To All the Daddy's in my Life.....

 I would have arguments with my mother...  "I'm ADOPTED!!" I had figured it all out....   See I remember looking through my baby book and seeing this baby with dark skin and dark hair and dark eyes.......

 I remember thinking...... that's not me.  My skin so so pale I would glow in some photos...

I went from having darkish hair to reddish to blonde ... then have slowly been getting dark again ...  and my eyes are very blue....   that's NOT ME...... so as any four year old would conclude, I WAS ADOPTED!

What 4 year old knows about adoption???   Unless they are or someone they know is.  I didn't.   Just saying....   Course, I could also write my name upside down and backwards so the person sitting across from me could read it.   Cuz I am smartz like that.

Anyway ......... my mom would tell me, no you aren't adopted ...... and I would call her a liar.  Cuz, I was that kind of kid.  I knew it all dammit - even at four.

So....  then I figure, if I don't get a Daddy outta this..... I at least want a baby brother or sister.  So little old me ... I start demanding it.  Cuz, I'm the Princess!!  Don't believe me, this is my Princess garb....

She of course told me it would never ever happen and to get over royal self.  (BTW - I really am related to royalty! JUST SAYIN!!) ...

I guess when I was born my mom looked at my Grandmother and told her if she wanted anymore Grandkids - to look at her seven sons for that.  (Yes, my mom was one of 8 children, she had 7 brothers)....   and you know she was totally thinking ... "She is perfect, why mess with perfection?" ...  no? 

 Anyway - this isn't about me.  This is about FATHER'S DAY!!... which in a way - makes it all about me.... ha ha ha ... okay, I'm kidding.

The first love of my life was my Grandfather.  He was my "Daddy" role model because mine couldn't be...  he was so kind and gentle, so loving and patient.

I remember him teasing my grandmother ... I even remember him teasing her to go do their taxes ... in the bedroom (wink wink) ...   and she'd tell him "No, Larry!" and make some comment on how that's only to have babies and she was well past done ...  or various other silliness. 

We had two special things we did.  He would take me to the library every week and we'd pick out books, and he'd read them to me - until I could read them myself.   And Sunday morning we would curl up in his green rocking chair that squeaked like the devil and we'd read the Sunday comics. 

I always wanted to marry him.  He was my everything as a little girl.  So when he died when I was 11, my heart was broken, and continues to be ...  I will always miss him.

I grew up without my Dad in my life everyday.  My mom raised me with the help of my Grandparents (her parents) ....   My Dad had been married, he had two daughters ...  for whatever reason they separated and got divorced... he had a relationship with my mom ... I happened....  but not before he joined the Navy.   He met someone while he was in the Navy, fell in love and married my Step-Mom just a few days before my first birthday.  So I always know how many years they've married. 

They ended up meeting him when I was five years old.   My mom was tired of the accusations of being adopted and demands of a sibling.  So she said "Fine, we'll meet your Dad, and guess what - you have a baby brother."   My "baby" brother was only two years younger then me... he was three, not exactly a baby - even if I still call Nathan and Kaedyn babies at 5 & 3....  it's funny, the age difference between my brother and I is pretty much the same between Nate & Kaed.... 

A few years later, my Step-Mom graced us with my baby sister too.   I remember her wiggling her butt to Luvs "Baby Pants" commercials ...

So....... let's pause here a moment.   I was my Mother's ONLY CHILD.  I was my Grandparent's YOUNGEST CHILD.  I was my Father's MIDDLE CHILD and I was the OLDEST CHILD of all my cousins I grew up with.  So.... when asked "What child are you, only, oldest, middle or youngest?"  I was always be royally confused...

Now back to our regularly scheduled program. 

I have a lot of memories with my Daddy .... even though we didn't live together he was very involved in my life, and always - just a phone call away.   When I did something bad, my mom would make me call him and tell him - and I never did that again.  He took me and my brother to hunt sharks teeth when I went to visit him in North Carolina.  I found a ton and learned everything I could about sharks (at the time) ... until my mom threw them all out.  I remember the first joke he taught me sitting at the dinner table in North Carolina....

Dad: "Knock knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
Dad: "Madam"
Me: "Madam who?"
Dad: "Madam shoe lace is stuck in the door"

All the while my Step-Mom was yelling at him "RAYMOND DON'T YOU DARE!!"  Apparently he didn't hear her...  lol... 

I remember him giving me one of the most cherished gifts of my childhood.  One Christmas all I wanted was a preemie blue eyed girl Cabbage Patch Kid that had a pacifier.   He managed to find me one, only - had brown eyes instead of blue - but I didn't care.  I still have this Cabbage Patch Kid and everything she came with.  I remember her original name was Eliza Jane and I changed it to Elizabeth because that's what I wanted my name to be..... Annissa, what kind of crazy name was Annissa.  No one can spell it, no one can pronounce it....  meh....  I wanted to be Elizabeth ... or Alison.   Now, I'm glad I have my name... but then, hated it.

Just going to add here..... who knew I would have two blue eyed paci sucking preemie BOYS later in my life...

Noah Alexander - 1lb 12.2oz at birth and 13 3/4 inches

Nathan Patrick - 3lbs 4oz at birth and 15 3/4 inches

My Dad is amazing.  I know he does his best.  I know he couldn't physically be there for me everyday but he was there spiritually and was always a phone call away.  We'd write letters, and that was always good fun.  Lost art of getting a letter in the mail.  He's write me while he was on duty off in where ever he was sent.  I remember the silly stories he would tell me of the time he got kicked out of Saudi Arabia...  He works hard, and always has.  He is a wood carver and a darn good one.  And the funny thing is...  nature won out over nurture in my case.  Even though there is a lot of my mom in me, I and my Father's child for sure.  We're both very gentle souls, I think we both like to avoid conflict...  and when someone takes me to the brink when I lose my cool- my Mom totally comes out of me and I can bitch slap you from ten feet away ...  My Dad, my Mom and I all have the same sense of humor.  We're all smart-asses to a flaw.   Very sarcastic humor.  My Dad is very easy-going and so am I.  When my husband met my Dad, when we went home, he told me.... "You are definitely his daughter" ...  yep, yep I am.

So ... Daddy.... even though you weren't always around, you are always in my heart as I am in yours.  It didn't matter if you were a million miles away, I knew you loved me, and still do.   I love you Daddy, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

What Makes a Dad

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle’s flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so,
He called it … Dad

 [Author Unknown]

Then there is my Husband....  He is just like my Grandfather, and my Father.  A great combination of the two men who were my first true loves.  He's kind, gentle, has our twisted sense of humor.  He is a great father.  He took on my two kids from my first marriage without a second thought and even though one of them had a rare genetic disorder.  It's not easy taking on a "special needs kid" ...  especially when you don't have to.

Dennis became a Daddy in 2004 - before we met - when his baby girl was born.

He was a stay-at-home-Dad to the Princess for 18 months and his ex and him split.  She took their daughter half away across the country and they were doing web-cam chats and phone calls, and as soon as he met me and she realized it became serious..... that all stopped.  One day we hope to have enough money to fight this ...  but, right now - his daughter doesn't even know he exists.  His ex did everything she could to help their daughter forget him ...  and married another man that she herself has called "verbally abusive and controlling" and is allowing him to be the role model for this child.  Every time Dennis tries to call he is called s slue of curse words and hung up on.  Repeatedly.  To the point where he just couldn't do it anymore because of the effect it was having on his mental health.  I could vent for days on this but I won't.

Dennis loves his daughter and it breaks his heart that he's not part of her life, even though he wants to be... I wish circumstances were different right now...

So when he met me in 2006 - the loss was fresh - but it didn't scare him away from taking on a ready made family ...

2006, Dennis, Me, Cal and Noah

  He has always left it up to them what they want to call him "Dennis" ... "Dad" ... whatever.  He has always treated them how he would his own.  He is full time Dad to them.

Then we added to the family ..  on our wedding day I was 18 weeks pregnant...

A few short months later ...... Nathan Patrick joined our family ... and not only was he faced with being a step-dad to a child with medical issues, but also the biological father to one....

Then when Nathan was a few months old - we found out we were adding another addition to our family and along came Kaedyn.   The babies are 16 months apart.  Nathan was 0-3 month size in clothes when Kaedyn was born....  it wouldn't take long at all for them to be in the same size ... until about the time Nathan turned 4, then we had to start separating clothes because Kaedyn was so much bigger and Nathan needed a smaller waist band....

I know he loves his kid - all five of them.  He does his best, even though he feels as if his best isn't good enough.   He is an amazing, loving, caring father who longs to teach his kids how to be a gentleman, a good man, and a good husband and father for the future.  My boys are lucky because they get him as their Daddy - everyday ....   The Princess is lucky because we love her always - she is always a part of our family even though she's not here.  When she is - she will have a lovely scrapbook and lots of gifts to open from over the years.....  because she's never forgotten - not for a moment. 

Happy Father’s Day!

A Dad is a person
who is loving and kind,
And often he knows
what you have on your mind.

He’s someone who listens,
suggests, and defends.
A dad can be one
of your very best friends!

He’s proud of your triumphs,
but when things go wrong,
A dad can be patient
and helpful and strong

In all that you do,
a dad’s love plays a part.
There’s always a place for him
deep in your heart.

And each year that passes,
you’re even more glad,
More grateful and proud
just to call him your dad!

Thank you, Dad…
for listening and caring,
for giving and sharing,
but, especially, for just being you!
Happy Father’s Day!

[Author Unknown]

And a special HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to my Step-Dad who deserves a huge salute in all he's done too.  He loves my kids a lot - even so far as being Robin to Noah's Batman!  No one really wants to be a sidekick, but he will - for them.   We love you Papa ....  I hope you are having a fantastic Father's Day with your family.

Happy Father's Day to all the Daddy's in YOUR life!! 

To you if you are one, to you if you are a Mom playing both roles too..... 

Wordless Wednesday: My Animal Whisperer

Want to join in on Wordless Wednesday???  Go check out Mommy Moment's Blog!!!

Hiding Hearing Aids...

Noah's got 2 hearing aids because he lost one - we ordered a new one - and then he "found" his old one.  Fine... cuz he loses it all the time.  So - this morning - can't find the *new* hearing aid he's been wearing - pull out the old one.   When he gets up ...

"Noah, where is your hearing aid?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do, where is it?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do, go get it!"

"I don't know where it's at."

A little while later - we're playing cards - he says "When can we play a family game?"

I look at him, and said "As soon as you bring me both your hearing aids, we'll play."

"So if I bring them to you - can we play?"

"After school tomorrow," I told him.  

5 minutes later.... he hands me two hearing aids.

"You were hiding them!!"

"No I wasn't."

My Writing .......

I am neglectful......

.......... I am horrible.........

I am awful............

Last I was working ......

OMG .....

MY BOOK IS ON MY LAPTOP ...... my ............. broken.......... laptop......

:::: Cry ::::

:::: SCREAM ::::::

::: gasp ::::

:::: SOB::::

Loss and Grief ...... take 2 ...

It has certainly been a time for loss and grief this week...er...month. 

In the last month - my Dad lost a family member (which would mean it is a family member of mine, that I never really met ....) ....   I lost my Mother-In-Law (just cuz you divorce her son, doesn't mean you divorce her - right ......  this isn't DB's Mom, this is my ex husband's mom and Grandmother to my older two boys.) .....  Several friends had early miscarriages .... one of my long time blogging friends made a hilarious announcement ... only to be followed with the announcement that she lost the baby.  They were all still in shock, I think....  but she's a WONDERFUL mother and I know they would have all totally embraced the baby.   My room-mate had a miscarriage.....  she didn't even realize she was pregnant .... and well, when you've had a miscarriage, you know when you are having another.  One of my best friends, I fully, totally, unequivocally believe she had another miscarriage......  and ... this will be a shock to my mom (I didn't want to tell her until we were sure and she's on vacation) if she reads this, but I suffered my 15th miscarriage.  Well, I didn't *suffer* it yet. 

June 6 - FMU

June 7 - FMU - fainter already

Got two positive tests, and then the blood tests were NOT GOOD ..... so in time it will come. They were two faint positives (along with a butt load of typical pregnancy symptoms for me) ... DB was super excited (nice change from the reaction he had with Kaed.) .... I was totally and royally freaked out and totally anxious. 

Em (our roommate) says ....... "You totally have PTSD from infertility" 

.... I said "I know RIGHT?"

DB begged me to get in ASAP to the DR to get my beta and get on my progesterone pills.  I just didn't want to.  I don't know what it was, but I felt like if I did.......

Anyway - so I went.  I was so anxious...  so afraid they were going to just think I'm nuts.  I'm not suppose to be going through this here.  I didn't dive into my infertility and history with my new DR we've had since moving here because .... I'm on birth control pills and DB got a vasectomy ...  sure it's a vasectomy that never got followed up on ...

Anyway ..... I went back and she took my blood pressure and it was 212/98 ..... HOLY CRAP!!  I've never seen the blood pressure machine explode in whistles before..... yep ... this is all from my anxiety about going in ..... anyway - they did a pee test, which was negative - and I knew it would be ... A: I had just peed an hour before, and B: I was still getting just faints at this point.    So then they run a beta ... and it's like ..... 9:30pm... so they ask if I will take it over to the hospital to get the test ran because they want it back A.S.A.P  ....  so I do ..... and then I go home and wait for a call.  They close at 11pm (I went into Urgent Care cuz I couldn't get in to see my DR until tomorrow - Monday) ....  and I'm waiting and waiting and at 10:50 the phone rings.  She tells me there was a mix-up.  GRRRRRRRREAT!  The hospital in S-dale got mixed up and sent it to B-town and B-town's machine is down.....  so they were sending it BACK to S-dale. ....  SERIOUSLY?   So I wouldn't get the results until the following morning.......

During the appointment my husband had with our DR on Friday ..... she tried to say it was a "false" positive .... you don't get TWO false positives ......  Then she tried to tell me if I had indeed truly been pregnant - "your hCG would still be at least 200 from 4 days ago and ..."  I was like.  Wow...... that right there tells me you know NOTHING about it ......at..... all.......... and if I were to ever "truly" get pregnant ...... she won't be taking care of me. 

I know that my levels can drastically drop - I use tests that test positive on very low amounts of hCG (like 25) .... and I've had doctor confirmed miscarriages where I've tested positive one day and ZERO the next ..... so I know it can drop drastically ...  

So....  we know the miscarriage is inevitable .... Daddy doesn't really want to believe it... my symptoms have decreased, the peeing every hour or more (literally) has slowed down .... 

And the night I got the test done, prior to us finding out the number ....  I saw a little boy in my doorway, he walked infront of my door....  dark hair, soulful eyes ... looked like Kaedyn .... only he was about 7 or 8 ....  and he looked at me, and disappeared.  

So the following day - DB says to me, "I wonder if that was him saying good-bye" ...  and I said "Maybe." ....   maybe.......

So ...... we named him Emrys.   He's #15.... 

Sooooooooo .............

The boys Grandma ........

I had a moment when I thought - seeing the two lines when she died .... I thought - maybe she was coming back to us.   I guess not....   

Jeannie G.

Jeannie G.

Posted: Thursday, June 7, 2012 12:00 am

Jeannie E. G*****, 59, of *****, Chippewa Falls, village of Lake Hallie died Tuesday, June 5, 2012 at the Chippewa Manor in Chippewa Falls.
She was born May 10, 1953 in Rice Lake, the daughter of Isedore and Mabel.

Jeannie graduated from Rice Lake High School in 1971. After high school, Jeannie moved to the Twin Cities and worked for several companies in the computer industries including Honeywell and Sperry Univac. When Cray Research opened a new plant in Rice Lake in 1982 Jeannie was one of the initial employees to start the operation. She transferred to Chippewa Falls when the Rice Lake plant was closed. She continued working in circuit board inspection with Cray then Johnson Matthey, Allied Signal, Honeywell and finally TTM all at the same location and recently was awarded for 30 years of service. It is likely few people have inspected and handled more high tech circuit boards than Jeannie.

Jeannie worked at TTM Technologies for years.

Jeannie had many passions in her life, including the genealogical history of her ancestors, quilting and her dog, Darby.

Jeannie is survived by her significant other, Jim  of Chippewa Falls; one son, Keith; her mother, Mabel and her husband, Ray of Rice Lake; four brothers,; two sisters; two grandchildren, Callahan and Noah both in Washington; nieces and nephews; and other relatives and friends.

She was preceded in death by her father, Isedore.

Funeral services will be held at 10:30 a.m. Saturday, June 9, at the Horan Funeral Home in Chippewa Falls. The Rev. Mark Pierce of Notre Dame Church will be officiating. Burial of cremains will be in St. Joseph's Cemetery in Rice Lake at a later date.

Friends may call from 4 to 7 p.m. Friday, June 8 and until the time of services Saturday at the funeral home.

So her visitation was Friday and services were Saturday - and apparently she was cremated ....  I had asked them to take as many pictures as possible - and I was told that the person I asked to - didn't - but the funeral home did and had some stuff to send us?  So I guess we'll see.   I just need the kids to have some sort of closure. 

Here are a few photos of her and the boys......

Grandma and Noah on his first birthday ~ 2003

My Ex, Great-Grandma, Grandma and Calahan when he was a baby - 1997 - 4 Generations

Grandma and Calahan when he was about 3 or 4

 These are the flowers that were sent from our family (My mom, and us)

It's been a rough weekend for Calahan but we've been keeping him busy, and Noah still doesn't grasp it 100% ......  

Loss and Grief ....

How can you help your child deal with their grief?  Do you push them through it - making them try to keep things as normal as possible, or do you allow them a day to just chill and grieve?  

Today - this morning - around Noon (CST) ... (10 am our time) .... my older two kids Grandmother died.  It's hard ... on all of us.  Even Dennis and I.   She was my Mother-in-Law for ten years....she was my kids Grandmother for 16+ ...  

I was meandering around the internet looking for something that might help visualize our loss...  an angel picture, something.......  and I happened across a blog that talks about dealing with a death when someone was in hospice.  

Now, I suppose you could say she was in hospice.  She was in a nursing home and wasn't going to leave because of the seriousness of her condition.  What was going on?  Well .... this is what I wrote on her 59th birthday on May 10th. 

Last year she had a "mini-stroke" .... and then I guess on Thursday (May 3) - she fell....  her boyfriend found her and she wasn't responding like she should.  He got her to the ER and they started running tests.  They believe (from my understanding) she had a stroke.  Upon more tests, they discovered a large tumor in her brain and sent her to Rochester, MN - Mayo Clinic - who did tests and found out the type of tumor it is, is completely inoperable because it's grows extremely quickly and had already taken over half her brain.  They said they believed (best guess I suppose) the tumor started in December.  They were shocked she was able to work as long as she did with it.

There had been bleeding in her brain ...  I assume from the stroke, but I didn't press ...  the bleeding had stopped.  They said - best guess, if it didn't start back up, she'd have 6 weeks - tops.  If it started again, it would be a matter of days. 

With this type of tumor, she is in no pain ...  she's not suffering.   She'll sleep more and more and one time, she just won't wake back up. 

She was aware and able to communicate a little - although she is completely paralyzed on her left side.

 When I asked what exactly it was she had, no one could tell me.  My best guess putting in what I was told to Dr. Google, I came up with .... Glioblastoma Multiforme ... they said half her brain was already involved when they found it - so I suspect it looked something like this...  possibly bigger...

It's so hard....  On Friday, May 25th, the same day as Nathan's Cleft Palate surgery - she decided to take her last steroid pill - the consequence of that would be the swelling in her brain would take over (no longer having the steroid to keep it at bay) and eventually - it would be over.  They said she should be gone by June 1st, but, she hung on until today.  

So there were some things that Chaplin Mike said that touched me:

#1: First, the period of initial bereavement is considered to be about thirteen months long. The first year of living without a loved one involves going through all the annual occasions once celebrated together without that person’s presence—birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other times and seasons that hold special meaning.

#2: Grief is like a serious injury. A person with whom I have a bond is gone. That bond has been severed, leaving a deep and tender wound. It hurts. It is sometimes hard to find relief. I have to do what I can to relieve the pain, clean and dress the wound, protect it, and give it time to heal. I must adjust my life to allow for it, and it’s a damn inconvenience, I’ll tell you. Whether or not the person who died “is in a better place” doesn’t change any of that. Grief is not selfish, but grief is about me.

#3: I often compare grief to losing a limb. If my leg were to be amputated or lost in an accident, my life would be irrevocably altered because of that loss. I simply could not live the way I did before. Furthermore, it would hurt. It would be hard to come to grips with my new reality mentally and emotionally. I might even think that God had treated me unfairly. I would be forced to accept new assignments from life—to heal, to rehab, to learn new habits and ways of getting around, to learn what new kinds of support I will need from those around me. Perhaps I will get an artificial limb and learn to do even more than I could before I lost my leg. Perhaps I will develop the desire to help others who have gone through the same experience. Who knows where this road will lead? All I know at the moment is that I’ve taken a turn somewhere and I’m not in Kansas anymore.

#4: An illustration like that helps me grasp what the grieving process is like. If it’s accurate, I think you can see how much we underestimate the length, breadth, and depth of the grieving experience.

• A loved one dies and the company gives you two or three bereavement days. Then it’s back to business as usual.

• Your friends come to the funeral and call for about a week and then you don’t hear from them. The cards stop coming a few days later.

• Your family has to return to work and all their other activities, their visits become less frequent within a few weeks, and within a couple of months they can’t understand why you haven’t gone through dad’s things yet, and why you refuse to talk about selling the house. What’s the matter? Why can’t you get over it and move on?

• No one, not even your pastor, understands why you don’t want to come to church. They forget that you and your husband sat in the same seat for years and did everything in church together. Being there without him just doesn’t feel right. And if the congregation sings that song you both loved, you’ll have to leave because it hurts so much. The children’s ministry coordinator doesn’t get it when you say you’ll have to stop teaching indefinitely and pressures you to reconsider. There are few who can grasp the feeling that it will do you worse to come to church than to stay home.

I think that's a pretty good representation ...   I know that I am still caught off guard when I think of my Grandfather and that loss.  Of my Grandmother ....  they both helped raise me.   I lost a friend this year too...   today - two of my friends are suffering miscarriages ..... it's not easy.  No loss is easy.  

You need to work through the 5 Stages of Grief ...

1. Denial - "It's not happening to me", "I feel fine"
2. Anger - "How can this be happening to me?" "Who is to blame?"
3. Bargaining - "I'll do anything if only..."
4. Depression - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?", "what's the point?", "I miss my loved one"
5. Acceptance - "I'm going to be okay", "I can't fight it, I might as well prepare for it"

We don't know the details yet ..... but they will come.  We can't make it - I wish there were some way we could be there.  I think it's only right and the kids need closure - but we can't make it - there is no way we can afford it.   All we can do is try to bring closure the best we know how.  I have asked her niece to take photos and to please send us whatever she can to help support the kids in finding closure...  and she said she would.  

This is my favorite poem ....  for loss.... 

DO NOT STAND AT MY GRAVE AND WEEP

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

-- Mary Frye

 The one thing I know I can take comfort in is that she has a TON of grandchildren in Heaven to play with......  that she can have all to herself.   She supported us greatly in moving from Wisconsin to Washington...  she helped me get my ex-husband's permission ....  but she had a hard time with it after we left.   She didn't call or talk to the kids to much, one time she told me it was purely selfish on her part - she just missed them so much and talking to them brought all that to surface.  

She loved them greatly .... 

I'm sure this will continue ..... as we deal....   

 Telling the kids:

Noah - I told shortly after I found out - he was home sick from school today.  Our conversation went like this:

I told him - you know how when people pass away they go to Heaven and become an Angel ....

and he says "yeah" ...

and I said "You remember how Grandma Jeannie has been sick?"

he says "Yeah"

I said "Grandma Jeannie became an Angel today"

he says "You mean she's dead?"

I said "Yes. I means you can't talk to her on the phone anymore, you can talk to her like you talk to me and she'll hear you but she can't answer back, sometimes she'll come to you in your dreams, or you will just feel her by you and think of her....  sometimes she'll talk to your heart"

and he says "Does Cal know yet?"

Cal wasn't home from school yet....  "No and I don't want you to say anything when he gets home until I can tell him."

He's just starring and he's got this silly Noah smirk on his face ...

I said "Does it make you sad?"

he said "No" then went back to playing...  A little while later he says "Okay, it does make me a little sad."   A while after that he says "maybe I am sad" ....

He was playing Mario Smash Brothers with his brothers and he says ...   "is this where Grandma went Mom?"   And here he was in an "area" with a greekish looking building on clouds...

And I said "Yeah, Noah, I bet she's up there playing with all your friends."

Telling Calahan went easier than I thought:

He walked in the door after school and I told him to sit down.

"Why?" he demanded.   He originally said something that had nothing to do with it, and I said it had nothing to do with that and he goes "Oh no."

"What?" I asked.

"Was today the day?"  He asked.

"What day Cal?"

"Did Grandma Jeannie die?"

I nodded.  "About 10am our time she passed away," I told him.

After a few moments of silence, I watched his eyes turn from bright and happy to sad ...  he says "I don't think I have any tears left to cry."