Loss and Grief ...... take 2 ...

It has certainly been a time for loss and grief this week...er...month. 

In the last month - my Dad lost a family member (which would mean it is a family member of mine, that I never really met ....) ....   I lost my Mother-In-Law (just cuz you divorce her son, doesn't mean you divorce her - right ......  this isn't DB's Mom, this is my ex husband's mom and Grandmother to my older two boys.) .....  Several friends had early miscarriages .... one of my long time blogging friends made a hilarious announcement ... only to be followed with the announcement that she lost the baby.  They were all still in shock, I think....  but she's a WONDERFUL mother and I know they would have all totally embraced the baby.   My room-mate had a miscarriage.....  she didn't even realize she was pregnant .... and well, when you've had a miscarriage, you know when you are having another.  One of my best friends, I fully, totally, unequivocally believe she had another miscarriage......  and ... this will be a shock to my mom (I didn't want to tell her until we were sure and she's on vacation) if she reads this, but I suffered my 15th miscarriage.  Well, I didn't *suffer* it yet. 

June 6 - FMU

June 7 - FMU - fainter already

Got two positive tests, and then the blood tests were NOT GOOD ..... so in time it will come. They were two faint positives (along with a butt load of typical pregnancy symptoms for me) ... DB was super excited (nice change from the reaction he had with Kaed.) .... I was totally and royally freaked out and totally anxious. 

Em (our roommate) says ....... "You totally have PTSD from infertility" 

.... I said "I know RIGHT?"

DB begged me to get in ASAP to the DR to get my beta and get on my progesterone pills.  I just didn't want to.  I don't know what it was, but I felt like if I did.......

Anyway - so I went.  I was so anxious...  so afraid they were going to just think I'm nuts.  I'm not suppose to be going through this here.  I didn't dive into my infertility and history with my new DR we've had since moving here because .... I'm on birth control pills and DB got a vasectomy ...  sure it's a vasectomy that never got followed up on ...

Anyway ..... I went back and she took my blood pressure and it was 212/98 ..... HOLY CRAP!!  I've never seen the blood pressure machine explode in whistles before..... yep ... this is all from my anxiety about going in ..... anyway - they did a pee test, which was negative - and I knew it would be ... A: I had just peed an hour before, and B: I was still getting just faints at this point.    So then they run a beta ... and it's like ..... 9:30pm... so they ask if I will take it over to the hospital to get the test ran because they want it back A.S.A.P  ....  so I do ..... and then I go home and wait for a call.  They close at 11pm (I went into Urgent Care cuz I couldn't get in to see my DR until tomorrow - Monday) ....  and I'm waiting and waiting and at 10:50 the phone rings.  She tells me there was a mix-up.  GRRRRRRRREAT!  The hospital in S-dale got mixed up and sent it to B-town and B-town's machine is down.....  so they were sending it BACK to S-dale. ....  SERIOUSLY?   So I wouldn't get the results until the following morning.......

During the appointment my husband had with our DR on Friday ..... she tried to say it was a "false" positive .... you don't get TWO false positives ......  Then she tried to tell me if I had indeed truly been pregnant - "your hCG would still be at least 200 from 4 days ago and ..."  I was like.  Wow...... that right there tells me you know NOTHING about it ......at..... all.......... and if I were to ever "truly" get pregnant ...... she won't be taking care of me. 

I know that my levels can drastically drop - I use tests that test positive on very low amounts of hCG (like 25) .... and I've had doctor confirmed miscarriages where I've tested positive one day and ZERO the next ..... so I know it can drop drastically ...  

So....  we know the miscarriage is inevitable .... Daddy doesn't really want to believe it... my symptoms have decreased, the peeing every hour or more (literally) has slowed down .... 

And the night I got the test done, prior to us finding out the number ....  I saw a little boy in my doorway, he walked infront of my door....  dark hair, soulful eyes ... looked like Kaedyn .... only he was about 7 or 8 ....  and he looked at me, and disappeared.  

So the following day - DB says to me, "I wonder if that was him saying good-bye" ...  and I said "Maybe." ....   maybe.......

So ...... we named him Emrys.   He's #15.... 

Sooooooooo .............

The boys Grandma ........

I had a moment when I thought - seeing the two lines when she died .... I thought - maybe she was coming back to us.   I guess not....   

Jeannie G.

Jeannie G.

Posted: Thursday, June 7, 2012 12:00 am

Jeannie E. G*****, 59, of *****, Chippewa Falls, village of Lake Hallie died Tuesday, June 5, 2012 at the Chippewa Manor in Chippewa Falls.
She was born May 10, 1953 in Rice Lake, the daughter of Isedore and Mabel.

Jeannie graduated from Rice Lake High School in 1971. After high school, Jeannie moved to the Twin Cities and worked for several companies in the computer industries including Honeywell and Sperry Univac. When Cray Research opened a new plant in Rice Lake in 1982 Jeannie was one of the initial employees to start the operation. She transferred to Chippewa Falls when the Rice Lake plant was closed. She continued working in circuit board inspection with Cray then Johnson Matthey, Allied Signal, Honeywell and finally TTM all at the same location and recently was awarded for 30 years of service. It is likely few people have inspected and handled more high tech circuit boards than Jeannie.

Jeannie worked at TTM Technologies for years.

Jeannie had many passions in her life, including the genealogical history of her ancestors, quilting and her dog, Darby.

Jeannie is survived by her significant other, Jim  of Chippewa Falls; one son, Keith; her mother, Mabel and her husband, Ray of Rice Lake; four brothers,; two sisters; two grandchildren, Callahan and Noah both in Washington; nieces and nephews; and other relatives and friends.

She was preceded in death by her father, Isedore.

Funeral services will be held at 10:30 a.m. Saturday, June 9, at the Horan Funeral Home in Chippewa Falls. The Rev. Mark Pierce of Notre Dame Church will be officiating. Burial of cremains will be in St. Joseph's Cemetery in Rice Lake at a later date.

Friends may call from 4 to 7 p.m. Friday, June 8 and until the time of services Saturday at the funeral home.

So her visitation was Friday and services were Saturday - and apparently she was cremated ....  I had asked them to take as many pictures as possible - and I was told that the person I asked to - didn't - but the funeral home did and had some stuff to send us?  So I guess we'll see.   I just need the kids to have some sort of closure. 

Here are a few photos of her and the boys......

Grandma and Noah on his first birthday ~ 2003

My Ex, Great-Grandma, Grandma and Calahan when he was a baby - 1997 - 4 Generations

Grandma and Calahan when he was about 3 or 4

 These are the flowers that were sent from our family (My mom, and us)

It's been a rough weekend for Calahan but we've been keeping him busy, and Noah still doesn't grasp it 100% ......