How can you help your child deal with their grief? Do you push them through it - making them try to keep things as normal as possible, or do you allow them a day to just chill and grieve?
Today - this morning - around Noon (CST) ... (10 am our time) .... my older two kids Grandmother died. It's hard ... on all of us. Even Dennis and I. She was my Mother-in-Law for ten years....she was my kids Grandmother for 16+ ...
I was meandering around the internet looking for something that might help visualize our loss... an angel picture, something....... and I happened across a blog that talks about dealing with a death when someone was in hospice.
Now, I suppose you could say she was in hospice. She was in a nursing home and wasn't going to leave because of the seriousness of her condition. What was going on? Well .... this is what I wrote on her 59th birthday on May 10th.
Last year she had a "mini-stroke" .... and then I guess on Thursday (May 3) -
she fell.... her boyfriend found her and she wasn't responding like she
should. He got her to the ER and they started running tests. They
believe (from my understanding) she had a stroke. Upon more tests, they
discovered a large tumor in her brain and sent her to Rochester, MN -
Mayo Clinic - who did tests and found out the type of tumor it is, is
completely inoperable because it's grows extremely quickly and had
already taken over half her brain. They said they believed (best guess I
suppose) the tumor started in December. They were shocked she was able
to work as long as she did with it.
There had been bleeding in her brain ... I assume from the stroke, but I
didn't press ... the bleeding had stopped. They said - best guess, if
it didn't start back up, she'd have 6 weeks - tops. If it started
again, it would be a matter of days.
With this type of tumor, she is in no pain ... she's not suffering.
She'll sleep more and more and one time, she just won't wake back up.
She was aware and able to communicate a little - although she is completely paralyzed on her left side.
When I asked what exactly it was she had, no one could tell me. My best guess putting in what I was told to Dr. Google, I came up with .... Glioblastoma Multiforme ... they said half her brain was already involved when they found it - so I suspect it looked something like this... possibly bigger...
It's so hard.... On Friday, May 25th, the same day as Nathan's Cleft Palate surgery - she decided to take her last steroid pill - the consequence of that would be the swelling in her brain would take over (no longer having the steroid to keep it at bay) and eventually - it would be over. They said she should be gone by June 1st, but, she hung on until today.
So there were some things that Chaplin Mike said that touched me:
#1: First, the period of initial bereavement is considered to be about
thirteen months long. The first year of living without a loved one
involves going through all the annual occasions once celebrated together
without that person’s presence—birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and
other times and seasons that hold special meaning.
#2: Grief is like a serious injury. A person with whom I have a bond is
gone. That bond has been severed, leaving a deep and tender wound. It
hurts. It is sometimes hard to find relief. I have to do what I can to
relieve the pain, clean and dress the wound, protect it, and give it
time to heal. I must adjust my life to allow for it, and it’s a damn
inconvenience, I’ll tell you. Whether or not the person who died “is in a
better place” doesn’t change any of that. Grief is not selfish, but
grief is about me.
#3: I often compare grief to losing a limb. If my leg were to be amputated
or lost in an accident, my life would be irrevocably altered because of
that loss. I simply could not live the way I did before. Furthermore, it
would hurt. It would be hard to come to grips with my new reality
mentally and emotionally. I might even think that God had treated me
unfairly. I would be forced to accept new assignments from life—to heal,
to rehab, to learn new habits and ways of getting around, to learn what
new kinds of support I will need from those around me. Perhaps I will
get an artificial limb and learn to do even more than I could before I
lost my leg. Perhaps I will develop the desire to help others who have
gone through the same experience. Who knows where this road will lead?
All I know at the moment is that I’ve taken a turn somewhere and I’m not
in Kansas anymore.
#4: An illustration like that helps me grasp what the grieving process is
like. If it’s accurate, I think you can see how much we underestimate
the length, breadth, and depth of the grieving experience.
- A loved one dies and the company gives you two or three bereavement days. Then it’s back to business as usual.
- Your friends come to the funeral and call for about a week and then
you don’t hear from them. The cards stop coming a few days later.
- Your family has to return to work and all their other activities,
their visits become less frequent within a few weeks, and within a
couple of months they can’t understand why you haven’t gone through
dad’s things yet, and why you refuse to talk about selling the house.
What’s the matter? Why can’t you get over it and move on?
- No one, not even your pastor, understands why you don’t want to come
to church. They forget that you and your husband sat in the same seat
for years and did everything in church together. Being there without him
just doesn’t feel right. And if the congregation sings that song you
both loved, you’ll have to leave because it hurts so much. The
children’s ministry coordinator doesn’t get it when you say you’ll have
to stop teaching indefinitely and pressures you to reconsider. There are
few who can grasp the feeling that it will do you worse to come to
church than to stay home.
I think that's a pretty good representation ... I know that I am still caught off guard when I think of my Grandfather and that loss. Of my Grandmother .... they both helped raise me. I lost a friend this year too... today - two of my friends are suffering miscarriages ..... it's not easy. No loss is easy.
You need to work through the 5 Stages of Grief ...
- Denial - "It's not happening to me", "I feel fine"
- Anger - "How can this be happening to me?" "Who is to blame?"
- Bargaining - "I'll do anything if only..."
- Depression - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?", "what's the point?", "I miss my loved one"
- Acceptance - "I'm going to be okay", "I can't fight it, I might as well prepare for it"
We don't know the details yet ..... but they will come. We can't make it - I wish there were some way we could be there. I think it's only right and the kids need closure - but we can't make it - there is no way we can afford it. All we can do is try to bring closure the best we know how. I have asked her niece to take photos and to please send us whatever she can to help support the kids in finding closure... and she said she would.
This is my favorite poem .... for loss....
DO NOT STAND AT MY GRAVE AND WEEP
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.
-- Mary Frye
The one thing I know I can take comfort in is that she has a TON of grandchildren in Heaven to play with...... that she can have all to herself. She supported us greatly in moving from Wisconsin to Washington... she helped me get my ex-husband's permission .... but she had a hard time with it after we left. She didn't call or talk to the kids to much, one time she told me it was purely selfish on her part - she just missed them so much and talking to them brought all that to surface.
She loved them greatly ....
I'm sure this will continue ..... as we deal....
Telling the kids:
Noah - I told shortly after I found out - he was home sick from school today. Our conversation went like this:
I told him - you know how when people pass away they go to Heaven and
become an Angel ....
and he says "yeah" ...
and I said "You remember how
Grandma Jeannie has been sick?"
he says "Yeah"
I said "Grandma Jeannie
became an Angel today"
he says "You mean she's dead?"
I said "Yes. I means you can't talk to her on the phone anymore, you
can talk to her like you talk to me and she'll hear you but she can't answer back, sometimes she'll come to you in your dreams, or you will just feel her by you and think of her.... sometimes she'll talk to your heart"
and he says "Does Cal know yet?"
Cal wasn't home from school yet.... "No and I don't want you to say anything when he gets home until I can tell him."
He's just starring and he's got this silly Noah smirk on his face ...
I said "Does it make you sad?"
he said "No" then went back to playing... A little while later he says "Okay, it does make me a little sad." A while after that he says "maybe I am sad" ....
He was playing Mario Smash Brothers with his brothers and he says ... "is this where Grandma went Mom?" And here he was in an "area" with a greekish looking building on clouds...
And I said "Yeah, Noah, I bet she's up there playing with all your friends."
Telling Calahan went easier than I thought:
He walked in the door after school and I told him to sit down.
"Why?" he demanded. He originally said something that had nothing to do with it, and I said it had nothing to do with that and he goes "Oh no."
"What?" I asked.
"Was today the day?" He asked.
"What day Cal?"
"Did Grandma Jeannie die?"
I nodded. "About 10am our time she passed away," I told him.
After a few moments of silence, I watched his eyes turn from bright and happy to sad ... he says "I don't think I have any tears left to cry."
