Communication Continuation ....

Because we're working on things, and trying to be open and honest, and I'm really honest about things....  you have to remember the bad to continue to grow sometimes, and I just figured I'd update.

So ....  a couple days ago (the night of the 16th) ...  DB was messing around with his phone, and he had pulled up FB Messages ....   the order of conversations were ... Me. Our Son.  Evil Ex Bitch That I HATE.

And I got upset.  It was the flip the ape shit crazy switch.

To be fair - he did TELL me - days after he did it.  "Oh by the way, I want to let you know that messaged her because her uncle died.  I just said I was sorry for her loss and she said thanks D ... if you want to see it, I'll show you."  

Thanks for telling me....

.................... days later.

Condescending Nissa rears her ugly head.

I hate the bitch.  HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE.  I hate her.  She is such an ugly person (inside).

And I hate that she has the power over me of my hating her.  No one should have that much control over me.

I should totally go on his facebook and put her boobs all over the internet.....oh lookie at the homewrecker..... 

I hate having to be the better person.

There is a lot of hate going on ....

Well, regardless - it sent me into the morphing of the angry jealousy monster.

So I started up.

Me: Why the hell are you even friends with her if you don't talk to her?

Him: Because we're just friends!  I don't talk to her cuz I know it upsets you right now.  

Me: Right now?  It's going to ALWAYS upset me.  I can't stand the bitch.  I can't forgive her.  I can't forget.  And every time I see her name I want to choke you.  

Him: Well you NEED to forgive and forget for YOU not HER.  And let go of that anger.

Me; I know that - but I can't right now!  You have to let me work through it in my own time and not expect it to go away magically. 

Him: Well, I don't like being punished for it over and over and over when I'm not doing anything wrong. 

Me; Sure but you CREATED this situation.  You made me like this!  (really no one can control anyone else and he didn't REALLY make me like this - but DAYUM) ....

Reality is, it triggered a lot of stuff inside me.  Isn't it funny how one stupid thing can trigger a whirlwind of emotions - some of which you didn't even know you were harboring?

For the last couple of months, things have been pretty good.  We've fallen back into the typical routine that we had been in before.  We communicate a little bit better, but there is a lot of room for improvement.

But neither of us want to rock the boat, I don't think.  Especially me.

I knew he had talked to her, so I don't even KNOW why it upset me so much.  It shouldn't have.  But it did.........

That night, he got with in five inches from my face and was yelling at me.  I shut up.  Went to bed mad.  He did the whole "Do I at least get a kiss goodnight?" thing ... but we both went to sleep mad.

So the next day .... Tuesday ....  all hell broke loose.

I was trying to get him to understand my feelings on the whole thing and how things were in my head and why it was such a freaking big deal.

He was taking it as an attack - so instead of listening to me and trying to hear what I was saying - he was falling back into the whole "fighting dirty" him.

I asked him why he even has her on his facebook if he's not even talking to her?   He said ....  basically - that he hopes one day I'll be okay with them talking - which will never happen, ever.  Because I believe that he will always love her and if he can't separate that from friendship - which if he is talking to her - will always be a possibility ....  he also said that he doesn't want to let go of his past.  I told him he still loves her.  He's always going to love her until he feels as if he gets closer and that's never going to happen.  I told him that it was really telling that when he told me he didn't love me (which was a lie, he was only saying that for the Greater Good because he didn't want to HURT me anymore - but why does HE get to decide that on his own?) ...  I told him the first two people he contacted was his "crush" from work and the evil ex bitch.  And that was REALLY REALLY telling on his feelings.  Maybe he DIDN'T love me that day.  Maybe he was just so mad at my getting mad about the crush that he just decided to be done because I just can't get over it... but I can't sweep it under the rug and ignore it like he wants me to do - I have to get upset and angry and I NEED him to understand where I am coming from and it's hard because he doesn't.

So he dug deep and fought dirty.

He says I back him into a corner.  Which I do ....  I'm one of those rare breeds that understand all sides of things  ..... 1: I want him to unfriend and block her and never talk to her or think of her again - but I also know that's unrealistic.  2: I don't want him unfriending or blocking her for my sake because no one should tell someone else who they can and can't be friends with and I don't feel like him resenting me for demanding it.

So I called him out on still having feelings for her, called him out on some of the actions that happened while we were "split up" ... called him out on a lot of stuff

I was in rare form - upset and pissed ....we ended up having a heated discussion all day - I cried a lot

So I asked him something

I said "why did you even marry me, honestly?" and he goes "because at the time, I did love you"
and I'm like "did?"

past tense

He says he's been "trying" to fall back in love with me

I said you can't "try" ... it's not something you can force ....

Back to the whole "I don't love you, but I'm trying" BS .... well you shouldn't have to TRY to love me, you can't FORCE it.  Ugh......

I said so what?  You've been telling me you love me since November again, after I told you not to tell me unless you meant it ....and you've been swearing up and down you are being honest and that you love me and want to work on this and that you want to be with me.....and you've just basically been lying to yourself to try to convince yourself and me ......so yeah - he says I'm his best friend and he cares deeply for me but he doesn't love anyone... and he isn't sure he knows how to love (which I can believe because he has a super fucked up past) .....I told him I was done fighting for us - because it seems like he doesn't even want us - so if he does want us, it's his turn to fight .... cuz I'm done

So that's what he's been doing pretty much ... feels like sucking up.  But he spent Tuesday trying to do things to cheer me up.

There is this freaking wall between us and he's still pushing me away

He says stuff, but he doesn't mean it....he's just so screwed up in his head with his depression and his past....and when things get hard, he wants to bail.....he told me the only reason he hasn't left if because he feels like everything will fall apart here if he leaves

I was like 1: that's the only reason and 2: are you effin kidding????

He wants to punish himself or self sabotage.....When things got rough in his past and with his other relationships .... either he'd run away or get kicked out....No one ever stood by him....Not his family....Not his relationships ....except me....and he doesn't know how to deal with it

So when he gets unhappy or feels like I'm "attacking" him, he cheats and fights dirty

But I am not naive, I know his pattern, I know he will probably slip again because a Leopard can't change it's spots, but I feel like that stupid wife who has no strength to leave - except I do.  And boy was I ready to on Tuesday ....

I called him out on how he acts like I should just get up and do stuff...I don't like being cooped up in bed....

He told me he wants the woman he first me back.....The strong woman who went after what she wanted and already got shit done.....I said what is it that I went after ??  He said "Me" ....
I said, I really haven't changed ....He said - you used to do all this stuff with the kids....I said 1: everytime you fuck up, what do I do?...He says - fight for me  (rolling eyes @@)  He says. -you kept the house clean in WI .... I told him, one of your biggest complaints from WI was that your have to come home and cook and do the dishes, and that I didn't clean ... so which is it because it can't be both.... and I was at home cleaning, taking care of TWO babies, a little boy and a pre-teen.....I was cleaning, feeding, changing, following around, making sure naps were taken, making sue home work was done, etc and so on.....He just assumed I was on the computer all day

So I added, you were a stay at home dad with Jessa....Your ex said you did nothing but you were on the computer cheating on her and playing games

So I said, did you?

He goes .... No

So I said why would you think I did

I said I kept our home clean up until I hit my flare of my CFS/Fibro.... I said I am not the only one who can clean ... I am not the only one making messes

But it's not fair to me to have to nag everyone to clean....I can't control anyone.....I can't make the older kids do anything anymore than I can control him...But he acts like I have puppet strings sometimes

Everyone has their jobs right now

No one does then unless I nag - and it's not fair to me to have to be the mean ass nag all the damn time

I pointed out how he was down, bed ridden pretty much, for 1 1/2 years.... And I never made him feel bad for it, never made him feel like I thought he was just making it up, I carried the family, felt like a single parent.... Probably much like he feels right now

But the funny thing is, I still do stuff with the kids

Still homeschool, still take care of everyone....Still do all the meds (no one else will do them)... I do a lot with the kids still.  I just try to save my energy for the stuff that I can do with them right now.

And when he was down, he slept, watched TV, played on his computer and snapped at the kids - okay he didn't just snap at them, he is a great dad but he was really grouchy because he was (is) in pain all the time and felt like no one heard him.

And I told him

The whole getting out with the kids thing....We had money to do it then, didn't have a lot of money but we had some. Told him, right now, we don't even have the gas to waste....I told him if we had the money, we'd be doing stuff more

He just seems to project all this stuff on me

Which makes him not like me

He's a good guy overall, he is my best friend, I tell him everything, never held anything back.... He is a great dad. But he had his moments. And this last year has just been shit for me and I'm trying my damnedest to deal with it.

I do, but I am sick, not sure this flare will go away, my immune system hates me, now it's attacking my skin along with my joints and muscles and everything else. I have two kids with medical issues I have to think about.

And friends say YOU DESERVE BETTER ... and maybe I do .... but it doesn't matter if I deserve better or not, I am not seeking anyone else out. I want him.  And if I'm not going to be with him, I'm not dating again. Nothing.... Too much goes through my head now... Are they a controller, abuser, molester? Can't take the chance. And I told him this.....

He said he doesn't want me to be alone, and that's not his choice.

Told him he can do whatever, but I have the kids to worry about

I said ... Why would I take that chance of something happening to me?

He said "you don't trust I'd take care of the kids if something happened to you?"

Wtf

Seriously, wtf

I said, so it's okay that I just die

He was like - that's not what I meant

And I know that's not what he meant.

It was a horrible day really....... I yelled, I talked loudly and I cried, a lot.  I just don't understand how he can't love me but he acts like he does.

He'd ask me how he could help me feel better, cuz I was sooooo angry .... and I'd just yell at him "LOVE ME" .... until he stopped asking.

So Wednesday he was trying to make things up and work on "us" and do things for me, because I told him he needs to fight for me.  And he does.

I woke up heart broken.  But he said he wanted us to work out.  He wants to work on us.  He can't imagine his life without me.

And I think the fact that I told him if we split up, I didn't think we could be friends, scared him.  It's something we've always said, if we split up - we'll make sure we are friends, but I don't think I can do that right now.  And I told him that.  As of this moment, I don't think I could handle that.

So we watched a movie late Wednesday night ... and we cuddled.

After the movie, I asked him if he was tired.  He said "No, I'm wide awake."

So I said ....  "I have a lot going on in my head right now but I don't know where to start."

And he says "Just say it."

So I started talking to him about stuff, and he rolls over and acts like he's suddenly tired.  I'm like - REALLY?  You JUST said 60 seconds ago that you weren't tired and now all of a sudden when I want to talk to you - you are going to act like you are?

I told him - I didn't mean for it to seem like I was mad at him or trying to start something yesterday ... but I just don't feel like he understands how I feel.

I told him I still feel like he's got me an arms length away.  I feel like he still has one foot out the door ready to bolt at a moments notice.  I still don't FEEL like he wants to work on things - right now he's acting more like he just wants things to disappear and they aren't.  They aren't going to just go away.

He told me that he hates getting punished for the same shit over and over and that's what it feels like because right now he's not doing anything wrong.

I told him I understood that.  But that's not my intention.

I told him I needed him to understand me.

So I told him.....  I know the stuff with his ex baby momma stems a lot from him missing his daughter and their history.  They loved each other, I got that.  It's fine.  There are probably always going to be some things they miss about each other because of the bond over their daughter.  She wanted him back for a long time - and played some head games - but she seems happy (and angry) now and not playing those games anymore.  But I know they will always have a bond.  And I can't tell him not to talk to her because she has his daughter, and he SHOULD talk to her.

I told him the thing with Naomi was flirting and companionship from what I understood because things were changing with us, and I was pregnant again - he was worried about money - and just fell into that whole trap of the example that was set for him of cheating and hurting me.   That one crossed a bit of a line, but it was almost straddling it.  It still pissed me off ..... should have never happened, he should have communicated with me.

The thing with his "crush" co-worker ...  that hurt.  That hurt a lot because - mainly - with that one - he could reach out and TOUCH her.  If she were open to things progressing, I'm pretty sure they would have (though he swears that wouldn't have happened.)  ....

But the thing with the evil ex bitch - well that was something on a WHOLE other level.  That was about as far into cheating as he could go without actually having sex with her.  They were bonded on an emotional level because they were married.  They never got closer and he will always carry a torch for her.  Closer will never happen because instead of closer, they'll just end up getting drawn back together like they did last year.  I'm not okay with him talking to her, I'm not okay with any of it.  I told him I want to delete all The Walking Dead episodes on the DVR because it's something they have in common.  And as far as I know - he's still in the slutty Walking Dead group she's in.  I told him, I can't respect her - EVER.  She knew we were married when things started between them.  It didn't matter if he started it (although that hurts - knife to the heart) or her, she was FULLY aware of the fact that he was married and I had no idea he was upset with me the way he was.  I told him - that when I found out - he told me he ended communication with her, but in reality he just changed to a different program and she KNEW that we were trying to work on things based on the things I posted and tagged him in because SHE commented on it.  Why would we be watching a movie and cuddling if we weren't trying to work on things and he wasn't telling me that he wanted to be with me???  I mean - she can't be that thick in the head.

He said "She is pretty dense."

Ha!  Did you hear that evil ex bitch?  YOU ARE DENSE ... out of his mouth not mine.  But I do say a lot worse about you.

I told him I felt like messaging her and saying "You win, you can have him" because he still has a torch for her.

He says he doesn't.  But I know he does ... he hasn't had closer yet and until he does, it will always be there.  Waiting.

I told him - he can't win when it comes to her and I totally admit it.  Either she's on his facebook and I go ape shit crazy every time I see her stupid ass name - or he deletes her and I wonder how they are talking because he's sneaky now too.

I explained to him how I feel so lonely.  How he comes and is in the room with me, but just because you are in the room with me, it doesn't mean you are spending time with me.

I miss talking.  It doesn't seem like we talk and when we do, he gets defensive.

I told him, have you noticed that when you sit there and tell me you are "JUST FRIENDS" and emphasis that point, it's usually MORE than friends???   You did it with Naomi, you did it with the evil ex bitch, you did it with the "crush" ... but you don't do it with your first ex wife.  You don't do it with your other friends.

These issues aren't going to go away.  He can't just pretend they don't exist.

I explained a lot.... and he actually listened.  He actually said "I see your point."  and then "do you see mine?"   Yes I understand yours.

And at the end .. he said "I have a lot to work on" and "you made a lot of good points" ....

and I felt......... heard!  and Understood!!!

So maybe I can let it go.  Maybe.....

And he got on Facebook and unfriended the evil ex bitch - and said "that's my doing. my choice."  and that he'd block her later.

So later on, when we weren't in the room together, I messaged him and I said ...

"Just wanted to say ... Thank you for listening to me, being patient and waiting until I make my points and really making an effort to try and understand my feelings on things.  Thank you for not getting super defensive and keeping in mind that it wasn't my intention to attack you but rather to work through things.  Last night really helped me. I am glad you see the things I have tried to tell you, and I promise that I will try to let the "crush" thing go completely.  I also forgive you for the thing with the evil ex bitch.  I cannot forget and it's still going to be just below the surface for a long time.  However, I am going to work hard on letting it go and focusing on the fact that it has opened the communication lines, it has - in a twisted way - brought us together better and stronger (I hope.) I love you.  I want nothing more than for our dreams of sitting on that porch watching our grandkids play come true. We need to keep talking though.  Talking does us a lot of good."

He replied - true to himself - in few words.  "I agree, love you" ....

Trust has to be rebuilt .... but ....  it can be .... and it will.

As long as communication continues and we continue to listen to each other - and try to understand ....  we'll get through this.

Marriage isn't easy, it takes work.  Fighting is natural and people make mistakes.   It's what you do about it - after the fact - that matters.