So with that said...... my little big man turned FOUR on September 9th. Today, was his due date four years ago.
I remember when I found out I was pregnant - and got far enough alone to start up the whole "guessing" game thing.... everyone, including myself, was hoping for a girl. The only one who really guessed it was going to be a boy was Noah. I remember the guess he made .... it was Boy, 9-2-08, 8lbs 3oz and 18 inches. I thought he was so silly for picking 18 inches... LOL.... seems small to me.
Anyway .... on Nathan's 1st birthday we announced what we were having......
Regardless - when our guests arrived and they saw...... I was greeted with a variety of responses.
"No way, you're lying"
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry"
"Are you serious?"
And mixtures of those.
They had no idea that I had literally cried for hours (and I mean hours) the day before when my DR called me. Don't get me wrong, I was ecstatic when I found out he was genetically healthy, even though that doesn't mean everything cuz Nathan was genetically healthy too on the amnio.
I had dreamed since I was little of being a mommy. All I ever wanted to be was a mommy. That's it. Writing, photography, all of that were after thoughts. And in all those dreams, all of them... I had a little girl.
When I was pregnant with Calahan... I swore up and down and left and right and over and under that he was a girl and there was NO WAY IN HELL I was having a boy. I was 19, thought I could control that aspect I guess.... if I wanted it bad enough. I got girl stuff - no boy stuff, and some neutral stuff. I did buy a pair of PJ's that were teal.... just....in... case. When Calahan was born and the doctor yelled "It's a boy!" I thought ....... oh my God! Put it back until it turns into a girl!!! I often threatened to cut off his boy bits if he was a boy ... that could be why he needed an eviction notice and didn't want to come out on his own. He was afraid I'd keep my word. But, in the end, my mom said I didn't hesitate, I just grabbed that baby and didn't let go. We laugh about it now.
With Noah and Nathan ... I had amnio's done and we knew they were boys before 20 weeks.
And at 18 weeks when we got the news that my last baby would be a boy ... I had to grieve the loss of the fact that I'd never have a baby girl. It wasn't that I was upset he was a boy, not in the least. But just the fact that all those dreams I had forever and a day - would never be. There wouldn't be dance classes, or gymnastics, or ballet .... there wouldn't be cheer leading or anything else like that.... no barbies, no baby dolls, no reminiscing of my childhood favorites with my daughter....
Kaedyn's name was picked out by Nathan. We debated, played around, had fun with names - but when it came down too it ..... we gave Nathan the baby book one day (remember he was only a year old) .... and told him to pick out a name.... he opened it up and pointed to Caden .... of course, I had to spell it differently.
On September 2nd I went to the hospital ... Dr. B wanted to do an amnio to see if we could deliver baby because I was on bedrest and MISERABLE ... so we went in hoping that his lungs would be mature. But alas, they were still a little green and we were sent home.
I had been growing sunflowers all summer and they were HUGE. This was taken September 8 ... the sunflowers weren't the only thing huge!
So on September 9th, I went in again - for another amnio. I had been having contractions since May and I was still on bedrest but damn if I didn't say screw it. I was up that day cleaning, trying to make sure everything was in order, contracting the whole day. To the point where both Dennis and my mom had noticed and commented on it and of course I denied denied denied .... even though it was very clear I was having contractions. And I knew they were *different* ....
But you have to realize, I was on kid #4 and had never gone into labor ....... sure I went through labor with Calahan but I was in the hospital when the contractions started, I wasn't on my own. And the contractions I was having was mostly minor.
All day I'm thinking .... something is different ....
But we weren't suppose to be to the hospital until 2 ... and so I just kept cleaning and fretting and worrying about everything.
When it came time to leave ...
When we got to the hospital, we parked and Dennis was walking ahead of me going in. He was at the front doors to the hospital and I was still lagging behind in the street - and in the middle of that street infront of the front doors of the hospital..... I stopped dead in my tracks and had a doozey of a contraction. I literally couldn't move while having it.
Dennis stopped, turned around, saw me holding my belly - stopped in the middle of the road... and ...
said the words he will NEVER live down....
"Are you having a contraction."
And I kid you not ....... my response was to him: "No, I just felt like stopping here hoping I'd get hit by a car."
Yep....
So we get into registration ... "We're here for L&D" ... and the lady goes "are you having contractions?" Dennis and I looked at each other and he goes, "yes she is but she won't admit it." Ha... he was right though.
So we get upstairs (after they INSISTED on putting me in a wheel chair) ... and they hook me up to the monitor .... and no kidding, I'm having contractions every 2 minutes.
EVERY TWO MINUTES ....
I don't know how long that had been going on - I'm pretty sure they weren't that close together until we got to the hospital.
But when Dr. B came in, I said "I'm having contractions every 2 minutes Dr. B - you may not have a choice but to take him out today." He laughed at me and started his speech about the amnio and risks and he stops dead in his tracks as he's watching the monitor. He says ... "you really are having contractions every two minutes."
Did he think I was lying about it???
So he says "Change of plans, lets get you checked, see if you've dilated, and if you have, we'll have to do the c-section immediately" ....
So he checks me.... and sure enough .... I was dilated to 3 .....
So proud of myself!! I actually went into labor!!
We're having a baby!!!!!
Quickly we got whisked away into the O.R. ...
At 3:55 pm that afternoon.... Kaedyn Phillip Russel was born.... on 9-9-08 ... he weighted 8lbs 3oz and was 18 1/4 inches... (they originally put 19 on his card but later found out it was really 18 1/4) ... and he was all boy.
After we brought him home.... I entered postpartum depression. PPD is a funny thing. You are asked "do you have it" at every appointment ... and the answer is no. I don't have it. Most the time, if you have it or not. I didn't even realize I had it until after I snapped out of it.
You have to realize, I came home to an experience. I had two older kids... Calahan was 12, Noah was 6, Nathan was one but the size of a 3-6 month old baby. I may not have hit the "mark" for Irish twins - but they are Irish Twins. Kaedyn quickly caught up to size with Nathan and then surpassed it. It was like having twins. I get asked ALL THE TIME if they are twins. My answer?
No, they are 16 months apart ...
To which I'm usually questioned more. Only once did I ever say "Yes, they are" ... and that was out of sheer desperation. I had been asked 10 times already that day if they were twins and I just couldn't explain it yet.... again..
They were both in diapers, both drinking bottles, they were in the same size clothes, same size diaper, same size whatever ...
Kaedyn wouldn't let me put him down, he was nursing ALL THE TIME... Nathan was wanting attention - I constantly had a baby on me... the other two needed attention ... I was overwhelmed ... I was so overwhelmed. But I was super mom .... I could do it all. Only - on particularly bad night I thought ... "I understand why animals eat their young."
So ... it was hard. He didn't sleep in his crib for 6 months. He only slept with me, on me, or occasionally in the swing..... I would lay him down in the crib or bassinet and he would instantly wake up. Instantly ....
It was hard. But so worth it....
Kaedyn's 1st Birthday ....
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