Thoughts about Marriage .......

I have a *friend* from high school ...  and she recently announced her New Years engagement ... in other words, her boyfriend asked her to marry him on New Years ...

Okay -  not a biggy right?  That's super exciting news and everyone should be giving her major congratulations!  Right?

She has been through a lot over the past year, a lot of bad things that she's overcome ...  or at least managed to muddle her way through ....

So people, her close friends and family should all be excited for her, right?

It upset me, for her, the lack of excitement that was put out there.   Apparently it was a whirl wind romance, there was a lot of cautionary warnings and "make sure it's not a rebound" ...

It kinda took me back a bit....

In the U.S. ... I have read that 40% of marriages end in divorce after 8 years.  Now I'm not sure if that's a 8 years to 20 years - because 20 years is after 8 years, or if it's 40% end in about the 8th year.

So ... with that said, I want to explain something.

When I was 18, I had been in 3 high school type relationships.  I then met my 1st husband.

I wanted nothing more - in my life - than to be a MOM....  and I figured, out of all my friends, I would be the one who had the babies outside of marriage - and probably never get a man who could tolerate me.  I had been sick for a couple of years, and I guess I just never expected anyone to say "oh yeah, hey, I'll take that on!"  At 18 I was feeling better, but health was still hard.  But I met my first husband.

We had known each other for a few months, our first date was on February 2nd, and on February 19th he dragged me out to a jewelry store and wanted to know "what I liked" and ended up getting me a ring.  He never actually asked me to marry him.  I drove out to my Mom's house, and I went in there - and I looked at her, still in shock, and said "I think I just got engaged."

I didn't even know his last name at that point.  True story.  But the thought of being in love, and having that unconditional love filled me with just happiness and joy.  Looking back at the me - when I was 18 - I realize now, I wasn't so much in love with the man, as much as I was in love with the thought of being in love and being married and having a family.  I was young, and I was caught up in all the thoughts of "this is what I've always wanted." I was excited.

I don't take marriage lightly - when I think of marriage, I think of forever.  I think of growing old together and making things work.  My mom never got married, but she had a few long term relationships.  I can count on one hand the number of guys I remember her being with . without using all five fingers.  LOL....   (three, I remember three, Joey, Rick & Russ) ... my "example" was set by her parents.  My Grandparents.  My Grandma and Grandpa were amazing.  They were married - til death do us part.

Know what I mean?

And I did that in my first marriage.  I did it to the point of putting myself last, and that's what my first husband counted on.

I did learn a lot in my first marriage.  I learned that you may never truly know someone.  20 years later, and I just recently learned what a joke my first marriage was.  My ex lied to me, for the 10 years our marriage lasted, and continues to until this day.  He lies and makes up stories in order to make himself feel better about himself.  He would tell me he did horrible things (like cheating on me) and wait to see how I reacted - testing "how much I loved him" and if I would stay in the marriage.  Until I finally broke.  It came down to my children having a good example and being safe, and I would choose my children every damn time.

You can think you know someone, inside and out, and find out - you never truly knew them at all.  This is not only in regards to marriages and serious romantic relationships, but also friendships, even with relatives.  It's not exclusive to romance.

My first husband is a bad guy, he did HORRIBLE HORRIBLE things, but that isn't a reflection on me or my children.  The fact that we are even associated with him in any way, kills me.

But I cannot remotely say that I would change my relationship with him.  I got two amazing children.  I wouldn't trade them for the biggest library in the world (and that's saying something.)  I learned a lot about myself.  I learned a lot about people in general through my marriage.  I just ....  I had to go through that in order to be the person I am today.  At the end of the marriage, I managed to grow some balls.  And I'm proud of myself for that.

Then I met my ex boyfriend ...  and we were both going through divorces.  His was messy, and complicated, and mine wasn't for the most part.  It was filed and over with in about 6 months.  We had one court date, and that was to declare the end of the marriage.  He was in jail - it made things easier I suppose.

My ex boyfriend, got spooked (he told me at one point) ... he said he could see himself marrying me and that's one reason he broke things off.  But honestly - he never broke things off, I ended p breaking things off.  He was "dating" his next wife and still coming around me for things he shouldn't have been doing.  I didn't know he was doing anything but dating - so we had a relationship, decided to see other people (too), and continued to have a relationship, but he was serious with someone else.  So I became his dirty little secret.  I realized that one day, and shortly after, basically told him I couldn't talk to him anymore.

Several other guys I dated between the end of my marriage and meeting DB - these guys would say "will you marry me" and be totally serious.  I thought they were all crazy.  Apparently I'm just that type of girl that guys can see settling down with ..  I have no idea.   Regardless, any time these guys would get like that, I would back off from them.  It was kinda creepy.  After my ex-boyfriend, I was all

Then DB came along and we first had contact on June 3rd, started really talking on June 5th ..  and on June 6th he sent me an email with "will you marry me" on it - we were web-camming at the time, and I opened it and bust out laughing.  He laughed and said he was glad that I took it as the joke it was meant to be.  We talked non-stop though.  Computer chat, on web cam, on the phone...  if there wasn't a reason we couldn't talk (him working, my busy with the kids) we were talking somehow.  On his birthday, June 8th ....  he said to me, all serious....  "Will you marry me?"  and I realized he was serious.  It didn't creep me out.  I knew we were falling for each other.  I had told him that I wanted to take things slow, and I told him he broke the damn slow button.  He took that slow button and threw it over a cliff.  So when I answered him, I said - simply - that it seemed to be the way things were heading.  We hadn't even met in person at that point.  He said he did it because he wanted something good to happen on his birthday.

When we met, I asked him to be honest with me about everything -  I know he lied to me about some stuff.  I know the truth about - at least SOME of it - now.  9 years into the marriage, and I'm STILL learning a lot about him.   I feel like I'm an open book, I'm super honest.  I figure I want someone to know me and make their decisions about me without being fake.  But that's just me.

But we did really get to know each other in a very short period of time.  All we could do was talk.  It was like a few years of dating crammed into a short time.  It was kinda amazing.

But, my point is....  my first marriage, from first date to the day we got married was four months time, plus I was pregnant with Calahan when we got married.   We were married for 10 years.  Five years of that marriage was CRAP.  I should have gotten a divorce at 5 years - but I wouldn't have had Noah.  I should have divorced him in 2001, but .... then... I might not have been in the spot to meet DB...

My second marriage, from the time we "met" online to the day we got married was 6 months, and I was pregnant with Nathan at the time.  I'm not saying our marriage has been easy, either, but it certainly hasn't been CRAP like half of my first one.  And DB and I have been together now for 9 1/2 years.

So my WHOLE POINT to this blog is....

Sometimes you just KNOW.  Sometimes there is no question that you belong with someone.  My first marriage may not have turned out the way I envisioned, but I cannot regret it.  Regretting it means I regret my kids, and that's just not possible.

Yeah - my first marriage didn't work out (for REALLY good reason) and there isn't anything wrong with that.  I grew into a very strong woman in order to get out of it.  Getting out of it, brought the truth of it to light - and even though I am still working on completely healing...

It just makes me sad to see someone tell another person they shouldn't be engaged - that they should know someone at least five years before getting engaged because you never really know someone until five years have passed.

HA HA HA ....  truth is, you cn spend your life learning new things about your partner.  That's the truth.

Yes, you probably shouldn't act like me and dive into marriage like I do; however, I have had two marriages that lasted ten years (well, ten years and almost ten years) ...  and that's saying something in this day and age where divorce is like popping a tic tac.  I have friends who have been married three or four times.  A lot with two failed marriages that didn't even last five years.  My own husband (yes DB) had two marriages prior to ours that lasted less than a year.

I'm probably not a very good example, I'm sure - but I truly believe that marriage is making a commitment to one person, to get to know them for the rest of your life, through good times and bad, sickness and health, not bailing when things get rocky .... it's working through the problems and it's about communication.  It's commitment to put the work into it.