HAPPY JANUARY ICLW!!

It is time for I.Comment.Leave.Week .... YAY!!!  If you'd like to know more about it........ please check out Mel's Blog: Stirrup Queen .......

You can read many of my last ICLW intro's HERE .. but .... that might be a little boring.

Let me give you a big of history.......(I'm actually going to copy and paste this from last months just cuz I am exhausted!!)

For those who have suffered, I have been there... I was on the infertility train ... for ... a .... long ..... time.   5 years.  Luckily, I suffered from Secondary Infertility so I had a little boy, who was BEGGING me for a little "sisser" ... to keep my mind off it.  Unfortunately - your mind becomes so wrapped around everything, and over analyzing EVERY symptom... no one knows how much infertility hurts but someone who has been through it.  Doesn't matter if you have other kids or not, if you feel like your family is incomplete, it hurts just as bad.

I know a lot of people who are going through infertility without having children yet, don't feel the same.  And I can respect that.  I would probably feel the same way.  But I know how much it hurt me, and how it crushed my soul.   On top of fighting the fight... I suffered 14 miscarriages.  Some of them, I have to say, were easier then others.  There were ones I was just so crushed and heartbroken, others I expected and was just pessimistic about... some I wanted so bad and ...

All I think about is....... if I hadn't lost some of those babies, I wouldn't have the ones I have, and I love my boys!  They were fought for....... With Calahan I lost his twin....and by some miracle he hung in there....  then the five years of secondary infertility happened.... got Noah and was told he would die during the pregnancy due to his rare genetic disorder... but he is my 8 year old miracle man!  Then suffered more infertility....  Then I got divorced, gave up on men, and met ... cheesy as it sounds..... the love of my life.  I can't explain how much I love the man.  We decided to give it a shot and got pregnant right away!  I honestly didn't think I was and it took my very persistent BFF to cyberly push me to the bathroom - literally - and when I was walking up the stairs back to my computer ....   and I looked down, and saw those two lines.... the world actually stopped moving.  Then the news came about his medical issues, and my world broke open and swallowed me whole. No one really knew how scared I was, but going through what I had already with Noah, in the NICU, all the medical stuff, knowing that - to this day - anything could happen and I could lose him .... and now, it was happening all over again.  Nathan's issues are different, but they are more severe.  They could be worse, don't get me wrong...  but I worry about his future.  I worry if he'll have one.  He is just such a ... vibrate little guy.  That's all I can focus on sometimes.  His list of medical issues, seems endless sometimes.  But he is certainly one of the five loves of my life.  Then....  we decided to try again - miscarriage on our 1st wedding anniversary and 2 weeks later, a little egg was implanting again.... a few days later, after an early morning wake up call from the SWAT team breaking in next door........ I got two faint pink lines ....... and that would be my Kaedyn..... healthy as can be.

If you are interested in reading more of the boys' ... you can see updates  MY UNIQUE FLOWERS

I am proud to say I am an IF grad........ I hate that I can read your blogs and totally relate ... but I do.  No one should have to go through what we do for wanting one of the most basic things in life.

All I can say, is I wish one thing for all my friends suffering, for all the people suffering from infertility ... I really, truly hope, 2011 is YOUR year to be filled with buldging bellies, miserable pregnancies that will totally be worth it (and trust me, as much as you don't want to complain or are thankful for that life inside you, you WILL complain and you will, on some days, especially towards the end, be miserable-- it'll be a HAPPY miserable) .. .. and followed by nothing but dirty diapers, sleepless nights and payments of smiles and giggles and heart-bursting firsts!

If you want to read more of my blog, I have some highlighted posts on the left menu :)   Thanks for stopping by!!