Pee is SO exciting (Nathan is sick) *Update*

I never thought I would get so excited about PEE but dang! I am! Or at least I was last night. You know how they say that you need to worry and take your child in if they haven't had a wet diaper for 6 hours or more?

Yeah - well... welcome to my yesterday!

WARNING: Baby Poops & Pee and other such nastyness is discussed with in this blog! If you would rather not read some TMI with in this post, please just keep my son Nathan in your prayers if you decide to go past this post - he may very well be hospitalized today.

Since Nathan has been SO SICK - for pretty much the last MONTH ... first with the mysterious 104 temps and upset tummy (last time this happened they thought he had Swine Flu and turned out to just be a virus) ... and then after a few good days, Kaedyn got sick with the rotavirus and 3 days later Nathan started ... well at the time Kaedyn got the poops - I thought it was because of his teething (it looked like he was getting 2 more teeth up top that were ready to push through at any moment.) ... so being through teething poops before, I thought that was why. Well, once Nathan got them - I started thinking it might be a virus going through the house? Well 3 days later with Nathan running a 102 temp for more then 24 hours, Kaedyn's behind was redder then a Valentine and so sore and raw (and sometimes bleeding) that he would scream the moment he started seeing the changing table or the tub of wipes. He had been developing this rash through the week he had the poops and I had tried everything from diaper rash cream (3 different kinds) to Utter Balm, to Yeast infection stuff ... nothing helped, it just kept getting worse. So to the DRs we did go. Into Urgent Care. So the DR listens to me - checks their butts (cuz Nathan is getting a rash at this point too) and examines them. He declares that they have the "Rotavirus" ... he gives me an Rx for "Butt Spackle" no kidding, that's the "official name" ... SEE...
Which started to heal both their butts up in a few days and YAY!! Kaedyn started to not have the poops with EVERY diaper, but I was worried about Nathan because HE has no reserves like Kaedyn does. I mean, let's admit - Kaedyn is a fat little chubby monkey who losing a little weight wouldn't do him any harm, however, Nathan literally has NOTHING he can lose. The initial 102 temp he had for a couple days went away and I thought - YAY - he's getting through it too. Along with the poops and the fever Nathan was also occasionally vomiting. Not all the time, and not to the point where he wasn't keeping anything down, but more then normal. So the fever went away, and the butt rash went away, but the poops and the occasional vomiting hung on for him through the weekend, and beginning of the week. Well, Tuesday he started getting stuffed up (nose) too... so I attacked his nose with saline and a bulb syringe and put some vicks vapo rub type stuff on him... and the fever came back and he threw up a TON Tuesday night, so I said fine, we are going in tomorrow. I had been putting it off because he would seem to get better and then poof - worse again. Still poops with every diaper, and now I was seeing a decrease in appetite again and his drinking so I'm getting worried about dehydration. His tears seem a little more delayed when he cries and various other stuff. So yesterday morning at 8am I called the clinic where his PED is... got this reply "he's out of town for the rest of the week" ... well hot damn - seriously? I said "I feel he needs to see SOMEONE can he see anyone?" and normally I don't do this... the kids PED knows their history and I don't have to walk down everything, in cases like that I just usually run them to urgent care, but we had just been there last week and I felt this needed something more .... so ya know it's got to be serious... So she asked what was going on and I explained to her, stressing the fact that Nathan is labeled "Failure to Thrive" due to his lack of weight gain... and she said she thought we should be seen at the main clinic in their Peds Dept and transferred me there. Once I talked to them, they said their only appointment was with the Nurse Practitioner and wasn't until late morning. I'm like - whatever - I'll take anything at this point. I know that if it's serious enough (like I think it is) then the NP will get one of the DRs in there too. So I packed up the kids got the diaper bag filled with stuff we may need (diapers, wipes, cups, snack bag, etc) ... I packed up the toy bag with cars, trucks, guys, books, etc... and Noah brought his DS. We brought cuddles with us (blanket and stuffy for both Nathan and Kaedyn - something I don't normally do - HOWEVER, I knew there was probably a chance of being told Nathan might have to be hospitalized so I wanted to make sure I had stuff just incase.) Well right before we left, Nathan had a major blow out, poops all the way up his back (literally) and I had to change his PJ's and everything, gave him a wipe bath (otherwise we wouldn't have made it to the appt) and got him all clean.

We got to the clinic and I got Nathan in the double red deluxe get everyone's attention stroller and gave him his blankey and his Beanny (his bear) and then Kaedyn in it (leaving his blanket in the car but taking his Elmo) and making sure we had the "keep the kids attention - I hope" bag...
and the diaper bag, and walked in. We got checked in at the front desk and went up to the Peds Dept (Noah getting to man the elevator all on his own) and didn't even get to check in when a nurse came out and said "is that Nathan?" ... so we went back and talked a little to the nurse, then the NP came in and I told her everything that was going on.... Nathan had already been weighted and he was at 17 1/2 lbs clothed when he had been a little over 18lbs clothed at urgent care last week, so we know he's lost a least a half a lbs. Plus had on heavier clothes yesterday. So she decided she was going to do the run of tests. They ended up catheterizing him to get a urine sample, they took a TON of blood ... they did a chest x-ray ... and the lab department had thrust forth upon me a large gray bag with the few supplies I needed and containers for the stool sample stuff. After all his tests were done, we went back up to the room we had started in and I pulled out the cards and started to play Go Fish with Noah (Nathan was super tired) ..... Nate fell asleep while we were waiting on the lab tests but before he did (before we started playing cards) I got out one of the bags (actually a U-bag) ... to put on his behind (er...squz me?) and got it on as best I could. Figured he was about due. Well he fell asleep and the staff kept popping in and out saying they were still waiting for results. Needless to say that when the DR on call and the NP came back in, they said all the tests that were back looked great, and they weren't sure why this was going on. Asked if the lab had gotten a stool sample, I said no but I put the bag on him - no luck. She said she didn't want to poke him for an IV and fluid since he was sipping on water and they wanted us back in the next day (today) ... if he's not better - there is a good chance they will hospitalize him.

Well we got home and he fell asleep.... Kaedyn took a nap, and Noah went to watch TV while I made some lunch. By the time lunch was done - Noah was outside playing and Kaedyn was awake. Nathan was still asleep.

So Kaedyn and I shared our lunch (and I gave him the fork and bowl to play with... lol... )

Nathan was still asleep...

This is pretty much everything that's happened in the last 24 hours ...

got home at almost 2pm - between the clinic and the car ride home, and sitting in the comfy chair while I got his brother, he drank almost a whole cuppie of water - I get him a fresh cup.
gave him 2 ritz crackers - one ended up hanging out behind him, one to the side of him...
he fell asleep (which I figured - he just seems super tired)

3:15 - Noah comes in from outside and it wakes him up - he sits up for a little bit, I re-offer him the crackers and remind him where his cuppie is. He ate some of the crackers, but towards the end of them he spit them out (not sure why)

I moved him from the chair to the couch because his baby brother was bugging him, put his beanny (bear), his blanket by him, and his cuppie. After doing a few things, I went back and asked him if I could check his butt, he just starred off and I realized he was falling back to sleep so I let him be. Sure enough, but 3:45 he was asleep again.

5:20 pm - woke up, whining for a few moments - changed positions on the couch (more like he was going to get off the couch) .. but feel back to sleep

5:27 pm - woke up again whining - got up to console him, checked his bag on his bottom, nothing in there yet it seems - doesn't seem he's wet his diaper either .. I haven't changed his diaper since before going when I changed him at 10:20 because he had poo'd all the way up his back. Took him to the nursery to throughly check the diaper, sure enough - nothing :(

5:30 he goes back over to the chair, Mommy turns on Blues Clues to make him happy, gets him a fresch cup of water

5:45 - got up and checked on him, he's asleep again.

6:20 - wakes up, Mom checks him - still nothing. Tries to get him to drink some water, he won't. Pushes it away repeatedly yelling at me. I get him a cup of chocolate milk instead and he has started sipping on that after first refusing that also. He is still just in the chair not wanting to be touched. Discussing calling the DR on call.. Mom caught him smiling and bopping to Blues Clues...

6:48 - Mom stops at the chair for a drive by kiss, he is still awake, he scrunches up his face and wipes it off, then goes back to just laying there miserable not making a sound. Yeah - this is NOT Nathan. Nathan is usually vocal when something happens he doesn't agree with and he is usually all over the place and RARELY lays in one place for more then 5 minutes if he is awake. However Daddy did get a smile

7pm - HE FINALLY PEE'D!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! And he drank half a cuppie of milk! He wants to be held but when he is, he is trying to escape, so after some fighting trying to get him comfortable, he finally decided he wanted the chair to himself again.

8pm - HE FINALLY POO'd! (I don't qualify that as a "yay" on any level) ... unfortunately only part of it (maybe half) got in the bag, but I squeezed and pushed as much as I could out of it to get ONE SAMPLE out of FOUR! Ugh! And I only have one more bag.

8:15 - he's sitting up now so I asked him if he wanted more Blues Clues and he pointed to the TV ... I'll take that as a yes... drank 1/2 a cuppie of milk

8:30 - he poo'd again but I hadn't placed the 2nd bag (to catch it) on him. It wouldn't have been enough to really *do* anything with anyway. It *may* have managed one more container. I did get the bag back on him when I changed him again

9:15 - he decided that he was hungry and directed me to the meat drawer in our fridge which his hot dogs are usually in (we ran out last night) so I offered some ham and he ate two large thin slices of ham, then I think he got a tummy ache. He had a few more sips of milk.

10:30 pm - he's asleep again (wearing the bag overnight?)

1:25 am - Nathan came in Mommy & Daddy's room and woke up Mommy (right away smelling the reason why) Mommy got up and changed him. The bag she put on had fallen off his bum and so it caught.... (drum roll) ... nothing..... Got his milk cuppie (3/4 of the way full) out of the fridge for him. He seems awake but just wants to lay and be left alone. Mom goes back to bed. (He did drink all the milk)

3:45 am - Nathan needed another change - unable to save anything from it because it all soaks right into the diaper - Mom went back to bed after getting him all comfy.

6am - Nathan came into Mommy's room - he was still dry but his diaper was falling off (he was probably playing with it) So Mommy fixed it, put on some cartoons and went back to bed (Dad got up)

8:30 am - Nathan again needed changing - this time I think he pee'd along with the diarrhea, again it all soaked into the diaper. After changing he managed into the kitchen where he just sort of laid there

8:50 am - Mom gave Nathan his tyroid med, re-offered him the Fruit Loops that Daddy had gotten for him this morning, and got him a cup of milk.

9:30am to 10:30 am - played a little (no where NEAR normal) ... lead mommy to the fridge to get the last piece of ham and ate it, drank his cup of milk... sat on Mom's lap a lot

10:40 got a bad stomach ache, put Mommy's hand on his tummy (so I rubbed) .. he settled down a little but he flipped over to eventually and ended up having a BM ... so I changed him again right away and it was so much that not ALL of it absorbed, so I got as much as I could that hadn't absorbed into the diaper into the rest of the speciman jars (sorry it came from the diaper but those bags did NOT work for him)

11:05 getting really fussy again (or still) and isn't liking that Mommy is trying to get stuff done around the house. He just wants Mommy to sit and cuddle him.
On a good note, Kaedyn was crying a little while ago and Big Brother instinct broke through, he went into the nursery and was trying to climb the crib to see what was going on while Mommy tended to him ... Mom went off to look for a Paci and when she came back in the room, Nathan had crawled under the crib and found one for him. Yay Nate!! You knew just what your bubby wanted!

11:30 Noah came in and wanted a snack so he brought me some poptarts to open, I offered Nathan part of one and he ate most if it (his piece was about 1/4th of a poptart, the top broken off)

12:30 - tried to get Nathan outside for a little while, he had no interest (and he LOVES going outside normally) ... Kaedyn and I went out and took some pictures of our sunflowers leaving the door open a little thinking it might get him out anyway - and no luck. Came back in after 10 minutes or so and found him at the front door looking out the window. So I put Kaedyn down again and went in the bedroom to talk to Daddy and Nathan came in whining, he had stunkied up his diaper again so I got up and changed him, now he's sitting in the comfy chair with his blanket and some milk and watching Dora.

1:30 ... he's had some energy over the last hour and has been playing - yay - and has been fever free for over 24 hours, but the fever came and went earlier in all this too and only returned Tuesday. He wanted some food so I opened the fridge and he picked out pickles, so I gave him a pickle (baby dill pickle) and then he wanted another. After that one gave him some ham.

2pm - Poo'd again - and changed - getting very whiney again :(


(Nathan at about 8:30 this morning)

Grumpy Noah
Noah took this picture of Mommy ...
So yeah.... it's been stressful around here. We are all really worried about Nate, hoping that he doesn't get hospitalized but if that's what it is going to take to get him better, then lets do it!

*Update* We are home - no hospitalization - yay!! She was happy with the fact that he was vomit and fever free for the past 24 hours, and that he was taking it about the same as he was putting out - so she took hospitalization off the table - all his tests so far came back find but his urine culture... apparently that one came back positive for E-Coli ... yep... :: sigh :: ... it wasn't a HUGE amount and would have been common had there been some contamination - however - they cath'd him so there WOULDN'T be any contamination ... so she said it was enough that she wanted to treat him for it. So he is on antibiotics for 10 days ... Daddy is all upset thinking it's his fault but I told him he could have gotten it tons of ways. We just don't know (and it could have been contamination, getting the catheter in him was NOT an easy task considering his hypospadious and not knowing exactly where his urinary tract is - but better safe then sorry) - if there is anything new or that returns, or if he gets worse, I'm suppose to call in ... if his poops get worse I'm suppose to call in. So we'll see I guess what happens but I sure hope he gets better!

Mom .. did you know we are rats?

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I figured it was time for a nice update entry .... for anyone stopping by via ICLW, scroll down an entry or two. The one below this I discussed my IF history and journey to my blessing of 40 toes... and the one below that is a little get to know me a little better... Cheers!

Kaedyn and Nathan in Kaed's crib... lol.. they were being goons and jumping like beans - I took videos - lol - but I haven't loaded them up on youtube yet. Anyway ... they are both STILL sick! Both have Rotavirus.... ugh... I'm struggling with them because they are both so miserable at times. It kills you when everytime they see the changing table or me carrying a tub of wipes that they start crying instantly or crying and trying to hide. That's how bad their bottoms have gotten due to this nasty virus. They have the constant poops, Kaedyn went all day yesterday without any and then today, it picked back up. Nathan has been running a 102 temp off and on, he's been nauseated, vomiting, he's been utterly miserable with a few shining moments of goofy. It's hard to see your kids suffer, period! We've had many days in the last week just hanging out in our PJ's not doing much of anything but laying around rubbing bellies, heads, wiping behinds, trying to sooth tears, manage to get something in them to eat and drink and listening to them cry the moment they mess their diaper cuz it has to sting. Nathan was awful lethargic at times today too and I was ready to run him in, but by the time Daddy got home, he had perked up a little. If he is like this again tomorrow, I'm going to have to call his Ped and get him in. He has ZERO reserves to lose, and he's lost a lot. I'm afraid that he's not even close to being the 18lbs he HAD been prior to this. It's so hard for him to gain an ounce of weight that I'm really afraid this has taken it's toll and he's back down to .... say the 16lb range. He also got a major stuffy nose today so I ended up slapping a Vicks Vapor Patch on his chest, squirting saline drops up his nose, and suctioning him out with a bulb syringe. I was NOT his best friend during all that. But he wanted nothing to do with Daddy tonight, which broke his heart :( Now he's finally asleep. Earlier though he didn't want me holding him, he didn't want to cuddle in my chair and watch Blues Clues, so I got up and sat at the computer and started reading some of the wonderful blogs involved in ICLW just to see what my not paying attention would do, and he ended up coming over and laying on the floor by my feet, and falling asleep. I picked him up and put him in the chair, just so he was more comfortable, but apparently that was a bad idea because I got yelled at for a half hour and then he proceeded to do the same, and fell asleep at my feet again when I gave up trying to console him. I HATE not knowing how to make him feel better.

As I was writing my entry, he woke up and got sick all over the place. Poor kid. He's cuddled on the couch right now with his Beanny (TY Bear in a bunny suit) and his blanket....

Noah turned to me today while we were in the babies room ...

Noah: Mom, did you know you, me and Kaedyn are rats?
Me: What?
Noah: Did you know that we are rats?
Me: Excuse me? I'm thinking ... did he say RATS!?! Is he studying the Chinese Zodiac without my knowing?
Noah: (exasperated sigh) Did you know, MOM (he gives me that beady eyed look that says COME ON) ... that we are rats!?
Me: Rats? I'm still not sure that I'm hearing him right...
Noah: Yes, RATS!
Me: I'm so confused... Why are we rats?
Noah: You, Me and Kaedyn are the rats, and Daddy, Cal and Nathan are the cats, and the cats chase the rats! He said it so matter-of-factly!
Me: Ohhhhh-kay
Noah: getting up proud that he has finally been understood. "Daddy chases you, Nathan chases Kaedyn, and Cal chases me!" he said proudly.
Me: Standing there thinking... he's kinda right isn't he?

Just thought I was share that interesting conversation with Noah today!! (the pictures or of him reading in our living room window yesterday)


If you wonder why we have the blankets on the windows like that, Nathan suffered from migraines and we use to have the windows covered with 2 sheets, but things got better, and then he started to show signs again. So we keep the living room semi-dark most the time now. I threw those up one day in desperation to ease his misery one day, and just haven't taken them down. This way there is still some light in the room but there are still dark corners he can hide.

So yesterday my teenage son left me...... ::sniff:: Okay he didn't LEAVE me but he left for a week long trip with his Grandma J (his biological Dad's Mom) ... she's taking him on her covented trip to South Dakota that she is making a tradition for all the 13 yr old men in her life. She took his dad when he was 13, and she's taking Cal, and has told Noah she'll take him when he turns 13 (he was very upset he couldn't go now) ...

So Cal packed up.... took his pillow, his clothes, a book to read, his DS, a folder and a notebook. His Grandma J is buying him a toss away camera or two to take some pictures with, she's also taken her digital camera... and he has an assignment to do too. Nothing major. Just that he has to journal every day.... just 3 things. What did you do? What did you see? What did you learn? He also took along 15 pages of South Dakota facts to look over (if he so chooses).

Waiting for Grandma...
"Okay Mom," he said "Remember I'll only be gone a week, I've been gone longer before."

"No you haven't," I said... I'm not going to cry, my baby is leaving, I'm not going to cry....

"Yes I have, when I went out to Nana's in Washington"...

Oh... yeah... "yeah you are right" I was forced to admit. "Just be sure you have fun but don't forget to journal too!"

Darby the vicious dog... LOL... (not really)
Calahan and Grandma J (who is taller now?)
"Bye Mom, I love you!" Secretly he's thinking ... let me leave already!!

Noah having some "feel sorry for me, I didn't get to go" Ice CreamDennis was upset he missed Cal before he left. He wanted to wish him a good time and everything else.

Today Daddy brought home some nummy's ... Piggy man immediately accepted said offering of peace and ran off with it to enjoy!
Nathan even managed to eat some.....And now I'm going to end this - because even though it's 12:30 am and I rubbed Nathan's head for over a half hour already and thought I had him calmed down, apparently he's not and his tummy is still upset. So I'm going to go cuddle him now and try to get him back to sleep. Poor baby. Guess we are going to the DR tomorrow after all!!

Infertility .... my journey to my children

Since joining ICLW ... I have stumbled back into the world of infertility and how much it hurts. Reading so many of these blogs (your blogs) has drawn me back into a world I gladly left - and made me realize, you can never truly leave since it will always be a part of you.

Most of the women who signed up for ICLW are Infertility Survivors of some sort. Those who suffered and graduated to 10 toes (or 20 in some cases, maybe more)... those who suffer still, struggling to find the why's in the abyss of sorrow that envelopes them, some who have given up, some who have moved on to other options like adoption, etc.

I can relate to these women on so many levels. I feel like my struggle is minor compared to so many of those I am reading, but it doesn't lesson my experience with IF (infertility) any. My ex husband and I met, we both knew we wanted a family, we got engaged and we started trying. I wanted nothing more in the world then to be a mom. I was ready for it, at the time I thought he was, but he really wasn't. I was 18 when I got pregnant. Old enough to know better, dumb enough not to care. I was naive and thought - you have sex you get pregnant. Nothing wrong could happen. I got pregnant and then was heartbroken when I started to bleed horribly and pass clots and cramping like I had never cramped before, curled up into a ball, crying. I knew then, it was the end. I had lost my baby. But the following month I still had pregnancy symptoms, I went in thinking something had been wrong during the m/c and I would end up having to have a D&C. Then I got the news that floored me. I was still pregnant, it had been twins. I had lost one of my babies, but inside me - another was still thriving. A month before our wedding I started to cramp very badly and it scared me to the point where I called my mom. She brought me some 7-up in the middle of the night and sat with me for awhile until my (at the time) fiance got home. The day before we were married - I had an OB appointment, and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time at 12 weeks. It was a miracle. The following night, after the wedding - I started getting sick and got to enjoy 4 weeks of the worst morning all day sickness you could have. I felt like I couldn't even leave the bathroom let alone the house. Every day all day long and it felt like it would never stop. But then it did. I got to enjoy my bump as it formed and I was in heaven. I was having a baby. I had pregnancy induced hypertension and was border-lined Pre-eclampsic. He was due Christmas Day but not knowing he was a boy, I was threating to cut off his third leg if he was indeed a boy - so I would have been stubborn and stayed in too! However, my water started leaking in the beginning of December and by January 4th they decided that they were going to run another ultrasound to make sure all was okay and found out that all the water had basically leaked out - so they sent me into the hospital ASAP ... they never did give me pitocin because I had started labor right away. Now, long birth story short, at 7:56am January 5th I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

My (now ex) husband and I decided that we wanted to have another baby right away. Since Calahan had been a twin, I wanted another baby close to his age for him to grow up with. However, that wasn't going to be the case. My regular cycles I had before he was born went to irregular and sometimes not showing up at all. I went to DR after DR and had 4 more miscarriages in 5 years time. I never got any answers, I was heart broken, I didn't understand why I couldn't have another child. My family wasn't complete yet and it was driving me crazy. Every time I got pregnant I would turn around and lose it. There had to be something wrong with me. Then I went to an new DR and my tiny dark world of hopelessness and despair, the one that shrunk so small that hope was none existent and I was ready to just give up. I fully was planning on walking in there, telling him to put me on birth control or rip out my rotten uterus cuz I was done. But Dr. B (he's still my OB to this day) and I started to talk and he was asking me about this and that. To my utter shock, by the time I left the clinic I had a 2 prescriptions in my hand, one to jump start my period, the other for clomid, which seemed like a small pin prick of light at the end of my dark lonely tunnel.

I don't think anyone TRULY understands the despair a woman goes through when they feel like they are broken because they can't seem to conceive and/or carry a baby to term on their own.

1st month at 50mg was a bust, 2nd at 100mg I O'd but didn't get pg, but the 3rd cycle at 100mg -well I just when I was ready to call it quits for a lot of reasons, one being my marriage was about to take a downward spiral ... and I was just done. I was at the absolutely end of my rope.. I was scheduled to go in for a routine blood test - I hadn't even bothered taking a test at home, I had one, sitting under my sink, but I just didn't think I was. Swore I wasn't - actually. Then the PA came back with the news, "it came back positive" ... I was floored. I didn't believe it at all so I went home and a few days later, I took that HPT that was under my sink and was in utter shock when it came up with 2 dark lines.... wow... I was really pregnant


A few weeks later I went in for an early ultrasound and we saw this tiny heart beating on this itty bitty alien body that was growing inside of me.

Then things went from exciting to not so exciting. Things weren't right, every ultrasound we had, the dates were off - the estimated due date based on size was getting farther and farther away. He was due on St. Patrick's Day but by our last ultrasound right before he was born, the due date based on his size put his due date in late May/early June. I was encouraged by my OB to get an amnio after the AFP (triple-screen/quad screen) came back positive for both Downs Syndrome AND Spinia Bifida. So much to my dismay, I agreed, despite my intense fear of needles.

A few weeks later we found out the newest miracle was a boy, and he had a very rare genetic disorder called Mosaic Trisomy 16. We were referred to the genetics department and there I was told that the tiny miracle who was growing inside me wouldn't survive the pregnancy, if he did, he wouldn't survive birth - and if by some miracle he DID and didn't die shortly after birth, and we got to take him home - he would be so mentally and physically delayed "it wouldn't be worth it" and was highly suggested to interrupt the pregnancy. It actually took me a moment to realize that they were suggesting that I terminate. I said "that isn't an option." and I countered the DR with what I had found out via my research to which he stood firm on his. I said fine, but I'm not killing my baby just because he's not perfect in YOUR eyes. He's perfect in mine and I'll love him for as long as I am able to. I'll accept whatever time I have with him, if it be a minute or a lifetime.

Pregnancy progressed with complications, I was on bedrest with contractions, I was hypertensive again, and the baby had severe IUGR. But he was alive. I made my OB promise me one thing, that no matter what, he would get the baby out alive - I just wanted to hold him once - alive - if that's all I got. He promised he would do his best. At 33 weeks, I ended up in the hospital because of two new issues. I had gone full blow Pre-eclampsic and the baby was having heart decelerations. (not to mention my contractions). The decision was made and I was sent 2 hours away to a hospital with a level III NICU, and once I got there an ultrasound was done showing that the placenta was deteriorating and he had to come out. I had been given the steriod shots for his lungs already. Noah Alexander came into the world at 3:45pm on February 1st, 2002 ... at 1lb 12oz and 13 3/4 inches. He was born without a sound from ANYONE. I didn't know until after he was whisked away that he had even been born! This still haunts me to this day, it seems silly but it does. If I had lost him, I would have never gotten the one thing I had asked. All I kept thinking during the c-section was I wanted to hear him cry. He was vented and taken to the NICU and it was over 5 hours before I finally got to see him. He was the smallest thing I had ever laid my eyes on. I was so afraid to touch him, he literally had no fat on his tiny body. But he was a fighter. I told him he was a fighter. He was a miracle... my miracle. He came off the vent after about 40 house of being on it and was completely breathing on his own. He had minor issues, but nothing that needed extra medical attention other then his jaundice. He was basically labeled as a "feeder grower" ... and I was shocked. I watched him grow and he came home the day after his due date weighting only 3lbs 10oz. He's 7 now, and he's had a lot of issues he has had to over come but he's tackled a lot of them. He gets sick VERY easy and he almost died the week his brother Nathan was born in 2007. I came close to losing him, my worst fear. I can't tell you how everytime he gets sick, runs a fever over 102, and so on that my head goes to something major is wrong, and rushing him in. I have to live with the constant knowledge that at anytime, something could go wrong with any organ because we don't know how much or what is effected by his MT16.

After Noah was born and I brought him home I realized I hadn't had a cycle since he was in the NICU and went into the clinic - to my utter shock, and at that time horror, I found out I was pregnant again! I had just brought home this preemie baby what was I going to do with another one coming right away! The new baby would surely out grow Noah and by George he wasn't even newborn weight yet! I was rushed in for an early ultrasound, suppose to be about 11 weeks... but the baby had no heartbeat. I was told to give it a week and see what happened. But I knew, I knew the baby had died and then I felt so guilty about the feelings I had had. Sure enough, I lost the baby - it was the hardest miscarriage I had gone through. I was having contractions and basically "gave birth" to my child in the bathroom. I had also found out during the ultrasound that I had a dermoid cyst in my left ovary - now if you don't know what a dermoid cyst is, it is apparently an egg that decides to make a baby all on it's own and says "screw the sperm" ... they are often known to have hair and teeth and what not. Now, DR. B was going to leave it until after the baby was born, but since I had yet another miscarriage, we went ahead and removed it before it could get worse. My little "Wanna-Be-Baby" had hair and lots of it. I don't know about teeth or any of that, but I remember Dr. B asking me if I wanted pictures of it, and I said no.... well he gave me pictures anyway, and I still have them.

After 4 more miscarriages, one being while actively trying for a third with my (now ex) husband, and while I was on Clomid ... I remember I took the HPT on New Years Eve - wow what a way to bring in the year... and I went into the DR on Jan. 2nd and got my beta done... everything looked great, I was definitely pregnant... but I continued to pee on the stick every couple days because something didn't feel right... then I pee'd on my last stick, a digital that I had been saving to take photos of, I wanted to wait a few days until I knew my hCG would be high enough to turn it... so I did... and to my shock it said "not pregnant" ... ah.. what??? NOT PREGNANT??? Are you kidding?? Listen here you stupid test, I already got it confirmed! So do me a favor and don't mess with my head!! I broke open that stupid thing and I looked at the strip - there was only the control line. That's it... I called the DR in a panic and they said to relax and come in for an hCG and so I did... I got a call a few hours later saying that it was zero, and the following day I started spotting. After that miscarriage it was discussed that from that point on because my LP was showing a shortening on all my charts, that we'd go straight to progesterone with any subsequent pregnancy - but soon enough my miscarriage total was up to 10, and I was getting a divorce.... I had dated a great guy for a short time after separating from my ex-husband and ended up getting pregnant with him which ended in an early miscarriage also - bringing up to 11.

When Calahan was 10 and Noah was 4, I met Dennis online. He is my match in every way. He moved to WI from NC and we got engaged. He didn't meet the kids until after we were engaged and certain on where our relationship was going (of course things can always take a turn) ... but we also knew we wanted to have at least one baby together. Despite the issues with Noah, which I was assured was a "fluke of nature" when the egg was splitting.

My issue wasn't so much getting pregnant as it was STAYING pregnant. I had a m/c with Dennis right away too when we were in NC, I didn't have anyway to get the progesterone and by the time we got to WI, I had already lost the pregnancy.

So Dennis and I decided to start TTC (due to my past issues) in September 2006 before the wedding we were planning in October 2007. I didn't think it would happen, I gave it until the end of the year, then we were going to stop, plan our wedding and pick up TTC after the wedding. It was the end of August and my cycle had returned to a completely normal cycle after separating from my ex-husband. So I was confused and completely irritated when my cycle didn't show up when it was suppose to towards the end of August. I was absolutely pissed. My best friend kept hounding me to take a test and take a test and take a test, but I wouldn't because I wasn't pregnant. I had been away on a trip when I ovulated and I couldn't be. So just to please her, I went down to my bathroom and took a test. I looked at it after I washed my hands and nothing.... but by the time I had got to the landing - there was a line there... I mean other then the control line... and I was so shocked I couldn't move. I just stood there starring at the thing thinking "OMG" ..... shock, shock and more shock... followed by a deafening "huh?" So I went and looked at my chart (because I had started charting just after getting back from my trip) and I know I had EWCM the day I left to come home... so apparently..... my ovulation had been delayed, and I had indeed gotten pregnant during the rabbit mating sessions for the few days following my homecoming! LOL....I called the OB Dept right away and went in for an HCG count and to get my prescriptions.


I can't say that the pregnancy went without a hitch. I was miserable through a lot of it. Again the hypertension returned and I was straddling the fence of Pre-eclampsia. I was told to take it easy and was on bedrest from 16 weeks on but not STRICT bedrest. I was told any and every chance I had to be in bed, I should be - as much as possible, basically. We had an amnio at 16 weeks just to be prepared if there was going to be any repeat issues like Noah's .... and everything came back PERFECT, and we also found out it was ANOTHER boy! I cracked up laughing over that fact, but it only meant that we were going to try one more time for a girl because I wanted one - it was always my dream to have a little girl. Dennis has one from a previous relationship, but I wanted one of our own. I gave him a boy, it was time for him to step up and give me a girl - next time that was! LOL... Shortly after that my blood pressure went sky high and I ended up on blood pressure medication to help both me and the baby. I was really sick with Nathan, that's for sure.

At my 20 week ultrasound we found out that things weren't so "peachy." Dennis and I had just eloped because we didn't want any "father's rights" complications due to us not being married and decided to STILL have our dream wedding some day, but regardless... I got a phone call before the new year saying that the baby had a cyst in his brain, it was something they were going to have to monitor closely and even though I was already high risk, the baby was now too.

The Nathan came into the world at 3lbs 4oz on April 19th, 2007. He let out a cry in the OR and I cried because it is what I needed the most, just to hear him cry because Noah wasn't given the chance to... the second he cried, I couldn't help myself, it was the sweetest sound.

He's got the cyst in his brain (Dandy Walker) a cleft palate, he's got hypothyroidism (but yet doesn't gain weight) .. he has been labeled failure to thrive because he doesn't gain, and he has hearing issues because of his cleft palate...

Knowing we wanted one more and being my medical issues during pregnancy, and the fact that I was in my 30's now when things start to get a little bit more complicated and things getting complicated never was an issue for me in the past pregnancies, we figured the sooner the better. In December I knew I got pregnant, and I got a faint line on an HPT - it was going into the weekend and being it was only a faint I wanted to wait a couple more days to make sure and by the time things were said and done, I ended up having another early miscarriage on our 1st Anniversary! (Gee thanks!) After a few months with no luck, followed by the m/c, I went in and talked to Dr. B (my OB) and after some back and forth he offered to let me try a round of clomid, I talked to Dennis about it to see if he wanted to, and he said go for it, we'll give it one round and see how it goes. Well, on January 10th 2008, I found out I was pregnant. After being awoken by the SWAT team breaking into the house next door at 6am, with Dogs and guns and all sorts of men in dark dark SWAT gear... (like any good blogger, I took pictures!!) ... I went and pee'd on the stick, and sure enough - a faint line. This time I didn't "wait" I called right away and got in for an HCG and my pills.

For the first time the pregnancy went relatively well. I felt good other then the annoying morning sickness that I was plagued with - I think that was the worst part of his whole pregnancy. Again I almost immediately had pregnancy induced hypertension and I was on and off bedrest with Kaedyn but for the most part we both did great. He was measuring right on, and I had an amnio with him also, at 16 weeks. At 17 weeks Dennis went in for the big "V" and at 18 weeks, just in time for Nathan's 1st birthday, I found out that the last chance for a girl, was indeed a VERY HEALTHY BABY BOY!... I got off the phone with Dr. B who had called to tell me the results himself ... because I had been in his office pissed off earlier because the results weren't back yet and it normally took 10 days, not 2 weeks... we had been waiting all week for news and had gone in for my regular check up, and they hadn't gotten the results. I was mighty upset. I hate waiting on pins and needles. But he called me at home - said he had lit a fire under their rumps and found out the results they DID have, that so far everything looked great genetically and it was indeed a boy. I started crying. Not because he was a boy, per say ... but more because it was the death of the dream of my ever having a daughter. It took me a few days to get through the grief of that dream. Trust me - I was extremely grateful that genetically the baby was healthy, and I was happy he was a boy even though I didn't *seem* like it. I didn't *really* care about the gender as long as the baby was healthy, but I truly wanted just one daughter. That dream had disappeared. The 20 week ultrasound came and went and I kept asking the DR, "you are sure there is nothing wrong?" LOL... Dr. B is awesome and I cannot say enough about him. If it weren't for him, I do not believe for a second I would have 3 out of the 4 kids I have!

Things kept getting pushed back with setting a date for the c-section I was suppose to have with Kaedyn. Due to the emergency c-section I had with Noah, I didn't have a choice in types of birth from then on, I had to have a repeat c-section with Nathan, and another with Kaedyn. But since he was healthy there was a matter of pushing out his birth until his lungs were mature. So at 37 weeks we did an amnio thinking they would be mature. We sat in the hospital waiting and ready to go... but alas.... they weren't mature, and we were sent home. Going back a week later to lather, rinse and repeat... the whole process over. I cursed the contractions I had been having for most the pregnancy, why - why - why couldn't they start and be real for ONCE. I had never gone to labor completely on my own, and part of me longed for that. Even though there was no way in hell they would let me deliver vag, it would be nice to experience SOMETHING.


On September 9th, 2008, my contractions were different, I had to stop for a lot of them, but I didn't say a word. I just kept on trucking, cleaning this, cleaning that, packing this, did we get that? Is this in our car?? ::sigh:: Okay ... really? Is it time to go yet? I wasn't looking forward to getting poked for my .... um.. let's see... 6th amnio ... but I just wanted to get the baby here already! I was 38 weeks pregnant and so ready! And if they waited much longer, I had a feeling he would be coming on his own. So I got in the car, cried because I was leaving Nathan for the first time, and went to the hospital.... we got there and I had to stop in the middle of the parking lot for a contraction... Dennis was like "contraction?" and I said ... and I quote ... "No I just thought stopping in the middle of the road holding my stomach would be fun." We got in, signed in - she asked if I was having contractions, I looked at Dennis, he looked at me, I said "yes but I'm here for a c-section" .. oh okay, she says (as if dismissing my contractions) ... we get upstairs, the nurse comes in, we tell her, she hooks us up, and she says "wow you are having contractions" I was having them every 2 minutes, I had no clue I was having them that often, apparently I was only feeling the stronger ones every 10 minutes or so, but I could feel my uterus tightening with each of them once I was laying down and paying attention. Dr. B came in and started going through his shpeal about the amnio risks and what we were doing and blah blah ... and he just stops mid-sentence and says "you really are having contractions aren't you?" LOL... so he changes his mind, he says "we're going to check you and if you are dilating, we don't need an amnio" ... so after a few minutes, he checks me, and sure enough, guess what...I am 3 cm dilated!! WHHHAHHHHHOOOOO... it's baby time!!

Trust me when I say that I was sooooo excited that I had gone into labor on my own!! It just tickles me, it really does... for once, not that I could do anything about it, my body actually did something without a poke in the right direction or being forced to stop or whatever.

Everything became a rush, because apparently my labor is progressing quickly considering that I really hadn't been feeling them and was already a 3 ... you know what they say about each baby, labor is suppose to get shorter, even though I didn't labor for the other two, this one probably wouldn't have taken long if given the chance to progress, however, because of the 2 previous c-sections, they weren't going to take the chance... the contractions felt just like every other one I had been having for most the pregnancy, only a little bit different (can't explain it) ... anyway - with in a little while, I was in the OR and getting the spinal ... and laying down, Dennis came in ... everyone was joking around... this was the first baby that DR. B helped me conceive that he got to deliver. Which is why I chose this picture of the freshly born Kaedyn... Dr. B is there - holding him up for me to see. He was a pissed little baby. Started crying before they even had his head fully out of my belly, much less any of the rest of him. Can you imagine what I get to tell him later in life? "Your first cry happened as soon as your head hit the air, the rest of you was still in mommy..." ... then as soon as the rest of him was pulled free from the only home he had known, he promptly peed on everything and every one... Dr. B said "his plumbing works!" LOL... he proceeded to pee on everyone and everything three more times before they finally got wise and diapered his behind! LOL... got some good workin kidneys he does he does!! He was 8lbs 3oz ... fat healthy little baby boy!!

And that was how I got my miracles. With the help of Clomid for Noah and Kaedyn, and the progesterone for Nathan and Kaedyn to keep them where they were suppose to be.

One of the blogs I stopped by had posted this video, and I had seen it before but never watched it. So I watched it, and I bawled! It brought back so many feelings I was already feeling again by going along and reading these womens' journeys and them sharing their struggles, their feelings, emotions I can relate with because once upon a time, I too felt those exact same things... I understand their fears and their hopes ... of not wanting to wish but not being able not to dream of that baby being put into their arms for the first time.

I know I'm lucky, I managed to muddle my way through infertility and come out with a blessing of 40 toes ... and trust me, I may not always sound like it, sometimes kids get the best of your sanity! LOL... but I am greatful, and blessed to have all 4 of my boys. Each one of them have taught me things. Calahan - taught me patients. He's my "test" child ... I got through all my firsts with him (or the common ones anyway) .. he was the first child to give me a medical scare where I was in tears with fear over my child and what his future outcome might be (they thought he had Leukemia when he was 2 1/2 ... bone marrow tests and all - luckily he didn't have it and was later diagnosed with a bleeding disorder, he also has ADHD)... Noah gave me hope and made a 5 year yearn come true, I watched a miracle come to life, struggle, and grow. Noah showed me what witnessing a miracle can do to you, and he continues to. He opened my eyes to the world of "special needs" ... something most people (including myself) have shy'd away from ... but now it surrounds me. It made me realize how those unique children we are given, who are not society's version of "perfect" are such inspirations and blessings to know. Each of them are wise beyond their years and have so much to teach. Nathan has taught me true laughter. He is so goofy, even with all the medical issues he has, Nathan is usually ready to give Mom and Dad a smile and make them laugh when they are down. He is the child who can lift us up and raise our spirits when we are at our lowest. It hurts us to see him suffer the way he does sometimes and we struggle with so much with him, but Nathan doesn't care... it's normal to him and he just wants to laugh and have fun. Much of what applies to Noah fits for Nathan too. Maybe that's why they are the two N's in our family. They have a bond that only they can understand. Then baby Kaedyn taught me how to finally feel complete. My family is complete. Sure part of me still longs for that pink baby but I'm slowly getting past that. Kaedyn is the spitting image of me and he keeps just laughing so much, he is our line backer comedian all mixed into one. I hate to say that Kaedyn taught me love, but he did. I love all my children the same but ... the first 3 months with Kaedyn were hell and I suddenly understood why mother's eat their young, but after several factors were solved ... and those first three months were over, and I hit the I am so amazed by you stage ... he has been the easiest baby in the world. You can't help but feel your soul soar when you look into the eyes of a face that looks identical to yours. It's amazing... they are all amazing and wonderful and I am grateful... for all 40 toes...

So I thought I was do a 25 random things about me.... because I know there are some new people coming by my blog :)

THANKS FOR STOPPING BTW :D

Anyway .... here it goes...

25 Random (or not so) about Annissa...

1: I have lived the same place my whole life - with in a 30 mile radius anyway. Now I'm facing my first move outside of that safety circle! ::: bites nails :::

2: I am homeschooling my kids - I had homeschooled my oldest son for a few months when I got pregnant with Noah, and being told what I was, I ended up putting him back into public school, and I regret it. Now I've pulled him out, and Noah and we're going to give it a go!

3: I have been married twice.... first time ended in divorce after 10 years, and may the second one last forever - we met online... yep - online. Me in WI and him in NC ...

4: I read - a lot! Not as much as I use to but I love to read and am always carrying a book with me. It's a security blanket for me.

5: I have ALMOST every single book written by Nora Roberts (aka J.D. Robb) ... even a few autographed!! I looooooooooooove her books!!

6: I also write - poetry, short stories, novels. I have a few novels that I finished, I am working on the 2nd book to a series and have started a few others - I always said I wouldn't try to get the first book to the series published until the second one was done, well I am half way through it and scared to send the first one in! But I wrote it for me to begin with so even if it stays just my world, I guess that's okay - right?

7: I love taking photos :)

8: My "lucky" number is 13, and it pops up all the time in my life. My full (birth) name has 13 letters. My older two boys both have 13 letters in their first and middle names and that was COMPLETELY unplanned, I didn't realize that I had done that until after Noah was born... Calahan Joseph, Noah Alexander ... and then I had to make it a "thing" and we have Nathan Patrick and Kaedyn Phillip (Russell) ... all of them have 13 letters in their first and (1st) middle names. In addition to that, my husband ALSO has 13 letters in his first and middle name.

9: I love Halloween, it's my favorite holiday. Christmas is my 2nd favorite.

10: I loooooooooooooooooooooove Fall - it's my favorite season!! The beautiful colors and the holidays it leads to, I love the crisp autumn air and can't wait to take my kids to the pumpkin patchs and orchirds! Bon fires are the BEST on fall evenings!

11: I am a reality tv junkie! I seriously need RTA ... Big Brother, Amazing Race, Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef, America's Next Top Model, Survivor, Project Runway... if it's reality, there is a good chance I watch it! Why? I like watching how people react to things - it's good for a writer!

12: I also like a lot of other TV ... CSI, Bones, Ghost Whisperer, Medium, House... my favorite shows have been Gilmore Girls and X-Files... I get really attached to characters and get really mad when things don't go the way I think they should ... it's silly I know!!

13: My husband got me hooked on MMO games ... (I don't even know what "MMO" means!) ... I have played (and currently play) World of Warcraft, I have played Lord of the Rings Online ... that's it so far... I have about 20 different toons on 4 realms in WoW! I slowly level them up. Some I am really attached to. We play when we have time, and we play as a family (Dennis, our oldest son Calahan, and I all play WoW) ...

14: I hate driving! If I could avoid it, I would. I would much rather come along for the ride and read or take pictures, or do the jello head bobble and sleep.

15: My FAVORITE color is purple :) I love purple... especially Lilac or the dusky Lavender. I also love Dusky Rose and Sage and Burgundy...

16: I am a choco-holic :) I looooooooooooove me some chocolate!!

17: I am allergic to Apples ... to the point where my throat and mouth and lips all swell up after one bite. I am allergic to almost all fruits and some veggies. So I have to be very careful on what is in the food I eat - especially if someone else makes it. If I go to a Pot Luck or something, I am constantly asking "what is in this?" .. I'm sure it annoys people.

18: I wanted a lot of children ... a bakers dozen! However ... it didn't happen that way. I do have a bakers dozen of angles though. Every one of them have a name. My latest miscarriage was at almost 12 weeks, but the rest happened between 4.5 and 8 weeks.

19: I have always wanted a daughter ... when Calahan was in the womb - I swore up and down that he was a girl and if anyone suggested he wasn't, they would get the death glare followed by some witty snap of my tongue. Noah, Nathan & Kaedyn we knew via amnio's that they were all boys, and when I found out that Kaedyn was a boy, I cried for days. See, my husband got the big "V" the week before and Kaedyn was our last chance at a girl... so when the DR called and told me that it was a healthy baby boy I had tears of joy and sorrow. I was so thankful he was healthy (see below why) ... but I experienced the death of my daughter dream. I'd never have one. Everyone says "you'll have granddaughters and daughter-in-laws" ... and I realize this, but it isn't the same. I just wanted ONE PINK BABY ... oh well I guess.

20: I have 2 preemies. Noah was born 1lb 12oz 13 3/4 inches and Nathan was born 3lbs 4oz and 15 3/4 inches. We knew ahead of time that both of them had issues (hence the amnios) ... Noah has a rare genetic disorder called Mosaic Trisomy 16. He's had a lot of struggles, and still continues to but you wouldn't know there was anything "wrong" with him just looking at him. Nathan has a cyst in his brain (Dandy Walker), a cleft palate, hypothyriodism, migraines... both of them have hearing issues, weight issues (although Nathan is "Failure to Thrive") and sensory issues. In addition to them, Calahan has ADHD and a bleeding disorder. You can check out my other blog My Unique Flowers for other info on all of them.

21: I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome when I was 16. I was on a trip with my best friend from HS and I got strep but I wasn't going to say anything, had to be a bother... so I suffered in silence .. got home, it was so bad at that point it hurt to breath - went to the DR and it was definitely strep ... after that FINALLY cleared up I wasn't doing better so I ended up getting dragged back in and tested positive for mono ... then the symptoms never went away, I was constantly sleeping, sick to my stomach, constant sore throat, headaches from hell, my joints felt like someone was bashing them in, my muscles ached so bad, every movement hurt. I ended up only going to highschool during the mornings, and going home during the afternoons just to sleep and deal with how I was feeling. They wanted to put me on steroids but I was only 16 and refused. So I just suffered and at the time, they weren't even willing to treat the symptoms. I would have much rather been skipping school with my friends. After a couple years it started to ease up and I got use to the daily pain. I have remissions and relapses ... I'm currently going through a relaps and have been for several months. I'm back on my arthritis medication and muscle relaxer, and ibuprofen.

22: I was just diagnosed with high blood pressure too. Yay! I have had high blood pressure through all my pregnancies, but after Kaedyn was born - it never went away.

23: I broke the three middle toes on my right foot a couple months before I got sick, I was having a water fight with my cousins and they had spilled some water on a hard wood floor and I didn't know it, so I ended up slipping and went to catch myself, landing on the tops of my toes (my toes were curled) and ended up snapping my 3 middle toes.

24: I have a pen and candle collection... I can't seem to EVER have enough of them!

25: I want to have a big wedding with Dennis someday - our DREAM wedding. Every once in awhile I'll get on the "we're doing it on such and such a day" and start planning it - but then it quickly becomes evident that we won't have the money. :: sigh ::

ICLW .... and Catching Up... Fav. Five!

First off....... I joined ICLW! (via visiting one of my reg blogs and seeing some fun stuff on hers! So I went to check it out at The Stirrup Queens... Blog) This is my first month! (Does that make me an ICLW virgin??) ... Anyway, if you don't know what ICLW is, check out they yellow box right there in my side bar... yep that one!! You can sign up through today, and then it's closed until the end of the month - then you can join for next month!!

A little about me, for those stopping by who are new. I couldn't help by notice that a lot of the women who are on the list have either suffered from or are suffering from infertility. It's horrible, infertility. It's the dirty "i" word... I too suffered. Yes, me - the mother of 4 hellions on 10 toes each!

Here is an article I wrote about my infertility journey ... THE FEELINGS OF INFERTILITY

My story is hopefully one of hope, I fought through 5 years of secondary infertility after Calahan was born. He had been a twin, and I had miscarried his twin. Four more miscarriages through the five years, and finally I met a DR who wanted to help ... he put me on clomid and assured me, I would have another baby. I wasn't so sure. But sure enough, 3 months later - I was pregnant. Then we found out that the baby had a rare genetic disorder - was told he wouldn't live through the pregnancy and if he did, he'd die shortly after. I couldn't believe THAT either. How can I finally be blessed with a child only to be told that I wouldn't be able to watch him grow? I countered the DR (genetics) with my own research and he countered back basically saying HE was right. Noah was born 1lb 12oz but he lived :) And now he's 7! I divorced the Dad of my older two boys, met my current husband online (yes ONLINE) and we have added to our clan 2 more feisty boys! Nathan - our 2 yr old - was born with a cyst in his brain, cleft palate, and had ongoing medical issues including Failure to Thrive and Hypothyroidism ... and Kaedyn - 11 months old - is our last baby. I also have a step-daughter but that's another story that I'm just not going to get into right now. She's 5 and lives with her mom (my husband's ex gf) ... I do photography, I write (novels), and I like to pretend that as a Mom I know what I'm doing but it's always just a matter of doing what you can and what you think is the right thing.

So list history - 5 years of secondary infertility - 2 years of infertility after that
3 rounds of clomid - got pregnant on each of them, first round got pregnant on the 3rd cycle of clomid, 2nd round got pregnant on the 1st cycle of clomid but m/c, and 3rd round got pregnant on the 1st cycle of clomid
13 miscarriages (over 12 years of TTC)
been through a divorce
been through dating with children
been through online dating
2nd marriage
blended family (my 2 boys, his daughter, our 2 together)
and a lot of other things...

And with all that said ...... I wanted to let all those bloggers that I follow regularly - that I'm working on catching up!!! My un-announced break lasted longer then I had wanted (er - hoped?) and now I'm trying to get back into the swing of things cuz I missed it all!

Be sure to join up in Blogger Bingo too!! Should be a ton of fun!

And now I'm ending this blog with .... My FRIDAY FAVORITE FIVE of the week!!

If you haven't heard of it, go check it out at Three Boys and a Dog

I think this is my first week doing it - so whoohooo!! Great idea Kelli!

I'm sharing the top 5 things I hear everyday!!

5: Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (that's someone crying, someone is almost always bound to be or about to be crying)

4: "Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom" ... yeah all drawn out like that. This is usually followed up by one telling on another ... "he hit me" "he punched me" "he called me.... " aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... (does my screaming in my head count?? NO?? Dang!!)

3: "What's for dinner?" ... nothing, I'm on strike! Get it yourself!!! Oh wait, I don't usually cook, go ask your Dad!!

2: "Hey honey, can I play rock band?" (looks up at husband who usually is leaning over me somehow ...) "Um... I'm not your warden!" Yeah so it takes cartoons away from those watching it or background noise of MY shows that I'm trying to watch and clear off the DVR but can't actually watch because I'm multitasking and our DVR is down to 5 hours... FIVE HOURS... yeah.... no, make that ONE HOUR! Gahhhh.... "Sure, play rock band, but I'm deleting all your geek shows!" (the cooking ones I like watching with him!) LOL...

and (DRUM ROLL) ....

The NUMBER ONE thing I hear .... laughter... yep that's right, blissful laughter that is so contagious that you can't help but crack a smile or crack up laughing right along with them! Doesn't matter if the funny offender is actually funny, it could be gross or silly ... or even mundane! Doesn't matter... once the un-stop-able giggle roller coaster starts.... you can't jump off!

11 Months of Kaedyn.... Our Monkey

In 20 days ... my baby, my Monkey, is turning ONE YEARS OLD... this year has gone by so fast and he's changed SO MUCH in the year it's amazing!! I have to admit that things were very different between Calahan and Noah... I mean going from a 8lbs baby to a 1lb baby is HUGE... then Nathan came along at 3lbs and then another 8lb baby comes along after 12 years of having a "normal" baby and having two preemies inbetween who took their time growing and learning.... it seems like he's been on the fast track to learn everything. He is such an amazing little boy though, I couldn't have asked for a better baby. I mean sure, the first 3 months were hell, and I suddenly understood by Mother's eat their young, but after we stopped breast feeding and he started to get satisfied (because I wasn't getting the pig enough) and he got over the colic and needing to be in my arms 24/7 ... it started to get amazing... and it has been amazing. I can't even say "I can't wait until he walks and talks.." because I CAN WAIT... he's my last baby and he's growing up so fast, so forgive my super sentimental walk down memory lane....

1 Month Old ...
October 9th thru ....

2 Months Old
Nov 9th til....

3 Months Old
Dec 9th til...

4 Months Old
Jan 9th til...

A couple videos...

5 Months Old
Feb 9th til...

6 months old
March 9 til...

7 Months Old
April 9 til...

Jumping and LAUGHHHHHHHing...

Going Going Going... no where...

Giggle Box

8 Months Old
May 9 til....

And two videos

9 Months Old

June 9 til ...

10 Months Old
July 9 to...

And a video

11 Months Old August 9 to now

He's starting to walk!!!