Dear Calahan...

Today you turn 14 years old, and I can't help but reflect on your life.  From the day I found out I was still pregnant, even though I had a miscarriage a few weeks before.  How crushed I had been, how I cried for three days because I lost my baby. Then the pregnancy symptoms never went away and I just didn't understand.  Going back in, running another test, something I never thought I'd hear that day ...  "You're pregnant" and with the following exam, found out I was around 8 weeks which meant the miscarriage had been your twin, and that was heartbreaking all on it's own, and how I ended up grieving all over again. 

From the day I first heard your heart beating and I cried... 

I was 18 years old when I found out I was pregnant with you, extremely mature for my age, and maybe not as ready for the life I was about to have as I thought, but I did the best I could.   Soon I was 19, and 9 months pregnant with you.  Then it was time to have you, and I was scared but putting up the good front.  Sure, I wanted you to be a girl, but from the moment I saw you and you looked at me with your huge blue eyes, wrapped your tiny wrinkled hand around my finger,  I was smitten with you, and no little girl in the world could have replaced you. 

You were so tiny but you had these HUGE feet that you use to stick right out of my belly.  I would measure it with my fingers and would try to figure out what body part it could possibly be - your elbow to wrist?  you knee to foot?  It was so long, it couldn't be your foot.   But after you were born, I put my fingers out the length of that mystery body part, put it up to your foot, and sure enough...  it was your foot.  I would call you a Tom Cat!

You and I taught each other so much.  Being the first born, we both had to learn from each other.  All the normal firsts, I experienced with you.  Although I had some firsts with your brothers too, first preemie, first c-section, first sick baby...   all those firsts I experienced with you out number those other ones by miles.   I learned patients from you, because once you hit 3, there was nothing but hell to pay!  I learned there was nothing better then cuddles in the morning, and hugs and kisses at night.  I learned that watching you discover the world was the best entertainment there was around.  I learned that finger paintings were the most divine artwork that could be had.   I learned that even 3-4 year olds can develop a life long passion.  I learned that even a 2 year old has his priorities when asked what he wants for Easter and the response is "A baby sissor" and when followed up with what you wanted for Christmas, I got the same reply of "A baby sissor" and when I asked you what you wanted for your birthday, you didn't hesitate, you told me you wanted "a birthday cake" ... see, 2 year olds have priorities!   I learned that ADHD can turn the sweetest most sensitive child into a ball of anger and frustration, and together, we learned to battle that.   I learned that no matter what medical challenges we might face, when you had your leukemia scare, that I would stand strong and be your ultimate support, and only crumble in the shadows while you were asleep. 

Fact is, I learned to be a Mother, from you. You made me the Mother I am today.  We still have a lot of firsts to get through together.  First drivers ed classes, first car, first real girlfriend, first night you stay out way to late - because I'm sure you WILL stay out way to late.

We love you Calahan.  We hope that you have a wonderful 14th Birthday and that you have an excellent 14th year :)