Happy Birthday Calahan!

Today my son ... my first born.... turned 21.  TWENTY-ONE.   I was 19 when I had him.  I have always been an old soul.  I was so ready to be a mom, my ex-husband SAID he was ready to be a dad, but he wasn't.   We had gotten pregnant after we were engaged, but I was 12 weeks pregnant when we were married.  We hadn't told his family yet, but apparently my Aunt was going around talking about it at the wedding, and his family over-heard.

I don't have a lot of pictures of me pregnant with Calahan.  I recently re-discovered his little "pregnancy" book and found more pictures.  I haven't scanned them yet, but I did take some pictures.

That last photo was take the same day as the one I have scanned.  I remember I had gone in because my water was leaking, but every time I went in, they'd tell me the test said it wasn't.  But I knew it was.  ss

He has been a wild ride, this one.  He had the worst temper as a toddler. But he had grown up into the most compassionate guy.  He has such a big protective heart.  If anything, he will fight for what he believes is right. We have gotten into - in your face - type arguments, and we've gotten past them.

It's hard to believe he's 21 ....

We got him a Snickers cake, but.... it wasn't very good :/

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!  <3

Just Some Thoughts ...

This happened today ....

And I'm hoping to finish this.  Been reading it since November 16th - when I finished Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.  Really I've been reading it the last week or so.  Almost done.

Back to School Day

Today .... thank the LORD ....... is back to school day.

I love my kids.  I do.  I love them, I would take a bullet for them, I would step in front of a train for them ... if needed.  But today I could have kissed every single school personnel there was.  That would have been awkward and like Kaedyn told me after school today, "Kissing is not allowed in school" ....

.... got it kiddo.  Got it.

I'll be sure to smack big all kisses all over him on Thursday when I drop him off at school.  Ha!

Today, I said goodbye and kicked them out the door, into the van, dropped the big boys off at school (DB & Cal) and took the little ones to school with only seconds to spare.

I asked to get a school pass so I could go talk to Nathan's Inclusion Room Teacher, because Nathan came to school with his much missed alternative communication device. I wanted to show her he had it, and give her a mini crash course on how to use it.

However, at the front desk, I got a little bit of an attitude.  "Is she expecting you?"  I look up, it's not one of the normal ladies, I suspect it is the new Principal.... (yep it is) ... she's telling me "next time come early to talk to her."  I am so sorry I had to get everyone out the door, drop people off and then rush here and my morning wasn't wrapped up in a bow neat and tidy.  ::: sigh :::

So she handed me the "hallpass" and I walked Nathan there, Kaedyn is having a hard time with separation, kept hugging me and wanting kisses (but they are inappropriate!) and more hugs... yeah.  Finally got him to go to class.  Took Nathan into his Inclusion Room and started talking to his teacher.  Told her about his Talker (Alternative Communication Device) and gave her the crash course.  Then I left.

I went and sat at the college, waiting until Cal and DB were done, read my book.  Cal came and sat with me after his 1st class, his 2nd class was canceled for the day.

And like any normal mom on the first day back from an extra long Christmas vacation... I went home and I had a nice... long ... nap, until the kids got home from school.

Don't judge me.  LOL.  I've been sick, ended up in the ER twice just before New Years, once for a cyst and Pancreatitis.  The next night I fell down the stairs and hurt my foot pretty bad.  It *feels* like I broke my big toe, at the very least I have tore tendons & ligaments.  Been dealing with a lot of pain ... have to ice my foot almost all day (it feels like).  Plus the Pancreatitis isn't fun.  Luckily it's been caught relatively early.

It's not easy avoiding your big toe when you walk!   Oh and they gave me a "boot" to wear when I'm out and about.  I can't... the strap hits my toe in the spot it feels like it's broken ... and every step I take, I want to scream.

So I took the time to rest.  Between all the new pain, and my general normal pain from dealing with the Fibro/CFS everyday, I just am so worn out.

The boys got home and I was *hoping* that they would be tired and rather still little beasts, but no.... ooooooooh no no no ....  no, they are wild with energy and I am very much NOT.

It was a long day.

Our Little Fox ....

So something horrible happened at the end of this last year.  Literally - life altering and devastating.

Those of you who know me (have been following me, know my story, whatever) ... you know that I have had a rough journey to have my four babies. (not counting the adopted one.)  I have had 16 miscarriages, four births, 19 pregnancies - at least one set of twins (which counts as both one miscarriage and one live birth, because I had a miscarriage and found out I was still pregnant, with Cal.)

I went through YEARS of infertility.  I went on fertility drugs to get pregnant with Noah.

Miscarriage  Cal was born. Five years of infertility and 4 miscarriages.  Fertility drugs resulting in Noah.  Followed by five more years of infertility and 5 more miscarriages, one miscarriage was a fertility drug baby.  Divorce.  Miscarriage with ex-boyfriend.  Met DB. Had a miscarriage, got pregnant with Nathan.  Decided to try again for our last baby... miscarriage on our 1 year anniversary and then two weeks later, on fertility drugs, on New Years Eve we got pregnant ... along came Kaedyn.  Three more miscarriages after Kaedyn and DB having a vasectomy while I was pregnant with Kaedyn... so yeah.

One of those babies was almost to the end of the 1st trimester.  It has been a devastating road for me.  And then there was Noah's pregnancy where I was being told through almost the whole pregnancy that he was going to die. I was numb through the whole pregnancy. I didn't buy stuff for the baby, because it was being beat into my head I'd have to bury him.  I'd go into the babies department at the stores and I'd pick out little boy things - and I'd put them back. I didn't want to come home and see a bunch of baby stuff and not have a baby.  Even though on the outside I seemed strong and hopeful, inside I was a quivering mess.  I was scared.  Terrified.  Numb.  The whole pregnancy.  Numb.  

Never once, though, did I actually sit there and think about having to make arrangements for my baby if he died.

2016 was amazing with one thing.  My best friend who met her husband the same time I met DB had FINALLY gotten pregnant with a baby she didn't miscarry right away.  After NINE YEARS she finally had a sticky bean!  We both had good feelings about the pregnancy from the start.  This was the one - this was her Rainbow Baby!!

I was so excited for her.  Over the MOON excited.  They found out he was a boy (which I predicted  from the start!) ... and they decided they were going to do a Fox theme ... and his name was going to be Fox there for awhile, but they changed it to Jackson.  Jackson Hank.  "Jax" for short.

On December 30th ... my best friend was 31 weeks pregnant.  She had just had an ultrasound a couple days before hand, he was "fine" .... she messaged me that day and said something to the effect of .... I haven't felt him move much all day, I'm worried.   We discussed her laying on her side, drinking some juice or SOMETHING cold, wake him up, do a kick count.  For those that don't know, a kick count is when you lay down and count how many times the baby kicks, if the baby kicks less than a certain number of times in a certain period of time, something maybe wrong.  The first time, he didn't move. I told her to go in.  She said she felt silly for going in for something that was probably nothing.  I thought it was because it was better safe than sorry but she had been having some BAD experiences with doctors, a lot of them making her feel like an inch tall and stupid.   She got to the point where she was just hating going in because none of these doctors had any bed side manner.  She tried everything she could get him to move.  She checked for his heartbeat twice, found it both times - in the 150's.  But at about 3 AM on December 31, New Years Eve, she started to freak out and woke up her husband, had him take her in.

What happened next, blindsided everyone.  She messaged me around 5AM and told me, the news wasn't good, he was gone. They were prepping her for a c-section now. 

I remember I sat there - holding my phone - thinking....  she's joking.

I thought - oh she's messaging me in her sleep again - this is a nightmare.  She'll wake up and tell me "ha ha ha - that was a horrible dream - sorry to make you panic."   But I knew that wasn't going to happen.

It wasn't going to happen.   And I lost it.

I started sobbing uncontrollably.  I woke up my husband, told him.  He said "No, no way.  What did they do to deserve that?  They didn't do anything, that was their miracle baby."

I told our other friends, M & D.  I put a message in our group message.

I couldn't focus on anything, I knew she was having him at that moment, I couldn't do anything.  Not one thing. So I posted on facebook.  I wanted to surround them with prayers, positive thoughts, any good vibes I could ask for.  PLEASE just ... something.

I need everyone to stop and please say a prayer, send loving thoughts... just take a moment. I am heartbroken today. I am absolutely heartbroken. My best friend was 31 weeks pregnant with a baby boy named Jackson, a baby loved and adored an desperately wanted. A baby we are all so excited about, because after 9 years of infertility and early miscarriages, here he was - the answer to their prayers. I am sitting here in tears writing this. She just had an ultrasound, everything was fine. But there was no movement today, and she went in to find out that his little tiny heart had stopped. I'm heartbroken and I know that her and her family are utterly beyond devastated. The grief I am feeling is no where near what they are feeling right now. At this very moment - this little boy is being born so that they can say goodbye. She is desperate need of prayers right now. Please. Nothing can make this okay, but her world just ended and I know how she is feeling right now. I need everyone to just stop a moment. I'm at a loss right now on what to do. We were all - already - desperately in love with this little guy. <3 I'm not going to tag her in this, she's an extremely private person, and most of her family doesn't know. You can leave messages here for her, but if you know her, please don't put anything on her page. You can PM me for any other info. Just PLEASE she needs to be surrounded with love and prayers right now. 2016 is the worst year ever. Hug your babies - no matter their age - a lot harder today.

I felt useless.  Stuck. She lives on the other side of the country and I just wanted to be there to hold her.  To help her through this.  To help shoulder some of her grief.

I cried.  I cried.  I cried some more.  I was numb.  I was devastated.  Beyond the loss of Jackson, I was beyond worried about my best friend.  I knew what this baby meant to her, to them.  I knew everything he was - represented - how much he was loved and wanted and .... kept thinking it wasn't real. But it was.  I knew it was.  So worried about my friend.

Finally the message came, the message just dripping with pain.  Telling me he was 4lbs 12oz and he was 17.5 inches.  And she sent me photos.

I lost it.  Looking at him.  Perfection.  He was perfection.  His tiny little face, his perfect looking nose.  OMG he had cheeks for days.  So chubby.  And his hair, his reddish blond hair, he was a ginger?  He's a ginger!  He looks as if the's just asleep.   Perfection in a tiny little boy, fast asleep.

      
(Photo I edited, turing it more into a painting)

I lost it.  Shared the news with those who were asking me.  Asked them to leave J alone right now, and let her come to them.  To respect the fact that they hadn't even said anything about it on Facebook or anything.

Tiny little prefect boy who was born with angel wings...

Again I felt helpless.  I wanted to help - couldn't do anything.  I stayed up all night, waiting for her to message me - just incase she needed me, needed to talk.  I barely slept New Years Eve day...  I played with the few photos she sent me.

I made a cute little announcement for him ....

Colored this little gem ....  and then edited it.

     Her sister sent her photos she took .... and this is our favorite.  I think it's everyone's favorite.

                      
It kills me that I can't take on some of her grief, because it's consuming her - which it should and is to be expected.  But I hate seeing her hurting.  All I can do it be here for her, to listen to her, tell her everything she is feeling, thinking, experiencing, doing is completely normal (which it is.)  All I can do is love her and support her and tell her how prefect Jackson is, and how much he was loved by not only her, and her husband, and Jackson's sisters...  his Aunts, Cousins, Grandparents, Friends - everyone...

He wasn't something special....  he IS someone special.

She has every reason to be mad, to ask why, to feel guilt - even though she has nothing to feel guilty about!  I just want her feeling better.  I can't make it better.

I had to tell my family, Auntie J and Uncle P are heartbroken.  There were tears.  Kaedyn wanted to know everything, he looked at the pictures with me, he cried with me.  I had to explain to him what an umbilical cord is, a placenta, and how Jackson had a knot in his cord and the cord was wrapped around his neck twice.  Kaedyn's cord was wrapped around his neck too.

I wonder if maybe Jackson didn't make it because he had a two vessel cord and one of the vessels got clamped off somehow?  I am angry at that ultrasound tech who acted like her day was the worst and she was beyond busy, just didn't seem to care.  I want to blame her and her rudeness.  I want to throw things at the radiologist who told that ultrasound tech she did a good job, when she didn't.  I want to blame someone too, so they are going to have to shoulder it.  It is not J's fault.  Not P's fault.  It isn't Jackson's fault for being a flippy little flipster and tying knots in his cord. If that Ultrasound Tech could have SEEN the issues, the outcome could have been different.  I am angry too.  I am mostly angry that my best friend had to say goodbye to this miracle.

Jackson will always live on, he won't be forgotten.  He will be honored and something will come from this ....  I'll help her as much as I can.

They went to pick out his urn today, they didn't want to bury him in the ground, but rather have him with them - so they had him cremated.  I started a list of things for her - support groups, ideas to help her in her grief, a link to cremation jewelry (which is amazing.) ... some ideas...

All I can say is that we are all heartbroken.  But I will do my best to support her and be there for her whenever she needs me to be there.

(love you!)

(March 7, 2017 - I am adding this: This is something J messaged me today: )

I also went and read the post about Jackson. I tried to post a comment but it won't go through. I tried on chrome and safari, even clicked to view the web version - still wouldn't post and I have no idea why. So I'm gonna c&p it to here. You can post it as a comment on there if you want to - I just dunno why it won't let me lol. Never had that problem before.

I made it through without crying until I got to the part where you said Kaedyn was crying too. That got me. Lol.

And from then on the floodgates opened

Ok here's the comment I was trying to post

If I could have asked God to send me the perfect best friend, and given him every detail of how she should be - her loyalty and compassion, her wit and sense of humor, her ability to see me through the darkest time of my life without backing away because her own pain was too much, her ability to make me smile when I felt like I never would again - if I could have dreamt all that up and imagined such a person existed, I wouldn't have believed it. You have been a rock, a beacon of light helping guide me through this hellish nightmare. Without your love and support I wouldn't have made it, simple as that. I love you and could never thank you enough or repay you enough to express how much you've meant to me - not just during this nightmare - but since the day I met you online all those years ago. All I can do is promise you that as the years continue to pass, we will experience the greatest joys and the most painful heartaches. But we'll be by each other's side come what may.

Welcome to 2017

Ringing in the new year has been hard for me this year.  I'll explain why in my next blog, but right now...  it was just tough.  

I felt as if I had no right to be happy when my best friend was in so much pain.  It's just hard.  

I *almost* did not do our annual "the kids got drunk and passed out" joke photos.  

I mean - really, I don't drink, we have fake champagne and watch Seattle fireworks on TV.  We laugh, some years we play games or have a family movie night.  We take stupid photos just for fun, cuz usually the kids are asleep at midnight - joys of having kids with medical issues who are on a schedule and can't vary from it much.  We try to make it a great - fun - night, saying goodbye to one year and hello to another.  

This year, we had fake champagne, kissed at midnight, and tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't.  I did get up and do the photos...  

And I was there for my best friend as much as I could be, because she needed me to be there for her whenever she needed me in that moment more than I needed sleep.  I spent the night before (the night of the 30th, morning of the 31st) staying up all night.  I was so tired, but something happened and I couldn't sleep, all I could do was cry. 

Anyway .........  

We're saying goodbye to 2016.  It wasn't a horrible year.  My heart was just a bit crushed over some of the celebs we lost this year. Our year was filled with the most special baby girl.  We didn't have a good year financially but it was a bit better.  My sister, Heather, came for a visit - a surprise visit we kept from my Mom...  for my Mom's wedding.  Her and my step-dad finally made it legal.  (Love!) ... We had to move, again!  Right now, we are staying with my Mom & Step-Dad.  We have to find something we can actually afford, which isn't easy when you live paycheck to paycheck (basically) and a lot of money gets sunk into medical stuff. 

Nathan spent the whole year without ONE SINGLE hospital stay, but he ended it with getting the chicken pox. He's made huge strides in his speech - every year he is just a little easier to understand. His talker got broke in 2015 and we finally got it back and working just before Christmas. 

Kaedyn has shown how amazingly smart he is.  We are so proud!  We are watching him grow up from being our baby to being more of a young man.  It's not fair, it's too soon!  I want the baby back! He is so kind, he thinks about other people a lot, but if he doesn't get his way, lol, watch out! 

Calahan was supposed to get married this year, but instead they broke up. I didn't talk about it because I thought there might have been a chance of them getting back together, but I think that ship has sailed, and there is no rekindling.  He continues to work towards getting his adult life together.  

Noah has made some leaps in his education.  He's still in a bit of a stand still but I see things falling into place for him.  He's smart! He just has to learn how to take the reigns of learning to where he holds onto the information.  Noah had a relatively boring year medically - which is awesome!  He has glaucoma and his first pair of glasses though.  

Kale & Shila are doing great.  They have had their ups and downs, but they have always seemed to come back together stronger.  They are both immature trying to claw their way into being grown-ups. Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back, but they are two completely different people then they were when they first came to live with us.  They have both grown a lot and I'm so proud of who they are becoming!  

Clairah and Elly are both doing well.  Clairah is having a bit of a tough time adjusting to being a two home girl.  Which is utterly and completely normal.  However, it seems that we are doing everything right, and then it's coming back to us that apparently Claire is saying bad things are happening.  We have a feeling that this is coming from more their household, because the things that are being claimed to happen, are absolutely NOT happening.  It's a very rocky slope.  Very rocky.  And then our living situation went up in the air and it feels like all the progress there is gone.  Kale and Shila ended up moving in with his Dad which I think is great!  That relationship needs a lot of mending and it sounds like that is happening now. I really hope so.  Anyway - Clairah is growing amazing and is such a smart little cookie.  Elly is a-MAZE-ing and I miss her like crazy.  I miss them all like crazy, but I have a special little bond with that Elly-belly.  She is (on the 4th) 17 months old.  She's got 7 teeth - and she's a jabberer.  She's super quiet but once she gets comfortable - she's a chatter box.  And boy oh boy, she knows what she wants.  And her silly side is the best.  

DB and I are going very strong.  We have our moments, which is only healthy.  But he is my soulmate.  We lift each other up, when we need to be supportive, and we call each other on our shit.  Ha ha!  We aren't perfect. But we are perfect for each other.  I just wish he could let some of his stress go.  I learned a long long time ago that I cannot let stress rule my life.  With my anxiety, sometimes I can't help but let things that I know are looming bother me, and in those moments I literally just want to crawl under a rock and hide, instead my muscles knot up and I because super nauseated and off balance.  It's not fun.  We're hoping, here (at my Mom's) my anxiety will ease up a lot.  Things are starting to fall into a routine though I think.   Anyway - back to DB and I.  He's had a rough time in school.  His health (Fibro) is not helping, and when he gets stressed out he internalizes it until he lashes out - which isn't healthy.  (Which is what I was saying when I went off on my tangent.)  But he's trying really hard.   I also decided to go back to school, probably not until next fall.  I just hope that my health improves, but at this point - it's not looking like it.  It's to the point now where I think I'm going to have to apply for disability.   I had a silent heart attack and my Fibro/CFS thinks it's ruling my life (which it is) ... and I decided that breaking my toe at the end of the year would be FUN!  Other than that, I finished a book this year - well - sorta-finished.  It needs to be polished.  

Another thing I'm excited about is that my sister (Heather) and I have strengthened our bond we've had all our lives.  Now, let me explain.  I am my Dad's middle child (two older half sisters, a younger half brother and half sister) .... I am my Mom's only child.  So where does Heather fit in?  Clearly one of my half sisters on my Dad's side?  Nope, wrong.  My Mom's best friend for a lot of her life, Donna, had Heather almost exactly a year after I was born.  So we've literally been in each other's lives since birth.  They often joked about how I was supposed to be a boy, and Heather and I were supposed to get married.  Well, clearly that didn't happen.  Heather and I would spend our summers together - a lot of the time.  Anyway - Heather's Dad hasn't ever really been in her life.  Although mine has since I was five, there hasn't been a lot of a relationship.  So both Heather and I have had that - it's our mom's and us against the world type of thing going on.  When Heather's Mom died, my mom literally jumped on plane to get to her.  Mom told Heather she was her's now.  So Heather and I have literally cemented a "Sister" relationship.  So 2016 was wonderful in the that way, because I gained an amazing sister.  She visited in September for our Mom's wedding and we did a ton of fun touristy things.     

I have a lot of hopes for 2017.

#1: Keep the streak going of keeping Nathan non-admitted!

#2: I want DB and I to really make more time for him and I.  A monthly date.  Really need it.

#3: I want read at least 26 books this year.  That's two a month.  I don't get a lot of time to read, and I've been making it more of a point to really get back into reading.

#4: Polish the book that was finished, and figure out what I want to do with it.

#5: Be part of the #365Project of sharing at least one photo a day.  I'm doing it on Facebook and Instagram (and Twitter because Instagram posts to my Twitter.)  I think I'll add it to my Google+ too. (I'll have to catch up there though) ....

#6: I REALLY want to write at least one blog a day. I know I have said this the past couple of years, and I fully intend to, but then life runs away and ... ugh.  I stop.  But blogging is literally my main form of therapy.  I have to purge my feelings.  My blog isn't a "working" blog.  It's not about making money, it's JUST about sharing my life and being able to look back on my blog for the memories.  If you happen to follow along, great!

#7: I have noticed that I have been losing friends.  Which sucks.  Do I know why?  No.  I mean, I thought I would make some friends and then I find out that they have removed me on Facebook and it kinda stinks. I really need more friends.  I do have a lot of close friends.  But I'm a greedy bitch and I want more.  I need more of that "talk daily: type of friendships.  Some of my closest friends, I'm not talking to daily, and I think I'm gonna have to try to change that.  So watch out girls! I'm coming for you (if we don't already talk daily).  But I really do need some closer friends.  I have some intense close friendships.  Long term ones.  Of course DB is up there at the top.  C I have known since - crap, a long time.  JR High?  We're super close, both single mother kids.  I've been there since day one of her relationship with her husband.  She's got all boys too, all my nephews.  <3 them all.  L I have been friends with since... Cal was 3.  We were on the committee together for preschool stuff.  She needed a ride home that night and I was like get in.  We've sometimes had a love/hate relationship, but I love her to death, and I have a nephew and two nieces with her.  SeattleS (there are two with the same name) - our relationship is always amazing.  She's super intellectual and I love our conversations sometimes, well I love them all the time, but she's special.  I met her in highschool when I shoved a short story at her that I wrote and told her to read it.  I just bully myself into peoples lives.  Mi I have been friends with since Cal was 3. Her daughter and Cal were in preschool together and we became fast friends. I remember seeing Mi at the clinic I went to at the time, she had come in with her newborn baby (her daughter) and I was overly pregnant with Cal, I remember looking at her and thinking, I need to be friends with her.  Which is funny because - 3 years later - we were!  She has a rough relationship, and I've been with her through a lot.  Sometimes I think she's a bit crazy, but I do love her for it.  But I do distinctly remember that day at the clinic.  Ummm... let's see.  D, Me & J.  Well, Me is my little Hippie.  D is my paranormal buddy. and J is amazing.  (they all are.)  Me and I both have all boys.  D is such a hard worker, she pushes through so much, and carries a lot around on her shoulder.  J and I had an instant bond, she didn't know it at first, but after I kept poking at her, she realized it too.  We all were pregnant together in 2002 and the four of us have always just stuck together. J and I have this crazy amazing bond though.  We've been through a lot of stuff, our lives are full of these distinct parallels of going through the same things at the same time. And the other S and I met in the NICU.  She was married to someone I had gone to Jr. High & Highschool with.  But we were put right next to each other in the NICU - we both had lifer preemies.  Ones who were spending more than a week in the NICU.  Both her boy and mine were under 2 lbs when they were born.  So yeah.  We became crazy fast friends.  We would scrapbook and hang out while our babies were in the NICU.  We literally pretty much had only each other to lean on because we were two hours from home and our families had to have more of a normal life while we stayed with our babies.  We recently reconnected after a whirlwind drama filled time that kinda revolved around my ex husband, a bunch of lies, and a bunch of other things.  I am glad we reconnected.

Wow that was some tangent.  Anyway - I need more close friends.  There are others I consider close, ones I'd like to be closer with, and there are ones that I have considered best friends with at some point  in the past, that I can't say that about anymore.  Which sucks.

#8: Need to get some of my health issues more under control, maybe if I do that - I'll feel a lot better over all.

#9: Lose weight.  I was under 200lbs and now I'm over again, I hate it.  Thank you insulin!  I want to lose it again.

#10: We need to do family game night and family movie night more often.  We've fallen out of practice.  I would like to see us doing both once a week, but I'd settle for one or the other each week.

Those are my goals - not resolutions.  It feels like resolutions don't work.  So they are my goals.

Mad Ramblings of an Insomniac (part 1)

I have been thinking a lot lately …  comes from all those hours of being an insomniac and lonely I guess… and not being able to write my novels. 

Tonight my husband asked me if it was lonely being up all night while the rest of the house, heck – most of the world … sleeps.  And it is.  Painfully so sometimes. 

But sleep is an evil thing sometimes.  You can’t force it. When you try, it just laughs at you and taunts you.  You can’t force It any more than you can force love. 

Today I had a discussion with one of my best friends. My ex-husband has been, literally, obsessed with her for over ten years now.  He spent our whole marriage lying to me about one thing or another.  It started before we even got married.  The first lie he ever told me was that he had a daughter with his high school sweetheart, at the age of 14.  He told me that the pregnancy was hidden, after a certain time, and even his best friend didn’t know.  He told me that her dad pretty much owned their small little town and he made it impossible for him to be any kind of father.  Her dad made it clear he wouldn’t be.  He (my ex) told me that he didn’t know if his daughter was being raised as his high school sweethearts sister, or if maybe her older sister had been raising her.  However, he only had one photo of her, and it was a photo he carried in his wallet our whole marriage. 

(Said daughter was a lie, the picture ended up being that of his cousin) 

I know some of that sounds so farfetched and I was 18 and gullible.  I put my trust into the wrong person for ten years of my life. 

I even talked to the highschool sweetheart once.  She told me, she didn’t know what he had been saying, but whatever it was – it wasn’t true.  There was no daughter.  She had never been pregnant.  That he had made up this story in highschool too. 

I only ever wanted one thing, in my life.  I got sick when I was 16, figured no one would ever want to be with me – love me.  Then here was this guy, and he was standing infront of me, asking to love me.  I thought I would be the one out of my friends who wouldn’t get married.  Who would end up having kids and never having a stable guy in my life.  I’d end up having that “whoops” baby …  much like myself.  I was a big ol’ whoops!  I was that thing that happened between my Dad’s marriages.  I am pretty sure my mom wasn’t looking to get pregnant at 20 in the mid-70’s so she could be a single parent.   Luckily she had the support of my Grandparents.  They helped support her with me, and she got to finish school and my mom has always worked so hard.  She’s worked more than one job … and I never tried to be a difficult kid.  But I was, in my own way.  I never did drugs, or drank underage – hell I never really drink OF age…. I didn’t party, or get in trouble much.  I was a good girl in school, just a sick one.  Took me longer to graduate, but I did!  However, I haven’t been able to do much with my life.  I gave her four amazing grandsons, and one adopted one.  But I do try to raise these boys to – I hope – have a better life for themselves, and their kids, then I have been able to give them. 

Anyway – off track.  So here was this guy, offering to love me – and telling me he wanted to create a family with me… and I was like – yeah!  I didn’t like him all that much at first.  I mean – I didn’t hate him.  After our first actual date, though, I had decided not to see him again – on a date.  My gut was like, he’s not that right for you.  Then he just started to show up … and he was injecting himself in my life.  Which I just saw as him being persistent – then.  Now, I realize it was rather stalker-ish.   Knowing what I know now, it was VERY stalker-ish.   He ended up growing on me.   I ended up liking him.  And then I ended up falling in love with him, or at least what I thought was love. 

We were married for ten years.  I can’t say it was all bad.  There were good moments in there. 

But there were A LOT of lies.  A lot of them.  Most of them I didn't even find out where lies until after the marriage ended. 

Though, there was a lot of fighting.  Not like – smack down drag out War of the Roses type fights.  I realize, now, that I let him control me.  We did things HE liked.  We did things HIS way.  If we didn’t, he would make me feel like crap about it because he would throw a temper tantrum and I wasn’t making him happy.  I felt like it was my job to make him happy.  There was a lot of verbal abuse, emotional, mental… and when fights did happen, it was bad.  I remember this one time, it was so bad, I was curled up in a ball crying on the kitchen floor and he was just yelling at me. 

I was 18 when I got married.  I was a teenage wife and a teenage mother and I refused to be another statistic and be a divorced single mother.  I was determined to make my marriage work. 

But it didn’t. 

It got to the point where … he rarely spent time with his “family” and he spent the majority of his time in the garage.  He’d buy stuff and not even talk to me about it.  Stuff that was expensive and I had very little interest in.  But he’d make me feel guilty for not being happy be bought it.  He’d make me feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with him doing what he wanted.  He loved winter, wanted to ski all the time, be on snowmobiles.  I hated the cold.  HATED it.  I loved the snow, but I would rather be curled up by a fireplace watching the big fat fluffy snow falling with a hot cup of coco in my hands, not in the snow.  I am not – nor will I ever be – a snowbunny. 

He'd make me feel guilty over everything.  Eventually – I wasn’t even myself anymore, not sure I ever was because 18 isn’t an age where you even know who you are yet. 

Regardless – and I won’t get into a lot of the why’s – but the summer of 2005 was my last straw.  The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  I was done.  He was in love with my best friend at the time.  That friendship ended (for a while) because of it.  I was more upset about losing the friendship then losing him.  I actually – by that point – felt RELIEF when I made that choice to divorce him.  We drove to the courthouse (well I drove) and he cried the whole way there, begging me not to go through with it.  I was done.  The papers got filed. 

I was now a single mother to two boys.  Cal was 9 at the time (turned 10 beginning of Jan. 2006) and Noah was 3 (going to be 4 Feb 2006.)   I had always wanted to go to college, so I applied, and got in.  Made sure all the paperwork got done..  and I started January of 2006.

At that same time, I had met a guy.  I remember the first time I met him, I had made the typical mistake of single Mom’s dating … and I took my boys with me.  Well what did I know?  I never dated as an adult.  We had planned to meet up at an arcade – I wanted it to be a public place… I was so very nervous.  I remember I walked in there, figured he would take one look at me and turn around and leave.  He didn’t though.  He found me, I think I jumped when he first talked to me.  He made me feel so comfortable though, it was kind of amazing. 

He was the first guy, I think – that ever TRULY made me feel pretty.  With my relationship with him, though, I found myself gaining a lot of confidence, something I had never really had.  Most of all though, he was just an amazing friend.  He helped me grow leaps and bounds into the person I am. Things didn’t last long, though.

I had found my voice, a little bit – at the end of my marriage.  Then I found that I was doing a lot of things, again, focusing on trying to make him happy – not me.  He broke my heart, but I can’t say I blame him much.  My life was a hellish roller coaster of crazy Jerry Springer drama at the time, I probably would have wanted out too.  I was just so drawn to him, and he had literally become my best friend in such a short time, and I hung on longer because of that – I think.

I don’t have a lot of friends.  I am an introvert – I have a few close friends.  So if I open up to someone, it’s because I like them.  I have a horrible habit though, that when I do – I spew out my life story.  Regardless, I don’t like losing friends.  I don’t – especially – like losing best friends. 

So when he broke up with me, all I saw was losing another best friend, and ended up clinging to the relationship in any way I could – but it was unhealthy, and I realized it.  So I had told him at one point, I was going to be done talking to him.  I packed up all the stuff still at my house, into a box, and put it on the front porch. 

I had been dating again.  There was this guy, that guy that I really wasn’t into, and the guy who I briefly dated who kinda treated me like I was so unimportant …  so that lasted a half second.  There were several guys I was just - only - talking to online or/and the phone.  Nothing was serious on my end.  I think one was serious on their end.  

Dating is hard, especially as a single mother.  I watched my kids heart break after I had involved them so much in that first relationship, I realized that wouldn’t happen again.  Not until I was sure.  They had become pretty attached to him in a short time.  Sadly, he did more with them in the short time we were together, than their biological factor had done all their lives.  And I absolutely adored his daughter. 

So I just figured I would be that mom – like my mom was, kinda.   Yes I was a mom, but I wasn’t going to involve them anymore.  Not until on the – very off chance – I knew it was going to be serious and long term.  Like engaged, serious. 

I also decided that – even though I still believe in marriage and would love nothing more than to actually have a marriage like my grandparents had – which is what I always wanted, it probably just wasn’t in my future. 

I would date.  Nothing serious.  Just fun.  Not involving my kids, as much as possible.

That’s where I was anyway … 

I was a single mom, going to school, supporting her kids the best way she could in the moment…  and my kids were my whole life.  Especially with Noah, and his medical stuff going on ….  So, babysitters weren’t a huge option for me.  So I did the whole online thing. 

It took a lot for me to give a guy my phone number.  A LOT.  I would webcam chat (this was before Skype) a little.  Most of my interactions were messengers.  Yahoo, AOL…. That type of thing.  I was a pretty honest person, I didn’t hide anything or sugar coat my life, and I certainly didn’t catfish anyone.  I figured, I would rather they run screaming sooner then later.   Instead, I was met with a lot of “wow you are amazing” and “will you marry me?”  No joke.  They weren’t serious serious – they weren’t rushing out to buy me rings, but a lot of them were literally telling me I was the woman they would want to marry.  I blew them all off though. 

When they got to the “will you marry me” point, I was like – NEXT …. 

It was always so fast, and I wasn’t into them like they were into me.  There was a wall up, now, that was going to be pretty hard to knock down.  I had loved my ex-husband, I realize now it was more a deep friendship love.  I had loved that boyfriend, more so than my ex-husband.  But I just was not going to be ready to let anyone in that position to hurt me – again. 

And one thing was certain.  I had to be me, and not focus on making someone else happy.  YES, a relationship, a marriage, is about making someone else happy – but not at the expense of making yourself unhappy. 

So …  than that fateful day in June, I had signed onto the different dating websites I was on – so I could reply to the guys I was talking to.  I was doing it for attention, it was fun to flirt – especially online, because I was more comfortable.  This guy winked at me, so I went and looked at his profile.  We had some similar interests, he was a Dad, he was cute. So I winked back, sent him a message.  It had been something quick … like…. “I just wanted to say Thanks for the wink :) and say Hi :) How are you today?” I had noticed he lived half way across the country so I thought – he’d make a good friend.  Obviously it couldn’t be anymore more than that.  I was in Wisconsin; he was in North Carolina. 

He had sent me the wink on June 3^rd.  The little bit of chatting we had on site was on the 4^th and early on the 5^th.  He gave me his messenger handle and so I messaged him, and that was June 5^th 2006.  That’s when we started talking, and we pretty much didn’t stop.  It was talking on there ALL the time, every chance we weren’t busy.   

Things happened SO quickly.  It was very weird.  For the place I was …. Thinking no one would truly want to take me on (sick) and my angry ten year old, and my four year old with medical issues…. Why would anyone want to take us on?  I certainly wasn’t looking for a “Daddy” for my kids either.  They deserved one, the biological one was kinda a POS and they deserved a good role model.  Also, DB told me that he never wanted to get married again, ever (he had been married twice before.)  … and he said he saw my photo and thought, I’m gonna marry that girl. 

And he did. 

(Stay tuned for part 2 of this crazy mind warp….)