Sick of Sick & Loss

No really - I am so sick of being sick.  Sooooooooooooooooo sick of it.  We're on like... gosh I don't know....

Today is day 115 of the Red Spots.....  yes they are finally getting better but still.  In addition to that, my CFS and Fibro have been in an uproar for 2 years now.  (I have had it since I was 16, some months are better than others but right now, it's a day to day fight)....  and my diabetes just can't seem to get a handle on it.  I'm on copious amounts of Metformin and starting insulin again.  Taking a $10,000 per month med (for 2 doses) for my psoriasis.... and the amount of general (all of my) medication I am on is ridicules.   I feel like I could open a pharmacy.

But every day I wake up, and I'm happy I woke up.  I spend time with my family (or most days they spend time with me) ... if I have to leave the house, I try not to complain but it wears me out something fierce.  Days with Clairah I get soooooo worn out, but I wouldn't trade them for NOTHING.  I love that little girl so much.  I cannot wait until the new grandbaby comes, I am so looking forward to having a baby under the roof again.

This one I can shake up and hand back to Mom & Dad though - which will be nice.  Not only that but I can get all the baby time I want, I'm sure.

But I worry about how I am going to be able to handle it.  Then I remind myself, I don't care.

We have some amazing fur babies who I can cuddle too, and I love that.

But most of all....  I have a husband who FINALLY understands that I am in just as much pain as he is, if not more some days (some days he has more.) ....  I appreciate the fact that he finally crawled out of his ass and decided to learn about my health issues, and stopped thinking it was just an excuse. I think the point where it finally hit home was recently at the DRs when she told me I not only have CFS but Fibro too.

Recently the right side of my belly went numb, the skin - touching it - is a completely different sensation than touching the left side which feels completely normal.  I have recently realized, in the last 24-48 hours that not only is it my belly, but it's pretty much the whole right side of my body.  Definitely from my ribs to my toes, and my hand ...  a little bit in my arm.  And it's scary.  Is it from my CFS/Fibro?  Is it from my diabetes?   I've worked so hard at losing weight.  I have lost 80lbs in a year and a half - 2 years time!  And yet my diabetes isn't better.  That bothers me so much.   I lost weight!  It didn't help!!

I could lose, and am going to continue to try to lose more.  But right now.....  I am worried.  I am worried I'm going to have to live most of my life from bed.

But really I do.  I worry about a lot of things.  And don't say "get up and change it" because this isn't an excuse.  At this very moment, my legs are cramping horrible bad, I have shooting pains going down them, my right hand is hurting really bad - but I'm still typing away....  I already talked about the numbness, I get stabbing pains in both my sides, it feels like someone is taking a 10 inch kitchen knife and stabbing me over and over in my right side... in my back where my lungs are, where my kidney is.... I have a stabbing headache/migraine (there is a lot of stabbing going on) ....  my neck is sore, I have cotton mouth, a runny nose, sore throat, my right eye feels funny because of the stabbing migraine .... I am burping up what can only be described as nasty tasting sulfur which is something that happens when I'm going to start throwing up, I've been basically battling that back with pepto since yesterday ... (DB never believed me when I said it - and then he smelled one yesterday, he said it was the nastiest thing he'd ever smelled - tell me about it, I burp it) ..... I'm itchy, skin is burning/hurting but not as bad as it used to because it's getting better....  my ribs on my right side are achy .... my stomach is upset, I have bad gas, I didn't sleep well last night ... I never sleep well anymore, and I have been the bitchiest thing.  Period.  And that's just the tip of the iceberg pretty much.

So yeah ......

But I still get up ....  and I still try to be a super happy positive person.  Because that's the example I want to set for my kids.  I realize health issues complicate things, but I want my kids to be happy people who love the life they have to live.

I really didn't take many pictures today.   And I only made the most simple of art on the bags for tonight and tomorrow night :/  

Saw this on FB and thought.......... ain't that the truth?

On top of all of that.  I'm ready to finally say something.

I have had a really rough April thus far.   I pulled a joke on DB and it truly ended up backfiring and turned into an April Fools on me.

I have been having odd symptoms lately on top of normal crap, symptoms that I would associate with being pregnant.  So I took a test - JUST - to be sure I wasn't.  Just so I could say "hey, I'm not," it's all good.

So I took a test, and handed it to him .... and said "Guess, what.... I'm pregnant."

He goes "For reals?" and looked at the test.

During the night of the 1st into the 2nd ....  I'm just so .... meh.  And my boobs are HUGE and I mean HUGE ... not Caitlyn (from Teen Mom) or Beth Chapman huge ... but HUGE for me.  So I took another test, and on this one, I see a hint of something.  I do ... there is.... something... there... am I crazy?  I show it to DB -  he says "nope I see it too" and I look back to the one from the 1st, and I see it on there too.

Trust me... IRL you can see it.  So I start playing with the pictures.....   much like my Bestie and I do to make sure we're not crazy.  If you flip a photo into negative and still see something there....  there is something there....

To the untrained eye - you are probably going ... yeah........... girl, you be cray-cray.  But I'm not ... trust me.....

Cuz on the 3rd, I got this......

So I looked up the due date........ our 9th Anniversary.  I had a miscarriage ON our first Anniversary.

On the 4th I got this........ in the afternoon

And then ...... I woke up Easter Morning (April 5th) .... and I was bleeding.  First thought in my head.  "Happy Easter, Welcome to your Miscarriage" ........

And I needed to deal.  Through the complete and utter shock and concern during the first few days, I was so worried on if my body would be able to HANDLE a pregnancy.  I hadn't even processed those feelings, or gotten the chance to even get excited, before it was all over again.

Miscarriage number 16.   This is not something that makes me happy.  19th pregnancy.  16th miscarriage, I grew four boys in my womb.  

But it is my story.  I have to own my experiences.   Only told three people I was pregnant before the miscarriage.  My mom doesn't know (didn't know ::: waves Hi Mom :::)  and if she doesn't read this, I'm not going to tell her.  If you don't read this, you won't know.  I'm not telling anyone else.

So today, today I sought out some neutral names, sent a list to DB.....  and Ainsley had jumped out at me, and it jumped out at DB - so that's the name of our newest angel.  Ainsley.  

Ainsley, even though I was shocked and concerned, you were surrounded in love the few short days we had together where I cradled you inside my womb all soft and protecting.  Where you grew just the little bit ...  and don't ever doubt you were loved.  You are loved.  I wanted more time with you.