Hello ... again...

I've been busy with life.  I miss writing.  I miss writing here, I miss documenting my life - I like to look back and say ... oh ...wow...  LOL... I remember that!

Cuz this blog isn't for anyone - but me....  and well, whomever chooses to read it.

It's currently almost 4am.  I ended up sleeping a lot today.  Ended up having trouble staying awake for even two hours during the day today, and now - I can't sleep.  I haven't been able to fall asleep until 4am or later lately - last night I ended up managing going to sleep at 1am.  I slept until 5am and I thought - YES!  I am going to get more on track!  I wasn't tired at all, I stayed up until 8am .. then after getting Nathan settled (because he woke up) I tried to get a little more sleep.  Thinking - oh I'll sleep two hours and then get up.  (rolling eyes) ... it didn't work that way.  I woke up around 10:30 .. ended up going back to sleep .. slept until about 2 ... I tried to stay up, I was out in the living room at the dining room table and everything, and I just couldn't do it.  Between the pain and everything else - I'm just beat.  So I come back to the bedroom and lay down - just to watch TV.  I am rewatching Bones - the first few seasons, considering how the last one ended.  I've already gone through Season 1 and Season 2 - am in Season 3 right now.  A lot of episodes I don't remember - that I didn't think I've seen - so I'm glad I'm re-watching.  I love this show.

A lot of my favorite shows are ending or have...  CSI.  Rizzoli & Isles ... this is Ghost Hunters last season ...  there are a bunch but it's 4am and I can't think.  There are some good ones (it looks like) starting up that I'm kinda excited about. Anyway - I love Bones.  I love shows that show intelligent people.

Anyway ..... this week is going to be a long week but I am soooooo excited!!  I can't say why at the moment though.  There is a HUGE surprise arriving this week.  Also someone is getting ...

Married!!!!!   I am sooooooooo excited and cannot wait until I can talk about it because I want to shout it!  But there is a reason it's going to stay hush hush until after the it's all said and done.

I'm going to be soooooo busy though until the 6th.  I need to just let myself have the next couple days to relax.  Well as much as I can with everything going on this week!  Today (Monday) we have two appointments.  One to talk to the kids doctor about getting Kaedyn's epi pen for school (and another one for home, it's expired) ...  Shila has and appointment.  Gotta get the boys signs done for their first day of school too.

Midnight Tuesday (Monday night) - the new WOW expansion launches and our whole house is just waiting for that to happen.  I've been trying to get my low level toons up to lvl 100 with the invasions, but because I decided to work on 5 of them, and not one ...  they are all up to (70, 71,72, 73, 73) right now...

Tuesday is the boys back to school night with the boys.  We get to go meet their teachers, drop off their school supplies, etc and so on.  Lots of pictures!

Wednesday is the boys first day of school!  Nathan is in 4th Grade and Kaedyn is in 2nd Grade this year.  Nathan - of course - will mostly be in the inclusion room but yeah.

Thrusday we're gonna be in Seattle all day.

Friday will be super busy.

Saturday is the wedding and other fun stuff.

Basically Thrusday to Tuesday is going to be a lot of fun awesome stuff going on and a lot of traveling.

I just really need to get back into blogging and writing ....   Peace Out! For a minute anyway ...

More TV Talk...

Yeah I don't have a lot to write about right now other than Games I play and TV I watch ... I mean I do - but I don't.

So I caught up (finished up) on Teen Mom 2.  See my DVR is about 100% full because I have been watching Big Brother UK and Big Brother Canada from this year on my computer and not watching a lot of TV.

So anyway - I finished up Teen Mom 2 - had like, five episodes to watch (including both reunion specials).   Just ... not even gonna comment.  (Note: I was a teen mom so I understand)..  No wait, I am.  Leah - I have loved her from the start. I have always thought she was really strong and a great mom.  Her struggle the last few years have been hard to watch.  She's so young, been married and divorced twice now, has three babies, one with medical issues... The most important thing is she realized her issues, and got help.  If it were just for depression and anxiety, or if she did have a prescription drug issue.  She got help.  Kailyn and Javi, well.  I just don't even know what to say.  I think Javi is a great guy, but he does have some pretty hard core jealousy issues.  I think him blaming Kailyn for the miscarriage was a major breaking point for Kailyn. I had hoped that they would make it, but at this point, I'm not sure they will.  I think Joe has really stepped up to the plate. And I'm proud of the relationship Kailyn and Joe have now, even though they have moments, they are doing really well at co-parenting. I think Janelle and her mom are their own kind of special.  I'm really happy for Chelsea. She's rarely had bad parenting moments, and the only moments she had that were questionable was her going back to Adam so many times.  And pha-lease on Adam.  "I don't have to answer any questions. I'm just here because of the contract."  (rolling eyes)..

That fell into starting to watch The Bachelorette ... which I also have a ton of episodes (basically watching from the beginning of this season.)  And I'm just not sure if I am going to get invested in this season.  I'm trying to get invested, but ... I wasn't invested in last season of The Bachelor, so ... I never got invested in JoJo.

Although I thought this was a pretty cool shot....

The only way I'm going to get invested is if we have some intense drama UNREAL style.  Now let's side line to the show UNREAL ...  not so sure I'm gonna watch a second season of this either.  I liked the first season, but now it just kinda seems like two angry bitches and a jackass.  Meh.

But yeah .....

First - I skipped through a lot of the first episode.  Then guys started getting drunk and crashing JoJo's interview ... that was kinda funny.  Episode two and ... JoJo is fighting fires but she is NOT in regulation gear.  I mean - come on!  She looks like she's more equipt to start a wet t-shirt contest.

I do kinda like Wells ...  I mean, he was so pathetic at the whole firefighter thing...  I mean he almost NEEDED the EMS ... instead of being the Firefighter... and then he was really cute and funny making fun of himself and the whole situation later... I like he got the first group date rose.

Then there is the bro-mance going on between Chad and I think it's Derek - and their "these guys are are already so head over heels over this girl and no one knows her" ... and then the whole "she's going for the nice guys, but they are assholes!  We're assholes but deep down assholes..."

Gag.

I have to say ...... for once, I am a villian lover.  Only cuz I'm so not even invested in this season.  I'm like ...  will Chad make it to another week to make life hell in the Bachelor house?

Rose ceremony - Chad is all "oh well she gave him a rose cuz she wants America to think she does't hate short people."  I mean ..... bawhahahahahahahahahahaaha....

Who says that?

And leave it to me - to see the Alliance (World of Warcraft) Pin on the guy at ESPN ... "Bacholer Nation" ...

Okay so back in the day - Tori Spelling did a Lifetime Movie called "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?"  ... basically - about her being in an abusive relationship with a character played by Ivan Sergei...  he takes on the personality of other guys he knows, and keeps reinventing himself and preying on the same type of woman.

So ... the have a new movie out with Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei of the same name.  And you think... THINK .... just MAYBE ... it's a continuation of the previous movie.  Maybe Tori's character ended up getting pregnant by Ivan's character and somehow they end up in the same place years later when their daughter is grown up... and ... FUCK NO, that's not the case.  NO it's this crazy twisted Hamlet Vampire story of date rape and turning people into "Night Walkers" ...  um...

WHY would you name the movie the same thing - this should have been called "Vampires Eat Hamlet" ...  or something like that.  One was an overprotective concerned Mom who's daughter was sleeping with an abusive boyfriend.  One was a Mom concerned about her daughter because she was gay? And sure she was sleeping with a vampire, but Mom had no idea.  AND the vampire girlfriend was actually trying to PROTECT the girl by NOT changing her.

Strange ... just....... strange. Course I wanted to just turn it off - but I couldn't ...  cuz I was waiting for the main character to be turned into a Night Walker..... which did happen at the end.  Tori's character ended up dead on the beach eatten by the vampire asshole that "accidently" got turned when the vampire girls were trying to eat his face off when he was trying to rape the daughter at the Halloween party.  And then the vampire girlfriend and the daughter fight all three vampire girls and the vampire asshole and win, and you think they might be dead (or dying) and then the vampire girlfriend and daughter run off and the daughter gets turned so they can be together forever - meanwhile you wonder if Tori is going to be a vampire now, like the older guy in Lost Boys and just be the ring leader ... but nooooo ...  you do see the three vampire girls and the vampire asshole with their scars (I thought they were great healers?) from the fight that night a year ago - walk into a Halloween party ... so ... oh GAWD please no, there might be a sequal ...

Game Of Thrones (don't read if you haven't watched)

Okay ..... so tonight we watched the last THREE episodes of Game of Thrones, leading up to the amazballs BATTLE OF THE BASTERDS ....

Ooooooooooooooh yeah....

Okay ... so .......  I have to talk about this.... it was EPIC ... I mean it was... truly ...

First I have to say that it's good to see Arya back.  I mean, I love it when she pokes people with her Needle.

YAY - Arya's kicking ass!!

And then there is this...

First..... pah-lease!  Daenerys had Tyrion shaking his in boots!!  He was like... "I swear I didn't screw up, you just showed up right on time, er... at a bad time!"  LOL

“The people are behind you. Well, not all the people, of course. No ruler that ever lived had the support of all the people.”

She listens to him and she's just like ... okay!  He's confused!

And he's like "Do  you have a plan?"

“I will crucify the masters, I will set their fleets afire, kill every last one of their soldiers and return their cities to the dirt. That is my plan.”

And did she ever....

Who needs boats with catapults tossing fire balls when you have our own flame throwers with wings!

And then we got to Jon and Sansa meeting stupid face prior to the battle..... and he's all trying to be intimidating and making threats .... meanwhile... I think Sansa realizes in that moment, they are not going to get their brother back.  Ramsay will make certain of that...

She has the last words, and they are amazing....

“You’re going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton. Sleep well.”

I was like YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!  Sansa has some big balls!!!

So the battle starts with the murder of their brother - of course.  Drawn out mean way ... poor kid.  And they start fighting cuz now Jon is super pissed....  so this happens... they get surrounded by the part of the army with shields and sharp spears...

 Have to admit, this is pretty good move.  Every couple minutes they grunt and take a couple more steps, either shoving the spears in someone or making the group push closer together ...

But then they realize they can go over the mount of death to get away from the mean spears... and suddenly they are trampling Jon and we literally yelled "YOU CAN'T KILL HIM!"  We just got him back, he can't die being trampled to death!!

He manages to push up and get air...

And just when you think they are totally screwed...  a ray of hope!  Actually it was more like an army of KICK ASS.......

Only now smerking Little Finger looks like he's going to demand "payment" for his good timing.

Ramsay is like...... "Fuck, that little bitch brought buddies" 

Sansa is all like..... "Yep, I did this!  I made this happen." 

THE BEST PART OF THE EPISODE was watching Jon Snow beat Ramsay's face in.  BAM - that's for my brother.  BAM - that's for killing my friends.  BAM - that's for killing the wolf.  BAM - that's for killing my giant!  BAM - that's for the mud bath.  BAM - that's for raping my sister.  BAM - that's for trying ot kill my sister.  BAM - that's for not giving me back my home when I asked nicely.  BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM - that's for messing up my hair.  

And then the STARK banner falls and amazingness is restored!!  (And I can proudly wear my shirt again, oh wait, I have always proudly worn my Stark shirt.)

Sansa is all like....... just let me have the killing blow!

But they won..... whew.  Good beat Evil yet again....

Ramsay is stuck in a deep dark cell where he belongs..... and when he comes to... Sansa is there...

“Sansa.  Hello Sansa. Is this where I'll be staying now? Our time together is about to come to an end. That’s alright. You can’t kill me. I’m part of you now.”

“Your words will disappear. Your house will disappear. Your name will disappear. All memory of you will disappear.”

Cocky Meat Face says... "My hounds will never harm me." 

But this is what he trained them to be.... assholes just like him.

"You haven't fed them in seven days, you said it yourself." 

"They're loyal beasts." he claims.

"They were.  Now they're starving." Sasa reminds him...

Puppy is like...  Oh hi, I know you.  But....

And Sansa is like.....  "oh I would pay money to watch this... but... I have a front row seat anyway."  and .... yeah ..... Karma's a bitch!

Puppy is like kiss me...  no?

Sansa watched ..... oh did she ever watch.  And then as she walked away ..... and knew karma was a wonderful thing.....

And then the show ended and I was like.... what?  WAIT?  "I'm a part of you now?"  What the hell?  That doesn't mean?  Nah.... can't be, right?  

Good to know I'm not the only one......

EPIC!!!   <--- that's all I'm gonna say.

Okay - I have to blog again ....

Do you ever wonder ... just ...... why?   I mean ....  WHY?

Why does this happen in my life?  Why does crap seem to rain upon me?

Well - not real crap, cuz, that would just be royally gross... but...

Yeah - kinda like that.

We're rolling into my 4th year of this fanfuckingtastic gift that keeps on giving, that's right - the Fibro (CFS) Flare up that doesn't go away!

Last week, I had a DRs appt.  Ya know, that kind that your husband makes for you and forgets to tell you about "SURPRISE" you are overdue to follow up with the DR kind of appointment and springs it on you the night before!

So I went...... and I was rather sassy.   You have a doctor who A: is amazing but B: isn't a native to America (he's Asian) and CLEARLY isn't schooled in "Nissa's Sarcasm" ..... poor guy.

So I lost all that weight, now I get kicked in the pants because I've gained 20 lbs back thanks to my being back on insulin and well... even though I've been super busy and more active than I've been in months in the last few weeks, I've just been that.... on piss your weight loss away insulin and sitting on my fattening ass.  Yeah..... hello sadness...

Wasn't happy about that nice little happy number ...  but oh well.  Right?

So now .... my BP is okay (especially for being off my blood pressure pill for a couple days) ... and my heart rate was rapid.

So we go through the appointment and blah blah blah ... "I want your blood" .... blah blah blah  "Yeah you have a UTI/Bladder infection and a low grade fever..." blah blah blah.  "Oh by the way, your heart rate is really high, I'd like to do an EKG.  Okay?"

..... "no" ......

Blinks a few times.  "No?  Really?"   He's confused and royally like "Is she really refusing?"   Then he decides he's the DR and not giving me a choice.  Big mistake in the first place.  I'm like a toddler.  Don't give me a choice, make a statement.

"Okay you are getting an EKG," he said.  "And then you are going to wait for the results."

So I get the EKG ...  the nurse who does it tells me to "take everything off from the waist up"  and "have the gown open in the front."  

I'm like ---- really?  I didn't sign up to be "touched" like that.  BUY ME DINNER FIRST if you expect to touch my boobs.  Seriously!

Yeah yeah ....  ::: sigh ::::

I comply.

So she comes back in and tells me to lay down on the table....  all I hear is "assume the position" ...  so she starts to put all the fun stickers on me...  on my legs, on my chest, pushing my boob to the left, to the right, up ...  putting stickers all over ...

It takes longer to put all the stickers on then it does to actually run the EKG ...

But whatever... it was done.   And then I waited.

The doc came in and he was talking and he says "There is evidence of  myocardial infarction (old) and I'm listening to him ... he's talking about referring me to a cardiologist and I asked what all of this meant....  he says....

There is evidence that you had a HEART ATTACK ...  then he says "probably a silent heart attack" ... and I look at DB and he looks at me.

Suddenly I'm remembering a night about a month or so ago .... DB was stressing out about school work and getting something done.  But I was laying in bed and my heart was just racing.  But it was beating so hard.  I mean REALLY hard.  And I could feel the palpatations and it was just ... so weird.  I was freaking out a little...

Now, I have a history of palpatations.  And if you've never heard of or had them...  a palpatation is when your heart stops for a moment ...  just ...... stops.  And I can usually tell when they are going to start, or when I'm going to have a palpatation... because I get this tightness/pressure and then - it stops.

I have had two 48 hour heart monitoring tests where I wear this machine for two days because of my palpatations.  Of course - for whatever reason they were "normal" ... or not concerning enough.  I was told around the same time that I have an ASD (hole in my heart - a murmur) and that half my heart was larger than the other.

And it really annoyed me that they would tell me this information and basically act like it was no big deal.  So eventually - I just started thinking - it was no big deal.

So that night with the rapid hard beating and the palpatations where I was sitting there with a stethoscope to my chest listening to my own heart STOP BEATING ...  I brushed it off as an anxiety attack with my normal annoying palpatations.

Even though all that stuff happened before, on it's own - basically - the whole event was not my normal.

I kept going to DB asking him - even with the stethoscope - I just wanted him to tell me if it was something to worry about - because I was talking myself out of it.

And he snapped at me and he said "Either tell me we're going into the ER or let me get back to work!" and I just turned around and went to bed.  I told myself, if it was (or did) happen again the next day, I would go in.  I woke up, and my chest was a bit sore but ... just seemed more normal.

And then I read - a lot of women think their Silent Heart Attacks are just anxiety and I was like .... dayyyum.  (crying)

I read that one line and was like....... CRAP.  Just crap!

Clearly - I was very lucky.  VERY lucky.  I'm always tired, either I've battling insomnia or I feel like all I do is sleep.  Like - two nights ago, I didn't get to sleep until 6am, was up at 11:30am.  The following night, I didn't get to sleep until 3am or 4am - and I slept a lot yesterday.  I think I slept from 3-4am to 11:30ish-am, and then I ended up napping again later in the afternoon, and now - since that nap - I haven't slept.  It's 7:30am - not sleeping.  I'm tired, I'd love to sleep.  But it's not happening.

DB tells me to put down my phone, put away the laptop, turn off the TV - but it doesn't work like that.  I can put everything away, but if I don't have voices to listen to, either my mind is going crazy, or the pain is too much and I just can't be in a silent room with my pain.  I have to have something to take my mind somewhere else instead of only having my pain to focus on.  I have zero problem falling asleep with the TV on, I've been doing it all my life.  Just doesn't matter.  But if there is silence.... it's ...

"I should write...."
"Tomorrow I need to...."
"(insert name) is snoring, that doesn't sound good"
"Is that a spider on the ceiling?"
"If we did ...."
"Is that a wolf howling?"
"We should go to..."
"If I did this with the kids...."
(Insert Homeschooling ideas)
(Insert plots)
(Insert photo ideas)
"I need to do ..."
"Do Minons have knees?"
"Bedobedobedo...BANANAS!"
"Why can't I sleep?"
"I want to plant a garden..."
"B-A-N-A-N-A-S... dammit Gwen .."
"I wonder if I'll ever make it to a ComicCon?"
"Oh look, I have the choice between Infomercials or Law & Order .... Law & Order wins..."
"Nathan is actually growing...."
"The boys are looking like twins again."
"Oh look, I can just imagine a creep shadow seeping out of the attic...."
"Wait... why am I imagining that?"
"Why do I never feel any sort of closure at the end of Law & Order, always feeling like there are more questions hanging... "
"What should I draw on Nate's bags today?"
"DB is in the middle of the bed again..."
"He'll just telling me it's cuz he wants to be close to me...."
"Beep Beep Beep....  why is my head beeping?"
"I should watch Doctor Who... "
"Shut up head, just shut up!"

And that's just a sampling .... usually between me cussing out some part of my body because it HURTS SO EFFING MUCH.

::: sighs ::::

And then I'm watching CSI and was like....... Oh look...... Haley Hotchner is a NUN - what the heck would Hotchner say?  He'd be so disappointed....  :: shakes head ::

And then the next episode came on ...... and there is Bobby.....

CLEARLY - I need to go to sleep....