Dear Blogger..... it has been a month ...

Dear Blogger.... 

It has been a month since my last drink blog....

I have actually still been blogging, even though it doesn't appear that I am blogging on here...  I am, on a different blog. 

I started a "TRAVEL" blog ... and I have gone so far as to back date blogs for the last 8 years for all the things we've done here in Washington since moving here. 

So I have been working pretty hard on that blog lately.  Practically sinking all of my free time into it.  On top of that, I've had the flu, I've been battling a sinus infection since November 11th...  It's been rough.  I am currently working on blog #40 over there. 3 or 4 of them are just ... mumbling entries... so yes, I have been working pretty hard on there. 

Fast forward to non-blogging, real every day life. 

I'm really frustrated with things and just ... I don't know... maybe overwhelmed. 

There is this .... square.  Consists of my ex, friend #1, friend #2 and myself.   Now, before anyone freaks the fuck out,  I am in no way involved with my ex other than him being my kids bio-factor and I'm trying to be a friend to him in a way because I know he doesn't have many. 

But I'm kinda at my wits end. 

I have my own concerns, not only about one of the friend's safety but just in general.  However, the one friend (who's safety I'm concerned about) ... she genuinely wants to be his friend and cares about him.  She may - honestly - be the only one of us who feels that way.  Honestly, I could care less.  I don't love him, I honestly have no feelings for him - none at all.  Not either way.  This is going to sound bad, and harsh, but I don't think I would be upset if he stopped breathing.  I have to balance a lot of issues that I have with him from our past and the things he has done and said that ultimately at one point in my life, crushed every fiber of who I am.  He put me in situations I should have never been in, nor my children.  He continuously tries to "down play" things to make himself feel better or look better in other's eyes and to-this-day he still blames me for the things that has gone wrong in his life and the only person he really has to blame is himself. 

So I am in this square ...  Friend #1 and I share pretty much everything, Friend #1 is the one that I have had very real concerns about - for her safety.   Friend #2 ... we have spurts of talking.  Either we are talking all the time - or we're barely talking at all.  There really doesn't seem to be a happy medium. 

These are the only two people who truly know what I have been through - personally knowing him - that I can talk to, and who can understand.  So I vent to both of them.  I told friend #2 things that friend #1 told me, expecting friend #2 never to talk to the ex again. 

Then friend #2 decided she wanted to talk to him again, and when I started to side step ... not wanting to give her his information without checking with him first.  She decided to take another way and ask his childhood best friend (who she started to talk to because of me) ...  So .. because he asked me for my ex's email finding out that my ex's dad was diagnosed with cancer again.  I am almost certain he asked me ... to get the information to her. 

And that's some shady shit.... 

My ex did something horrible.  If he weren't the sperm donor to my older two ... I would not be talking to him.  That's a fact.  My kids are old enough to decide if they want to have a relationship with their bio-factor.  He has been out of their lives for pretty much the last 12 years.  So they are allowed to have whatever relationship they are comfortable with - with him. 

I don't do that shady ass shit of lying to my kids and make them choose me over him.  It's not okay.  I tell them, all the time, repeatedly ... it is their choice and I'll never stand in the way of them having the relationship they want with him.

Regardless...  friend #2 dangles the carrot of her friendship with him just out of his reach, knowing that he's been in love with her for 12 years.  Obsessive, stalker, love ... but regardless. 

So now friend #2 is calling him a liar, and telling him that she has been sworn to secrecy but she knows he's lying.  He is all about trying to figure out what she's talking about but can't get it out of her because if she tells him, she breaks a promise to me.  But if I say something ...  I break a promise to friend #1. 

My choice is biting my ass.

Though, she knew how he gets to be - dog with a bone - he doesn't let things go.   So even hinting at it, yeah. 

It's weighing on me.  Not because of him, but because of friend #1.  I sincerely don't want more crap on her shoulders. 

Beyond that...  I don't know.  I just feel like I'm in this really weird head space.