8 Days of Nathan..... Pregnancy Reality ...

When they called to give us the results of the 20 week ultrasound scan, it was one of those calls that I imagine this happened......

They got the results...  the nurses all looked at each other... whispering amongst themselves.  "She already had one baby with issues, now she's going to have another?"  and another nurse gasped  "Can you imagine!?"  ... another one said "And by two different Dad's no less" ...  "I'm not going to tell her" someone piped in.   And then one of them came up with an idea.  "Let's draw straws! The smallest calls her."  And so straws were cut, and drawn and one of them drew that tiny straw, and she screamed, then sighed, and procrastinated... because we didn't get the call until about 6pm.  By then, all the rest of them had left and she was all alone in the office. 

So I got a phone call that evening, answered it thinking nothing of it... and I hear .... "There are a few things that came up on your 20 week scan," ...  OH? ....  "You have fibroids in your uterus," she told me.  "And that's not it...." she trails off.  "The baby has a two vessel cord and they also noticed that he has a cyst in his brain, but you aren't to worry about it." After a few initial shocked questions she bumbled around not really answering .... she got off the phone as fast as possible.  And I was left.........

........... in a state of shock.

It may not be Noah's Mosaic Trisomy 16 ... but it was something.  There was definitely, something, wrong.....  and now, my already high risk pregnancy became a higher risk, and I was put on "limited bed rest" .... meaning, I was suppose to be in bed as much as I possibly could....

So I started as soon as I could, with research, as I had done with Noah.  They had called it Dandy Walker ... it's where a cyst forms in the cerebellum.... Only this time, I had to stop, I couldn't do it again.  I just couldn't read the doom and gloom.  I was seeing "death" a lot in the research and depending, there was a high chance of not walking, not talking... not....  not not not not...... I couldn't deal with it.  So I stopped.  I couldn't read this and believe in a miracle like what happened with Noah.  I had been told with Noah that there was no way that he would survive, and he did.  I didn't want this stuff clouding my brain... I wasn't going to focus on what could be, but what WOULD be.  Same approach, same faith...  he would be born, alive, and he would thrive.   That was my focus.

 We tried to keep things "normal" ... we went out on dates... 

We went on a "vacation" to the Dells for a conference....  which happened to fall over Valentines Day....

And right before St. Patrick's Day..... little Mr. Destined to be Dennis Jr.  ... it was important to him, and although I didn't want to put my son through the obvious school teasing that would come with a name like Dennis ... especially with the full name of Dennis Phillip Bernard .... it was important to Dennis.  So I was going with it.  But as we sat in the office of one of the my Doctors, Dennis said "Maybe if he's born on St. Patrick's Day, we should name him Patrick?"  and I said "Oooooh-k?" ... and he said it would be neat to honor St. Patrick's Day like that, along with both our Irish heritages.  And I agreed.  So he continued and said "What should his middle name be?"  and I thought about it ... and my Mom had been bugging me since I got pregnant with Calahan to name the baby, if it was a boy, Nathan. 

You see, I was suppose to be a boy .... and my name was suppose to be Nathan Allen.  However, when I came out with girl plumbing ....  a sudden name change had to be made.  And my Mom still wanted her Nathan Allen...  instead, I was named after a girl from a TV show who shortly after my birth, died from a drug overdose...  yeah, that was interesting fact to live with.. LOL...

So I said "Patrick Nathan?"  and then cringed.  Looked at him and said "Nathan Patrick sound better."  He agreed and said ... "But ONLY if he's born on St. Patrick's Day."

So....  I grew, as he did...... and we kept a very good eye on him and I ...  St. Patricks Day rolled in and.... no baby...

But Daddy as still thinking about it ... the name thing... and I yelled at him, told him he HAD to decide because I hated being wishy-washy over the name.  I left it up to him.   Can't pretend I wasn't thrilled when he decided to stick with Nathan Patrick.  Why?  He said that day in the Dr. Office, he felt that the baby was definitely a Nathan.  Definitely a Nathan..... it clicked. 

We made it to 33 weeks, the week Noah had come into the world at 1lb 12oz ...  I wanted some nice pregnancy photos done, just incase...

And we passed 33 weeks... 

But they didn't want to take chances and at one point, when my blood pressure was sky high, they decided to get the steroids on board for his lungs...  I got one shot in Marshfield and had to bring home the other dose for then to give me at my local OB's office.

And we had a baby shower ...

 And time was ticking.........

And he was ............. coming...............

9 Days of Nathan....Pregnancy (part 1)

I got a hold of my DR right away to get on progesterone so I wouldn't miscarry.  They confirmed the pregnancy by blood tests, kept an eye on my hCG numbers for a couple weeks, and everything seemed to be going great.  We had an early ultrasound, to make sure the baby had a heartbeat, for my peace of mind....  and found out we were due on May 13th.

We were so excited, and Dennis was absolutely positive that he was giving me the baby girl that I had always wanted.  At our 12 week ultrasound, everything looked okay except the baby was measuring smaller then what should be and I had a sudden flash back to Noah's pregnancy because it started out the exact same way.  Exactly, and I was scared.   You would figure since the new baby and Noah had two different Dads there would be absolutely no chance of something happening - some rare genetic thing - like with Noah.  Dr. B assured me that in his professional opinion, there was no way, and I needed to stop worrying.

16 weeks came and we had decided that we wanted an amnio just to make sure.  I remember how interested Dennis was.  Drove me nuts. I was scared, but I trusted Dr. B.  I knew he wouldn't do anything or let me do anything to jeopardize the baby because he knew how much I wanted the baby.  After all the secondary infertility, the years of trying and trying and trying I had been through, the countless miscarriages... this was a miracle... I got pregnant on my own, without any help... without even trying really .... so while Dennis watched Dr. B put the needle in... and I looked everywhere but there...   we realized that our worst fears, my worst fears, were coming true. 

The baby was smaller yet, and even though there didn't LOOK to be anything, the baby definitely had IUGR....  but he and I both grew....

And at 18 weeks ........ we found out ....

Something else amazing happened while I was 18 weeks pregnant.... Dennis and I got married...

We had decided that since I was pregnant, and we were going to get married the following year, we might as well make it "official" and tie the knot, that way, if there were any issues with the baby, or with me during delivery, Dennis could make choices and do what needed to be done, because otherwise, he'd have no legal rights.  But we promised ourselves we'd have a real wedding someday.
We got married on December 12th, 2006.   Some friends came to the court house, the boys, and even the baby attended ....

We became a nice little, expanding, family ....

We were in bliss!  We had a little reception, inviting local family and friends...

Other then the baby being on the small side, everything seemed to be great!!  We had out 20 week ultrasound the day after Christmas...

And when they called with the results......... our happy little bubble ran into the point of reality!

10 Days of Nathan ..

I met Dennis, exactly one month after my divorce was finalized  ... on the internet of all places.... this guy comes out of the wood work, winks at me, and I meandered around his profile ...  found some common interests, figured, he's half way across the country, and I can always use more friends.

However, after just a few days of chatting ... we realized that we'd gone past "friendship" and into ... something with a broken slow button.

That summer, I said goodbye to my boys (Calahan & Noah) because they were going to Washington State to stay 2 months with my Mom for the summer.  It was to give me a break after the divorce, give me time off from being "Mom" and to figure out what I wanted out of my life, what I wanted to do to support my kids.

So I was going to go down to visit him and one of my best friend...and my first stop was him... and when I got there, and he saw me, he tipped me back and kissed me .... like, he dipped me and kissed me, a total kiss you see in the movies ........ and I know I'll never forget our first kiss!!  Needless to say....  I ended up taking him back to Wisconsin with, we settled into partnered life, and then I went and spent two weeks with my mom and kids, prepared them, and brought them home and into a new life.

Noah instantly feel in love with Dennis.  We were planning on getting married October 13, 2007 ... over a year away...  we talked about maybe having a baby together - but knew it wouldn't be easy given my history.   However, two weeks after getting back from getting the boys ...  we wanted to actually start TRYING ..... and after being late, and not understanding WHY ... after that BFF who I saw in North Carolina sat there and insisted that I take a test, just to get her monkey arse off my back .... I took one, walking up the stairs... to my absolute shock.....  I looked down .... at one of these...

Humma humma whaaaaaaaaaaa???

DINOSAURS .........

Ooooooooooooh mighty DINOSAURS ......... 

Nathan, my little man, is about to turn FOUR YEARS OLD.......... yep, FOUR!

It amazes me.  Sure he still looks two... but he's amazing :D 

He looooves Toy Story, especially Buzz and Rex!   So I figured he'd want a Toy Story cake.  But also knowing his absolute love for Dinosaurs ...... I asked him one day if he wanted to Toy Story or Dinosaur birthday ...  and I thought he was saying Toy Story.  A little while later I was talking to my mom on the phone and just to make sure, I pulled up a toy story photo and a dino photo and he kept pointing to the Dino. 

So after looking at Buzz cakes...  I yelled "HOLD THE PRESSES!!" on Facebook and announced how very wrong I was. 

So we started looking at Dinosaur Cakes....

This is the one we are thinking about trying out ...  trying to create....

Hummmmmmmm right!?!?!

I was thinking about throwing him a Dinosaur party and inviting his little friends from school but ... I just can't see us being able to afford it right now.  I would love to though.  I got some pretty awesome ideas - but - yeah. 

So now........ I keep thinking about Mr. Nathan... and everything he's been through. 

At least now we finally have a diagnosis ...  solid and sticking and removing some of the other ones, or the questionable ones.... but I have a little mini man, and he's amazing.  Watch for walks down memory lane - coming soon.... 

P.A.I.N......

Pain sucks.......

It seems none stop with me right now.  First my liver issues, then sickness holding the whole family hostage for a few weeks.... then the car accident...  after that, I'm knocked down for a week, can't get out of bed because it hurts so bad to be up... I only get up to use the bathroom - that's pretty much it.  Finally I'm not bedridden anymore, but I hurt like H.E.L.L.   Took a trip into Urgent Care, they come to the same conclusion that I was thinking - kidney stones, I have "flank pain" on my left side.  It's pretty constant - and it's mind blowing at times.  Then my ovaries start killing me, like I have a cyst or something.  And my lungs don't like me so I get back pain when I'm having asthma issues.  Not to mention my bruised ribs and hip from the accident.  And I'm getting this cramping pain in my upper left thigh too now....... it all just sucks.

I have a high pain tolerance..... I can prepare myself, and deal sometimes.... but I have been living with pretty constant pain since I was 16.  I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which is a very close cousin to Fibromyalgia ...  we'll say they are kissing cousins.   It sucks.  Joints, muscles, my bones just HURT ...headaches, constant nausea ... all stuff that has been constant since I was 16.  SO constant I forget I have it because it's *normal* for me.

But when it's severe pain I'm NOT use to, yeah - I don't deal to well with that.  When you just want to curl up in bed and do nothing but cry ..... it sucks.

SO I make an appointment with my DR cuz not only am I having all this new pain but now my blood sugar is completely OUT OF CONTROL!!   My sugar the other day when I saw her was 411... and then it went down between 350 and 390 ... my fasting blood sugar was 300!  FASTING!  I don't like this at all...  I know some of my issues, my excessive tiredness, my new headaches, the vomiting, is probably all related to my diabetes.  Every time I eat now, I just feel sick.  I have excessive hunger but I'm losing weight still (which I'm not complaining) ...

I do not know what is going on with me ... but it's effecting the whole family.   I can't give the babies as much attention, even though I try.  I can't do what I usually do cleaning the house, but I do it when I have a little energy and the pain eases up.  Calahan has been really good about picking up some slack, with grumbling of course, but I appreciate the fact that he does it.   It's hard...

I just don't know what's going on and of course, I don't want to say it but I'm kinda scared.

On top of all this, my hernia has been back for awhile and the area there where it is, is also a major sore spot.

I just don't know what to think.  Is it my hernia?  My diabetes?  Do I have kidney stones?  Is it just my CFS causing havoc because it can?  I just want some relief. 

Book ....

I have been working on my book a lot lately - I find myself at a point where I'm just not sure I like it so I've stopped.  I realize, I have to stop doing this.  Either I have to toss it - or I have to keep going.  But as someone who has been writing now for over 20 years (gag) ..  I really do not find that hitting the back space, or highlighting a passage and hitting delete....... is anywhere as satisfying as .... crumpling up the stupid paper because I don't like my handwriting and tossing it away.  It does save on trees though....... right .....

So tell me, dear readers .........what exactly should happen in your eyes?!!?!?

I know I know...... you have no idea what I am talking about. 

Bahh

Wordless Wednesday......... Potty Chair Hat

We're Potty Training .......

"What else was I suppose to do with it Mom?"

Freecycle Rocks!!!

I have wanted to get a train table for the boys - especially for Christmas, but we didn't have the room at the time.... well, someone posted a train table on freecycle and we got it!!!

Needless to say - the boys LOVE it!

Grey's Anatomy SINGS!!

Did you see last weeks episode????  If not, you can see it here .... Grey's Anatomy Musical Event ... on the ABC website. And I'm going to write about it, so come back and read this AFTER you watch it...

The blurb on the website is this:
“I asked her to marry me and a truck came out of nowhere."

These are the words Dr. Arizona Robbins speaks during this very special Grey’s Anatomy Music Event. Songs punctuate the story as one of Seattle Grace’s own fights for her life as her friends do whatever it takes to save her and her unborn baby.

The driver’s side airbag has been deployed. Arizona looks to be okay after a horrifying car crash. Callie, however, has been launched through the windshield. Only her feet remain inside the car. The rest of her cut and bloodied body rests atop the hood of the car.

And Arizona says that a few times ...  "I asked her to marry me and a truck came out of nowhere" ... I started crying from minute one.  If you don't watch Grey's... why the hell not!?!?   Well, I've spent the last several months watching from season 1.   From when Meredith and Dr. McDreamy met in the bar and had the most awkward one night stand - finding the following day that she's an intern at the hospital he works at... .not to mention, that he's married but going through a divorce....  they have their thing, but then his wife shows up... bringing along Dr. McSteamy who she cheated with, and Dr. McDreamy walking into.... and Dr. McDreamy and Addison try to work things out - which, of course doesn't work.  Eventually Meredith and Dr. McDreamy get back together....  Dr. McSteamy sleeps with the entire hospital, and some drug reps, and various other people.  I watched the rise, and fall, and rise of Georgie Porgie Puddin Pie... and the death that rocked the hospital.  Seriously, 007 had to die that way????  Then there is Izzy and the falling in love with the heart transplant patient that she ends up killing to get him a heart, and then she gets cancer and has sex with Dead Denny ... which don't get me wrong, I loved Dead Denny ...  I loved Denny period.   Course, then there is the merge with Mercy West that sends the Chief spiraling out of control....  There is Meredith dealing with her Alzheimers Mother, which she ends up finding out that her father, who had up and left her and her mother, was not the love of her Mother's life, but rather the Chief was.  Dealing with the Chief caring about her and everytime she turns around yelling at him "You are NOT my Father" but we all know that he is more her Father then her alcoholic Father who blames Meredith for his wife's death because he just brought her in for the hiccups and then she got C-Diff and died (this is what my Noah was in the hospital with in 2007 people... it's scary sheit!) ... Meredith had to deal with her one sister giving birth to a preemie, and then her other sister Lexie coming and interning at Seattle Grays.  We watched as half the hospital staff was picked off by a grieving man who lost his wife there, and blames the hospital and specifically Dr. McDreamy.... as Meredith, who had just found out she was pregnant, miscarries due to the stress and trama of the stand off.  We watched Callie come into the show, fall in love with Georgie - get married in Vegas, and realize that he was in love with Izzy ... they get divorced and Callie and Dr. McSteamy hook up.. a lot .. until she meets Arizona ...  and when Arizona gets a grant and goes to Africa...  Callie is crushed and falls into the arms of her best friend Dr. McSteamy..... who is and always will be in love with Lexie (aka "Little Grey") ... and when Arizona comes back from Africa telling Callie how she is sorry, how she loves her, and she wants a 2nd chance.... Callie drops the bomb that she's pregnant with McSteamy's baby. 

Of course I can't touch on all the story lines...... all of the tangled web we weave of Greys...  but being a Washingtonian now, I knew I had to watch ....  I didn't watch Greys cuz I was a die-hard ER fan and of course they were pitted against each other.... but I've caught episodes here and there...  like the one where there was the Ferry accident and Meredith was pushed off the dock and almost died....

Anyway ...  as most of you know, I am the mom of two preemies, and two kids with health issues, and both things jab my heart frequently ... especially when I see reality TV or even drama tv with either issue.  I break down in tears.....  so I knew Calllie was in huge danger of having that baby .... and I was in instant tears...... when the show started.

The "musical" part of it actually makes sense in a way ...  the show is from Callie's point of view as she stands outside her body and watches everything that is going on.  She does most of the singing, and let me tell you, Sara Ramirez has an AMAZING voice!!  I can't say the same for most of the cast of Greys, but I have to say that Callie and Little Grey stood out, and even Miranda has some talent in those pipes.

So the show ends, Callie has had the baby, a little girl, just before 24 weeks ... the baby, is stable...  Callie, has been in a coma... and Arizona is at the side of the bed telling Callie that the baby hasn't opened her eyes for her or Mark yet, (incase you don't understand, Callie and Arizona are a magnificent couple, and Mark is Callie's best friend and Father of the baby, so they are a family of three parents .. Mommy, Mommy, Daddy & Baby) ...  that she knows that she's waiting for Callie.  And Callie is there, and she starts to sing "The Story" ... which I honestly can say, when ever my boys get married, I want this played for the Mother Son dance....  Here is the scene from the show, and I torture myself with it often, cuz I cry during it every time....


Sara Ramirez also preformed live for EXTRA! TV ....  here is the video from their site.



And here is from an audience member who was at a side view but had really great sound ....


I have to say that I am absolutely in love with the song, Callie is one of my favorite Grey's characters...

But I am SUPER PISSED that I have to wait until the end of April (the 28th) to find out what is going on with the baby!!!  And that there are only 3 episodes left to the season!!  Super PISSED ... ugh...