JULY 8th : A Time of Transition & Best Friend

Today's blog prompts are pretty powerful ....  I definitely can write about both of these for a while ... 
first off ....

A TIME OF TRANSITION

There are a couple of things that immediately come to mind.

My life in 2001 literally turned upside down and I feel like I landed on my head.  Like - literally on my head.  It wasn't all horrifying, but most of it was.  My ex husband was accused of doing something horrendous to the point where I literally wanted to leave him immediately ...

I didn't know it at the time...but my birthday was a Monday that year, and I had gotten pregnant.  That Friday, my ex husband was arrested.  Pressure and disbelief of family and friends, they urged me to not just leave...  he couldn't have done it ... give him a chance to explain.  When he got out of jail, he literally screamed at me for an hour or more because I didn't just believe he was innocent.  I ended up feeling beat down.  He had been in jail from Friday to Monday and I hadn't eaten, I was so upset, I couldn't function and I had this five year old little boy who was depending on me, and one womb-dweller I didn't even know about yet.

He swore to me that he didn't do it.  But the fact that he had the opportunity to do it, bothered me.  It ate at me.  However, I toed the line.  I defended him.  Assured my family and friends he wasn't capable.  Eventually, I started to believe he was innocent.

When Noah was born, he was still going through the court stuff.  He was sentenced after Noah was born, (He had taken a plea deal, I had encouraged him to.  I didn't think anyone would believe him if he went to trial because if I was on that jury, I wouldn't believe him - and I told him that.)  ...  most of the following three years was a huge blur.  One of which he was in jail for.  The other two years, our marriage wasn't the same.  Not at all.  As much as I was superficially singing his innocence, there was a part of me, lingering, that questioned, STILL questioned it.

In 2005 ... after ten years of marriage ... I filed for divorce.  He stopped putting me and his children first - not that he ever had, actually - he was always spending rent money on snowmobiles and a boat ...  he wouldn't pay bills, I had to do basically everything ... his money was his and mine was mine...

I was done, though.  He was pursuing my best friend to be in a relationship with him.  Why should I stay devoted to him, when yet again - he proved he really didn't love me.

After he was arrested again (for trying to break into my house at 2 or 3 AM and then revoked for raping me also.) .... after his arrest, he admitted - realizing I was done - that he HAD committed the crimes he was accused of.  He didn't tell me the truth because he knew I would have left.  And I would have.

It was a really rough time in my life.... but once he moved out of my house, and I could just focus on me and the boys ... I was so much happier.  I started school again, considering I had gotten married pretty much right out of highschool ....  so I started going to the technical college taking some general classes.  I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do, but I was going to figure it out.

I also started dating again ...  the first guy I dated, I realized that I fell hard and fast for, and I allowed him to be in the boys lives too.  I didn't want a replacement for a dad, but I did want them to have good male role models.  I regretted it. They got attached and it was hard on them when we broke up.  So the guys I dated after that, they weren't around my boys much (if at all) ...  they were only "friends" and they would come over to my place after they were in bed, and we'd hang out in the living room.  Watch movies or talk.

But it got to a point where I had dated several people....  most of the things I would hear with the "break ups" was that I scared them because they could see themselves marrying me.   I was the forever kind of girl, and it scared them.  (Most of the people I ended up dating were guys coming out of divorce.

So in May, my divorce because final.  YAY!!  I changed my name back to my maiden name, but sadly I couldn't change the last name of my boys and I worried about their sperm donor's case would haunt their lives (and it did).

So after the latest break up, who just kinda ghosted me all the time - I was done.  Like if someone isn't going to make me any kind of priority - then whatever.  SO I joined some different dating sites, all free because I was living on a VERY fixed income.  I paid back the back rent, with help, that I was saddled with by my ex.  My bills were getting caught up on, but it was tough.  I made it work.

So then, I got to the point where I was also very much.. done with the stupidity of dating I was so over it all.  I would talk to guys for companionship, friendship, but talking wasn't dating.  Most of the guys would pull out the line "can we get married now?" or "will you marry me" or whatever ... and I'd get creeped out.

Not that I was anti-marriage, I was far from it - but I barely knew these guys.   I wanted to make sure that my next marriage would be the forever kind - as if you can know.  I mean no one gets married thinking it's going to end in divorce.

So....  then ... on June 3rd 2006, I got a *wink* from this guy on one of the dating sites.  I checked out his profile and saw that he lived in North Carolina (I was in Wisconsin) ... and we had some things in common.  I didn't believe it would ever go anywhere, but I thought I could use a friend, so I messaged him.

We started this back and forth, which quickly turned to a convo on a messenger ... which quickly turned into phone calls and in three days, when he said "We should get married" .... it didn't creep me out.  We talked every moment we could for weeks, until I decided to go down there and meet him while my Mom had my kids for a vacation.

That was definitely a time of transition also ... because he moved up to WI and my boys had a new man around them.  Cal was an angry teen and Noah was just a little guy who said what the thought.

We told them that I had met DB in the mountains - and so anytime Noah got mad at him - he'd tell him to GO BACK TO THE MOUNTAIN!

Us June 2006 ....

Over ten years of marriage ....

And now................  best friends....

BEST FRIEND

I have several, and each of them  hold a special spot in my heart, some for very different reasons.... but I love them all ..

.

My oldest friend ..... my sister Heather ...

We are not blood/biological sisters ...  but we did grow up together.  Her Mom and my Mom were best friends.  Well my mom had a lot of close friends, I had a lot of "honorary Aunties" ... but I think Donna was my mom's bestie, along with my Godmother's Linda and Betty.  I had six Godparents...  Mom was like "This is it, I quit, no more babies out of me" ... cuz I came out perfection! LOL ...

Anyway - a few years ago Donna passed away.  She was in the hospital, and we thought she was doing better, but then ... it seemed really sudden.  Really sudden.  Mom flew down there as soon as she could and then she told Heather she might have lost her mom, but she gained one too - and she "adopted" Heather.

Heather and I have always been close.  I went down to Georgia with Mom and Kaedyn (he was about 6 months old and I was BAWLING thinking about leaving him, so Kaedyn got to come with too.)

He was my most handsome date to the wedding!!

Anyway ....  I did Heather's wedding photos ...  but we grew super close - like insanely close - after her Mom died.  Which - is crazy sad to think about.... but I love the girl, and I'm so happy we are "Sisters" now, but we always have been anyway ...

2nd longest friend - Cathy

Cathy  (the one furthest on the right - her and I have been friends since Jr. High - and we found out we had a crap load in common.  We're so much alike.  She is the one person that I know we don't have to talk every day, we could not talk for months but we pick up right where we left off.

Even after we graduated and we went our separate ways, we were always really close.  Funny enough - we even both became Moms to ONLY  boys....  I love her to death!  I know she's always got my back!

She's really private about stuff, so I tend to keep stuff with her and I just that.  <3

Then there is Lisa & Missy ...  I met both of them in about 1999 when our three year olds started Preschool ...

 Lisa and I have such a sisterly relationship - we get along amazingly but no one can fight with her but me lol

Not only am I super close with my Lisa, but I'm also close with her kids, I love them to death and beyond!  Her youngest, Ivy Jane, and Noah are close in age, they've always had a great friendship.  And her son Shaun is one of Cal's best and longest friends.

When I met Lisa, it was at a Head Start parent meeting.  She needed a ride home, so I volunteered.  Again - I knew that we were going to be amazing friends.  When I lived in Wisconsin we talked on the phone everyday.   EVERYDAY ...  even though we lived right next door to her.   I miss her a ton. We've supported each other through some of the worst times of our lives.

Lisa and I in 2010 just before we moved to Washington ... I think this was the day before we left

Lisa and Ivy came to visit us in 2012 ...

Missy and I in 2006 when I married Dennis ... I think this might be the only picture I have of the two of us together.  I was 18 weeks pregnant with Nathan at the time.

Missy and I are great friends and I know a lot of the time, I think I'm her only friend sometimes, that actually listens to her.  I remember the first time I saw, wasn't the first time I met her... but we went to the same doctors office while I was pregnant with Calahan.  So I was there for an appointment while I was pregnant with Calahan.  I remember her walking in with her brand new baby girl in tow, in the carseat.  She put the carseat on the floor to check in and I remember thinking "I need to be friends with that girl" ... and three years later we actually met and did become friends.  LOL ...  sometimes she frustrates me (I know I do the same to her) ..  she's in an abusive relationship and I don't like it.  I've been begging her to get out of the situation for almost twenty years ...  at this point I feel like in one way she's the closest she's ever actually been to leaving, and in another I feel it's pointless to even open my mouth about it anymore.  I remember telling her 16 years ago after her youngest was born (who is about 8 months older than Noah)....  anyway - I distinctly remember telling her (repeatedly) that if she didn't leave, and change her situation, her children were going to turn out just like her and/or their father.  If they see that hitting and disrespecting a woman as an example - repeatedly - then it's what they will do. I do realize that it's not that easy to just up and leave an abusive relationship - especially when it is your "normal" ...

I mean, I didn't realize how abusive my first marriage was, until we were no longer together or under the same roof.  I seriously just had no clue.  I thought we were happy.  Typically we were but it was because I had no voice, and every time I tried to have a voice I was beat down.  (not physically, yelled at.) It's just difficult when you realize that ...  no ...  things aren't happy ...

So I knew that she'd probably never leave her husband.  (Her oldest child was raised as her sister because she had her so young.  This daughter has been in and out of jail, has a child, and every time I turn around is having or has had a miscarriage) ...  Now her oldest son was in a relationship that Missy described as abusive and he stayed, has three kids with the woman, and now is in a pit of hell trying to dig his way out and protect his kids.  (2nd oldest son was actually adopted out, by her husband's aunt, and that's a whole weird story.)  Her daughter (the one the same age as Cal) is in a crappy relationship too.  Missy has told me some awful things about him.  I honestly worry about her and her daughter.   THEN the youngest son, the one 8 months older than Noah .  He's yelling, screaming, He demands food - like when he gets home from school he has to have a HOT right out of the oven pizza waiting for him.  He has hit her, pushed her, knocked her against walls ... and her husband doesn't care.  She feels helpless.  It sucks being her friend because I know what she has to do - but I also understand how freaking hard that is.

So Missy is friends with my ex husband still - and that's her choice.  We were all friends, but she was MY friend.  But I also know that she is one of the last few friends he's got.  There is a reason I moved away from WI ...  99 of the reasons has my ex all over it ...

Then there is Jenna.....

She is seriously my life.  I love and adore her.  We normally talk everyday - not on the phone because we have both developed some pretty major anxiety issues that makes us hate talking on the phone.  But we are messaging each other and all that.  It's changed recently.  For all of 2018 Jenna and her Aussie are traveling the country in an RV.  So there is are issues with her having wifi and/or even signal with her phone.  Mainly because they like to stay in National Parks and signal is just ...  not the best for being good areas for signal ...

Jenna and I "met" in 2001.  Her and I were both expecting at the same time and I stalked her.  I mean, I did ... especially when her and I had preemies in 2002.   I stalked her mercilessly until she agreed to be my friend, then she.  Now she can't live without me.  <3  Ha ha ha ha ha ...

I seriously tell Jenna EVVVERYTHING,  and she confides in me more than any other person I think ...  Jenna and I talk almost on a daily bases and right now I'm missing her a ton because we we aren't able to talk every day.  They are planning on coming to WA with the RV and I can't wait.  I don't want her to EVER leave.  LOL

Jenna and I both suffer from infertility problems.   We've both had a ton of miscarriages and so when  you are trying to have a baby and then get pregnant/lose the baby - it's unbelievable ... Jenna and her Aussie had the hardest of losses and it still hurts me, I know it hurts her so much more... and Aussie man...  I love them all so much, SO MUCH ... 

And Sarah ......

So Sarah and I met when our boys (Noah & her "D" boy)  ....  "D" was born at before the typical "viable" date.  They consider 25 weeks to be the cut off for a baby being born prematurely and being able to (hopefully) live.   He was born at 23 or 24 weeks.   They had been in the NICU for about a month - already - when we were placed next to them with Noah. Both "D" and Noah were micro preemies.                   

Sarah and I started chatting and then come to find out that I knew her husband, we went to school together.  SO it was weird, and funny ...  but Sarah and I were NICU moms, we lived at the Ronald McDonald house and we were each other's support system.

Our friendship was swift and really strong.  We talked about EVERYTHING and would have scrapbook parties at the RMH at night.

Years later, my (than) husband developed a strong interest in her.  Things spiraled and he told me that they were having a full on affair.  This was the straw that broke the camel's back ... I filed for divorce and I ended up cutting her out of my life based on what he told me.  We hashed things out, then around the same time I got pregnant with Kaedyn I pushed her away again  It took years find out the "truth" behind a lot of things... and I read that my ex loved me at one point but after the first year of marriage, he just wasn't anymore.  Though - my ex is a pathological liar also... didn't see it at the time, but I see it now.

Her and I both made some mistakes in our friendship, I'm just glad that her and I have managed to put it all behind us and be besties again!         

Her and I have been through a lot of stuff - mostly in direct dealings with my ex, or bad things with my ex.  I think we're the only two people who really understand what happened and it's not knowledge that is easy to carry.  It's hard.

But there is a huge reason why we keep flocking back to each other.  She's super kind, does everything with love.  She's smart and creative and most of all - she absolutely adores her children.  Her ex is a little on the .... not so good side.  <3  I miss talking to her every day.  Right now, we talk most days, but we go months without talking too and in those moments I miss her.

We seem to end up being drawn back together ...no matter what.                                                                                                                                                                                             

Then Samantha

Sam is the only one of my list of extremely close that I don't have a picture with ...   but we're working on changing that!!

I first found out about Sam when my MIL called DB and I up and asked us if we wanted a "baby girl" because DB's younger "brother" had gotten him and his girlfriend into some trouble and they had a pretty brand new baby girl.  Since DB's parents had adopted his sister's first child, I use "brother" in a loose sense..  DB has a sister and two brothers.   His sister got into her own kind of trouble.  Michael was born addicted to drugs (from my understanding) and it continues to be a very prominent theme in his life.  Well of course we said yes.  Then my MIL and SIL started fighting over who actually had rights over making decisions on where the baby would get placed.  SIL wanted to raise the baby.  MIL wanted us to raise the baby because she felt we were good decent parents, bringing up the fact that SIL has basically screwed up all of her kids lives, except maybe the one that was raised by his dad.  Me, I just wanted Michael's girlfriend's info so we could contact her and let her know if there was something we could do, let us know, and find out what was REALLY going on ...

It took a little bit, after finally getting Sam's info and finding her on FB....  it took a little bit for her to trust me and open up to me.  She's had a rough life of people flipping switches on her, telling her one thing and doing another, and getting shat on by "family."  So - Sam is my SIL and I love her to pieces.  Even though her and Michael were never actually married, she is family.  They have a daughter together, Miss Myra and she is DB's and my Goddgaughter!!

We adore both of them.  I have made that perfectly clear.  Michael on the other hand...  when DB and I had met, and he was telling me about his family - he told me about his brother Michael that wasn't really his brother, but his nephew.  Born addicted and been struggling with drug issues and mental health issues for as long as he can remember.  DB had washed his hands of Michael and wanting anything to do with him because of the addictions and the stealing to feed his habit.  Michael - I guess - helped himself to a lot of things. So when we found out about Sam and Myra, when Michael was in jail for getting into trouble ...  DB had decided to give him one more chance.  But then Micheal did it again, this time getting caught with a meth lab in the basement of where he lived with Sam, his daughter, and some of Sam's family.  It was the last straw!  CPS got involved, taking Myra from Sam for a spell because they didn't believe that Sam actually had no idea about the lab in the basement.  Their landlord kicked them all out... not to mention Michael going back to prison now.  It was an awful awful mess.

Luckily Sam got Myra back, and Sam no longer wanted to have any part of Micheal - because he put their daughter at serious SERIOUS risk.  She's currently  trying to move on, having a little fun doing it but dating can be so frustrating - I remember.  Myra is an amazing little girl though.  She's just a little younger than Kaedyn.  Sam and I exchange notes on how these two are too much a like.  LOL...

But yeah, I like to say that Sam & Myra got us in the divorce, and Micheal got cut off from us.  I have never met Micheal, and all I've heard is bad things about him .... so I would have taken Sam's side any day anyway ... I understand the things she's going through to an extent because of the things I went through with my ex, and only someone else who has kinda been in those shoes understands.

But I do love Sam to pieces, I talk her ear off all the time.

(this was is my favorite picture of the two of them, from a couple years ago, but it's my favorite!)

These SEVEN Ladies are my Ride or Dies!!  They are ALL my sisters.  I'm serious - all of them.  Sometimes Family is who you choose, and I choose them all...

My cousin Ashley and I have a very strong relationship also.  I think she's about 13 years younger than me...  (it's like 12 years and 11 months lol) .... She moved out to Washington with us, and when you only have a few people that's family in one place, you tend to get pretty close!  I call her my sister sometimes, put down that she's my kids Aunt on emergency paperwork...  LOL...  cuz that's definitely the type of relationship we have now.

We talk everyday but we don't see each other a lot at all, even though we are in the same city. She has her own little family now and between her being super busy and me being super Fibro... we just don't get a lot of chances to hang out.

But I have to say that my Mom definitely fits in this too, and I've known her the longest.  LOL ... I turn to her for guidance and friendship.  I adore my mom.

And my husband .... he is amazing.  He's not perfect, who is?  If you want perfection in a partner and a marriage, you might as well never get married because it'll never happen.  Marriage is hard work.  VERY hard at times. We strive for the effortless marriages, but sometimes - in the effortless, you lose sight of things that has to be in a marriage and you end up drifting a part and even falling out of love.  If you don't fight, your relationship isn't as real awesome as you think.  When it's effortless for a long time, it's literally that neither of you are trying.  We have had some rocky roads, luckily we put on our 4-wheel-drive and managed to navigate...   I do love him with every fiber inside of me.

WHEW!  Finally done with this entry!