nathan was just about seven months old.   I also took progesterone for my pregnancy with him.  He was a fat healthy baby!  He was due on September 19th and born September 9th.  8lbs 3oz and 18 1/4 inches.  He doesn't have a lot of medical issues like his two brothers.  He has eczema and he is almost blind in his left eye with perfect eye sight in his right. 

Fast forward to last year and I got another addition to my family.  We moved from Wisconsin to Washington state in 2010.  The first friend I made here was Tammy.  Long story short, she died a couple of years ago.  Her son Kale has always been special to me.  So when I found out he was homeless last summer, there was a plan in place to get him - and his girlfriend - to our place at least for a couple nights.  He's mine now.  She's mine now.  And her little girl is my first grandbaby.  Expecting my second grandbaby this fall. 

If you want to meet our family - this is a good place to do it.  OUR FAMILY

So....   If you want to learn more ......  I have had a total of 16 miscarriages through my years of having kids, and the last one was just a few weeks ago.  If you want to learn more about my journey to have my children - please visit this blog page:  MY JOURNEY FOR CHILDREN  ... I talk about several of my miscarriages there. 

(photo found on Google, if it is yours, it's amazing and I love it)

Hello ICLW April 2015

Just a quick introduction!!  My name is Annissa and I am 38 ...  I am a writer, photographer ...  I am a Mom.  I have a lot of health issues I'm struggling with right now.  I am also the mom of unique children who have medical issues.

You can read my ICLW Intro Page ....  and come back and read the rest of this :)   Or you can just read this :)

If you don't know what ICLW is ....... check it out (HERE) and join in next month!!!  I know a lot of you are still struggling to have families ....  and I can do nothing but pray for you ....and try to support you through your journey... 

I got pregnant when I was 18 and had a miscarriage almost right away.  I found out four weeks later that I was 8 weeks pregnant and it had been twins.  My son Calahan was due Christmas Day 1995. He was late, didn't come until January 5th.

I struggled with secondary infertility for five years until I got pregnant and stayed pregnant with my son Noah.  I had to take Clomid.  He was due on St. Patrick's Day 2002 but came early.  He was only 1lb 12oz and 13 3/4 inches long.  Born February 1st 2002.  We knew he had medical issues prior to his birth.  That's why he was the size of a 24 weeker even though he was 33 weeks along.  He has a very rare Trisomy (Mosaic Trisomy 16).   I was told he would die before he lived (in utero) and if not he would die shortly after birth - period.  They gave me no hope.  Today, that little miracle is 13.

I struggled with secondary infertility some more.  Then I got a divorce, I had 10 miscarriages with in that marriage. Then I had a miscarriage with my ex boyfriend.  Met my husband.  We had one miscarriage right away. And to my utter surprise I got pregnant just before we were going to start trying.  I got pregnant in August of 2006 and we were going to start trying in September.  I had gone to my OBGYN in late August to discuss with him getting pregnant again.  If I should start Clomid again, or wait.  He thought I should wait and wanted me to start progesterone right away upon a positive pregnancy test.  What we didn't know, was... I was already pregnant.

So I started taking progesterone as soon as I got a positive pregnancy test, and the baby stuck.  We knew that Mr. Nathan - who was due on Mother's Day 2007 - wasn't growing right in utero.  He had a two vessel cord.  The amnio came back that the baby was healthy - so we just didn't know what was going on.  Nathan was born at 36 weeks but he was only 3lbs 4oz, 15 3/4 inches at birth.  That same week, Noah almost died.  The doctor actually told me if I hadn't gotten him to the hospital when I did, he had less than 48 hours.  (Nevermind the fact that I had taken him into the ER at home.)   Regardless, my little boy beat the odds again.  I ended up delivering in the same hospital Noah was in - and Nathan was put in the NICU, in the same spot Noah had been in.  They found out he had a cleft palate, and various other things.  They knew he had Dandy Walker before he was born, that's a brain malformation.  Specifically, Nathan is missing the vermis in his cerebellum.  Through the years (He just turned 8) ... we have found out he has hypothyroidism, he has growth hormone deficiency, Polymicrogyria, another brain disorder.  He has Russell Silver Syndrome (a primordial dwarfism/growth disorder) ...  he also has Autism.  He has a lot of speech issues, including Apraxia and VPI.  He recently got a feeding tube, also - he hasn't even had it a year.

I ended up having a miscarriage on my husband's and my first anniversary.  It was really hard.  But I had started Clomid the next cycle and gotten pregnant two weeks later.  Just before New Years 2008.  I found out I was pregnant with Kaedyn when Nathan was just about seven months old.   I also took progesterone for my pregnancy with him.  He was a fat healthy baby!  He was due on September 19th and born September 9th.  8lbs 3oz and 18 1/4 inches.  He doesn't have a lot of medical issues like his two brothers.  He has eczema and he is almost blind in his left eye with perfect eye sight in his right.

Fast forward to last year and I got another addition to my family.  We moved from Wisconsin to Washington state in 2010.  The first friend I made here was Tammy.  Long story short, she died a couple of years ago.  Her son Kale has always been special to me.  So when I found out he was homeless last summer, there was a plan in place to get him - and his girlfriend - to our place at least for a couple nights.  He's mine now.  She's mine now.  And her little girl is my first grandbaby.  Expecting my second grandbaby this fall.

If you want to meet our family - this is a good place to do it.  OUR FAMILY

So....   If you want to learn more ......  I have had a total of 16 miscarriages through my years of having kids, and the last one was just a few weeks ago.  If you want to learn more about my journey to have my children - please visit this blog page:  MY JOURNEY FOR CHILDREN  ... I talk about several of my miscarriages there.

(photo found on Google, if it is yours, it's amazing and I love it)

September ICLW *WELCOME*

Welcome to all of you who are stopping by from ICLW.  Please GO HERE for a detailed over view of all the info I could possibly want to say in my welcome.   A very short history - I suffer from secondary infertility ....  I say suffer, even though we are done having kids, because it never truly leaves you. My oldest son was a twin.  I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, and I found out a couple of weeks later that I still pregnant (this is when we discovered it had been twins) .. I then spent 5 years of unknown infertility, 4 more miscarriages and a lot of heartbreak...  finally, with Clomid, I find out I'm pregnant again and it sticks.  Only to have a bomb dropped on us a few weeks later.  I heard....  rare genetic disorder and no quality of life and if the baby doesn't die before birth, it will after.  But I believed, I hoped, I held on to all the positive info I could find.  I might have been naive, I was a whole lot of scared, but I just wanted one moment... to hold him...alive.  He was born 1lb 12 oz and his birth was traumatizing for me.  But he lived.  He proved them all wrong.  He is ten now.  My oldest is 16.  I had five more miscarriages with in my marriage with their father.  Ten total.  A few of them crushed me to the core.  But things happened, we changed, we got divorced.  I dated, ended up having a miscarriage with an ex-boyfriend.  Then I met my husband, and my world wasn't closed off anymore.  We ended up having a miscarriage, then miraculously got pregnant again and the baby stuck.  No Clomid, but I was on progesterone for the first twelve weeks.  We had an amnio, he was genetically perfect.  Nothing wrong.  We celebrated, only to be told a few weeks later - there were - indeed - complications.  We weren't told anything really negative, because they knew I wouldn't hear it.  He was born almost full term at 3lbs 4oz.  He has all sorts of medical issues going on and he will - we figure at this point - live with us forever, but we hope he proves us wrong, he is only 5.  We had another miscarriage, and then went on Clomid cuz we knew we wanted one more child.  Got pregnant two weeks after the miscarriage, I was on progesterone again, and had a happy, healthy baby boy who just turned 4. Even though we have been on birth control, and the hubby had a vasectomy that has gone unchecked, we've had two more miscarriages.  15 miscarriages total.  I just found out my mom had endometriosis and it would explain a lot of what I've gone through with the pain and various other stuff.   And that was the SHORT version!

So welcome!! I hope you enjoy your read here - I have some highlighted amusing posts on the side and other highlighted posts.  Enjoy and leave me a note you were here!

Welcome June ICLW'ers :)

I just wanted to welcome the JUNE ICLW'ers  :)  The month of May and beginning of June was a hard one for us.  My older two boys lost their Grandmother to a rapidly growing brain tumor.  She died on June 5th.   We were all close to her, she was my ex-husband's Mom ... She was only 59.   Funny enough, I took this photo the day I found out she had the brain tumor and only a few days to a few weeks to live.

I do photos at local graveyards for people who are trying to see their relatives graves, but can't travel to them - via a website called Find A Grave.  So they send out a request and I go try to hunt it down.  Anyway - this particular day is the same day I took the photos of my youngest with the flag and blowing dandelion (below in my Wordless Wednesday post) ...  

It's funny how losing someone important in our life changes us.  They love us for who we are, but we become so consumed with grief that we change.  All they would want for us is to go on being who we are, because they loved us for who we are.

My ex-MIL hurt my kids - in a way.  They sent her flowers and she didn't want them.  She didn't want them calling.  They did call on Mother's Day but she only talked for a few minutes and referred to Noah as her "nephew" .... to put it a little in perspective, she totally supported us moving here, but it hurt her.  She missed the boys.  She took for granted having them live 15 minutes from her ...  and when we were gone she missed them terribly...  To the point where she didn't like calling - or talking to them on the phone - because it just made her miss them more.  She even told me, when she explained this, that it was totally selfish.   We were planning on going back to see her, and now we can't.  We couldn't make it to the funeral because we didn't have the money to get half way across the country ...   so it's hard.  How can you provide closure for a child when they can't experience the funeral.

Anyway - I'm sorry - this post is a little morbid.   It's still pretty fresh and painful, and it brings up the loss of others that we loved, which makes it extra painful.

I take ease in the fact that I know they are with us, that they watch over us.... they never stop loving us.  

So anyway - if you are here from ICLW - WELCOME......    My name is Annissa, and I have suffered from secondary infertility since 1996 ...   I had triumphs in my battle, three wonderful boys during the battle to join their older brother - with the help of Clomid (for Noah and Kaedyn) and Progesterone (for Nathan and Kaedyn)....   You can learn a lot about my journey in my tabs under my header.   You have a nice ICLW introduction with the ICLW Introduction *Start Here* tab ...  and My Journey for Children tab tells you more about ... well... my journey .... it includes little blurbs about my kids, their medical issues, and my timeline with all fifteen of my miscarriages... and some memories from my miscarriages.  It wasn't an easy journey - but I can honestly say - I don't think I would change anything.  It's made me who I am...  and I wouldn't trade my children for anything.

I started up a facebook for my boys ... with the name of my other blog (their blog where I talk about their medical stuff) ... . MY UNIQUE FLOWERS ......  and if you want you can like their facebook page.  I am trying to bring awareness of their rare disorders - Mosaic Trisomy 16 and Russell Silver Syndrome....  but also about the other issues they have.  Autism, Cleft Palate, Sensory issues, Allergies, Asthma, Hearing Loss, Learning Disabilities (specifically Dyslexia and Dysgraphia) ...   If you would like to LIKE their page,.... please click HERE. 

I hope you enjoy ICLW this month and all the comments you get :)

Flying along with Life....

So things have been hectic around here - to say the least ... and I have been utterly busy.  I have been blogging between busyness but .... not on this one.  I have been having a good time over at my genealogy blog ...  talking about Dennis' ancestor Susannah (North) Martin who was killed in Salem as a Witch in 1692.   I found out my family was in the area at the time, but haven't found the connection to the Salem Witch Trials...... yet.....   Also, did you know there were Witch Trials in Connecticut for long before and long after the Salem debacle?   Well now you do .... 

I had tons of relatives in Connecticut during that time too.... so in addition to the Salem Witch in the family, I've told the story of my 10x Great Grandmother Sarah who was axe murdered by her brother infront of her children, original Lizzy Borden family anyone?  I can now say "I'm gonna go Lizzy Borden on your arse" and ....it could be a reality... Then there was her sister, Mercy, who killed her son with an axe... and her sister Elizabeth was accused of fornication prior to her marriage and having a child by another man (apparently she was 3 months pregnant on her wedding day with her husband) ....  Her husband was finally granted a divorce and once he was, Elizabeth sorta vanished. 

Anyway - that's located on this blog of mine.  (just click on the button to go there if you'd like to)

And then over at My Unique Flowers .....  (again click on the button to go there)

I finished the COREY'S DAY ON THE FARM series (8 blogs in total, and you can get to any of them from any of the blogs - they all have links on them - so I linked up to the first one.)   Corey's Day on the Farm is a special event for "Differently Abled" kids to get a chance to ride horses ... to experience a petting farm, to do hay & tractor rides....  just an all around fun day.  Having two kids who fall in that category, we are always excited to go.   Here are a couple pictures from the day ... check out the blogs over there to see the TON of photos from that AMAZING day!!!

Also, I just finished the blogs over there from Nathan's hospitalization for his Cleft Palate repair (new ear tubes were also placed, and his uvula was repaired too)  ...   we were in the hospital Friday to Monday ...  (lovely Memorial Day weekend for us) ......

BTW - thank you to all our amazing men and women who have fought for our freedom!!  This includes my Husband, my Dad, my Step-Dad, Grandparents, a couple Cousins....  THANK YOU!!!  I hope everyone else had a WONDERFUL MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!!!

So here are the links for that......Direct Links ... Pre-Surgery.... Post-Surgery ...  Day 1 After ... Day 2 After....  Day 3 & Going Home......  there is also the Treasures Through the Hospital (we spend day two exploring the hospital a little and taking some photos of the fun around the hospital) .... and if you want to just want to see a few photos, check out my Wordless Wednesday from today .... here are a couple though ... (different ones from my Wordless Wednesday)

I still have some updating to do over there ...... 

And on another note, through the chaos of packing for the hospital, the surgery, the worry, and everything else....  I was participating in ICLW again ... and in the 9th hour - I got them read!!  I'm so proud of myself....

I got my 5th Iron Commenter which meant I went onto Titanium Commenter - YAY!!!

Check out Stirrup Queen's blog to join in for June!!  The list opens up tomorrow!!!

*Welcome ICLW'ers*

Welcome to my blog - PLEASE take a moment to check out the pages above. There is a nice general INTRO for ICLW'ers up there.... It's better than I can do right now.  I will give you a few facts.

*  Hi - my name is Annissa .... I'm 35 ... 
* I suffer from secondary infertility - even though I'm done having kids, you don't stop suffering.  It effects you forever .... 
*I had 14 miscarriages through my journey ....  it hasn't been easy....
* I have 4 kids, all boys ....   Calahan is 16, Noah is 10, Nathan 5, and Kaedyn who is 3
* All the kids have their own medical issues ....  but Noah and Nathan have more distinct issues.
* Noah was born 1lb 12oz - he was born with Mosaic Trisomy 16 ...  a very rare genetic disorder -  I was told he wouldn't live - but he's a survivor and he is 10 years old.  To read more of his story ....  you can read it here on Noah's story page, and also here where Noah's Story Continues and Nathan's story starts.....
* Nathan was born 3lbs 4oz and was born with a "cyst" in his brain called a Dandy Walker Variant ... a two vessel cord .... and we now know he has Russell Silver Syndrome - a type of primordial dwarfism... the "cyst" is actually a part of his cerebellum missing, the vermis is completely gone.  He also has another brain malformation where the front of his brain looks like "a bunch of grapes" .... in addition to that he has hypothyroidism .... Growth Hormone deficiency and is on Growth Hormone therapy .... and he has a cleft palate, among a lot of other things.   You can read his story where Noah's story continues..... Nathan's Story....  I am working on a new update page for both of them, but it's still a work in progress at this point.... 
* I love writing, photography and allowing myself to escape into books...
* My husband has been suffering from some strange illness - he has bilateral leg weakness ...  meaning he can walk for short distances with a walker - but he falls a lot with the walker - so anything of any distance he has to be in his wheelchair...  

There are lots of informational things for you to understand what we've been through as a family.  There is an intro up there and the link My Journey to Children talks - not only about my kids, but also about the 14 miscarriages that I've had... including a few of their stories.    There is also a little more informative story on Noah and Nathan .... and I'm working on updating a new page for them.

We just started a facebook page for Noah and Nathan ... please feel free to like it.  We literally just started it a few days ago.  Click on the Facebook icon to check it out or go to ...
https://www.facebook.com/myuniqueflowers

I'm trying to bring awareness for my boys rare disorders.  They each have separate issues ...  it's not easy at the moment.  We have a super busy weeks.  Nathan has an appointment we've been looking forward to for MONTHS - to help him (hopefully) get a device to help him communicate with us.

Then later this week, on Friday - we are checking into the hospital because Nathan has surgery to repair his cleft palate.   I'm DREADING it...... dreading dreading dreading....  I'm going to need a lot of support this week and I hope and pray we get it it..   Prayers for Nathan are ALWAYS appreciated.

If you are curious of what my kids have, in the My Journey for Kids page - there is a section that has a pretty good list of things we deal with.

Anyway .... I'm needing to go to bed - it's 10:30 and I have a busy busy day tomorrow.   I hope you get some time to check out my blog and I hope you find some laughs, and maybe some inspiration  :)

OVER AT My Unique Flowers .... I'm posting a series of blogs from our AMAZING day at Corey's Day on the Farm which is an event put on for kids who have medical issues.  It's an AMAZING day and I took a ton of pictures!!!  Been working on that :)

ICLW Ends & Other Stuffs...

ICLW is officially at an end....  and I managed to squeeze another Iron Commenter out ..... yay!!  110 blogs this month.  Some of them were exciting ...  some had painful stories of loss ...  a lot of TTC news and some who have come to terms with being a childless family....

It all stirs up all those emotions of infertility for me.  Every month I ask myself why I put myself back in that dark place in my life ....

................. the answer is simple.  To give support.  To give hope if one can find it in our journey....  to be a friend, even if for a moment.

I already signed up for next months ICLW ...  if I Iron Comment next month I get the Titanium Commenter honor!!  I'm excited!  

In other news .......  Blog is up over at My Unique Flowers updating on Nathan and Noah's appointments on Friday.  It was a total comedy of errors it seemed ... 


We're starting up a Facebook for Family Updates per Dennis' request.  His friends don't get family updates, so he asked me to create a family page...... Oooooooooooookay honey!

Just to leave you with a little humor... 

NIAW ...... National Infertility Awareness Week..

I want to share something I wrote in honor of NIAW ...... I've gone back and added to it ...  twice now... including today.  

Feelings of Infertility 
© Mammarazzi13@aol.com
11/20/2003 (originally written) 07/29/07 (revised) ....(4/25/12 revised again)

People don't understand the emotions that come into play when you are trying to conceive and/or suffering from infertility....

When you first start trying it’s all great!! You feel excited and strong. You throw yourself into learning all the signs of fertility.. and you are alert to everything your body is doing. You feel attractive with all the attention you are getting from your spouse. You are optimistic, hopeful, joyful, enthusiastic about the process. Eager for that day to come when you turn that pregnancy test positive. The first few months you are determined and completely untroubled. You know that things probably wouldn’t happen the first month, so if it doesn’t happen, it’s just all part of the process. You are still capable of moving on and just brushing it off as part of the experience. You are sure to be sensitive to those around you who are going through it too, and become a source of support. You just try to stay relaxed, because you know it’s important. Not to mention you are sure it’ll happen for you soon, and are completely at ease with the process of conceiving. You are completely comfortable and content sitting back and letting nature take it’s course.

Then on top of all those feelings, after a few unsuccessful months, the more negative feelings start creeping in. At first you are just a little moody, and tired of the same thing month after month. You start feeling a little discontented, and disconnecting from some of things you love. You start to become unsure it will really happen, and impatient for it to happen. Then you become puzzled, and annoyed. You are torn up with everything, wondering what is wrong with you. Then you look at your spouse and wonder what is wrong with HIM? Mostly you just blame yourself, and feel worthless, and helpless.

You are becoming trapped in the world of infertility and you can’t get out until you hit rock bottom, which takes a lot longer time then anyone realizes. It took me 5 years to hit rock bottom!

You are edgy and upset, confused, tense, worried, and generally unhappy. You are frustrated because it’s not happening, and frightened that it won’t. You are embarrassed as people ask you if you have been successful, and uncomfortable with answering. As much as you want to know why it’s not happening, what is wrong with you and/or your spouse, you are apprehensive to do so. You are frightened that your dream of a family will never come true, and anxious for it to happen already. You are so frustrated you’d love to just quit trying, but find yourself unable to. Even while telling your family, friends, and even yourself, that you are done… you are still sucked in, trying to make it happen. Then you become worn out and depressed. You feel useless.

Then your friends become pregnant, and you can’t help but to be jealous of them, maybe even a little resentful and spiteful. You want to be happy for them, and truly are, but behind closed doors, it’s harder to focus on the positive feelings. You find yourself glaring and perfectly happy pregnant people you pass in stores, and are disturbed by the fact that you are. Going past a baby department makes you want to burst into tears. You feel awful, hopeless, and shamed. You feel lonely, like you are the only person who understands and no one else possibly can. You think your spouse blames you and you feel guilty for letting yourself get in so deep.

At the bottom of the pit of infertility, there is nothing but anger, hurt, pain, loneliness and misery. Completely trapped and afraid, there is no way out. You are furious that you let yourself go down this deep, and terrified you’ll never get out. All because you wanted that one precious thing it seems everyone else can have, except you.

I'll admit, I'm very lucky... starting out our family, I'm one of those rare people who got pregnant coming out of the starting gate!! My ex husband and I had two children. The first month we haphazardly tried, we were pregnant. Unfortunately, the pregnancy started out with a miscarriage, and my joy quickly turned to grief! It hadn't even been a week that I had known I was pregnant... and then the spotting started, and then stopped... and then the massive cramping started where I could do nothing but curl into a ball and cry.... and then the bleeding, I've never bleed like that before in my life, and the clots and ... I knew.. I just knew my baby was gone. And it hurt so badly. Ever since I was little, the only thing I ever wanted to be, was a Mom.... We figured we'd try again right away... but the pregnancy symptoms never went away... it took me three to four weeks to go in and finally get tested, and to find out I was still pregnant. (It had been twins) We decided to try for more – right away.

It was then, that our problems (or my problems) only begun. And the Infertility Monster sucked me in, and I let it. I spent 5 years of tests, different doctors all telling me the same thing, and doing nothing…. I kept trying, even when we weren’t trying. I had several more miscarriages, and with each one a little piece of hope shattered like a glass of fine crystal. I was hurt, and everything I described above. I was lost, so ready for the journey to be over, and so ready to just say enough. But I couldn’t, and I knew it – not matter what, I was sucked in. My family was not complete and the feeling of want, or need, would never go away until the feeling of completion happened... or at least the satisfaction of having another successful pregnancy. Then I met my current DR and as much as I was not in there for infertility treatments, that’s exactly what he provided me with. He told me I would have another baby, and prescribed me Clomid… and suddenly I had new hope. Thanks to some tiny white pills, I actually held that hope in my heart again. But after two unsuccessful cycles and the third taking it’s toll on me, I was just done. That was it, I hit my breaking point. No more. NO MORE!!!!!! We didn’t even "baby dance" that month, really. Twice mid-cycle, and once on my birthday, then late in my cycle. I continued out the cycle, temping and charting, because I had already took the Clomid. But I knew – there was no way – and I was DONE. Stress and life had taken it's toll on me that week. I was ready to get a divorce, and move on with my life... and my one child. Then 11 days after my birthday, on July 6th, I went in for my routine blood test, ready to say I’m done, no more. I need a break. When the unexpected happened….. it came back positive. I started crying… spilling tears of frustration and happiness all mixed into one. Five years of pent up feelings rushed out of me ….. but with my history, I wasn’t truly free until I heard that heartbeat, and knew – everything would be ok. I wasn’t truly free until my second son was born, until I held him, his tiny one pound twelve ounce little body in my arms and heard him cry for the first time. I wasn’t truly free until I brought him home …away from the nurses and doctors and the NICU.

Although my first marriage continued after finding out I was pregnant, and we even tried to conceive for 3 years of the 4 we stayed together after (resulting in a few more miscarriages), it did end in divorce.  The first miscarriage after our second son happened shortly after bringing him home.  I didn't even realize I was late until 10 weeks past my last cycle ... when I went in, found out I was pregnant - I was shocked and confused.  I lost that baby the day after my birthday.  Funny huh?  Conceived one on my birthday the year before... lost another the day after my birthday the year after. 

Down the single Mommy road, I met my current husband. We knew we wanted children together, or at least to try.... we wanted one for sure, maybe two... but I had some hope, and a lot of fear. Telling him my history and that I may or may not be able to carry another baby... by the time I met him, I had 11 miscarriages total, and then we suffered one the summer we met. But we knew, we had to at least try...

The month before we started to try, my cycle started and I had to travel for 2 weeks at the beginning without my (at the time) fiance. So knowing that, we decided to try the following month, after my traveling was done, knowing that because I was going to be well past mid-way in my cycle... that we wouldn't even be able to try that month. So I traveled, and came home... and we pretty much spent the next 3 days in bed together, just enjoying being able to wrap ourselves up in each other again. I had an appointment with my OB and told him of our plans, and he said wonderful, but because of my miscarriage history, he told me he wanted me to take Progesterone from the time I test positive, to the 12 week mark of pregnancy. I said fine, and filled it to have it at home, just in case. Then the following week passed and I was anxious for my cycle to start so that we could start trying. But it wasn't coming, and it wasn't coming... so on the 28th day of my cycle I went in for a blood test, and it was negative. I couldn't understand it - lately I hadn't even been going 26 days in my cycle... so I waited... and on the 32nd day I took a home pregnancy test, negative. HOW FRUSTRATING. I knew I wasn't pregnant, I couldn't be - not with the traveling. My cycle had been so regular, I just didn't understand. Two days later I was talking to a girlfriend of mine, and she said "I know you are pregnant, will you just got take another test?" She kept at me until finally, at 4pm that afternoon I went downstairs to the bathroom. When walking upstairs with that long white stick in my hand... I stopped dead, and the tears started to flow..... it was positive. I started to take the pills ... and a few weeks later, we saw our little Belly Bug on the ultrasound... heart beating... and thriving.

Both babies that I fought for were diagnosed with health issues during my pregnancy. Although, for the most part, I got 2 healthy babies out of my fight, and am now the proud mother of 3 boys...

My husband and I decided if our first baby together was a boy, we would try one more time in hopes of getting that "girl" I really want... even if #4 is a boy, we'd be happy, and done....I hoped that we would have another miracle, worried about having another with medical needs, and I prayed I did not enter into the Infertility Abyss again…

Some people might ask why we would even try again after having two children with medical issues.  Those people must not know kids who have had to fight to be "normal" .... they are some of the most precious people in the world, and knowing them is a blessing.  They teach us more than we could ever teach them.  They teach us about life, humility, compassion, resilience, determination, patience, perseverance, and love...just to name a few.   We would accept and love whatever children we were blessed with.  Period.

So ... we started sort of trying again.  I ended up getting pregnant again right away, but - alas - it didn't last.  The pregnancy ended on our first wedding anniversary.  It's sad when you have to associate the loss of a baby on important days in your life or holidays.  Regardless, I went into my DR and he wanted me to go on Clomid again.  I talked it over with my husband, we agreed we'd give it a couple months and take a break if the Clomid didn't work.  So I took it.... we were charting and keeping track of baby dancing... then one morning I was woke up by the sound of a shot outside my window.  Low and behold the SWAT team was breaking in next door ...  the hubby and I peeked out the windows.  When it all calmed down I went and peed on a stick, low and behold, two lines.

That time..... I had a very healthy pregnancy with pre-term contractions and gestational diabetes, but instead of the 1lb 12oz or 3lb 4oz preemies I had previously gotten, I got a fat healthy 8lb 3oz baby boy.

The best part of that last baby ...  he looks just... like.... me.

Infertility haunts so many women.  We all take for granted that getting pregnant should come easy until we have to fight for it.  Until we have to consider treatments ranging from cheap to super expensive, surrogacy, adoptions, donor eggs or sperm, and harming ourselves in the name of becoming a parent.

People choose not to understand ...  it's like the dirty little secret no one talks about but so many suffer from. If there is someone in your life that you know wants a baby but it hasn't happened, support them.  Don't ask if they have been successful, ask if they are enjoying the weather.  Let them know you are there if they need a shoulder but don't press the issue.  It's hard and hurtful to talk about.  Be there but don't push.   And remember - even though you have a child or children - it doesn't mean the infertility goes away.

I might not have a hard time getting pregnant, but I sure do have a hard time staying pregnant.   I have had a total of 14 miscarriages now and 4 beautiful boys.  Even though the baby factory is closed, I'm still issues - physical, emotionally, mentally - from my infertility.  It never goes away, it's just about how you survive it.

Welcome April ICLW'ers!

Hello all my ICLW friends!!!   If you are stopping here from ICLW - WELCOME!!!  If you don't know what ICLW is ....... check it out (HERE) and join in next month!!!  I know most of you are still struggling to have families ....  and I can do nothing but pray for you ....

You can check out a bunch of my past ICLW introductions HERE .... each one might have a little different information....  but over all ....  this is my journey to have children.....

Our History....

1995 - pregnant
1995 - lost one twin (1st m/c) - Kearstyn
1996 - gave birth to Calahan
1997 - m/c at 6 wks - Bryce
1998 - m/c at 7 wks - Carson
1998 - m/c at 6 wks - Quinn
2000 - m/c at 6 wks - Makenzie
2001 - Clomid started
2001 - pregnant
2002 - Noah born premature
2002 - m/c at 11 wks - Hannah Rae
2003 - m/c at 6 wks - Olivia
2003 - m/c at 5 wks - Corie
2004 - Clomid Started
2004 - m/c at 7 wks - Brennon Conner
2004 - Clomid continued for 3 cycles
2005 - m/c at 5 wks - Hailey
(divorce from 1st husband)
2006 - m/c at 5 wks w/ ex bf - Neese Cleary
(met husband)
2006 - m/c at 5 wks - Finn
2006 - pregnant - progesterone taken until 12 weeks
2007 - Nathan born premature
2007 - m/c at 5 wks - Caelan (on our first wedding anniversary) 
2007 - Clomid started
2008 - pregnant - progesterone taken until 12 weeks 
2008 - The Wolf got Big V
2008 - Kaedyn born
2009 - Started BC Pills for hemorrhaging cycles
2010 - (missed a month of BC Pills due to moving)
2010 - m/c at 9 wks - Rowan - SURPRISE!

I may not understand everything - but I've been through a lot to get the great kids I have :)  I understand a lot....  especially that of loss.  

I hope you'll dig a little deeper in my blog, find some humor and a couple of heart touching stories.  Please check out the miracles I have ... read Noah & Nathan's stories (tabs above) ...

Please leave comments if you've been here so I can check out your blog :)

**someone asked me in my comments if we were sure Rowan was a miscarriage, and that I wasn't just late.  I wanted to add my reply on here .... in case someone else was wondering....

Yes, I'm sure it was a miscarriage - it was my 14th one.... and being late didn't bother me. I'm late all the time because I take my active birth control pills in secession so I don't have a period at all. I had pregnancy symptoms and funny enough, my husband even noticed. And when I had the miscarriage, I took a pregnancy test - sure nuff it was positive. So yeah, we're for sure that was a miscarriage. I have had some questionable ones since, but I haven't counted them - I have had a lot more questionable ones....

 In addition to that - I'll never forget the day - because it was 4th of July.  I lost Hannah the day after my birthday ....  and Caelan was on my husband's and my 1st Anniversary .....  happy anniversary huh?  ..... I only name pregnancies that I was absolutely for sure about.  I've probably had a lot more miscarriages than the 14 ...   plus, during my later ones - it's very obvious when you miscarry ...

If you don't think I went through enough TRYING to get and stay pregnant .....  well, getting pregnant was never really the problem... it was staying pregnant ....  anyway, as if that weren't enough ...  my kids insist on keeping me on my toes!!

Some of the medical issues our family deals with ....  

Calahan - ADHD/mild ODD .... Dysgraphia (learning disability) ...  and when he was 2 1/2 we went through a Leukemia scare with him - bone marrow tests and all - luckily he didn't have Leukemia ... but from this we know he has some sort of bleeding disorder that they haven't been able to figure out.

Noah - 1lb 12oz at birth  - Mosaic Trisomy 16 - extremely rare genetic disorder.  We were told he would die before he was born, right after he was born or shortly after ...   he just turned 10 years old!  He had kidney failure in 2007 thanks to a bacteria running amok in his belly ... and luckily his kidney's healed but they get tired when he gets sick and we have to really watch him. He has significant hearing loss in his left ear and wears a hearing aid.  He has Dyslexia .... sensory issues, and various other stuff.   During pregnancy he had a poorly functioning placenta ... IUGR ... low fluid a lot of the time... he was also born with a hyposadious and a natural circumcision ...

Nathan - 3lbs 4oz at birth - my little boy who loves the color pink .. lol..  originally he was diagnosed with Dandy Walker while he was in-utero ...  however, we have since learned that he has Russell Silver Syndrome (a type of primordial dwarfism) ...  he is 5 years old now, and 26 lbs.  He's a little shorter than his 3 yr old brother.  Technically he does have Dandy Walker Variant ...the vermus is missing in his cerebellum .... He also has something called polymicrogyria, his doctors say instead of the major fold between the two hemispheres of his brain, the front of Nathan's brain looks like a bunch of grapes - it has a lot of folds.  In addition to that, he has hypothyroidism, a high soft submucus closed cleft palate (meaning there is a mucus membrane on the roof of his mouth but no muscle behind it), Asthma  ...  he has Autism, major speech delay and various other things going on.  He had a 2 vessel cord and IUGR during pregnancy ...  he was also born with a hyposadious and Aortic Septal Defect

Kaedyn - aka Bubba ...  he was a fat healthy baby :)   He has eczema and allergies .... he has asthma and chronic croup when he gets sick....  and that's all :)   Well he does have speech issues also because he picked up "Nathanese" ...  Nathan and Kaedyn have a twin like relationship.  They were 16 months apart but Nathan was newborn-ish size when Kaedyn was born.  Kaedyn has started to take on the "protector" role over Nathan and only he can beat him up.... 

And that's just the cliff notes.....

 Our Family - Easter Weekend