Forgiveness

You can't forget what has happened in your life.  You can't forget the actions that people have done that made you feel at your lowest.  But you can forgive, you can let it go and move on.   Because all you do is empower other people - let them have control over your life - when you don't forgive.

Those who have hurt you the most.  Think of them, and go through the following.....  

I forgive you for (what did they do):
I will not allow you to have that power over me anymore.
I am taking my life back.
You are no longer an impact in my life, you are only a lesson learned.
That lesson was:

So .... going through some of these, I have to say ....  most of the "lessons" I have were based upon trusting people.   Mostly the things I can take away is that I can only trust myself.

And in almost every case it's TRUE that you have to LOVE someone to HATE them.  In all but one of my cases, it's true.

I have already worked through forgiving a few people in my life, and I don't want to rehash any of that.  A couple of family members.  A couple of "Friends" ...

I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive my ex husband for what he put those children through, what he put MY children through, what he put me through.  But I do know it's NOT MY FAULT.  And even though I do hold guilt with it, because it was MY job to protect those kids, and I feel like I didn't.  But how was I supposed to know that he was that type of guy. Who wants to go there and think their husband is capable of that?  But I have moved past it enough that it does no longer control my life.  But I know the fear of him probably will never dissipate because I do not even remotely know what he is capable of .... as he has proven.

So it's hard for me to be able to forgive that.  He is a part of my life because of the kids.  I can't just push him completely out of my life.  But he will never be part of my life except for the fact that he is two of my children's father.

There is the ex best friend. At the time things happened with her, both of our lives were so out of control it wasn't even realistically amusing.  The things with my ex husband just don't matter anymore.  Nor do the other things, in the long run.  She hurt me really back but I can't hang onto this stuff.  And I know I hurt her bad with the things I said when I decided I just couldn't be her friend anymore.  But I think of her often, I miss her - or at least the friendship I thought we had.

It's hard to let important people in your life, go.  To push them away because things are toxic (at that time) and you just can't have that sort of poison in your life.    So I wrote her an email - telling her EVERYTHING I was holding back and everything I thought, and thought she needed to hear.  And I told her NOT to talk to me anymore.

I came to terms about it all at that time.  It wasn't easy being the bigger person.  She was shouting from the roof tops all these lies about me, taking it upon herself to try and cut friends out of my life by telling them "I just feel you need to know..." and telling them all these things ...

And it hurt.  I was tired of it though. I couldn't be her friend anymore.  There are still times when I miss her.  I miss what we had, maybe just what I thought we had.  But that kind of person is someone who I do NOT need in my life.

But I couldn't - and can't - allow her to have any sort of control over me.  So I don't.  It's forgiven, not forgotten.

But it's important to remember that ... everyone changes, people are human, everyone makes mistakes....  and sometimes, it may be hard to let go of those mistakes, but they need to be let go.  Sometimes you have to be open to people years down the road to see if they have grown and changed....  sometimes, you just need to keep people far away and out of your life.

Now, there is my husband....  who has needed forgiveness from me many a time.  But he only got the words out of my mouth recently.

I forgive him for the hurt and betrayal he has injected into my heart and life.  The problem is that he will continue to have that power over my heart and soul because if he doesn't, if I don't allow him to have that hold on me, than I'm closed off and a brick wall - and that's not a marriage.  I have to continue to be open to him, and allow myself to love him and him to love me.  But I am taking my life back.  I'm crawling out of the hole that I didn't even realize I was in.  I'm finding myself again, and I'm writing in my blog (here) and I'm working on my books again ...   and even though I am going through one of the hardest health things I've been through right now - and my body is fighting this horrible fight where it's attacking it'self...  I'm happy.  I can really say that I'm happy right now.  Especially over the last week.  It was like we knocked down those last hurdles we needed to over come and now we're both here, in the moment, totally engaged with the other, communicating, understanding, and loving.  And that's what I needed.  I also think the relationship questions are a great way to connect and just have fun with it.  You just have to remember you can't get mad at the other's answers because that defeats the whole thing.

But the lesson is not that I can't trust him.  The lesson was that I need to listen to him, I need to take a step out of my hurt and anger and look at him and understand WHY this behavior is going on,  I think we both needed that snap of understanding.  The lesson was that even when I don't trust him, I have to learn to trust him anyway.  Not that he can walk all over me with BS crap ... but I realized that - never has he stopped loving me.  Loving me scares him.  We have something above and beyond anything he's ever experienced before.  Anything I have for that matter.

I cannot imagine my life without him.

As for the ex-evil-bitch.   I suppose I have to forgive her too, and I took a huge step that way in the last few days.  When I said this:

I am smart, I am classy, I am a great person with a kind heart.  I am a great mother.  I am a loving, supportive, uplifting wife.  I am what you will never be. 

And - honestly - if he thinks that leaving me, for you, is his best move...  then I guess he deserves you. 

But frankly, I have to stop thinking that he picks her all the time, because he doesn't.  And I guess, if he does continue to do that ...   he doesn't deserve me. 

Because I am the BEST thing that has ever happened to him.  And if he wants to go back to the lying person she obviously is, who can't stand up and be supportive in a marriage, who gives up at the first freaking hurdle because it's easier than working and doing the hard stuff to stay married .... 

....  then I guess I deserve better. 

But ... most likely, he isn't going to leave, because he does know that he loves me, and he does understand, now, that he can talk to me and be honest.  We both have the right to the way we feel and we both have the right to be angry at one another, but it doesn't mean we have to hurt the other person.

There are other ways. 

But honestly, and I realize this, I am putting a lot of the anger on her.  That may not be fair.  It really isn't.  Because it wasn't JUST her.  It was him too.   On the flip side, I can continue to be angry with her.  I have to forgive him if I want our marriage, our relationship, even our friendship - to move forward.

He's the one who told me I had nothing to worry about with her, he had no feelings for her, she was just a friend - and I believed him.

He's the one who told me that he initiated everything.

He's the one who said "I love you" first to her.

I'll stop there with the "He's the ones....." the picture is set.

So how is this any of her fault?

Maybe I expect more from women.  Guys have the "Guy Code" and women have a "code" too...   and I thought it was pretty well known that when you know a guy is married or in a serious relationship, they are off limits until said marriage or relationship has been ended.  And I realize it's naive to think that most women actually follow that.  Apparently this one didn't.  But it ANGERS me SO MUCH that she KNEW he wasn't ending things with me, that it was VERY clear we were working on things, and didn't end things, let alone telling him to BEGIN with to solve things in his marriage before starting something with him.  It ANGERS me so much.  I have the respect for myself, and for other people, that - that's what I would do, and have done.  I cannot - for the life of me - truly understand how she could trying to build a friendship with me, and do all that with him.  Just can't.

I realize now, he was looking for closure and - a lot of it was the love he had for her wayyyyyy back when they were married - that he missed.  I'm sure he had stuff with her, he doesn't have with me.  Which is fine.  I can't take that away from him, they are his memories and his past.  I don't want him to give up his past, but he clearly cannot "just be friends" with her.  And that's NOT okay. I don't know that he really loved her in that moment.  Only he knows that.  He tells me, now, he didn't mean it really - he just said it - or it was part of the feelings he had for her.

He unfriended her, and last night we had this discussion - and after he told me that he feels like this weight has been lifted off of him since he unfriended her on Facebook.  I had to ask him today if he meant that - and he said he absolutely did.

It may take me time, but I'll get there.  I'll get to the point where she's just part of the past and just a blip that was on the radar.  Something we over came.  Something we worked through and something that made us stronger.

If what happened, hadn't.....  I don't think we would have truly figured out the why's ....  and how to get past them.