Losing My Mind .....

Tonight ...... DB and I were going in the grocery store.   I made a comment .... went something like this.......

"Just think about it.  9 years ago, you met this super intelligent girl and now I'm just a bag of mush brain."

He says....

"Yeah, you get any dumber and it's grounds for divorce."

I smacked him so hard... lol...  

He was joking... he was, I think? Right?  Yeah - he was joking.

But I feel awful.  We were both (all) hoping that the change of environment (moving) would help me.  But it hasn't.

I don't think I've gotten worse, but I haven't gotten better.

The pain is unbelievable...  the insomnia is crazy, and when I'm not awake all night, I'm falling asleep where ever I may be.  I can't drive.  And my mind is crap.  I have a really hard time remembering things, even some simple things...  I am constantly questioning things, did I do that already?  did this get done?  I can say something and not remember it.

It hurts so bad to move, that I literally can't sometimes.  It takes a lot of willpower to get up the get up and go to move my body through the house to the bathroom.  The thought of leaving the house, sometimes, makes me want to curl into a ball and cry.  I can't really move four toes on my left foot, I can move the big toe.  The others, well, it takes a lot to get them to curl.  It's getting to the point where I almost feel like I need a cane or something, the walls have become a good friend.  Really supportive (snickers) ....

The ninjas that live in my body, they multiply.  I give them eviction notices - but they don't listen.  Random stabbing, burning, poking, prodding....

It gets to the point where I thought ....

I get burned by random pokers so much, where I just have to sit there and take it.  Like - it legit feels like someone takes  red hot fire poker and pokes me, and I just sit there.  Depending on the intensity, I might scream -or cry .... but I have to just deal.   I wonder if I got jabbed with a real fire poker, if I'd just be so used to it that I'd sit there and think - no different than any other day of my life.

I haven't given up.

Just every now and then, need to shout how much THIS SUCKS!