It's part of my story ... sadly it's part of my life.
There was a documentary on (the channel) ID that hit home for me. Not even remotely the same situation, but I could still relate so much.
The documentary was called THE FAMILY I HAD ... and it told the story of Paris Lee Bennett, his sister Ella and his mom Charity Lee. In 2007 on a blistery February morning, Charity was working and it was just after midnight when the cops showed up at the restaurant she worked at. They told her that her 4 year old daughter had been hurt. She had left her 13 year old son, and 3 year old daughter at home with a babysitter. She found out that her daughter was dead, and her son had killed her.
Paris Lee Bennett was 13 years old when he beat and stabbed his little sister to death. Charity had left Paris and Ella at home with a babysitter so she could go make her shift at Buffalo Wild Wings for the night. It was just after midnight when police showed up, telling Charity that Ella had been hurt. When she demanded that they take her to her daughter, she was told that she couldn't see her, Ella was dead. It didn't make sense in that moment, she had left the kids with a babysitter. She asked about her son, if he was okay. The cops said "We have him...." and she says that's when everything stopped making sense.
Paris had convinced the babysitter to leave early. He apparently had been thinking all day of ways and who to kill Should he kill the babysitter? Perhaps someone down the street, out on a walk, someone he didn't know. When he decided to kill his little sister, he thought about laying in wait and killing his mother when she came home.
He beat, choked, and stabbed her 17 times. She had defensive wounds, she fought back.
It's HORRIBLE. So horrible no one could imagine what would possess him to do that to that sweet little girl?
Paris called a friend, to tell him that he hurt his sister. The call lasting six minutes. He then called 911 to report the murder. He told them that he killed his sister. The 911 operator insisted that he try to do CPR even thought Paris said his sister was dead. She kept insisting. So Paris pretended ... he pretended to do CPR.
He had decided not to kill his mother, because killing his sister had proved to be a lot harder than he imagined. And he decided that he didn't want to "put her out of her misery" and that leaving her alive would "make her suffer forever."
Charity talks about how she struggled with being so angry and probably hating her son, but still loving him and worrying about his safety. She struggled with the conflicting feelings. She had said, she was still his mother, nothing would ever change that. She fears him, worries about the day he gets out ... but she still loves him.
Part of this article (linked above) that I want to talk about.
Paris was evaluated by at least two different forensic psychologists after Ella’s murder, and Lee asked a third to review her son’s file. One wrote that Paris was at moderate risk for developing psychopathic traits, characteristics, and tendencies, and also wrote, “It would appear that Paris has pathological narcissism.” Lee claims the psychologist that Paris’ defense team hired called her soon after his sentencing because “ethically, he felt I should know his opinion.” She wept when the psychologist told her Paris had all the necessary traits to be labeled a psychopath (the terms sociopath and psychopath are generally used interchangeably). A third psychologist suggested that Lee move away from Texas and change her identity before Paris is eligible for parole.
The idea that psychopathic tendencies can be detected in children remains controversial. There’s no accepted standard test for psychopathy in children, and some psychologists argue that it’s almost impossible to diagnose in children or teenagers because their brains are still developing and normal behavior at those ages may be misinterpreted as psychopathic — researchers have linked psychopathic behaviors to low levels of cortisol in the brain and below-normal function in the amygdala, the portion of the brain that processes fear, shame, and remorse.
Still, a small but growing number of psychologists now say psychopathy, like autism, is a distinct neurological condition that can be identified in children as young as five years old. Last year, The New York Times Magazine profiled the work of Florida International University psychologist and researcher Dan Waschbusch, who employs a combination of psychological checklists and exams to screen for what he calls “callous-unemotional” children, whose lack of affect, remorse, or empathy, he contends, put them at risk of becoming psychopaths as adults.
This catches me on a few levels.
1: When my son Noah, who has Mosaic Trisomy 16 - I was also told he would die, period, exclamation point, no questions asked... was evaluated by a psychologist.... I had taken him in to see if maybe he might have some form of Autism. The psychologist came out, instead, telling me that Noah was the type of kid who would kill me in my sleep.
I remember I was so shocked and horrified. How could someone even say that. He was a happy little boy who had medical issues and I was HORRIFIED.
Not only that, I didn't know what to do with that information.
I also knew that one ONE person's assessment.
But I was listening to Charity's mother talking about how - just a few months before Paris killed Ella - how Charity took Paris to a mental health facility and was told he had homicidal tenancies (I think I remember this right) ... and how she basically ignored it, because this is her kid.
And in that moment, I remembered that guy telling me Noah was going to grow up and kill me in my sleep ... and I thought he was crazy... and how I had ignored it.
I had completely forgotten about it.
I was in that moment... listening ..... and I thought, holy shit!
2: My ex husband. He's a bad man. Not murdering Mobster type bad, or gang member bad ... (although my husband's family was in the Italian Mob in Chicago, but that's another story for a never kind of day. My step-dad also offers, often, to knock someone off ... cuz he knows people who know people. But imagine the worst thing any person can do, he did THAT.
You are never not supposed to be able to trust your husband (my now ex-husband) ..... You don't go into a marriage thinking ... huh, I can't trust you. I can't.
Yeah, I definitely didn't go into my first marriage thinking that.
Through the years, especially now when I'm 12 years out from leaving him... I realize a lot of things... like, when I thought he was enamored by me, he was obsessed and stalking me ... he would gaslight me, all the time. I didn't see the abuse, or the level of abuse while I was in the relationship. It was like, I broke free and could actually breathe again.
This million pound weight was lifted off of me.
But the mental trauma, the fear, the confusion when something happened seemingly under your nose and you had no idea... the threats, the stigma ... that doesn't go away.
I had fear of people putting signs in our yard, of them picketing... throwing rocks at our windows, of genuinely harming my children.... my children who have nothing to do with their father's crime. My child ended up being bullied because of his father's crime. Death threats. Little kids his own age would follow him home telling him how they had screw drivers and knives in their bags, and they were going to kill him.
I was screamed at for even thinking what they were accusing my husband of, could have had a chance of happening. But all I kept hearing in my head was .... he had the opportunity. I was going to leave him, then I got pregnant with Noah... and suddenly .... I was a shell. I was being told my baby was going to die. My husband (now ex) was a horrible person. I believed him, that he was innocent. I defended him. I believed him. I was carrying a baby I fought for, that came after one live child, and five miscarriages. I was pregnant - finally - after five years of infertility ... and I was being told my baby was going to die.
I think part of my soul cracked. I'm not sure if you can understand that, but it was like... my whole sense of self was gone and I was a shell making movements despite feeling numb and depressed. I spent a year hiding in my basement (basically). I spent two years with him, going through the motions, and then I had enough ...
I came out of my shell and didn't feel so disconnected with my life after I left my ex. I stopped looking over my shoulder, I didn't feel like people were going to beat down my door and I didn't feel like my kids should pay for their father's sins. And that's what was happening, and what would continue to happen if I stayed in my hometown.
I felt like I had to leave, that I had to get them the fuck out of Dodge. Especially after my ex raped me, and got put in prison and additional charges were brought up against him.
Then I met Dennis, and my ex-MIL helped convince my ex to not fight me on staying with in the state and letting us move here, to WA, where we are now. I had to get the kids out of that state. I felt that was the best thing to do.
Nathan and Kaedyn came along before we made the move. Dennis and I were married prior to Nathan being born. And let me tell you, moving out here was the best thing for us. But Nathan was 3 and Kaedyn was 18 months old when we took the 3 day drive from WI to WA and it was the best thing we ever did.
My ex left the boys lives, other than guest appearances here and there, since they were 10 and 4. He was arrested just a few days after our son's 4th birthday, the divorce was finalized just 3 months later.
He got 3 1/2 years for the rape of me, and the probation violation...
Then he got an additional 8 years for the additional charges.
He got out this past summer ... June 2017. When I learned the release was definitely going to happen - around January - I started to panic. It was like all the feelings of being with him came flooding back. I was worried. He didn't follow the rules of his probation prior to heading back to jail/prison. He crossed state lines all the time. He did crazy shit... jumped out of a moving car once. He would take the boat out all the time on the Chippewa River and would call me up and threaten to kill himself. He drove into oncoming traffic once with me and Noah in the car when Noah was little... and he said he was going to kill us all. When we were seperated, he disconnected my phone line from my house so I couldn't "call the cops" on him... and then there was the rape. He continued to have obsessive and stalking issues, and I didn't see this until I witnessed it happen to someone else. Like I said earlier, I just thought he really liked me. I was a stupid 18 year old girl though and never thought I'd end up getting married, and here I was - the first one of my friends to be proposed to and I thought how cool it was. I was also the first one of my close friends that had gotten pregnant too. I was swept up in the romance of it. But I certainly wasn't going to give up on my marriage. I tried to stay happy, I tried be a good wife, a great mom.... I believed in marriage, I didn't want to be divorced. I was a teen mom I didn't want to be a divorce statistic.
It was a perfect storm that kept me staying with him.
But I left, I found someone who not only loves me, but respects me, enjoys being in my company, and he doesn't talk down to me or belittle me or gaslight me. He treats Calahan and Noah like they are his blood, and that is all I can ask of a man. I am blessed. I am thankful.
But I panicked. His release sent me into a massive tailspin. It brought back so many fears and feelings and I found myself looking over my shoulder again, feeling like I needed to hide from the world.
That PTSD doesn't ever go away. Not ever.
It's hard to love someone (like Charity) or having loved someone (like me) and trying to balance boundaries, fear, confusion, and caring.
I don't like my ex. I certainly don't LOVE my ex, oh hell no. That train left the station back in 2005. But on some level, he is the father of my kids, and I do have some level of caring for his well being, because ... he is my kids biological father.
Cal balances on a thin line of hating him and loving him and he and Shila agree that he is never to even have a picture of his grandkids. They want no part of that. I have to respect their wishes on that. It'll be up to them to change that.
I have always been one to put my kids first, before practically everything. That's how it should be. My standard line has been .... "Your Dad loves you, he did a very bad thing, you are allowed to feel whatever feelings you feel about that, no one is going to be allowed to make you feel bad for that... I will always answer any questions you have honestly, but your Dad isn't his crime."
Do I believe that? To an extent. What I do know is that my children shouldn't be punished for their bio-factor's sins. I am not guilty for his sins for that matter either. Do I have guilt, yes I do ... but not because I knew, or not because I had something to do with it .. but because I feel like I missed something, if I could have changed one thing, maybe I could have saved them. But I can't change the past either.
I have lost friends, family, acquaintances... I have been accused of horrible things that I don't deserve or need to deal with. You should be able to brush off things that people say about you as ... who the fuck cares what you thinks... but when enough people are beating you down, it hurts. I actually had one woman decide she hated me so much for what my ex did ... that she convinced one woman who had been a really good friend of mine ... she actively seeks people out ... and bad mouths me, tells people to call CPS on me, and all of that. It's crazy. But I've been dealing with it for about 15 years now. It's rough.
I did not do the crime, but yet I'm being punished for it ...
People do it all over. Blame the parents, blame the wife, blame the victim... no one should be blamed but the person who did it. No one controls anyone but the person making the choices. Yes there are some exceptions, but over all .... no one has someone to blame but the person with the actions...
Here is another article about the case. I ... personally .... think that Charity is doing a wonderful thing with the circumstances and I think she's brave for telling her story with her kids. Her experiences.
