So yesterday I woke up in a lot of pain ... today I can barely move my legs and I was basically comatose this morning. I wouldn't, couldn't, wake up for nothing. But I am having to hang onto walls because my legs are in so much pain. They still are as I'm writing this. They are in a constant cramping - almost charlie horse - type of state. Like right at that point where you know the charlie horse is starting and you know there is nothing to do to stop it, but before that horrible pain actually started .. yeah - that's where my legs are right now. My joints are ALL hurting too.
I seriously thought I might have to go into the ER or Urgent Care today, that's how bad I am hurting. I'm trying - horribly - to not take meds either. I am holding onto, leaning against, gripping at, just to walk to the bathroom. It HURTS.
I feel like, right now, all I do is bitch and complain. But truthfully - I don't bitch and complain out loud to my family. I tend to purge here or somewhere.... but still. I have been struggling with these things since I was 16. The first year was so tough. Soooo tough. I could not wake up, ever. I slept all day, slept all night, I couldn't wake up, I felt like I had the flu 24/7 for months. Finally the symptoms started to ease up a bit. I was going to classes in the mornings but by lunch time I was spent. So I'd write myself an excuse note, signed my mom's name ... and I'd walk home (or drive home, depending on where I was.) And then when she'd get home or I'd talk to her, I'd tell her ... "I left early, wrote a note, you signed it." She'd just laugh and say "okay." She knew how sick I was and she had taken me here and there and everywhere to try to figure out what was wrong with me.
Even typing hurts. I am not even interested in playing WOW - that's how much I'm hurting.
I am at about a 13 .... btw. Death happened and I was brought back to life just to suffer more! Regardless the pain scale for someone like me, in chronic pain, should be like 0 = pain is tolerable, I might be able to act normal. 2= pain is tolerable but I have to push through my day. 4 = pain is NOT tolerable but I still have to deal with it and push through. 6 = Is cutting off (named body part that is really hurting) an option? 8 = give me the f***ing knife already this bitch is coming off. 10 = JUST SHOOT ME ALREADY
I woke up - this morning - and first off I was a Zombie - in pain - a pained Zombie ... do Zombie's have pain? Well this Zombie has pain by the cargo load. Anyway - I Zombie walked myself to the potty, used it, Zombie walked myself back into the bed, curled up and died. Slept off and on until after 11am. When I say off and on, I mean I woke up ever once in awhile and promptly went back to sleep. I could not wake up. I was in a freaking Zombie COMA this morning. If there was a fire, I would have gotten up, Zombie walked myself outside .... and found some nest to sleep in.
I have gotten out of bed .... a total of 5 times today. This morning during the Zombie walk. Three times to use the bathroom ... and the time I will get up in a few minutes to use the bathroom again.
I cannot exist like this. And what I mean by that is .. I will, but I'm NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
I try really hard not to snap at people cuz of the pain, but it happens. And it SUCKS.
My legs though ..... wow..... this is just something else. I told DB that I have a new appreciation for his leg pain. New pains, it is horrible for awhile... or a long time. Either it eventually goes away, or you learn to live with it.
You learn to live with it all.
I have been a bit pre-occupied with that sore on Nathan's bottom that was discovered last night. Let me back up a little bit. Share a bit of a history and why this concerns me.
Nathan's birthday - end of the day - Nathan's demeanor changes. He gets "lost" in the play area and is "found" distraught from what I was told. But I didn't hear or see this, and no one knew I was actually in the same area he was.
After he doesn't want to do anything. When I found them all - Nathan was sitting in the stroller and was upset. Clearly just .... done. Playing in the Kid Zone is one of his favorite parts of going to the zoo before we leave. But he was just sitting there. I asked him if he wanted to play, he said no. So we ended up leaving a little while later. I was hurting really bad at that point. So I was a little pre-occupied with my own pain. But I wasn't surprised when Clairah, Kaedyn, and Nathan were all passed out asleep with in 10 minutes of leaving the parking lot. About 20 minutes before we got home, Nathan woke up SCREAMING - his face was all twisted up in pain and I saw his right leg/foot all twisted up weird, and I could only assume his leg was having a major cramp which I chalked up to all the walking around What I was surprised about was how when we got home, Nathan went inside, threw off his shoes, and curled up in his bed and promptly went back to sleep. We got home about 5pm. He slept until Monday morning. He got up, went on the computer (his normal routine.) He changed himself yesterday morning so I didn't see if it was there at that time. Also didn't see if he had it after the zoo because he was sleeping the whole time. So I didn't notice until we were doing our bedtime ritual and I took his pull up off and then he flipped backwards off my bed to go potty, and I noticed it. Checked it when he came back from going potty.
Today it looks better. I can definitely see two tiny scratches or punctures in the middle of the spot. And I think the outer circle of it has gotten a little larger ... but I don't know. So I drew a circle around it tonight. We'll see what the morning holds. The only fact that is stopping me from taking him into the ER to make sure it isn't a spider bite is that he isn't running a fever ....
Nate popped up in my room half naked at one point. He curled up in my comforter and we made faces at each other for awhile.
The first picture, I told him "Smile Nate!" and that's the face he made. Then he smiled, and then he pretended to fall asleep on me because he was "tired"
Thank you pain for turning me into a raging bitch. Goodnight.
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